food vs. family

[bavila]

While my sister, who lives about a 5-hour drive away, was here last weekend helping me gear up for baby's arrival, she broached the subject of Thanksgiving.

"I know you probably won't be up for hosting Thanksgiving with the baby, so I wanted to offer for you to come to our place. But I want you to know that I'm not going to do turkey AND mashed potatoes AND stuffing AND all this other stuff. In fact, I was thinking of even ordering a turkey. Or maybe we could go out."

Now, I appreciate her offer to play host. BUT, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, AND a huge part of that is the food. I could live without the seven-course haute version or a buffet spread with 20 side dishes. However comma....I know my sister and her peevishly picky husband. "Ordering a turkey" would mean something along the lines of Boston Market. And after the horrendous hotel brunch we had while visiting her for Easter, I had to work not to visibly wince at her suggestion.

How hard is it to roast a turkey? Sheesh... Stick it in the oven and polish off a couple of bottles of wine while you wait. Oh that's right. They don't drink.

Right now I'm thinking of staying in Annapolis and feast-hopping amongst the homes of my friends who are Damned Good Cooks. But is this an unfair snub to my family? Have you ever had to choose between spending time with loved ones and celebrating a holiday or event the way you really want to?

[BarbaraY]

I don't see any reason why you should feel obliged to go to your sister's for a poor meal. Just say you don't want to put the baby through all the travel yet.

Invite a few friend to your house for turkey and have them bring something.

Thanksgiving is the only holiday thet we have the big family bash. I've sort of dumped it on my younger sister the last couple of years. She has a bigger house and we are big family. She lives only a mile away so it is very convenient for all.

Christmas is for each family unit to decide what they want to do.

I have only once gone out for Thanksgiving and my guy and I both disliked it. Well, all except the pumpkin soup garnished with toasted pepitas. That was really good.

[Soup]

If you go out to eat how do you deal with not having left overs. This is just as good as the meal.

Do what my parents do. We've held t-day at my house last few years. My mom brings all the ingrediants and cooks a great meal in my kitchen. We help her with a lot of the smaller tasks. No one complains because the food is great.

And since your sister can watch the kid(s)....you have baby sitting. That way you get family and a great meal.

Thanksgiving has to be the best holiday of the year. No gifts, just cooking, eating, and drinking.

[Carrot Top]

Right now I'm thinking of staying in Annapolis and feast-hopping amongst the homes of my friends who are Damned Good Cooks.  But is this an unfair snub to my family?  Have you ever had to choose between spending time with loved ones and celebrating a holiday or event the way you really want to?

Finally, it must be a choice between whether the family connection or the taste of the food is more important to you.

Isn't there some sort of saying about how "relatives are people you would never have anything to do with unless they were your family" (?)

While true that some meals can be absolutely dreadful. . .at the same time if you start to cut the family bonds in terms of foregoing holidays together. . .then time and distance can start the edge towards loss of that "family" thing.

I know lots of people with lots of family who consistently drive them crazy.

But ask yourself. . .would you rather have the craziness. . .or would you rather be like some people and have no family?

Family. . .you can not buy. Nor can you create it often, even if you wish to.

If you have it, you might want to consider it a blessing.

Unless it definitely is not. That happens sometimes too. But that, should not be based on a meal choice, in my opinion.

An aggrevating blessing that makes you go through the process of putting food in your mouth that you don't like sometimes. . .but nonetheless. . .

And there is always the option of cooking exactly what you like to eat the day before or the week after. . .and inviting friends for a post-holiday holiday celebration. It really is not the DAY that matters. It's what you choose to do with your time and how creative you can get. . .to try to fit the many good things in life, into life.

Edited August 24, 2005 by Carrot Top (log)

[glossyp]

Thanksgiving is sacred territory for me as well. In all of the remote places of the world where I've found myself in Thanksgivings past, I always managed to create at least some of the dishes that represent this important holiday which celebrates bounty and blessings. Celebrate as you see fit, family will still be family regardless of whether you're together or not (being with family is obviously not a prerequisite for me!) and enjoy the day.

[ronnie_suburban]

I agree with you about TG; it's my favorite holiday because it's primarily about the food but still, hosting is hard and requires a lot more work than just making the food. The meal itself must be planned out and shopped. For a larger group, the set-up of the house and table(s) is time-consuming too. And let's not forget about the most labor-intensive task: the clean-up, which follows not only the cooking but the eating of the meal as well. In the end, hosting TG is a fairly major task which usually disrupts in no small way one's general routine. It's fairly significant upheaval; especially for someone who really isn't in the mood to do it. Even the basic act of cooking the turkey may require extra effort, like cleaning out one's refrigerator or getting up earlier than one is used to.

