Food Humor

[Gail Hughes]

Hi, Everyone, I'm new to eGullet.  Have been perusing the posts and am lovink it!  Gonna have fun here.

Here's my offering:

A woman was in the supermarket meat aisle, searching for a turkey big enough to feed her large family, and having no luck.

She asked a nearby stockboy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stockboy replied, "No, ma'am.  They're dead."

[Jinmyo]

Kind of a food joke as it happens at the breakfast table.

Man says, "I was sitting at the breakfast table and tried to ask her to pass the salt for my eggs. But I made a Freudian slip and instead of 'Pass the salt', I said, 'You've ruined my life, you miserable f@rking b^t#h.'"

Kind of a joke. ;)

[Pan]

Courtesy of the rec.humor.funny newsgroup (but from memory), a joke from Communist Poland.

A man is on line, waiting to purchase meat. Three hours pass. Finally, the police tell the crowd to break up and go on home, there's no more meat. The man, at the end of his wits, starts yelling:

"This is outrageous and INTOLERABLE! I work hard every day! I am a loyal Communist! I am a decorated veteran of the Patriotic War! And what do I get for it? I can't even get some meat to feed my family! What kind of nonsense is this?"

A plainclothes security man interrupts him, putting his finger to his lips:

"Quiet, Comrade! If you had said these things five year ago..."

And he forms his right hand into the shape of a gun, cocking his thumb as if to shoot.

Dejectedly, the family man goes home. Upon entering, his wife greets him:

"What happened, Honey? They ran out of meat?"

"No! It's worse than that! They've run out of BULLETS!!!"

(Edited by Pan at 3:51 am on Dec. 18, 2001)

[FistFullaRoux]

Long dead topic, but I thought I'd renew it, as I read a good one today in one of my neice's joke books.

Two sausages are simmering in a pan. One looks at the other and says "Getting pretty warm in here, isn't it?"

The second sausage blurts out, "Holy crap!! A talking sausage!!!"

Edited for tipeoz

Edited January 15, 2006 by FistFullaRoux (log)

[FistFullaRoux]

And one more:

An elderly couple woke up on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversay and headed for the kitchen for breakfast. As they were sitting down, the wife says, "Remember when we were first married, and we would eat breakfast in the nude? I want to do that once again for old time's sake."

The husbands shrugged his shoulders and says, "We've got the house to ourselves, why not?"

So they get undressed and start breakfast. The husband has his nose buried in the newspaper as usual, so the wife leans forward on her elbows and says" You know, after all these years, you still make my nipples tingle."

The husband peers over the sports section and says, "That's not me, darlin. You've got one in your cereal, and the other in your coffee cup."

Edited January 15, 2006 by FistFullaRoux (log)

[doctortim]

A guy is on a business trip abroad, and one night he decides to visit the local pub for a drink. When he walks in, he looks around and the first thing he notices are two pieces of meat stuck to the ceiling. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Hey, what's the deal with that meat stuck to the ceiling?".

"Ah, that", the bartender replies. "That's a little competition we've got running here at the pub. If you can get them off the roof without touching them, I'll give you $200. But, if you try to get them off and you fail, then you've gotta give me $200. You wanna give it a shot?"

The man thinks about it for a while, and ends up deciding not to do it. "Oh, come on, two hundred dollars!" says the bartender, "$200 just to get two measly pieces of meat off the ceiling!" The man thinks it over some more, unable to make up his mind. After a while he finally decides, and says to the bartender, "Look, I just can't do it. It's tempting, but the steaks are too high".

[akebono]

chinese guy and his wife are in bed...

husband says:

'i want sixty-nine'

wife says:

'why you want beef with broccoli now?"

................................................................

my wife said to me

'i want to go on vacation to some place

i've never been.'

so i said

'try the kitchen.'

ba-dum-dum

[mizducky]

This guy is hiking across the Australian outback and manages to get himself totally lost. After a few days of wandering aimlessly in the wilderness, he finally stumbles upon this tiny little village--in fact, it seems to consist of only a single house. The sign says the town's name is Mercy.

He staggers up to the door of the lone house and bangs on it. The owner comes to the door, sees the hiker is in a bad way, and quickly invites him inside.

