Food Humor

[sazji]

Two Turks go to the US. They have heard that they eat strange things there, but they were determined to try new things. So as they were walking down the street, they saw a hot dog stand. "Vayyy, Temel, they eat dogs here!" says Dursun. "Yeah....but we said we'd try new things. Let's try it!" So they ask for two hot dogs. Temel opens his up, looks in suspiciously, and says "E...Dursun...which part of the dog did you get?"

[eslamprey]

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[TheFoodTutor]

True story, so not exactly a joke:

I was talking on the phone with my boyfriend, back when we'd just started dating, 5 years ago, and I noticed a wasp buzzing around the living room, smacking against the window. "There's a wasp in my apartment," I said.

"Well, offer him a manhattan," was my boyfriend's response.

Mildly food-related, but I thought it was pretty funny. Well, we're still together, anyway.

[mizducky]

Hey, sazji--the quote in your sig line is a pretty danged funny food joke too!

"Los Angeles is the only city in the world where there are two separate lines at holy communion. One line is for the regular body of Christ. One line is for the fat-free body of Christ. Our Lady of Malibu Beach serves a great free-range body of Christ over angel-hair pasta."

-Lea de Laria

[Rebecca263]

Just to show you that there are eGulleters EVERYWHERE. Two cannibals were put into an adjoining room in a mental institution. One cannibal was thoughtfully looking through a magazine, tearing out pictures of various people, and shoving the papers into his mouth. The other cannibal looked at him with suspicion and asked, "Tell me, is that dehydrated stuff any good?"

Ba-dum-DUM!

Edited January 24, 2006 by Rebecca263 (log)

[I_call_the_duck]

Yet one more cannibal joke:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"

[eslamprey]

a surfeit of lampreys: food celebrities separated at birth

My friend and I did this one for my blog - it's kindof funny -

[Peter the eater]

Strictly speaking not a joke, but here are my top ten favourite food quotes from "The Simpsons":

10. Moe: “I just made a Cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing. . . Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with Spam? . . . Would you believe a rat filled with cough drops?”

9. Cletus: “Look Brandene, it's Wolfgang Puck! Mr. Puck, you make the only grub what satisfies my gut worm. I swear.”

8. Marge: “I'd like to see the Japanese take on the club sandwich. I bet it's smaller and more efficient.”

7. Comic Book Guy: “Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”

6. Troy McClure: “Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!”

5. Ralph: “When I grow up I'm going to Bovine University”

4. Lunch Lady Doris: “More testicles mean more iron.”

3. Apu: “These hotdogs are now nearly rectum-free”

2. Homer: “Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could shop at the gas station like normal people.”

And finally my personal favourite:

1. Homer: “I’m so hungry I could a steak the size of a toilet seat.”

[sazji]

Strictly speaking not a joke, but here are my top ten favourite food quotes from "The Simpsons":

(snip)

And there's my own personal favorite:

"If God didn't mean for man to eat animals, how come he made 'em outta meat?"

[jsmith]

I hope nobody minds me resurrecting an older thread but here are my childhood favourites:

**************************************

Q: Why was the tomato red?

A: He saw the salad dressing.

**************************************

Q: Why are all chefs sadists?

A: They beat the eggs and whip the cream

**************************************

Courtesy of my grandfather:

A small plane crashes in the middle of a desert, and miraculously no one is injured. The captain tells the passengers to remain calm; he will go look for food. He returns several hours later, announcing that he has some good news and some bad news. The passengers say they want the bad news first. The captain replies, “There’s nothing to eat here but sand and camel dung.” Shocked, a passenger stands up and asks the captain what the good news could possibly be. “There’s lots of it!”

**************************************

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Orange

Orange Who?

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

**************************************

From the great “shut up kid” line of jokes:

Mommy, Mommy! What’s a vampire?

Shut up kid, and drink your blood!

[Gifted Gourmet]

Young cannibal (to his mother): Mommy, Mommy, I hate my sister!

Exasperated mother replies: then just eat the noodles ...

Edited December 19, 2006 by Gifted Gourmet (log)

[dockhl]

My all time favorite ( little bit sexual........)

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[ChefCrash]

Good one doc.

A newly wed goes to work in the morning, leaving his young bride home feeling lonely and sad. From his office, he calls a pet store and arranges for the most expensive, most talkative Parrot be delivered to his wife to keep her company.

He waits a few hours and calls his wife to see how she liked the bird.

She replies: "It was very nice, a little stringy, very little white meat but still, very nice".

[jsmith]

Young cannibal (to his mother): Mommy, Mommy, I hate my sister!

Exasperated mother replies: then just eat the noodles ...

←

Mommy, Mommy! There's something in Daddy's eye!

Shut up kid, and eat around it!

[Chad]

Food joke and blond joke rolled into one:

A man receives a phone call from his blond girlfriend. She says, "I'm working on the hardest jigsaw puzzle in the world! I don't even know where to start. Can you come over and help me?"

He says, "Sure, honey, what's the puzzle supposed to be?"

