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Food Funnies

Keith_W

By Keith_W
in Food Media & Arts

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chromedome

chromedome

Posted
Posted

319777241_1598254190639850_517053970746810314_n.jpg.cff1c3d7da1d357fb652df0aa747b0d5.jpg

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“Who loves a garden, loves a greenhouse too.” - William Cowper, The Task, Book Three

 

"Not knowing the scope of your own ignorance is part of the human condition...The first rule of the Dunning-Kruger club is you don’t know you’re a member of the Dunning-Kruger club.” - psychologist David Dunning

 

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liuzhou

liuzhou

Posted
Posted (edited)

The Usual Place

 

Gourmet Food for the Discerning Gastronaut

 

 

STARTERS

 

Soup du Jour – Last few days’ leftovers in hot water.

 

Slow Cured Heritage Beef Carpaccio – Some unidentified meat bought by the proprietor's grandmother before she passed away in 1974. (You don’t think we’re going to waste gas cooking that shit, do you?)

 

Poached eggs on toast – Hand poached from the farmer next door by Dave the sous-commis chef. Dave is toast.

 

Prawn Cocktail – Ha haha hahaha! There’s always one, isn’t there?

 

Fresh oysters – Chucked to order by the head chef Antoine Le Gogeron or, as his friends call him, Tony Smith, winner of 29th prize in the school’s gradualation speling kwiz. Severed with minion et sauce.

 

 

MAINS

 

Catch of the Day – Whatever our Masie, bless her, found in the depths of the freezer but believe us, she ain’t no catch.

 

Prime Steak – It’s the only frigging steak so it must be the prime one, right? Our delightful wait staff will take careful note of your preference re doneness; the chef won’t.

 

Coronation Chicken – Out of respect, we prefer not to say whose coronation, Victoria!

 

Traditional Fish and Chips – fried to order at the Chinese take-away up the street.

 

Chinese Style Fried Noodles – actually leftover spaghetti from the lunch menu with whatever vegetables are cheapest at Tesco’s and pork. At least they told us it was pork.

 

Tripe and onions – No one has ordered this since World War II, except that Mrs McWhatsit from the next street but Tony keeps it on the menu for a bet. The wait staff are instructed that if she orders it to say it is off and suggest a hamburger then give her directions to McDonalds. Works every time!

 

 

DESSERT

 

Fruit Pie of the Day – same old apple pie every day. Served with lumpy custard. Extra lumps free on request.

French Crèpes – Tesco’s frozen thin crust pizza bases with sugar

 

Ice cream with Fresh Fruit – if Tony can find the can opener for the fresh fruit. Ice cream is artisan made by the local supermarket’s supplier.

 

Cheese platter – Kraft slice served on a cracker with one pineapple lump from Tony’s vintage can. Extra slice of cheese - ₤1

 

 

 

NOTE:

 

A voluntary service charge of 20% will be applied to all bills. Any customer choosing not to pay should apply in person to Big Bill the Bruiser, the door man /bouncer.

 

All mains are served with choice of Welsh organic rice, fries (not sure what they were in their last incarnation -probably not potatoes), or Keenwhah, Queenwaaagh, shit I don’t know, some shit from the jungle in South America).

 

All allergies catered for. You got an allergy we are sure to serve it. Vegetarians are advised to seek assistance next door at Dr. Viande’s Clinic for the Disturbed. We do serve vegans, as a special, every Tuesday lunchtime – with or without barbecue sauce.

 

No children’s menu. Cooking children is illegal.

 

Edited by liuzhou (log)
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...your dancing child with his Chinese suit.

 

"No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot"
Mark Twain
 

The Kitchen Scale Manifesto

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Tropicalsenior

Tropicalsenior

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Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, liuzhou said:

– if Tony can find the can opener for the fresh fruit.

That reminds me of the time that I saw broccoli with Hollandaise sauce on a menu and I asked the waitress if it was real hollandaise or mock Hollandaise. She returned and said that it was definitely real Hollandaise. The chef showed her the can that it came out of. I passed.

Edited by Tropicalsenior (log)
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Porthos

Porthos

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I am making some cookies and the recipe says "margarine or butter." As I read it I heard Ed Harris' voice from Apollo 13, "Margarine is not an option."

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Porthos Potwatcher
The Once and Future Cook

;

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Alex

Alex

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, liuzhou said:

317983918_451352157178671_7518257063544939321_n.thumb.jpg.ed65da6b7e8dc4bcbd5622787b3478df.jpg

 

Perfect! Do I spy beer cans?

 

And of course I immediately thought of this: 

 

 

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"There is no sincerer love than the love of food."  -George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman, Act 1

 

"Imagine all the food you have eaten in your life and consider that you are simply some of that food, rearranged."  -Max Tegmark, physicist

 

Gene Weingarten, writing in the Washington Post about online news stories and the accompanying readers' comments: "I basically like 'comments,' though they can seem a little jarring: spit-flecked rants that are appended to a product that at least tries for a measure of objectivity and dignity. It's as though when you order a sirloin steak, it comes with a side of maggots."

 

A king can stand people's fighting, but he can't last long if people start thinking. -Will Rogers, humorist

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