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adrober

Food in Hell

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So, look, you're dead and things didn't turn out like you planned. And now you're gonna pay.

Who's the chef?

What are they serving?

Who are your companions?

Basically, eGulleters, what's your biggest food nightmare?

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The only beverage is KoolAde. WARM KoolAde. I'm not sure about all the food, but I do know that overcooked broccoli, without any fat or seasonings, is a standard item on the menu. It goes nicely with the completely overcooked skinless, boneless, unseasoned chicken breast.

The good news is that in Hell I will finally get really thin. :smile:

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Who's the chef?

"Chef" loosely applied here -- Sandra Lee :laugh:

What are they serving?

Canned and excessively overcooked asparagus.

Who are my companions?

All thieves. :angry:

1. The scamming coworker that somehow lost $100 of our cashout in the 8 steps between table 50 and the server cashier register after working together at a busy Saturday beer barrel.

2. Another thieving coworker that gave me a ride home and asked if she could use my bathroom before she drove herself back to her own house. Oddly one of my necklaces and my favourite ring went missing from the ceramic holder in my bathroom and she never showed up for work again.

3. The morons that stole my Honda a few years ago. Nothing like closing up the bar after a long shift and strolling out to the parking lot to see a sparkly pile of broken glass where the car was parked!

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the chef: Sandra Lee

the waitron: Richard Simmons

the menu: hamburger helper, velveeta fondue, Boones Farm strawberry wine

table companions: Pat Robertson, Pat Sajack, Anna Nicole Smith

beans beat me to Sandra Lee as chef!


Edited by tennesseespice (log)

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Chef: Cynthia of Dallas ......my best friend. A woman of great beauty and intelligence.(clothier has seen her picture, he thinks she's a hot redhead too)She has 2 masters degrees and working on a phd in criminology now. A successful entrepreneuer, she owns both a construction materials business AND one of the largest cotton gins in Texas. She also teaches science to high school students. Cyn is the envy of all for her great talents.......BUT

She can't cook worth sh**.

Her epicurean feats are Kraft Mac and Cheese, Swanson pot pies and putting ketchup on Sonic Burgers. She stresses if her salad dressing arrives alongside the salad. Woe to any of her children who asks for chicken soup when ill...Unless Grandma's around, that child can count on prolonging that cold that much longer.

Rumour has it she's Chef Boyardee's bastard child, thrown out with the raviolis.

Cyn and a cooking pot.......the Devil incarnate

the Menu:

Appetizer: Mushy Wings.....you know what I'm referring to.....Chicken wings barely cooked with rubbery skin and greasy , congealed hot sauce.....

Salad: Ambrosia Salad.......marshmallows, coconut, mandarin oranges and God knows what else.......again......mushy ick

Main Course: Liver and Onions..........d'y'all realize what gets processed through livers?....Huh huh huh? My rule of thumb: Offal is awful

Side Dishes: Cauliflower anything ( note the recurring theme here, Cauliflower looks like a brain......Brains are offal....true to my form...offal is awful)

Garlic Mashed Potatoes- I mean, why do this to one of the tastiest simplicities in life? It ain't broke........quit trying to fix it.

Baked Turnips- I see no reason why they should be absorbing all the nitrogen that could be nurturing all those taters and carrots......bluck......turnips

Bread: Pillsbury Hot Loaves..nuff said

Beverage: Cream Soda of any brand......sickningly sweet, cloying cream soda

Dessert: Hostess Snowball cupcakes

Dining area: Plastic woven mesh lawn chairs that make tic tac toe boards on your butt and your thighs. leftover plastic utensils from Long John Silvers excursions, McDonalds napkins............all beautifully arrayed on milk crate tables.....ahhhhhhh the rich life......

Dining partners:

My sister.....she sitteth at the right hand of Jerry Falwell the father here on Earth. I'm pretty sure they already have her reservation called in down there.

Michael Jackson......just visualizing that immobile ghastly masked face of his trying to chew on a cauliflower stalk.....would definitely fit in somewhere in the rings of Hell

My last date who's name shall not be spoken.......I just like the thought of him breaking a sweat

Paris Hilton-another person I resent for taking up the oxygen I need to breathe.

