Round Four: Limericks

[Fat Guy]

Let the limericks begin . . .

[Anna N]

There once was a clam from Nantucket

Who found himself caught in a bucket

No one finger salute

For this bivale so cute

So he hauled off and just said "OH SHUCK IT".

Somebody had to start! Anna N

[GordonCooks]

He said Bobby Flay was his hero

Even his pie crust contained habanero

It was his dream, not a hobby

To cook just like Bobby

Too bad it was more like DeNiro

[donk79]

There once was a man from Sarasota

and boy did he like his soda.

And so as the weather got hotta and hotta,

He went for the Fanta Shokata!!!

[kitwilliams]

Original, I assume. While I'm thinking of one, here is a personal favorite. And it's about Pie! Well, actually, Pi....

A favorite project of mine,

A new value of Pi to assign.

I would set it at three

For it's simpler, you see,

Than three-point-one-four-one-five-nine.

okay, here's my first attempt:

An eGulleteer named Craig Camp,

Went foraging for some fresh ramp.

He boiled them with milk,

Mashed his spuds smooth as silk

And produced a terrific Ramp Champ.

I'm still waxing poetic ( ) about ramps and Craig, yours was the only egullet that came to mind that rhymed. Hope you don't mind. And, of course, we all know that ramp (with no "s") is also the plural.

[btw]

re the limerick comp. I wrote this for CBC radio in Canada a number of years ago. here goes ~

there once was a hog who did snuffle

under leaves and twigs did he ruffle

with his nose did he poak

underneath a dead oak

and unearthed a most glorious truffle

enjoy Bruce

[Xanthippe]

A young lad named Armisted Auger,

Favored copious foam on his lager.

To the barmaid he said,

“Give me plenty of head.”

Whereupon she karated his schwagger.

And, if I'm allowed another try:

Young Fred, who lived west of L.A.,

Tried to beef up his bratwurst last May.

Adding peppers and spice,

He ground everything twice --

Now he takes a Viagra each day.

[T. Brooks]

For a Gala, soiree, or a fete,

It's imperative to serve a rillette,

For the money I'm paying,

I'd be quoted as saying,

"Put twelve in my stomach or jet"

[zilla369]

Okay....here goes nothin'

A knockout new restaurant reviewer

Her tastebuds and visage both pure

Was about in the town, and while making her rounds

The heart of each chef she did skewer.

A waiter ran into the walk-in

And said “Chef, there’s no more time for talkin’!

That reviewer is here, and she’s ordered a beer,

And the whole wait-staff’s out there just gawkin’!”

The Chef made his way to her table

(Her melons were covered with sable!)

He said “Madame critic, please have some Glenfiddich,

And I’ll make the best meal that I’m able!”

He sent out asparagus flan

And a stunning free-range coq au vin

He plied her with cider, and sat down beside her

Presenting warm, crisp tarte tatin.

She exclaimed, “What a wonderful dish!”

And the Chef, so emboldened by this,

Was so floored by her charms, he took her in his arms,

And leaned in to pilfer a kiss.

He’d prepared himself for a slap,

But instead – felt a hand in his lap!

What a glorious night! And with no end in sight,

He dismissed his whole staff with a snap.

He remarked on her miniscule waist

And worshiped her radiant face;

So fetching was she, he fell to one knee

And proposed that they be wed post-haste.

She slurred “Chef, I am flattered and all,

And though I’m convinced you’re a doll,

Many thanks for the thought, but alas I cannot -

I’m afraid your cucumber’s too small!”

[Fresser]

I told this one to my surgeon before undergoing knee surgery:

There once was a gentlemanly fella

Who suffered from an aching patella.

Though a cortisone shot

Hit his pain in the spot

An arthroscopy made it all better!

He laughed, then he put a mask on my face.

Next...

A matron with an enormous proboscis

Called her doctor to seek his prognosis.

"I would urge rhinoplasty,"

Said the doctor, "And not lastly,

Listerine to cure your halitosis!"

Thank You! I'll be here all week!

[relatuit]

Oh well, looks like someone's already taken the cucumber vein, but here goes...

