Catering to Guests' Food Preferences

Scargo · August 28, 2007

I've looked for answers to my dilemma and the Emily Post site had one divided discussion on the topic.

I consider myself a good cook and have had numerous, large (6-12 people) dinner parties. I once lived with a woman and when we entertained she and I both usually cooked. She felt that you did not cater to the whims of guests by make special dishes, just for them, when you had something else planned. If they didn't like something, they didn't have to eat it. We virtually never had a problem. There was a phase where my teenage son didn't care for fish, but that didn't stop us. He ate it or just had to eat more of someting else.

Now, I am in a different relationship with a woman whos 23 YO daughter is very picky about food. At restaurants she likes to make the waiters jump through hoops with special requests of "leave this out" or "put this in" or "can you cook it this way?". If she sees garlic then she picks it out but if it is indiscernable then she likes it and will eat the dish". She will go "ewwwww" if there is something she doesn't like. My partner's son will eat anything I put before him. He raves about my cooking and frequently invites himself over for meals.

I am having a dinner party since my son is visiting and the daughter has anounced, eight hours before the party, and after I planned and purchased food for the meal, that she is not eating red meat. My partner wants me to change the plans and just grill chicken. I was going to braise sirloin with my homemade tomato sauce and veggies out of my garden. The catch is, this is something new that the daughter is doing. She has never had a problem with eating red meat before!

Am I justified in being pissed? My partner has asked me "pretty please" to cater to her. What would you do? Should I at least let her know that I object and don't like doing giving her the special treatment (and dislike having to change my dinner plans)?

Beyond this one instance, how do you feel about making backup entrees or asking people in advance what THEY would like to eat? I would certainly make exceptions for vegetarians and people with food allergies if they tell me in advance, or if I know what their preferences are and have decided I want to invite them.

Chris Amirault · August 28, 2007

It's part of my routine to ask guests what they're eating preferences or prohibitions are, and I'd bet it's part of yours, too. I mean, if a vegetarian you love came over for dinner, you'd make adjustments, right?

This situation doesn't really seem to be about that; there's more afoot.

It seems to me that you have a perfect, and honest, response ready to go: "I've already planned, purchased, and started preparing the meal, so I can't change the menu. But I'll be happy to pick up a rotisserie chicken so that you will have an option." You save face, gracefully dodge this blended-family bullet for now, incur no one's wrath, and can make what you want.

If it were me, I'd be sure that chicken got warmed up for a good hour or two in a 350F oven, just to be sure it's cooked through.

Daniel Rogov · August 28, 2007

Apologies in that I forget the source of the quote but I agree with its sentiment entirely: "When you invite guests into your home you assume the responsibility for their happiness during the time they are visiting."

Whether you've invited or been "stuck with" a guest should have no bearing on it. It is a host's obligation to be as certain as possible that the person will find pleasure with you. Indeed, there is always a secondary dish or set of dishes that can be prepared for even the fussiest of eaters

Kouign Aman · August 28, 2007

Like Mac ' n Cheese.

I'm with Chris, tho I might skip the part about making chicken jerky.

I would plate that 'guest''s portion in advance, so the others dont think I'm providing a choice of main courses.

Maybe with a little toothpick flag in it & her name on it, like they do at workshops for people with various food restrictions. Ok - that's not nice.

But seriously, I'd plate it in the kitchen and quietly bring it out after I'd put all the other food on the table, while the other guests are loading up their own plates.

munchymom · August 28, 2007

Acting in good faith, you can just make the meal you've planned, and she can eat whatever she chooses out of what's available. You don't have to make anything special for her; a 23 year old ought to be capable of sitting politely at a dinner table, going through the motions of eating, and getting herself a peanut butter sandwich before or after the dinner party. If you want to be extra nice, make a side dish that's appropriate to the meal that you know she likes.

In general, when I invite people over I want them to be happy; I ask ahead of time about vegetarians, allergies, and even strong likes and dislikes. But it doesn't sound like this is a person you like very much or want to have around, so the bare minimum of politeness should suffice. How your partner reacts to this is your lookout.

petite tête de chou · August 28, 2007

Well, your partner *did* ask pretty please. You gotta do it. And as much as you'd like to let li'l-miss-pissy-pants know what an inconvenience this is, don't. That's sorta tacky and if your partner knew, I bet it would make her unhappy. And you *don't* want that.

Jensen · August 28, 2007

I fall on the side of "pick up some rotisserie chicken for the girl and plate it in the kitchen". Eight hours notice is just not enough to justify changing the entire menu.

Edited to add: I really disagree with Petite tete du chou on this one. Unless the invitation to the party went out nine hours ago, this really sounds like a control issue the girl has. "Oh, let's see what hoops I can make [fill in the blank] jump through!" I don't see any point in encouraging it; the rotisserie chicken is a polite and workable alternative to rearranging everything for her.

