I will never again . . . (Part 1)

[browniebaker]

or use white lily flour for anything other than biscuits.

Why not?

White Lily makes the best, most tender quick breads, meaning not just biscuits but pancakes and muffins as well. Some cakes that call for all-purpose flour are better made with White Lily, too.

I hope you didn't try to make yeast-bread with White Lily, which is too low-gluten for that.

[elyse]

Nero, I would have killed to be there!

Callipygos, that reminds me of the cake in the Little Rascals with the rubber glove in it.

[NeroW]

Nero, I would have killed to be there!

elyse, I would have killed *not* to be there.

[jsolomon]

Wow, these stories are much better than my brussels shots which occurred when I got the rock-dumb idea to flambe some brussels sprouts in tequila. I think we got about 40 proof brussels sprouts out of that... and I was the only one of age at that dinner

[Busboy]

I will never slice potatoes with a mandoline, without using the guard, or mouth off about my cooking skills again.

Making Pommes Anna with guests already over, not using the little plastic gripper thing because, frankly, its a pain and doesnt' work well.

My friend Beth warned me to be careful, that a mutual acquaintence of ours has sliced the tip of his finger off doing the same thing.

I had barely gotten the words "I think I have a little more experience in the kitchen than Joel" out of my mouth before I was applying direct pressure to stop the bleeding and gin to stop the pain.

Another friend finished the slicng for me while I writhed for a few minutes in the back room. The dinner went fine. The fingertip grew back. I use the guard now.

[PopsicleToze]

I have laughed so much that my co-workers think something is going on behind these doors

I'm from the south and just fell in love with chestnuts when visiting NY. Found some in a grocer a few years ago -- a first. Bought them and envisioned "chestnuts roasting by the open fire." Well, almost. Decided to roast them in the oven. Was sitting on sofa when I heard gunfire. Well, I do live in New Orleans. So, after a few rounds of fire, I ducked to the floor and stayed still for dear life. More rounds. Discovered they were coming from the kitchen area. Well, no one had ever told me that you needed to score the little chestnuts before you roasted them. I had exploded chestnut gook all over the oven and kitchen (after being brave enough to open the oven door), and it was not easy to clean. Who knew

[tryska]

mmm....chestnuts.

[zilla369]

....try to carry two eggs in my pocket.

Yes, children, this happened just this evening. Our walk-in, catering kitchen, walk-in freezer, and dry goods storage area are all down two flights of stairs and across a driveway from the restaurant kitchen. I had gone down to the catering kitchen to retrieve a full sheet pan of enrobed chocoalte mousse layer cakes. While i was down there, i remembered that we were out of paper towels at the hand sink, so i picked up a giant roll of paper toweling and put it under one arm. Then i remembered that a co-worker was short one egg yolk for the caesar dressing he was making - and i needed that dressing tout de suite for my pantry station.

Now, we could argue all night whether i was trying to be efficient or whether i was simply lazy, not wanting to make another trip down and back up for just one egg. But the most amazing thing is, and i remember this very clearly, as i was putting the eggs (always get two even if you need just one!) in my pocket: this is stupid.

The Egg Devil, on my left shoulder, said: "C'mon. You don't want to come back down here for one lousy egg. Just...put them in your pocket. You'll be careful."

The Egg Angel, on my right shoulder, said: "Are you crazy? You got some kinda egg death-wish? You'll never make it! Never!!"

Fuck you, Egg Angel, i thought. I put the eggs in my pocket (oh yes! the pocket with four dollars in it!), put the towels under one arm and put the sheet tray of cakes up on my oppostie shoulder. Then I - carefully, even gingerly - began my trot up the stairs. Made it up the first flight. Midways through the second flight - *CRACK*.

But, ya know, even though i had to wash my four dollars and lay them on the knife case to dry, and even though ONE egg broke, and i had to wear my pocket inside-out for the rest of the night, i DID end up with the one egg my buddy needed for the dressing. So *nyah* to you, Egg Angel.

However, i won't be pulling that stunt again any time soon.

[zilla369]

BTW, unless you need the folding money right away, it launders really well in the warm wash/cold rinse cycle.  A pass of the iron, and Bob's yer uncle.

Oh. My. God.

I laughed my ass off at the thought of me ironing money. Local vendors are very lucky i washed it at all. Your Money Angel is a harsh taskmaster, Miss Maggie.

[Suzy]

Note: I'm disabled and have to cook from a seated position, my kitchen is not accessible.

Never pull a cast iron pan out of the oven, set it on the front burner, then reach to over it to turn the oven dial off.

I've done this, not once or twice, but three times. I have lovely U shaped scars on my inner right forearm from this. After the third time I wisened up and I use a long, cheap pair of tongs to reach over and turn the dials, while I cook.

Never pull a pyrex pan out of the oven, then sit it on the counter underneath an open window on a cold winter's night. It will explode, glass shrapnel will go everywhere, and you will never get all of it up. When we moved out of that house 2 years later, we were still finding shards of Pyrex, here and there.

Not to mention, after you've spent hours making dinner, seeing it everywhere full of glass will make you cry and call the local pizza place.

A chipotle based marinade is not the best thing for steaks you plan on searing, at least not in a house that does not have an adequate vent fan. Everyone in the house will cough for hours, even if the food does taste wonderful.

A couple of more stupid things I did when I was first learning to cook. Don't buy cheap bulk buillion. Green chicken gravy is not attractive in any way, shape or form. (hey, I didn't know how to make my own broth/stocks back then and we were broke, it was cheap, and scary as hell. My husband, then fiance, did eat it, though.)