All that said, if it were me, I'd either offer to host the family version myself (which I always do to ensure that my immediate family has TG the way we want it) or do whatever I could to make it as easy as possible on the relatives doing the hosting (committing to make certain sides, pledging clean-up effort, etc). As much as I love a food-oriented holiday, I cannot imagine ever putting the TG meal ahead of being with my family.

Going out for TG totally sucks, IMO. Having it at someone's home/apartment is the preferred mode because it matches up with my vision of what the holiday should be. Family members can hang out together and watch/play football. The kids can play together before and after meal. Grown-ups can take a nice, post-meal walk together. These are parts of the holiday that are just lost when you go out for TG dinner. No matter what, I would work very hard to prevent my TG dinner from taking that form.

Every year my mom tries to convince me that we should go to her country club for Thanksgiving...blech! It's usually a small skirmish but having it at home always wins out. That's the price I pay for making sure TG goes the way I want it to.

=R=

[jgm]

Although I don't remember the name of it, I do remember covering this territory in a thread last fall.

What it boils down to, is that there's a clash between food lovers like us, and, uh, the rest of the world, including (but not limited to) non-cooks, so-so cooks, terrible cooks, and relatives with incredibly sensitive feelings and no talent in the kitchen.

It can create a lot of friction and irritation. Several people pointed out, and I have grown to agree with them, that family holiday gatherings are for renewing ties and making memories, and not as much about the food--in some households, at least. The general recommendation was for food lovers to create and enjoy their ultimate holiday feast on another weekend, and do what they must on Thanksgiving and other holidays. It's very hard to look at the lovingly prepared, elaborate spreads in the cooking magazines, and then go to Aunt Helen's and eat Stovetop Stuffing, canned green beans, and gravy from a jar. You can fight with your relatives and be miserable, or go along to get along, and create your dream feast at another time of your choosing.

[elfin]

IT'S NOT ONLY THE POST PARTY CLEAN UP-IT IS THE PRE PARTY CLEAN UP THAT BITES AS WELL!

[ronnie_suburban]

IT'S NOT ONLY THE POST PARTY CLEAN UP-IT IS THE PRE PARTY CLEAN UP  THAT BITES AS WELL!

←

LOL! That is so true. Can't believe I overlooked that.

=R=

[dougery]

If this were the last Thanksgiving you know you would ever celebrate with your sister what would you do?

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday as well, but the warmth, love and fullness I get from family will always outweigh my love for food.

[Jean Blanchard]

Ah yes, the holidays. Here's how it goes for me. I have three brothers whose wives are not into cooking or entertaining. One has never had a holiday at her house. Another has it occasionally and serves it on paper plates and never has enough food and the other tries really hard but it never seems to come out right. So, they come to my house 98% of the time and two of them never get up from the table to help clean up. I end up exhausted and broke from all of the wine they drink.

So, why do I do it? Because they're the only family I've got. I can't make them understand how important it is to me to do the holiday traditions that we all grew up with. Do I understand this behavior? Absolutely not.

Happy Holidays!

jb

[jeniac42]

Ah, family holidays. This year I don't even know if my family will bother having Thanksgiving; I took charge of it for five or six years, mostly because my mom doesn't even enjoy cooking (and, much as I love her, is kind of a terrible cook). Last year my mom did the dinner, and everyone sat around looking glum, but that's true no matter who cooks the food. This year, my youngest sister's moved to Florida, and my middle sister is probably too busy to show up.

Too bad, because Thanksgiving is one of my favorites. That's why my boyfriend and I are going to celebrate the FOURTH OF THANKSJUGIVING, aka the holiday halfway between the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving. This way, we get to have fireworks, a turkey (with sparklers stuck in it?), stuffing, blueberry pie, potato salad, and any other good food that springs to mind. We get to celebrate with our friends, and we'll still be free on the Actual Holiday of Thanksgiving to spend time with our families.

So if it's just about having the food, make up another holiday and celebrate with friends then! I don't LIKE spending time with my family but it's important.

[Katie Nell]

For years now, (I'm 25) my mom and dad (and my brother and I) have had to eat mediocre food at my Grandma's house on Thanksgiving. I like some of her food, but Thanksgiving is particularly awful... dry turkey, doughy stuffing, bland mashed and extra lumpy (not the good lumps!) potatoes, etc. Luckily, my mom has always made the pies! A few years ago my Grandma had had some health problems so we offered to do Thanksgiving at our house and actually, at the time, she was thrilled! We didn't do anything really "weird," but we just kind of flavored it up a bit: we made turkey with an onion and garlic jam, stuffing with dried cranberries, homemade cranberry dressing, roasted brussel sprouts, cream cheese and garlic mashed potatoes, etc. My grandparents and my aunt and uncle barely ate, but afterwards, my immediate family agreed it was the best Thanksgiving meal we'd ever had, if we did say so ourselves! The next year, my Grandma announced that she would be having Thanksgiving again because she just wanted to have "regular" food! How horrible is that?!? So, now we have our own Thanksgiving meal on a different day and just look forward to that! Who says you can't have more than one Thanksgiving meal?!?

