Food Jokes!

[RonThePirate]

We've all heard a good food joke, and I think it'd be nice if we got a topic going with a bunch of jokes regarding food. Here are my two favorite:

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!"

"What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

--

A batch of muffins are in the oven. One muffin says, "Hot enough for you?"

Another muffin says, "Oh my god, a talking muffin!"

[fifi]

Patron: Waiter, what is a fly doing in my soup?

Waiter: The backstroke?

[Cymbel crash]

OK, it is an oldy but a goody.

[elrap]

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

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Variation of the above, just a tinge off color:

A waiter brings his customer some hot soup. The customer notices the waiter has his thumb immersed in the bowl, and complains.

"I have a little arthritis," the waiter explains. "I need to keep it warm."

"Then why don't you stick it up your a**?" the customer growls.

"Oh," says the waiter. "I do that when I'm in the kitchen."

[helenjp]

The only food jokes I can remember are either totally sick or impure.

No, wait...

There's an izakaya that used to be near the station, closed down years ago, but it was always a popular place for men on their way home to drop in for a drink and a snack. It was cheap, but the beer was cold and the food was hot, except in summer when it was the other way round. One day late in the summer, a couple of friends were enjoying a beer and a few edamame, just idling the time away, until suddenly they realized it was getting late. Hey, says one of them, bring me a bowl of miso soup with clams, will ya? The other guy wasn't so sure this was the place to order shellfish, but the first guy just grinned - there are never too many clams in the soup at a cheap izakaya! Sure enough, when the bowl arrived, there was nothing to be seen in it but soup. The guy slurped away happily, but his friend kept hanging over the bowl, peering into the cloudy soup...and sure enough, there they were! Two clams! And out of their shells, too, probably yesterday's left-overs shucked and re-used.

"Don't drink it!" he yelled, "It's more than your life is worth!" But his friend continued his contented slurping, and finally put down the bowl with a contented sigh.

"The clams,...you didn't...?" he asked, but his friend just shrugged. "Clams? There were no clams - those were just your eyeballs reflected in the soup, stupid."

[Carrot Top]

Very nice thread...thank you!

There is another one, named 'Humour' ,for additional inspiration, over in the India forum....

[Susan in FL]

Ron, your nickname caught my attention... Did you know that September 19th is this year's Talk Like a Pirate Day?

Good topic... I'll be on the lookout for food jokes.

[RonThePirate]

Did you know that September 19th is this year's Talk Like a Pirate Day?

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That's going to be the most annoying day for all those around me. HAR HAR HAR!

[andiesenji]

True

Several days ago I was having lunch at a very nice local restaurant.

Near the service counter two servers were discussing their upcoming weekend dates.

A man at the next table placed his order and when it was brought to him and placed in front of him the server asked, "Could I get you anything else to go with your lunch?"

Surveying the table, bare except for his plate and glass of water, he replied, "A knife and fork would be nice and perhaps a napkin, it it wouldn't cut into your discussion time."

The server asked, "For a chicken-salad sandwich?"

"No." the man replied, "For the quiche with salad that I ordered, the chicken salad goes to that table (indicating another table) over there."

I left while he was still eating but I wondered if she got a tip. I had another server, I am a regular, and she noticed the exchange and mentioned that the server was the owner's daughter.

Otherwise she probably would no longer have a job.

[Squeat Mungry]

My very first post to eGullet, from an earlier joke thread:

A sandwich walks into a bar and takes a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food!"

Ugh. My first post to eGullet has to be the worst joke in the world!

Squeat

[eunny jang]

Are we allowed to tell bar jokes?

A man walks into a bar, plops himself down on a stool, and orders three shots of Jameson's. He lines them up, tells the bartender, "This shot's for me, this shot's for my brother in the Army overseas, and this shot's for my brother the missionary in Africa," and downs the shots one after another.

He does this every day for a few months. Then one day, he comes in and orders only two shots.

Worried, the bartender asks him, "Did something happen to one of your brothers?"

The man downs the shots, and then replies, "Oh, no. I quit drinking."

[eunny jang]

Oooops, and the always classic:

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender tells him rather forcefully to get the hell out.  Confused, the mushroom asks, "Why?! I'm a Fun Guy!"

A very well-bred family of fingerling potatoes had taken pride in their beautiful daughter all their lives.  One day, the girl came home and told her parents dreamily that the local news anchor, a rugged Idaho, had asked her to marry him.  Aghast, her parents protested, "But he's only a common'tater!"

Anyone want to go drinking with me? I know more bad puns, more innocuous bad jokes, more off-color bad jokes, and more downright disgusting bad jokes than anyone else in the world.

Edited September 10, 2004 by eunny jang (log)

[Knicke]

Another one-line groaner:

My best friend reached for the eardrops and picked up the vinegar instead. Now she's got pickled hearing.

