Grief and Food

[MetsFan5]

  I’m fortunate since my girl died I have had my parents and neighbors offering food for me. My friends know me better, I’m just not interested at all in eating while grieving. 
 

  I don’t know how to politely and continuously say no, other than being like “drive to the nearest KFC and get me a large mashed potatoes with gravy” which is a big ask. 
 

  What foods comfort you during a loss? 

[Maison Rustique]

Oh, @MetsFan5, I am so sorry for your loss. And then Maisey, too. I know that both @Smithy and I can relate since we both have gone through losses this past year as well. 

 

My eating habits changed long before I lost my husband. The stress of caring for him during the time he was home caused my appetite to diminish. Then when he went into memory care, I mostly kept a baggie of crackers in my car and ate them on the way there and back and called it food. I lost a tremendous amount of weight. 3 weeks after my husband died, I had a hip replacement. After that, my appetite just left and I could barely eat without getting sick. I think it must have been a reaction to the anesthesia. At any rate, people literally thought I was dying. During all this time, people continued to bring me all sorts of food and occasionally take me out. I just couldn't stomach more than a bite of two. Then I lost the cat a week before Christmas. It hit me hard, but I realized that I had to try harder to eat.

 

Instead of worrying about eating good food, I started eating snack food--chips mostly, which I've never really done in my life. But somehow the salt sat well in my stomach. Once I got enough salt and carbs in me (potatoes and gravy sound great!!), I gradually began to feel better and have started eating and gaining back some weight. I still will pick salt and carbs If I'm stressed, but am gradually trying to eat real food again. I'm not sure I'll ever get my cooking mojo back, but at least I'm better than I was a few months ago.

 

Hang in there!!!

[Smithy]

I totally lost my appetite also, beginning with when my husband was ailing and then continuing after he died. I found that convenience was the key. I ate a lot of hummus and tabbouli, which were easy to make and lasted well. I usually ate them scooped into tortilla chips. I also bought a rotisserie chicken from time to time and feasted on that. I was lucky in that I had concerned friends but only one came by with food -- a quiche. It was delicious. She was funny and rather apologetic about it: "Now I understand why people bring food," she said. "You want to do something to help but you don't know what, so you bring food!" Still, it took me about a week to eat it.

 

Getting back to the original question:

11 hours ago, MetsFan5 said:

What foods comfort you during a loss? 

 

I think the real problem is that they don't. At most they can serve as a distraction. My wonderul favorite aunt might have disagreed with me. She gained a lot of weight with her favorite comfort food -- a whole pint of her favorite ice cream, while watching TV! -- after her husband, one of my favorite uncles, died. But that came back to bite her, because of course she never lost that weight again. And as astute as she was about many things, I suspect she was distracting rather than comforting herself. If I'm going for the distraction I'll do wine, but I know that's no better for me than ice cream!

 

So, knowing that your family wants to do something for you and won't take "no" for an answer, I suggest you ask for things that will keep well in the refrigerator (or freezer) and reheat easily. Think of the grocery money you'll save later! My own personal favorites are chicken and pasta with something salty or savory. If I'm in a mood to mess around in the kitchen and be distracted that way, I'll do something with those that takes time. If I'm not, or if I have friends helping, I'll ask for something easy. I personally would not be above asking someone to drive to the nearest KFC and bring a bucket of mashed potatoes and gravy, but it might depend on how far they had to drive. 🙂

 

Edited to add: toast with melted cheese, or else a grilled cheese sandwich with some meat along with the cheese, is another easy dish that goes well for me. I've found that one grilled sandwich can provide 2 meals. And yes, to me it's comforting despite what I've just written above. 

Edited 20 hours ago by Smithy
Added final paragraph (log)

[BeeZee]

I can't say that food, per se, gave me comfort. It was the heartfelt effort of loved ones/friends making the effort more than anything. However, Mom's homemade chicken soup with noodles is good for the soul, and easy on a stomach that isn't really asking to do any heavy lifting.

[Smithy]

 

 

1 minute ago, BeeZee said:

I can't say that food, per se, gave me comfort. It was the heartfelt effort of loved ones/friends making the effort more than anything. However, Mom's homemade chicken soup with noodles is good for the soul, and easy on a stomach that isn't really asking to do any heavy lifting.

 

I was just posting about soups and stews when this popped up! We're on the same page. When it's cold, and the weather as dreary as my mood, I also find soups or stews to be easy comforts as these things go...and as BeeZee points out, easy on the stomach. Easy to eat just a few spoonsful and then save the rest for later. And easy for family to bring, even if they can't duplicate Mom's homemade chicken noodle soup.

[MetsFan5]

To clarify, when I said I “lost my girl”, I meant Maisey. I don’t have any children and now am living completely alone for the first time. 
 

 I feel you all of snack/ convenience foods. I kind of graze a bit whenever I get a rare hunger pain. 
 

 I lost a lot of weight when my husband left me—- nothing appealed to me. Now I just don’t have the energy to make an effort and nothing is appealing. 
 

  The only thing remotely tempting to me is pastina with butter and S&P. Maybe I’ll order a “fasta pasta” agin because I’d rather use “chef Mike” than stand and watch pasta water boil. 

[Alex]

9 hours ago, MetsFan5 said:

The only thing remotely tempting to me is pastina with butter and S&P.

 

That was my favorite pasta dish when I was a young'un in NYC! And now I can't even find it in the supermarkets here. 

[Shel_B]

22 minutes ago, Alex said:

 

That (pastina) was my favorite pasta dish when I was a young'un in NYC! And now I can't even find it in the supermarkets here. 

That's surprising, as both DeCecco and Barilla make very "commercially oriented" pastina, as do a few other prodcers.  If you can't find pastina, look for Stelline, which is another name for the same pasta (AFAIK).

 

I remember Ronzoni advertising pastina on the kids' TV shows I'd watch in the early-mid '50s. Ronzoni has discontinued the product due to production problems.

 

Have you considered Fregola?