"I know just what you need to fix you up," says the householder. "You need a nice big cup of our town's famous Koala Bear tea."

The householder disappears into his kitchen and busies himself, and soon emerges with a "cup" that's more like a big bowl, full of a steaming broth.

The hiker is so famished that he doesn't think twice, just takes the bowl and starts drinking. It really is delicious--more of a soup than a tea--and soon he's drained the bowl to the dregs. Then he looks at those dregs: bones, guts, fur ... there was in fact an entire koala in this tea.

He blurts out "Man, you could have at least taken all this rubbish out first!"

The householder, offended, pulls himself up and says: "Oh! But sir! ..."

(wait for it ... )

"... the Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained!"

(Ow! Quit looking at me in that tone of voice! )

[Octaveman]

A man sits down at the bar orders his drink and notices a drop dead gorgeous woman with a very voluptuous body at the other end giving him some inviting looks. He sips his drink and sees her coming over and sits down right next to him. She leans over against him and wispers in his ear "I'll do anything you want...anything...for $50". He looks at her, orders another drink and says to her "anything?". She says "yes...anything, but you have to tell me what you want in three words or less". The man says, "three words?". The woman says "or less". He sits there for a few moments contimplating what to do and he says, "okay...paint my house".

[suzilightning]

here's one mother-in-law #3 told at christmas need i say she is blonde:

Blonde Construction Worker

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna" again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."

[jackal10]

These are too well known to provide the answers:

How do elephant hide in bowls of custard?

How do you know if you've elephants in the fridge?

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

[Octaveman]

OMG, this is killing me...How? How? Why?

[culinary bear]

1) They paint themselves yellow.

2) There are footprints in the butter.

3) So they can hide in cherry trees.

[mizducky]

1) They paint themselves yellow.

2) There are footprints in the butter.

3) So they can hide in cherry trees.

←

Then there's the follow-on joke: Why do the natives stay out of the forest from noon to 2:00pm?

...

Because that's when the elephants jump out of the cherry trees.

Thanks, folks, I'm here all week, remember to tip your waitresses ...

[Marmish]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can pee soup.

[mikeycook]

Two jokes told to me by the SkyCap rep at JFK on our return from Honolulu this morning.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground beef.

Q: What do you call a cow with three legs?

A: Lean beef.

[I_call_the_duck]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can pee soup.

←

Along those lines...

A man goes to a diner.

Waiter asks, "what'll you have?"

Man replies, "chicken soup, please."

Waiter shouts, “one chicken soup!”

Man then says, “I changed my mind. I’d like pea soup instead.”

Waiter says, “hold the chicken, and make it pea!”

[McDuff]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on a grill?

Frank

[jackal10]

Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?

- Backstroke Sir!

- Don't shout they will all want one, SIr!

- That is the second Amuse Sir!

- etc etc

http://www.indianchild.com/waiter_jokes.htm

[Sugarella]

What do having sex in a canoe and American beer have in common?

` They're both f*cking close to water.

*******************

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot stuffed up his nose and mushrooms sticking out of each of his ears. Doctor goes: Well, I can see you're not eating right."

(.... groan)

*******************

Little Girl: "Daddy, why are eggs called eggs?"

Dad: "Because that's the sound a chicken makes when it lays one......... "Eeeeeeeeeegggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

*******************

Bill inherits a parrot from his late uncle, who unfortunately only ever taught the bird bad words. The next evening while hosting a dinner party, the parrot suddenly starts verbally assaulting the guests with all manner of profanity and Bill is forced to remove him to the kitchen for a good talking to. Bill tries to reason with the parrot, who just keeps cursing louder and louder, yelling "F*ck you, F*ck you!!", upsetting all of the guests.

Bill throws the parrot into a cupboard, but the parrot only replies even louder "F*ck you, F*ck you!!" and starts banging on the cupboard door and breaking the dishes inside.

Bill decides to throw the parrot out the kitchen door, and again it starts screaming "F*ck you, F*ck you!!" and starts throwing trashcans around the yard. A neighbour rushes over to Bill and yells at him to shut the bird up immediately, and if he doesn't he'll call the police.