I could go on, but I'm already tasking Cyn the chef way over her capabilities.

That's my idea of Cafe Hell

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Practically anything, no matter how well prepared or served, cooked in exactly the same way for all eternity.

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Main Course: Liver and Onions..........d'y'all realize what gets processed through livers?....Huh huh huh? My rule of thumb: Offal is awful

Garlic Mashed Potatoes- I mean, why do this to one of the tastiest simplicities in life? It ain't broke........quit trying to fix it.

Baked Turnips- I see no reason why they should be absorbing all the nitrogen that could be nurturing all those taters and carrots......bluck......turnips

Wow.

You are going to hell.

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Just pick any raw food restaurant and put me at the table with a bunch of vegans. Throw in a couple bottles of Arbor Mist and a few ex in-laws - Now that's a party.

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The chef: My mom. 1) She's an indifferent cook to begin with, clains an "allergy" to garlic, also claims that she can smell blood in anything but very well done beef (and that it makes her vomit) and age has turned her into a truly awful one (actually, she doesn't cook at all any more) 2) Having her hovering over me for all eternity would undo all that therapy that I've gone through in my mortal life.

The waiter: This guy I used to wait with who would would rub the free bread all over his crotch before serving it to customers.

The dishes: Well, leaving out obvious really horrible stuff like monkey brains and concentrating on things I've actually been forced to eat in this life...mom's overcooked canned asparagus with Velveeta; Hungry Jack biscuits; devilled eggs (no pun intended) made with Miracle Whip; fried chicken with soggy skin; and jello with Cool-Whip for dessert. Oh, and snacks in Hell would consist of banana on white bread with globs of mayo.

Companions: My mom's family. They make Woody Allen look well adjusted, Tammy Faye Baker look in control of her emotions and Hitler look accepting.

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Practically anything, no matter how well prepared or served, cooked in exactly the same way for all eternity.

I'm with John. Your favorite meal, all the best stuff. Every day. Forever.

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I went last night to support a friend that had to go get a "difficult"family member out of jail. The guy has a substance abuse problem (a huge one) and has been in and out of jail for a long time. Very sad. But his brother is a good friend and a decent guy so I went along to help him pass the time.

Anyway, while taking this guy home, he regaled us with tales of food in the lockup( he was there for a month). It sounded much like food in an actual hell-

The Waiter-jailbirds

The Chef-Jailbirds

Companions-Jailbirds

Breakfast-unsalted grits, canned fruit, instant coffee, a piece of "sausage" two days a week, biscuit

Lunch-baloney sandwich w/mayo only-fruit-weak green kool aid-beans and rice or baked chicken (salt and pepper only) on Sunday

Dinner-baloney on a hot dog bun, a few chips, beans and rice a couple of times a week.

That's it. Sounds like hell to me. There are guys who spend years in the place eating this same stuff over and over again.

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In my personal 9th circle of Hell, an indifferent, long time kitchen employee from a Hilton banquet department (breakfast shift) is cooking recipes from Roxanne Gold and Charlie Trotter's RAW.

There's a cigarette machine--and even a smoking section in the Philippe Starck designed dining room. But only Menthol Light 100's are available.

Geraldo Rivera is the floor manager--and I am prohibited from beating him with the nearest blunt object--or plunging my butter knife into his neck-by the security team of righteous young Christians who hover nearby, spouting verse..

Eternal mood music is provided by Neil Diamond, made more unbearable by the fact that my tablemates, Donald Trump, Fred Durst, Anna Nicole Smith and Sam Donaldson seem to like it--and keep tapping their feet and singing along. Karaoke is a constant threat.

And I flew in on American Airlines. Coach .

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In my personal 9th circle of Hell, an indifferent, long time kitchen employee from a Hilton banquet department (breakfast shift) ....

* * * * * * *

Karaoke is a constant threat.

And I flew in on American Airlines. Coach .

:laugh:

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The Chef - Ex-boyfriend's mother... a.k.a. "The Helper Queen". If it's in a box marked "convenient", she was all about it.

The Drink - Buttermilk and Eggnog. Oh god, my throat is tightening up just typing the words!!!