"It's too soft", garde manger quipped demurely

"No, too short", whispered she, nodding surely

"Should be firm, nice and long,

crispy sweet, smooth and strong!

Not for my salad, cucumbers too early!"

an attempt.

[acmegumbo]

Zoo 'Que

A man from the South missed 'que

so much that he went to the zoo

He caught a giraffe

and cut it in half

and smoked it in lots of goo.

It did not provide satisfaction,

tho blessed with ample olifaction

Despite slow cooking in goo,

it had considerable chew;

too much to provide groovin' action.

Tho his appetite was almost indomitable,

he found the zoo 'que abominable.

He wondered aloud

if he'd been too proud

to do that which was honorable.

He said, "What the heck!

I'll butcher the neck."

He cut it in two,

and made a ragu

and served it out on his deck.

[Gifted Gourmet]

Beurre manié behaves much like a roux,

Flour and butter in soup, sauce, and stew.

You whisk like the dickens

To add it; it thickens

The stew (and your arteries, too).

-- Carl Lands

source for this limerick

When I came across this site just now, I found some truly delightful and clever limericks ... has anyone got a food limerick to share?

more eGullet limericks here ...

[scordelia]

There once was a girl from Nantucket

She put all her clams in a bucket

She put up a pot to boil

But could not find butter nor foil

So she threw them back and said "Fuck it!"

or

There once was an alderman named Moore

Who sought to a way to enlarge his score

It need not be a large coup

Any cause celebre will do

He teamed with PETA, foie gras no more!

Edited June 19, 2006 by scordelia (log)

[Simon_S]

Not an original, but I've always enjoyed it:

There once was a lass from Kilbride

Who ate so many apples she died.

The apples fermented

Inside the lamented

And made cider inside her inside.

Si

[tino27]

There once was a gourmand named Renee,

who simply adored his aspics and gelees.

Out of curiosity one night,

the kitchen staff he did sight

Making Jello salad with week-old fume.

[moosnsqrl]

Our cats demand petting, those two

So we've nicknamed them Kobe and Wagyu

When they're fattened and tender

We think they will render

A gourmet, upscale feline stew

Sorry. Needless to say, I'm kidding. Please address complaints to Fat Guy - he started it

Edited to make sense.

Edited July 11, 2006 by moosnsqrl (log)

[moosnsqrl]

OK, how 'bout this.

There once was a Chef named Bourdain

Whose age in the kitchen caused pain

So he took to writing

Folks found it exciting

and now royalties fall down like rain.

[kitwilliams]

My favorite sweet, the Dacquoise,

Gives the epicure reason for puoise*.

Be it lemon or coffee,

Sides coated with toffee,

It leaves connoisseurs ooh-ing their uoise*.

(* yeah, it's a stretch, unless you have Buoiston accent!)

[Pan]

There once was a man from New York

Who could use neither spoons nor a fork

When they brought him some soup

You could see his head droop

'Cause he felt like a miserable dork.

[maggiethecat]

An addiction that scrambles your brain--

Keeps you busy on airplane or train

The Limerick's a curse

But it could be much worse

You might need a drink in Bahrain.

[FoodMuse]

There once was a girl who craved steak

In fact, it was all she would take

She wouldn’t eat greens

And she sneered at string beans

Until she ate one by mistake

Strangely enough, I’m having fresh green beans from the farmers market and grilled steak for dinner.

[moosnsqrl]

A writer whose surname is Ruhlman

Thought going to CIA would be cool, man

But his trip to Hyde Park

Would prove more than a lark

And now he's a food-writing fool, man.

OK, I'm not proud of it but seemed like Michael deserved equal time

[lancastermike]

Feeling of fine fettle,

Susan Fahning fires the kettle,

Sausage, turkey, bacon or butt,

She knows keeping that lid shut,

Brings results that deserve a gold medal

Edited July 13, 2006 by lancastermike (log)

[lancastermike]

Into the wilderness Marlene went,

You're kidding, sleep in a tent,

A princess at night,

wants not bugs that bite,

And breakfast in bed to be sent