Not wanting a police presence ruining his dinner party, Bill grabs the bird and brings him back into the kitchen. "F*ck you, F*ck you!!" the bird continues, and Bill, embarrassed and desperately looking around the room for something soundproof, spots the freezer, unceremoniously throws the parrot in, and slams the door.

"There!", Bill says, "Nobody can hear you in there and you're not coming out until you behave yourself!"

Bill waits a few minutes, then opens the door and peers inside. The parrot, wide eyed and meek, quietly exclaims that he's sorry.

"Now are you going to behave yourself?' Bill asks.

"Yes, I promise. I'm sorry."

"Good, then you can come back in the dining room and join the rest of us."

"Thank you Bill. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY EVERYBODY!" And the bird starts to tear up and choke on his words.

Bill puts his arm out for the parrot to perch on, the parrot slowly climbs out of the freezer and onto his arm.

"Bill?', the parrot queries.

"Yes?", Bil asks.

The parrot slowly raises his wing and points into the freezer at the footless, featherless, decapitated frozen turkey carcass.

"What'd HE do!?"

[Pallee]

A duck walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a peanut butter sandwich. The bartender said "We don't have peanut butter sandwiches here, get out."

The next day the duck walked back into the bar and asked again for a peanut butter sandwich. The bartender said "Get out, duck, we don't serve peanut butter sandwiches!"

The next day tha duck walks back into the bar and asks for a peanut butter sandwich. The bartender says "I told you, duck, we don't have peanut butter sandwiches. You come in here again and ask for one, I'm gunna nail your feet to the floor!"

Next day, the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks at the duck and tells him "No, we don't have any nails." So the duck says "Well then, do you have any peanut butter sandwiches?"

[rjm1604]

What's the difference between oysters and snot?

Kids won't eat oysters.

[Toasted]

A man walks into the local diner and orders the daily special, which is chili. The guy behind the counter tells him that he just sold the last bowl to the man at the end of the counter. The man really wants chili so he walks over to the guy with the chili and says "if you give me your chili I'll buy you anything on the menu". The guy nods yes and pushes the bowl of chili over. The man sits down and proceeds to eat until he gets to the bottom of the bowl and finds a dead mouse. And then he vomits into the bowl. The guy who gave him the chili notices and says, "yup, same thing happened to me".

[Tepee]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!

When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start

kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me

lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and

pours it on her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white

wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things

really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in

her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie

throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE

hell DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

[sazji]

A traveling salesman is driving through the country and suddenly notices that there is a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He's going about 25 mph, and decides to see just how fast this chicken can go. So he ups to 35, and the chicken keeps right up, then he goes to 45, still there...he's about to try 50 when the chicken passes him, roadrunner-style, and goes into the drive to a farmhouse. He decides he needs to find out about this chicken, so he goes up to the farmhouse and knocks. The farmer opens the door, and says, "What c'n I do fer ya, sir?"

"I noticed this three-legged chicken and wondered if you could tell me about it." The farmer said "Why sure! Y'see, there's me, an' there's my wife, an' there's my son, and we all like drumsticks. But one chicken's not enough, and two's too much, so we bred these here three-legged chickens so we'd all git one!"

The guy asks, "and how do they taste?j"

"Don' know," says the farmer, "We ain't caught one yet!"

==================

Same guy's going through the country, and finds a farmer, groaning under the weight of an enormous pig, which he's holding up into an apple tree. The pig's happily eating apples off the tree. The guy stops, and says, "What are you doing?"

--Feedin' m' paig!" says the farmer.

- Why don't you just pick the apples and let him eat them off the ground?

--Oh, he don't like 'em that way, he likes 'em this way!

- But doesn't that take a lot of time?

--What's time t' a paig?

===================

Salesman driving through the country, and sees a pig, standing in a field, with a wooden leg. Touched that someone would care that much about a farm animal, he decided he wanted to meet the farmer. He knocked on the door, and when the farmer came to the door, he told him why he was there, and wondered about the pig.

"Wail," said the farmer, "that's one mighty special paig! Y'see, last year, our daughter fell in th'creek there, and she don't know how t' swim, and if that paig hadn't jumped in there an' pulled 'er out, she wouldn't be with us t'day! An' we're so grateful, we're only eatin' 'im one piece at a time!"