I still haven't figured out how I made cream gravy that tasted sweet enough to be frosting. I didn't mix up the flour and sugar, but it was so disgusting that we had to throw it and the plates of food under it, out. Always taste your gravy before you pour it onto your food.

And my campfire cooking exploits:

Bacon tastes wonderful cooked over a campfire. But, before you try to scramble eggs, let the fire burn down. Rubbery doesn't begin to describe them.

Baked potatoes take a lot less time in a fire. Oh, and make sure the fire is burned way down before trying this as well. If you don't you'll have potato charcoal.

Jiffy Pop will work over a campfire, even though it says it won't. Just make sure the fire is going good and have something long to shake it around with.

[Katherine]

I will never decide make a recipe that calls for raw lobster because I live under the misconception it is as easy to remove from the shell as COOKED lobster.

Hell, I'm just never going to make Dublin Lawyer again.  Ever.  Or anything else that requires I kill a live lobster by stabbing it in the back of the neck.

Drop the lobsters one at a time into a kettle of boiling water, fish them out after exactly 1 minute, and quench in a bucket of ice water for 5-10 minutes.

The meat will release, but still be raw.

I've tried it both ways. Take my word for it.

[elyse]

Excellent, Suzy, thanks.

Note:  I'm disabled and have to cook from a seated position, my kitchen is not accessible.

Never pull a cast iron pan out of the oven, set it on the front burner, then reach to over it to turn the oven dial off.

Maybe turn the oven off first? If the tongs are awkward, that is.

I still haven't figured out how I made cream gravy that tasted sweet enough to be frosting.  I didn't mix up the flour and sugar, but it was so disgusting that we had to throw it and the plates of food under it, out.  Always taste your gravy before you pour it onto your food.

Did you mistake confectioner's sugar for flour or cornstarch? Sugar for salt?

[NVNVGirl]

I didn't do this but I witnessed it and it was SCARY! Put a cordial glass with gold on it and Drambuie in it into the microwave to heat it.....shattered glass and flames all over.

Not take the time to pull out the collander and try to drain pasta using the pan's lid over the garbage disposal (bye bye noodles)

Put eggs on stove to hardboil in a small pan,then forget and go run to the gourmet food store for "just a couple of things"....(it's amazing how far and high eggs can explode)

[Raynickben]

..never substitute lighter fluid for a sterno because you stupidly forgot to buy sterno and it's Christmas day and all the stores are closed but you have guests and they are expecting fondue....

[goyatofu]

put parchment paper in the salamander......

actually, this happened during class, one of my classmates laughed at me when this happened, and proceeded to do the exact same thing.......so did 3 other students....

[dscott]

(From last night):

I will never again...

try to salvage soggy tortilla chips (due to inadvertant refrigeration) by baking them in the toaster oven.

The result is very large flames.

Thankfully, the sink is right next to the toaster oven and the soot marks all over the white cabinets overhead did come off with a quick wipe!

[Suzy]

Excellent, Suzy, thanks.

Note:  I'm disabled and have to cook from a seated position, my kitchen is not accessible.

Never pull a cast iron pan out of the oven, set it on the front burner, then reach to over it to turn the oven dial off.

Maybe turn the oven off first? If the tongs are awkward, that is.

I still haven't figured out how I made cream gravy that tasted sweet enough to be frosting.  I didn't mix up the flour and sugar, but it was so disgusting that we had to throw it and the plates of food under it, out.  Always taste your gravy before you pour it onto your food.

Did you mistake confectioner's sugar for flour or cornstarch? Sugar for salt?

You know, I'm obviously not the brightest crayon in the box, I've never thought to turn the oven off, first. I don't know if it's just an engrained habit of pulling food out, then cutting it off or just me being duh? But, I will be doing that from now on. Thanks for the idea

As for the cream gravy mystery? I don't think I'll ever figure that one out. I know I used flour instead of sugar, but it was just eww sweet. And since it was a small container of milk neither of us tasted it by itself, so maybe that's what caused it? Luckily that's never happened again.

Edited August 18, 2003 by Suzy (log)

[elyse]

Two heads are better than one!

[Rhea_S]

So how does a cake explode in the oven?

[torakris]

oh I did one of those sugar-salt mistakes.

I was a newlywed and had gotten some gorgeous fresh trout and decided to make yaki-zakana, whole grilled fish sprinkled with a good dose of salt.

Well I wasn't paying attention and grabbed the bag of sugar instead ......

....it wasn't that bad if you didn't eat the skin

My husband still talks about that!

[shoegal89]

Try to cook the smell out of anything.

Confuse powdered sugar for flour when making my father-in-law's birthday cake.

(Although I have done many stupid things, these were done by my closest friend. I can not take responsibility for these.)

[MichaelB]

There are two in my house.

Never truss a bird with heavy duty blue thread. My wife did this before we met. She still talks about how awful a blue-striped turkey looks.

Along the line of trying to catch a falling knife, never catch a falling box of saran. In my case, an almost new, 24 inch by 2,000 foot roll. This was years ago; and I still rub my right hand every time I think about it.

Edited August 19, 2003 by MichaelB (log)

[Jinmyo]

shoegal and Michael, welcome to eGullet.

I hope you don't have any more tragedies to post on this thread but look forward to reading you elsewhere.

[NeroW]

Along the line of trying to catch a falling knive, never catch a falling box of saran.  In my case, an almost new, 24 inch by 2,000 foot roll.  This was years ago; and I still rub my right hand every time I think about it.

I know what you mean.

I cut my wrist on one of those rolls the other day.

[Suzanne F]

Did I mention baking potatoes in the oven without first piercing them? Yup, exploding potato.