Edited August 28, 2007 by Jensen (log)

Porthos · August 28, 2007

Beyond this one instance, how do you feel about making backup entrees or asking people in advance what THEY would like to eat? I would certainly make exceptions for vegetarians and people with food allergies if they tell me in advance, or if I know what their preferences are and have decided I want to invite them.
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My wife and I will be cooking a meal for my brother and his wife at their home this coming weekend. Even though we are very familiar with their likes and dislikes my sweetie asked them today via email what their preferences are - who knows what may have changed. We strive to work within the framework of the likes and needs of whomever we are cooking for. We have a dear friend in San Diego who is both a type 1 diabetic and has celiac (sp?). It's never a problem to fix food for them because - here's the important thing - we know in ADVANCE what we need to do. Sometimes we have had to flex a bit but it was never catastrophic - such as the time we were preparing artichokes for dinner and our friend casually mentioned that he didn't like artichokes. One quick look in the freezer and another veggie was added to the menu.

About the most I would do in the case of your step-daugher is to make sure there are other dishes she can fill up on. My take on reading this is that she has been accomodated for way too long and hasn't quite figured out how actual adults treat each other - food choices or otherwise. To me (sorry if this is harsh) your SO is out of line asking you to change at the last minute to accomodate her adult daughter.

Take my thoughts with one specific insight into my personal bias: I don't deal well with last-minute surprizes - especially when my wife and I have carefully put together a menu.

kbjesq · August 28, 2007

This situation doesn't really seem to be about that; there's more afoot.
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Chris is 100% correct, IMHO, and speaking from experience. Nonetheless, the fact remains that you have already put in a great deal of time into planning and preparing this meal, and you and the others involved (except Miss Picky) will no doubt enjoy your selection.

That being said, I would forge ahead with what you have planned, but add a chicken dish (rotisserie sounds fine & easy), so that you can report to your current partner that you have addressed Miss Picky's latest dietary whim. That way, no one can complain, you will look like the hero that you are for taking the high road, and Miss Picky will learn not only that she cannot force you to completely abandon plans at the last minute (or "jump through hoops" like the waiters that you referenced), but also that compromise is often necessary to maintain happiness in a relationship.

LoveToEatATL · August 28, 2007

Let us know what you decided to do.

This daughter sounds like a spoiled 10 year old and your partner giving in to her every whim isn't doing her any favors.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but I wouldn't put this in the category of making sure your guests are happy and comfortable. This is just bullying.

She's testing you.

wattacetti · August 28, 2007

I guess I'm a lot harsher than most of you.

When I invite someone for a meal, I'm taking the time to cook for that person. I'm not running a restaurant or a catering business.

I respect someone's dietary restrictions due to valid health reasons or religion and will also control for food allergies (despite the moderate entertainment value in watching certain individuals I know stab themselves with an epi-pen).

Don't like it because you don't feel like it? Too bad - there are others at the table who would gladly have the portion.

My two kopecks, but your partner's being spineless and it's your dinner: plate the same thing for the daughter. If she makes a stink, just announce that it was what was prepared for the evening and leave it at that.

heidih · August 28, 2007

I weigh in on the rotisserie chicken side. I have been at various times the one with lots of dietary restrictions (all self-imposed), from vegetarian to no-fat, to no carb. I have never ever expected a host to alter a menu for me. I just ate the parts I could and was thankful when nobody made a big deal about it. Imposing my plan on someone else never occurred to me. I dealt for years with a sister in law (now "ex") who did not eat red meat. Countless meals were cooked by me as the only "cook" in the family no matter what house we were at, and had her "turkey ham" or whatever mock product she approved of available at her request. Nobody else ever touched it, the leftovers were destined for the bin, and I cringed at all the chemicals in the faux products that were allegedly healthier than the dreaded red meat which was oftentimes the hyper lean "other white meat" anyway versus her hormone ridden bargain basement chicken breast (no dark meat either...).

Marlene · August 29, 2007

You're in one of those "damned if you do, and damned if you don't" positions, depending on how important this relationship is to you. :smile:

I always ask my guests in advance for preferences and allergies, but 8 hours before the party is nothing but a control play. She knows her mother will put pressure on you to cave.

I wouldn't change your menu, but I would go the rotisserie chicken route as well, not because I think you're giving in to her power play, but because as a hostess, it's not my style not to try to accommodate a guest, even when it's family, and frankly it's probably not worth the battle with your partner, right before a dinner party. This way you can and should still serve the meal you want, and the girl can have something to eat as well. There's no reason why everyone else palate needs to revolve around her sudden changes in diet.