[SuzySushi]

In my 20s, I had TWO Thanksgiving dinners every year: one at my parents' house, and the other at my best friend's house. Why? Because my mother was a terrible cook and my best friend's mother was a fabulous one. After my grandmother (who made the Thanksgiving dinners when I was a child) passed away, my mother never made a full Thanksgiving spread -- just turkey, stuffing OR mashed potatoes (not both), a frozen veggie, and canned cranberry sauce. Ice cream for dessert (no pie!). And the holiday gathering was just my parents, my sister, and me.

My friend's mother, OTOH, had a groaning board of delights, not only the traditional American foods, but Syrian-Jewish dishes like lamb stew with apricots, okra with tomatoes, and homemade rugelach (just in case there wasn't enough else to eat, I suppose!). There was a crowd of at least a dozen friends and extended family, and interesting dinner-table conversation.

My mother, of course, was extremely jealous that I preferred to spend the holiday at my friend's house rather than with family. So I'd end up eating one Thanksgiving dinner for lunch and another for dinner, or dinners two days in a row!

Of course that isn't possible with your sister a five-hour drive away, Bavila, but maybe you can go to her place for Thanksgiving day, and have your Thanksgiving dinner on the weekend a week earlier or a week later (and nothing says you can't celebrate it on Canadian Thanksgiving Day in October!).

[fifi]

First let me say that if I ever had to choose food over family . . . Well . . . It wouldn't even come up. I am lucky in one way. These days the family is very small. Locally, just my sister and nephew and me. But we do have a fair sized "extended" family of friends. Almost all are good cooks and enjoy cooking so we normally have an extended cooking orgy at the most convenient place at the time.

But . . . I wouldn't throw out the idea of having dinner out if you have the right setting. Last year, for a variety of reasons, none of them bad, it was just going to be the three of us. We did end up adding an "orphan" friend. We just didn't feel up to the usual celebration. Luckily, my nephew is a member of the Houston Yacht Club and they do a really smashing buffet every Thanksgiving. What the heck. We have always been creative with Thanksgiving. While there are a few family must-haves we can run pretty far afield of the traditional. We just thought of this as another one of our experimental departures. Luckily, the weather was spectacular. We enjoyed the meal. Then walked around looking at the boats and chatting with other members. We went back for dessert and it was such a pretty day, we went down the bay to a friend's place and went out on his pier. We sat out there talking, solving the problems of the world, until the air got chilly after a spectacular sunset. It was a lovely day all around. We enjoyed our experimental day immensely.

Would I do the same every time? No. But it worked last year.

[EdS]

...

Right now I'm thinking of staying in Annapolis and feast-hopping amongst the homes of my friends who are Damned Good Cooks.  But is this an unfair snub to my family?  Have you ever had to choose between spending time with loved ones and celebrating a holiday or event the way you really want to?

←

You should do what you want to do and worry more about what is fair to you than worry about what is "fair" to someone else. If you want a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, you should have one. It would be kind of silly to sit at that table and be miserable for several hours and if you don't want to be there, it most likely will show. I flat out don't like turkey and most of those other dishes that go with it and couldn't care less about the holiday but the idea is the same. I can see these folks another time. I used to tapdance around these things but I don't anymore. Oh, the audacity! Well, tough titt... eh... turkey! I'm much happier and have no regrets.

Edited August 24, 2005 by esvoboda (log)

[Curlz]

Ah, yes...the holidays. For me, this is always interesting, although it involves close friends more than family. Keeping in mind that these friends are family to me and/or I'm dealing with the issue of my brother's in-laws, it's still the same issue--I don't want to offend people, but come on, people! It's a FOOD holiday. I've found a few solutions that work for me for Thanksgiving:

First and foremost, I always volunteer to bring something (often a few things), so at least there will be a couple of items that I really enjoy.

Secondly, I agree--there MUST be leftovers! So I'll often host on Fri or Sat and just invite my closest crew and deal with all of the pre- and post- cleanup and space issues (I live in an apt). And let me tell you, they're happy to have my leftovers too! The next day, I make soup.

And sometimes, you just have to say NO. As in, "Sorry, but I've already accepted another invitation." or "Sorry, but we're just not up for it this year." And you know what? The universe hasn't stopped once when I've done it...