The Food - Coleslaw, all kinds of coleslaw. Church social coleslaw... coleslaw that's been trapped in a boxed chicken meal for 20 minutes... nothing but coleslaw!!!!

The Company - My grandmother and one of my exes, for the same reason... nasty eaters! Example... they strip everything to the bone and then suck the bones! They're both the kind of people that will eat chicken on the bone, to the bone, and then take the chicken off of your plate because you're "wasting it". (Shudder) IN PUBLIC!!!

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The Company - My grandmother and one of my exes, for the same reason... nasty eaters! Example... they strip everything to the bone and then suck the bones! They're both the kind of people that will eat chicken on the bone, to the bone, and then take the chicken off of your plate because you're "wasting it". (Shudder) IN PUBLIC!!!

Ha, that's funny, because my idea of hell would be boneless, skinless ANYTHING - no bones or cartilage or tendon or marrow, ever.

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In my personal 9th circle of Hell, an indifferent, long time kitchen employee from a Hilton banquet department (breakfast shift) is cooking recipes from Roxanne Gold and Charlie Trotter's RAW.

There's a cigarette machine--and even a smoking section in the Philippe Starck designed dining room. But only Menthol Light 100's are available.

Geraldo Rivera is the floor manager--and I am prohibited from beating him with the nearest blunt object--or plunging my butter knife into his neck-by the security team of righteous young Christians who hover nearby, spouting verse..

Eternal mood music is provided by Neil Diamond, made more unbearable by the fact that my tablemates, Donald Trump, Fred Durst, Anna Nicole Smith and Sam Donaldson seem to like it--and keep tapping their feet and singing along. Karaoke is a constant threat.

And I flew in on American Airlines. Coach .

:shock:

Trendy raw food. And Sam Donaldson singing. For eternity.

You've nailed it, sir: that's Hell.

:hmmm:

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An all-you-can- eat shellfish buffet. I either have to starve, or eat and have my body break out in itchy hives and my throat close up.

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Ha, that's funny, because my idea of hell would be boneless, skinless ANYTHING - no bones or cartilage or tendon or marrow, ever.

Oh no, do not misunderstand, those are the good parts, but eating with these people is like eating with hyeneas. There's something very unsavory about sitting accross from someone that is actually glistening with chicken fat and that "are you gonna eat that?" look in their eyes. Dinner conversation is all but impossible because all I can think about is finding a wet-nap!

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This is too easy. The best food in the world is in hell, but it smells like cilantro. :biggrin:

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The Chef: the Cafeteria Lady from Rossi Elementary circa 1975.

The Cuisine: Boiled meat, green jello, room temperature milk

The House Band: Creed

The Guests: Gilbert Godfried, Fat Bastard from Austin Powers, and Freddy Kruger

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The House Band: Creed

HAAA! In my hell, Rush is the house band... and someone keeps calling for "Fly By Night" over and over again. :wacko:

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The House Band: Creed

HAAA! In my hell, Rush is the house band... and someone keeps calling for "Fly By Night" over and over again. :wacko:

Rush would be a close second to Fleetwood Mac in my Hell. Just the thought of listening to Stevie Nicks belt out Gypsy for eternity is enough to frighten me into clean living.

The setting would be in my car driving through DC metro traffic at rush hour going so slowly that the fucking speed doesn't even register on the speedometer. I'd be eating the KFC (Kitchen Fresh Chicken...right guys...HA...that chicken, sadly, has never seen a real kitchen) the new boneless, skinless fried breast with the mashed potatoes that always remind me of elementary school paste with gravy. Also the coleslaw...ewww....and the baked apples with the mysterious chunky bits that always seem to be there. And there'd be no smokes or gum in sight to get rid of the taste in my mouth.

Yeah, that'd do it.

SML

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hmm..tough one. Hell's not part of my worldview, so i've never given thought to fit punishment for my various misdeeds and indiscretions. i'll have to think about it.

i see bourdain's AA coach, and raise him one delta coach during the holidays.

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Practically anything, no matter how well prepared or served, cooked in exactly the same way for all eternity.

I'm with John. Your favorite meal, all the best stuff. Every day. Forever.

Me three.

In fact, "forever" would be hell.

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