[Cusina]

What did the grape say when it was run over? It gave out a little wine.

What did the big tomato say to the little tomato? Hey, quit being so slow, Ketchup!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

How do you make a strawberry shake? Take it to a scary movie.

Why did the chicken cross the park? To get to the other slide.

Ba dump bump...

Can you tell I live with a first grader? Oy.

Edited to say, um, duh, she is now a SECOND grader. Holy cow, how did that happen?

Edited September 10, 2004 by Cusina (log)

[elrap]

Another soup joke. I heard this as the archetypal Jewish joke:

A Jewish man walks into a delicatessen and, as always, orders a bowl of matzo ball soup. The waiter brings it and for several minutes the man just sits and looks at the bowl disconsolately. Eventually, he flags down the waiter.

"I can't eat this soup," the man says. "You try it."

"Why do you want me to try it?" asks the waiter. "I'll bring you another."

"No," says the man. "I want you to taste it."

"Why, is it too salty? Too cold, maybe?"

"Just try it," says the man.

"Listen, tell me what's wrong with it," says the waiter. "Is it maybe a little sour?"

"Please," insists the man. "Taste it yourself."

"Alright, alright" says the waiter, "for a good customer like you, I'll try the soup."

The waiter picks up the bowl and says, "OK, where's the spoon?"

"Aha!" the man exclaims.

[Marmish]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Har har.

[chezcherie]

It has occurred to me that this is a joke one can only tell, not type. But here goes:

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can pea soup.

ba dum bump.....

another second grade fav.

[fifi]

Another soup joke.  I heard this as the archetypal Jewish joke:

  A Jewish man walks into a delicatessen and, as always, orders a bowl of matzo ball soup.  The waiter brings it and for several minutes the man just sits and looks at the bowl disconsolately.  Eventually, he flags down the waiter. 

  "I can't eat this soup," the man says.  "You try it."

  "Why do you want me to try it?" asks the waiter.  "I'll bring you another."

  "No," says the man.  "I want you to taste it."

  "Why, is it too salty?  Too cold, maybe?"

  "Just try it," says the man.

  "Listen, tell me what's wrong with it," says the waiter.  "Is it maybe a little sour?"

  "Please," insists the man.  "Taste it yourself."

  "Alright, alright" says the waiter, "for a good customer like you, I'll try the soup."

    The waiter picks up the bowl and says, "OK, where's the spoon?"

  "Aha!" the man exclaims.

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God, I love this thread.

[Carrot Top]

I only remember two jokes. (Wierd, I know, but there have to be some joke-tellers and some laughers in this world...I am the second).

Here are the two I know: One is about a JAP and does have something to do with food, the second is about a WASP and has nothing to do with food.

That, is a sad joke right there.

---Q. What is a JAP's favorite wine?

A. "When are you going to take me to Bermuuuuuuuuuddddaaaa?"

---Q. How do you tell the bride in the photographs of a WASP wedding?

A. She's the one in all the pictures that's kissing the Golden Retriever.

[Arey]

Patron: Waiter, what is a fly doing in my soup?

Waiter: The backstroke?

Alternative punchline - Don't say it so loud or everyone else will want one.

[maggiethecat]

I walked into a bar looking for a single malt and some air conditioning. It was blessedly cool, there wasn't another customer in the place, the cocktail snackies were lined up beside me, the bartender was busy polishing glasses.

I pulled out my book, and heard a voice say: "Where did you get those shoes? They're great!" Then someone else chimed in "You've got terrific taste in literature." "Great legs!"

I figured I was losing it, because the bar was still empty and the barkeep still silent. Finally I asked him: "Am I crazy? I keep hearing voices."

"No ma'am. It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

[ronnie_suburban]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?  Nacho Cheese.

ROTFLMAO

=R=

[Tmnoland]

Compliments of Dave :

Top Ten Things Overheard at Martha Stewart's Thanksgiving Dinner

10. "Martha's carving the turkey with a shiv"

9. "The yams really accentuate your jumpsuit"

8. "Let's give thanks that we live in a country where vast wealth still has a good shot at keeping you out of prison"

7. "Federal agents -- come out -- you're surrounded"

6. "I didn't feel like doing much this year, so everything's from Roy Rogers"

5. "A meal like that is worth a dozen cartons of cigarettes"

4. "I don't know about justice, but you sure obstructed my diet tonight"

3. "I'm totally gonna bid on that couch at the government auction"

2. "Malt liquor -- it's a good thing"

1. "We should do this again in 4 to 6 years"

-t

[chefsteban]

Patron: Waiter, what is a fly doing in my soup?

Waiter: The backstroke?

[Cymbel crash]

OK, it is an oldy but a goody. 

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or.......Waiter: I'm sorry sir...did you want the fly on the side?