She pauses for a moment and says, "Well, according to the picture on the box it's supposed to be a tiger of some sort."

The man goes over to his girlfriend's apartment, takes a look at the table and says, "Okay, let's just put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

That's my time, folks. Tip your waitresses.

Chad

[Kerry Beal]

Mommy, mommy, daddy's on fire.

Shut up kid, and get the marshmallows.

------------------------

An inebriated woman walks into a bar. "tarbender, tarbender, give me a tinimar..."

He fixes her a martini.

Later - "tarbender, tarbender, give me another tinimar..."

He fixes her another martini.

"tarbender, better give me a com tollins this time, those tinimars are giving me heartburn"

"Look lady" the bartender replies, " I'm a bartender, not a tar bender, and you've been drinking martinis not tinimars, and furthermore you haven't got heartburn, you've got your tit in the ashtray"

[Angeline7270]

Q. How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Three. Two to stand around and complain about it and one to get the manager.

[sazji]

A slightly below-the-belt one from Spain I just heard:

Q: Why are women unlucky?

A: Because in order to get a 15 cm chorizo, they have to take the whole pig.

[Fresser]

Mr. Finkelman goes into his favorite Lower East Side restaurant and sits down at the counter. A waiter comes over and sets down a bowl of soup in front of Finkelman.

Finkelman peers disapprovingly at the soup and beckons to the waiter. "Waiter! Taste this soup."

"Sir, is there a problem?" the waiter asks.

"Taste the soup." Finkelman insists.

"But what's the problem?"

"Taste the soup!!" Finkelman repeats.

"But Mr. Finkelman, " the waiter wails. "You've been eating here for thirty years! Has there ever been a problem with the soup?"

"TASTE THE SOUP!!!" Finkelman blurts.

"O.K., all right already," the waiter says. "Where's the spoon?"

Finkelman shoults triumphantly "Ah-ha!!!"

[ldenney]

Restaurant patron to waiter, "why is your thumb on my steak?" Waiter to patron,

"I didn't want to drop it again."

[markk]

Mr. Finkelman goes into his favorite Lower East Side restaurant and sits down at the counter. A waiter comes over and sets down a bowl of soup in front of Finkelman.

Finkelman peers disapprovingly at the soup and beckons to the waiter. "Waiter! Taste this soup."

"Sir, is there a problem?" the waiter asks.

"Taste the soup." Finkelman insists.

"But what's the problem?"

"Taste the soup!!" Finkelman repeats.

"But Mr. Finkelman, " the waiter wails. "You've been eating here for thirty years! Has there ever been a problem with the soup?"

"TASTE THE SOUP!!!" Finkelman blurts.

"O.K., all right already," the waiter says. "Where's the spoon?"

Finkelman shoults triumphantly "Ah-ha!!!"

←

This is a technicality, but I believe the guy originally says to the waiter "I CAN'T EAT this soup." Perhaps a subtle difference, but I recently heard it told where the guy starts out "This soup is no good", which of course just doesn't work. But I believe "i can't eat this soup" is the correct opening.

[markk]

A Jewish woman spending the summer at a hotel in the Catskills goes to the manager to complain, and she tells him, "De food in dis hotel is horrible. Sheer, and utter poison! And such small portions !!"

[scubadoo97]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material

we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us

sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode

your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be

disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused

by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we

all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it

is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after

eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front

row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding cake"

[insomniac]

a mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer

the barman says, 'sorry, I can't serve you.'

the mushroom says, 'why, not, I'm a fun guy.'

Edited January 20, 2007 by insomniac (log)

[Laksa]

A young couple's car broke down on their wedding night in a remote part of the country. They found an inn nearby and tried to get a room.

"I'm sorry, but we have no vacancies," the innkeeper said.

"It's late at night, our car broke down, and we're on our honeymoon. Could you please take another look?"

"Well... I do have a room with a double bunk bed, but there's already guest in there. He's a regular, and I'm sure he won't mind sharing the room if you don't."

Feeling desperate, the young couple decided to take it. They got to the room and was greeted by a friendly enough fellow.

"The innkeeper called and said you'll be coming. Well, as long as you don't cause a ruckus, I s'pose there's no harm sharing. I have bad knees so you'll have to take the top bunk."

After the lights went out, the newly-wed husband understandably started to feel frisky. However, the wife demurred.

"I am big on talking during love-making, honey," the wife explained, " and I just can't do it in the presence of a stranger."

"I know what we can do", the husband said. "Let's communicate in code. Whenever I do something you like, say 'tomato' and whenever you do it, I'll say 'lettuce'".

The wife agreed and they started to make love as quietly as they can.

The chants of "lettuce - tomato" started as a soft whisper but grew louder and louder.

"Lettuce"

"Tomato"

"Lettuce"

"Tomato"

"LETTUCE!"

"TOMATO!"

At this point, the guy in the bottom bunk woke with a start. It was clear from his voice that he was annoyed:

"HEY YOU TWO! Quit making salad up there! You're spilling mayonnaise all over me!"