When it's all over, I suspect you and your partner are going to have to come to some sort of agreement on how to handle this when it happens again. Because it probably will.

Busboy · August 29, 2007

Apologies in that I forget the source of the quote but I agree with its sentiment entirely: "When you invite guests into your home you assume the responsibility for their happiness during the time they are visiting."
Whether you've invited or been "stuck with" a guest should have no bearing on it. It is a host's obligation to be as certain as possible that the person will find pleasure with you. Indeed, there is always a secondary dish or set of dishes that can be prepared for even the fussiest of eaters
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As much as I respect your opinion on all things culinary and strive to make my guests happy, I think that -- outside (real) medical conditions and religious restrictions, it is abominably rude to attempt to dictate the menu at a meal to which someone has been gracious enough to invite me. (Miss Manners is with me on this one all the way). And as for my kids trying to to do so on short notice -- they great thing about kids is that they're not "guests" and you can be a little more blunt with them than the other invitees; in this situation, I'd tell my daughter to get bent.

As long as we're swimming in the waters of pop psychology, I'd cut the partner a little slack as (s)he's probably trying to get on the kid's good side, a perfectly reasonable ambition. A firm but gentle response would be in order.

And, finally, I probably know the dietary habits of anyone I consider a close enough friend to invite to a serious meal in my home. Most of them are pretty omnivorous, but I mentally group the few who are picky for whatever reason with like palates, and plan the meal, from the start, in a way that works for everyone and that the omnivores don't notice has been tailored to the dietetically (or lactose) intolerant.

Jensen · August 29, 2007

And, finally, I probably know the dietary habits of anyone I consider a close enough friend to invite to a serious meal in my home. Most of them are pretty omnivorous, but I mentally group the few who are picky for whatever reason with like palates, and plan the meal, from the start, in a way that works for everyone and that the omnivores don't notice has been tailored to the dietetically (or lactose) intolerant.
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Since I doubt we're going to hear from Scargo about the evening and what he ultimately decided to do until tomorrow, I thought I'd pick up on Busboy's move to broaden discussion a wee bit (which I should note Scargo did do in the original post).

The only real accommodations I've had to make in the past have been for vegetarian guests. About twice or three times per year, I host my book club for breakfast; about half of book club is vegetarian. I used to try to make vegetarian versions of dishes but after one meeting at which the vegetarian version of a dish was waaaayyy better than the omnivore version, I've just started making the entire thing vegetarian. Interestingly enough, our last meeting was held at one of the vegetarian's and she prepared turkey sausages for the omnivorous guests! I thought that rather cool. :biggrin:

Recently, a very good friend's daughter was visiting from out of town. Since his spouse was away caring for a very ill parent, we invited B. and his daughter for dinner, knowing full well that she was a raw vegan.

I have to confess, the tricky part about the meal was the "raw", not the "vegan". It worked out though...three substantial salads for all of us and then some grilled beef and bread for the omnivores.

I really don't have a problem accommodating people's eating habits; I'll usually just make an alternative for them.

Malkavian · August 29, 2007

The young lady obviously has some sort of complex that requires her to exert whatever control she can on her surroundings. It WILL happen again, probably whether you cater to it or not, so I'd set the precedent now--it'd be one thing if you asked her input in planning the meal, 8 hours notice is, as others have said, a power play.

If she were at my table she'd be welcome to side dishes (if she could find any without garlic bits, hah) or could be hungry. Perhaps I'm harsh but I feel my responsibility for a guest's enjoyment extends only just as far as the rational and reasonable.

petite tête de chou · August 29, 2007

I fall on the side of "pick up some rotisserie chicken for the girl and plate it in the kitchen". Eight hours notice is just not enough to justify changing the entire menu.
Edited to add: I really disagree with Petite tete du chou on this one. Unless the invitation to the party went out nine hours ago, this really sounds like a control issue the girl has. "Oh, let's see what hoops I can make [fill in the blank] jump through!" I don't see any point in encouraging it; the rotisserie chicken is a polite and workable alternative to rearranging everything for her.
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I didn't intend to mean that his menu had to be completely rearranged. Scargo is free to prepare and enjoy the meal as originally planned. Wether he cooks the chicken himself or buys one, this is the polite and gracious road to travel, as you have pointed out.

hummingbirdkiss · August 29, 2007

I think being polite and making the odd meal for her in her honor is fine ....however as a rule and as a 23 year old one time myself ..I was raised that a pollite guest of any age when they go to someones home for a meal.. they eat what is served ...appreciate the fact someone went out of their way and is grateful as they leave leave that someone thought well enough of them to have them in their home. So you are in a dilemma for sure ...on the one hand winning her over is not a bad idea ...and on the other catering to a brat is not great at all ..there has to be mid ground and a 23 year old is not too old to learn to a pollite and grateful adult!

