Food Humor

[temesvari]

A man goes into a bar with his pet chimp, and the ever ravenous chimp eats every bit of food on the bar. Looks around, goes to the billiards table and eats the three billiard balls too.

A couple of days later the man and his chimp show up at the bar again. this time the chimp takes a beer nut, sticks it into his a**hole, takes it out, then eats it. Does this continuously with every bit of food in sight. The horrified bartender asks the man about his chimp's disgusting habit, and the man replies:

'After passing those billiard balls he decided to measure everything that goes into his mouth first'

//so sorry//

edited because I missed something essential!

Edited February 1, 2007 by temesvari (log)

[conor610]

So a carrot walks into a bar. Bartender looks up, says, "Sorry, we don't serve food."

Badum-ching.

edited for a typo

Edited January 21, 2009 by conor610 (log)

[Magictofu]

Q: What is white, wiggly and goes through walls?

A: A piece of magic tofu

[purplechick]

At an international beer conference, several beer company CEOs are relaxing in the bar of the hotel. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors, the CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light, and the CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. When asked about his order, the CEO of Guinness says, "Well, since no one else was having a beer I figured I shouldn't either."

[Mano]

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife who said:

"Va fanculo!"

"Questi sono per il funerale."

(Translation - Fuck off - these are for the funeral).

[Kim Shook]

My Italian grandmother couldn't cook a lick, but this is her to a T!

[Dianabanana]

This is almost a little *too* close to the truth about my Italian grandmother! What a battle axe. You trespassed in her kitchen at your peril. Not much sympathy for the suffering, either--when any of the grandchildren would cry, she'd say, brusquely, "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." I always thought Tony Soprano's mother Livia was a dead ringer for my grandmother. But boy did she put out the food. The big dining table with all of the extension leaves in, full of ravioli, or the backs of the kitchen chairs festooned with drying pasta . . . quart Mason jars of tuna caught by her neighbor and then packed in olive oil . . . a big bouquet of fresh basil from my grandfather's garden always in the middle of the table . . . the counters spread with fried eggplant on paper towels . . . .

[sparrowgrass]

Ah, everybody knows that is an Ole and Lena joke. Maybe toughness extends across cultures to all grandmas?

Ole is on his deathbed. The doctor has told him he has only a few hours to live. He catches the scent of his favorite bars wafting through the air. With all the strength he can muster, he drags himself into the kitchen and sees a fresh pan cooling on the rack. He cuts one out and bites into the scrumptious cookie. Lena comes in, smacks his hand, and says, "Shame on you, Ole! Dese are for after de funeral!"

edited to add: A similar joke is in currency among American Jews, but rather than a cookie, the food in question is a brisket.

Edited March 1, 2010 by sparrowgrass (log)

[Special K]

Thanks, Mano! I just read this aloud to my husband - we both got a much-needed laugh out of it.

K

[maggiethecat]

In my family this is a Lancashire joke -- sub ham for the ravioli.

[Special K]

Mom sent me this one, courtesy of her bowling buddies (Mom is 82). I have seen several versions, but this is my favorite:

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Luigi’s Restaurant because the waiters there are hot looking and muscular.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Luigi’s Restaurant because the food and the wine selection there is very good.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Luigi’s Restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Luigi’s Restaurant because the establishment is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Luigi’s Restaurant since they have never been there before.

[ScoopKW]

Heaven is a place where:

The lovers are Italian

The cooks are French

The mechanics are German

The police are English

The rock bands are American

Everything is run by the Swiss

Hell is a place where:

The lovers are Swiss

The cooks are English

The mechanics are French

The police are American

The rock bands are German

Everything is run by the Italians

(Apologies to the Swiss. That's probably undeserved.)

[Lior]

My 12 year old's silly joke:

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Answer:

Anyone can roast a beef, but no one can pee soup.

I decided she has great control over English as a second language!

[Doodad]

The cannibals capture an Englishman, a Frenchman and an Italian-American. Each is offered one last request before being killed and their skin made into canoes.

The Englishman requests a pint of ale, downs it and is killed. The cannibals began skinning him for a canoe.

The Frenchman requests a baguette and butter. He finishes, is killed and the cannibals begin skinning him for a canoe.

The Italian-American requests a fork. Puzzled the cannibals hand him a fork. He then proceeds to stab himself all over while shouting "I got your canoe right here!"

[Toliver]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'