A long overdue postcolonial reading of the Williams-Sonoma catalog ...

[paulraphael]

http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/the-2014-haters-guide-to-the-williams-sonoma-catalog-1667452305

 

Sample ...

 

Item #66-5832014 – Hot Chocolate Pot ($60)

 

Copy: "New & exclusive! Award-winning mid-century design from the Dansk Kobenstyle collection. Engineered for uniform heating in heavy-gauge steel with a stay-cool teak handle."

 

 

Drew Says: Yes, a hot chocolate pot. Because a fondue pot wasn't quite useless enough. Hey, you know what other kind of pot is good for making hot chocolate? A POT. Like, any regular pot that you already have. I know sometimes it dribbles down the side when you pour the chocolate out, making you want to kill God. But if you use a ladle, you'll be fine...

[ElsieD]

Best laugh I've had in a while. Thanks for posting this.

[Anna N]

OMG. I am afraid the lapkins did me in.

[Hassouni]

I could have ghostwritten this. I'm amazed I didn't.

 

My favorites:

 

"If my kid went through college and then told me he wanted to follow his dream of being an artisanal candymaker named Williamsburg Wonka, I would beat his ass. No remorse."

 

"The Williams-Sonoma catalog will not rest until you need a separate pot for every single goddamn thing you make.QUICK! SOMEONE FETCH ME THE GOAT CHEESE FRITATTA SKILLET! No, not the Western Frittata skillet, you MORON! "

 

"Oh, and just add my favorite filling? HOW? With my croissonut filling pot? Hey, you know what? I'm selling my own cronut knockoff, too. Pay me $80, and I'll come to your house with a bag of flour, and then I'll kick you in the shins. The kick is gluten-free."

 

"I really dispute the "new and exclusive" tag being used for fake branches. How exclusive can a fake branch be? That is a patented branch design, people! One of a kind! Our workers in Portugal slaved over getting the needles just right."

[FauxPas]

Hahahahaaha!!!  That was a lovely read!  

[Deryn]

Thank you. That was hilarious.

What I want to know about the Chocolate Hot Pot trivet/lid is .. once you remove it from the scalding hot pot (hey it kept the chocolate inside and got it to boil faster - it is a lid after all) and put it on the table to protect the table from the scalding hot pot bottom - ummm the lid is now hot, particularly on the bottom inside (which is also probably dripping with condensing steam) .. how DO you protect the table from the hot pot LID (which is now a trivet)?

Edited December 10, 2014 by Deryn (log)

[Shelby]

CRYING laughing.  I love it.  My favorite:

 

 How do you slice the idiotic snowman cake? You don't. You bake it, you put it in the center of the table, and then you yell at the kids to not fucking touch it. That's how people roll with a snowman cake.

[paulraphael]

First time through I missed that the kick is gluten-free. I'm stealing that.

[KootenayCook]

LOL. THANKS for this!

[boilsover]

Actually, I find the chocolate pot the least ridiculous item Drew featured (And I find most of what W-S does ridiculous).

 

I have one of these, and for chocolate and Greek coffee, IMO, a pot like this is worthwhile.

Edited December 11, 2014 by boilsover (log)

[Tri2Cook]

how DO you protect the table from the hot pot LID (which is now a trivet)?

Obviously you buy the exclusive Hot Pot Lid/Trivet Table Protector and the Hot Pot Lid/Trivet Glove (for removing the Hot Pot Lid/Trivet from the Hot Pot and placing it on the Hot Pot Lid/Trivet Table Protector without burning your fingers).

[Porthos]

Thanks so much for posting this. Great laughs.

[Thanks for the Crepes]

Thank you, paulraphael, for the best laughs I've had in a long time.

 

I tend to be very serious, maybe even a little dour, with a dry, wry sense of humor. Once it gets going though..., well I was laughing so hard I had to explain my bizarre behavior to my husband. I came back from the bathroom, still chuckling, and then read this comment from "Burner613":

 

"Six years ago my then 3 year old son saw the Santa version of the snowman pan in the catalog and asked me to get it. I did because I was 7 months pregnant and felt guilty about this being his last Christmas without a sibling. WORST DECISION. First, the fancy ass decorations in the catalog were done with fruit leather and fondant. Yeah, that wasn't happening. Second, you have to glue the sides together and let them "set" before frosting your monstrosity so the cake dries out beautifully. And, finally, I ended up full on pregnancy fueled crying at 2 AM because Santa looks like a lawn jockey in white face after a bender. It scared the crap out of the kid (here have a slice of face and arm!) and tasted like sand. I tried it again a few years later with one of their expensive mixes and less frosting - still nasty and creepy."

 

I had to wipe tears after that, being primed by Drew's mockery on W & S!

 

"Santa looks like a lawn jockey in white face after a bender."

 

"Here have a slice of face and arm!" To a toddler!

 

Those are the two lines that most got me.

 

I am laughing insanely again hours later, thinking about it again and typing this.

 

Seriously, Thanks.

[paulraphael]

And the punchline ...

I got a WS gift certificate for Xmas.

Anyone want to buy it at a discount?

It's got $85 value on it. Yours for $65.

[ChocoMom]

That was hysterical!  Thanks for posting....I needed a good chuckle.  

 

BTW...you could always use the GC as a down payment on the 2K Espresso Machine.

 

(Were they really serious about that?  That had to be a joke.)