..that said I have a few large dinner parties a year and I have two ways of doing this

the first is a theme meal of some kind ...I will pick a theme and invite people ..."I am making Ethiopian on blah blah night" I sometimes include the menu in the invitation sometimes not... then I throw myself into it and prepare an all inclusive feast for my friends ..I have never one time had someone make a special request..I think because it is so obvious what I am making that they just dont come if they do not want my food! (and really I have never had that happen either!)

the other type would be "in honor of" and those meals I cater to the guest/guests of honor whatever they request or they love then I make it ...it is all about them and not me so I have the sit down with them prior ..arrange the menu around them and no matter what they want I make this meal according to them...

I assume that everyone who accepts my invite loves well prepared foods and make sure there is a large variety to choose from (to include veg dishes and a healthy dessert choices) ...buffet or family style serving helps solve all of this...

only rarely to I plate food and that is usually for lunches

hope this helps in some way :smile:

Edited August 29, 2007 by hummingbirdkiss (log)

Gastro888 · August 29, 2007

She's 23 years old and on a friggin' power trip. It would be one thing if she was polite and nice about it but she's not. Don't change anything and tell your partner that I love you, I understand where you're coming from but NO.

Give this girl and inch and she's plow you over. Don't give in.

dockhl · August 29, 2007

My daughter decided at age 5 to become a vegetarian. My cooking style didn't change much except to be more careful about sauces (meat based) for her and not including animal protein on her plate.

She never had a problem making a complete meal from the sides, and I made sure during the day that she got lots of other protein.

In this case I'd question first whether this is a lifestyle change or just a whim (hoops....) and certainly not change the menu. I'd throw a piece of chicken (if she wanted) in the oven, or add a single portion of pasta for her. Would she be willing to have the braising liquid as a sauce for her pasta? Or is she not even eating red meat juices? (All this concern should make SO happy without derailing the dinner plans).

JohnnyH · August 29, 2007

I fall on the side of "pick up some rotisserie chicken for the girl and plate it in the kitchen". Eight hours notice is just not enough to justify changing the entire menu.
Edited to add: I really disagree with Petite tete du chou on this one. Unless the invitation to the party went out nine hours ago, this really sounds like a control issue the girl has. "Oh, let's see what hoops I can make [fill in the blank] jump through!" I don't see any point in encouraging it; the rotisserie chicken is a polite and workable alternative to rearranging everything for her.
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Yup.

divalasvegas · August 29, 2007

I tend to agree the "hard core" responses here. No matter why she is doing this: to alienate the OP, as a power trip, control freak, etc., it's very negative and off-putting behavior and should not be indulged. I know from personal experience--not limited to food matters of course--that when I indulged rude/bad behavior from someone that I was going to be interacting with on a regular basis or even occasional basis, I've ALWAYS regretted it.

I won't regurgitate all of the excellent reasons given already for not putting up with this type of behavior, but would like to add that if the OP is really serious about a longterm relationship with this woman and bends to her daughter's rudeness just imagine what holidays and special occasions will be like. There's no avoiding it: deal firmly with it now or, after a whole lotta unnecessary stress and drama at future meals, deal with it later.

dockhl · August 29, 2007

if the OP is really serious about a longterm relationship with this woman and bends to her daughter's rudeness just imagine what holidays and special occasions will be like. There's no avoiding it: deal firmly with it now or, after a whole lotta unnecessary stress and drama at future meals, deal with it later.

So true.............

Jaymes · August 29, 2007

The real problem here, of course, is the girl's mother. She wants this girl to like you. So basically, Mom is allowing the girl to blackmail you both.

The thing you need to decide is is the Mom worth it.

And how new is this relationship? If it's brand new, and the mom is worth it, I'd go the rotisserie-chicken-sidedish-plate-in-the-kitchen route this time, skip the argument, and explain to the mom later after everybody is calmer that you're not up for a lifetime of this manipulation.

And that in the future, when you invite the daughter to join the grownups for a nice meal, she will not be dictating the menu.

Or anything else about her mother's relationships, either.

And if the mother isn't willing to stand up to the daughter, you've got yourself a more important issue than chicken to deal with.

mojoman · August 29, 2007

While I try to conduct myself as Mr. Rogov suggested, in any social interaction, both parties have an obligation to be courteous and polite.

I bend over backwards to make my guests comfortable.

However, this is bullshit. The OP has already noticed a similar pattern of controlling behavior and she springs this on him with 8 hours notice.

Fuck her. She's being a BAAAADD guest. He might not be the greatest host not to indulge her but, in my mind, her being a bad guest way outweighs his not being an accomodating host.

Let her eat the sides although you should take care not to have any visible garlic chunks in them.

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