When it comes to the Jewish holidays, all I can say is thank goodness my dad is a foodie! When we go to visit, one meal is usually at their house, the other at their best friends'--and they're all about an outrageous meal regardless of the occasion, so that's an invitation I'm always happy to accept. My mom gave up hosting years ago (as soon as I had the space to do it), and thankfully, she's always a willing guest anywhere.

"Staying in Annapolis and feast-hopping amongst the homes of my friends who are Damned Good Cooks" sounds like the perfect solution to me, Bavila! But if you end up guilted in to driving 5 hours (traffic--another reason I stay close to home for T-Day) because of the new kid, you've got to at least insist on a REAL meal. Even if you have to help make it happen.

[suzilightning]

since my mom died 15 years ago i haven't had to deal with this problem .

my sister's birthday was always celebrated on thanksgiving day (she was born on that day). because of our family birthday tradition ( see the birthday dining thread in special occasions) this meant out to a restaurant or lasagna.

now adays i make 2 loaves of portugese sweet bread, onion jam, soup of some sort, a green bean casserole and ship it up to my mil with johnnybird. i then head out to the hawkwatch and come home to eat whatever i want, usually french onion soup. john gets to see his mom and siblings then goes over to his uncle's house to see his dad, aunts, uncles and cousins. the next day, if it's nice, they go golfing. winning situation all around.

[M.X.Hassett]

I normally just eat alot before, the aunt who ALWAYS leaves the giblet bag in the turkey, prepares food. Most of the desserts ala sandra lee are a non booze hangover waiting to happen But it is worth it for me to see tnhe extended family. I only live two blocks away so I always sneak home and fill my pockets with freshly (purchased) sliced LARDO

Edited August 25, 2005 by M.X.Hassett (log)

[Jason Perlow]

It is certainly possible to have a good thanksgiving "out", but you need to be very selective about where you go. I am sure that where your sister lives (Boston? NYC? DC/MD/VA?) with enough research and lead time, you could find a very nice restaurant that is doing thanksgiving. But I would insist to your sister that you come up with the place, not them, since you are the resident food expert.

[FabulousFoodBabe]

Whenever we go to someone else's place for Thanksgiving, we come home and make "leftovers" -- basically, a smaller version of the meal we have every year at our house. We started to do this after a meal at my SIL's, that featured stuffing with pepperoni, olives, parmesan cheese.

Edited August 25, 2005 by FabulousFoodBabe (log)

[hjshorter]

My uncle and godfather, who lived in the LA area, died last week. I would have eaten Stove Top stuffing, dried out turkey and canned green beans to be with him and my cousins more in the years since we moved to the East Coast. You think "there's always next year" but sometimes there isn't.

My parents did not make visiting family a priority after we left and I am not going to make that mistake now that I have a family of my own. We frequently have a subpar meal with family, then cook our own after the actual holiday. Food is important but I want my kids to know their people.

[dougery]

My uncle and godfather, who lived in the LA area, died last week.  I would have eaten Stove Top stuffing, dried out turkey and canned green beans to be with him and my cousins more in the years since we moved to the East Coast.  You think "there's always next year" but sometimes there isn't.

←

Well said.

My parents are getting old and I know that there are fewer shared Thanksgivings ahead of us than there are behind us. I can totally understand that some folks have some funky, dysfunctional dynamics going on within their families (who doesn't?) but when I look back when all is said and done, I know I wont have any regrets for lack of trying to communicate with my family.

Food is a VERY important part of my life, but family is food for my soul. I think I'll take care of my soul first...

[mrbigjas]

Too bad, because Thanksgiving is one of my favorites.  That's why my boyfriend and I are going to celebrate the FOURTH OF THANKSJUGIVING, aka the holiday halfway between the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving.  This way, we get to have fireworks, a turkey (with sparklers stuck in it?), stuffing, blueberry pie, potato salad, and any other good food that springs to mind.  We get to celebrate with our friends, and we'll still be free on the Actual Holiday of Thanksgiving to spend time with our families.

i'm gonna go ahead and nominate this as the best freakin idea i've heard in a long long time. it works on so many levels. the food is fresher at that time of year. there's nothing else going on (unless you're jewish) that time of year. it can help stave off depression about summer ending and school and work picking back up.... i just love it. i think i'm gonna do it.

[therese]

Family, no question. And I've eaten some truly dreadful meals as a result.

Your sister is trying to be nice by offering to host this year, and you can turn her offer down nicely by pointing out that traveling with an infant is a thorough thrash. But you needn't forego your family's company either: invite them and cook for them. You'll have all those extra hands to help with the baby, freeing you up to cook. The best of both worlds.