Dining Tables at Home

[therdogg]

We have an empty nest, but still do the same as when the kids were with us. We sit at the table to eat 99.9% of the time, and always with candle light, cloth napkins, etc. The exception is when we want to have dinner and a movie, or watch something in particular on TV, and the plan is to use the TV trays or our laps.

When the kids were with us, we always sat down for dinner together, even if after the ball games or practice, even if 10:00 PM, and the huge majority of the time I cooked from scratch, like I do now. It's not because of some deep conviction and strict adherence to rigid family values or allusions to religion. It's because we liked and still like that. My 25 year-old son still loves to remember and retell this.

I think TV draws those eating into separate, not communal experiences. When I think of the importance of holy communion to Christians, or of the Sabbath meal to Jews (I'm sure there are lots of similar examples from other traditions) I am reminded of how very central eating and its company and traditions are to our spirits. TV deprives those eating of the psychological, social, and spiritual benefits derived from a meal eaten together.

I think this is a heavy duty value judgement. In our home the TV is in view in the dining area, and is usually on. We often watch while we eat, and talk, and it does not deprive us of anything (it's an addition, not a deprivation) or draw us into noncommunal experience. We still connect. We still talk about things not related to the TV, or talk about what's on TV, or laugh at what's on TV. Usually it's Fox news or Jeopardy or a sports event when we're eating.

It seems fashionable to brag about not liking TV. If you don't like TV, that's fine. There is more bad TV than good TV, but still I get the feeling that some people get kicks from claiming they never watch it.

Oh no, not a value-judgment! Anything but that! Yes, I suppose I do actually believe that it is objectively a nicer, more social, and refined experience to have the TV off. I don't think I'm alone; look at the difference between dining establishments that have TVs and those that don't.

I don't utterly dislike TV, and I don't get "kicks" out of claiming I never watch- but I do think that having it off during dinner is nicer. If you said that you never eat crappy TV dinners because you think homemade is better, and everyone jumped all over your back because you get "kicks" out of not consuming processed crud and are gastronomically holier than thou, you'd be pretty annoyed, esp on a food board. Similarly, I really believe that there is some objectivity to the TV/no TV during family dinner issue, and I think many people (NOT saying this to your fam, just in general) don't even know how to carry on pleasant dinner conversation in its absence. For many families, dinner is the only time they spend together (and many families don't even make it that far, instead eating separately in between activities, sports etc).

I'm delighted that your family dines together and enjoys the time together, but the question begs to be asked: if TV is an addition, not a deprivation, shouldn't high-end restaurants start installing them?

[tommy]

but the question begs to be asked: if TV is an addition, not a deprivation, shouldn't high-end restaurants start installing them?

straw man.

[fifi]

if TV is an addition, not a deprivation, shouldn't high-end restaurants start installing them?

Well... I don't think dining at home is anything like a high end restaurant. It isn't "worse" or "better". It is just different. So, I can't make the restaurant analogy work.

When I said that my son and I dined with the TV off, that meant 95% of the time. If we wanted to catch a program that we had a particular interest in, usually a documentary, then we would have it on and commenting on what we were seeing really added to the conversation. The same was true with a really important news event. Neither one of us are sports fans but I can see that sports fans might make the same exception for events that are important to them.

[tommy]

Neither one of us are sports fans but I can see that sports fans might make the same exception for events that are important to them.

speaking from experience, i don't think i've ever eaten a chicken wing if the TV wasn't on. and i do love chicken wings.

[fresco]

I prefer no tv during meals, but my wife and I have been known to (by agreement) read through meals, which is more antisocial than tv by far. If it enhances the experience for people to watch tv while they eat, I say watch to your belly's content.

[hjshorter]

I prefer no tv during meals, but my wife and I have been known to (by agreement) read through meals, which is more antisocial than tv by far. If it enhances the experience for people to watch tv while they eat, I say watch to your belly's content.

I like to read during meals but only when I'm alone. Scott would always read at meals if I didn't remind him to put the book down occasionally. It's tough getting a book away from him though - he even reads in the shower.

I forgot to mention that when the kids eat in the kitchen they're sometimes allowed to watch the Wiggles, or Sesame Street, or whatever.

[maggiethecat]

We always start the meal with a toast in which each person is required to look the other in the eye while toasting.

I really love this idea.

We have a nice TV that sits upstairs in my, um, study. We don't have cable, and the TV can pull in one station at the best of times. We watch the Olympics and that's about it. If it were located elsewhere and actually worked I'm sure I would have seen at least one episode of "The Simpsons," "Emeril" or "Sex in the City." But I haven't; it's a monitor for our VCR.

We eat, every single night by candlelight (Er, no light fixture in the dining room.) Cloth napkins, check. Napkin rings, check. Good silver, check. My mother can see for miles and miles and miles!

I'd like music occasionally, but my husband considers music a religious experience, and "background" music is absolutely frobidden---one must sit in a pew in the living room in silence, listen and not move a muscle, except for moving a drink or a cigarette (Listening- to- Music- Sacraments) to one's lips.

When our daughter still lived at home, it was family dinner every night, with rare exceptions---one of our two rules of childrearing.

(The other rule should come as no surprise: Music lessons were mandatory until she went to college. )

[hjshorter]

Once the kids get a little older I'm looking forward to having movie night once a week, maybe on Sundays, with pizza. That would be a fine exception to the "no tv during dinner" rule.

edit: spelling broken today

Edited December 29, 2003 by hjshorter (log)

[Squeat Mungry]

I live alone in a tiny apartment, and have neither a dining nor a kitchen table. I cook most of my own meals, though, which are eaten either standing at the kitchen counter reading a book, seated in front of the computer on the floor, or seated in my rocking chair in front of the TV, with the meal perched on an ancient stepladder I use as an end table.

Growing up, we moved a lot, but we always had a dining room and a my Mom's good old maple dining table. We ate every at-home dinner there, preceded by "the blessing". We kids were required to report on our day, and participate in conversation on any topic our parents brought up. We were expected to ask to be excused and to bus our own place-settings. We participated in cooking and washing up. If my parents were going out, we got the rare treat of eating in front of the TV.

We were thoroughly versed in table manners and manners in general from an early age. People were constantly complimenting my mother on how well-behaved we were. My manners still receive praise (which, properly, embarasses me) -- thanks, Mom!

Cheers,

Squeat

[Kim WB]

3 teens and two working parents: ( kids: one at college, one in sports, one in theatre) We eat a meal as a family, sit down, dining room, serving bowls, jazz in the background...once a week, usually Sunday. Maybe twice a week, we eat in the kitchen, usually without my husband, sometimes with only one kid, a quick but homemade meal. Sometimes the kitchen TV is on, depends on if I feel like it or not. Sometimes I am in the mood for a Friends rerun, or if its my older son Connor, we watch TIVO'd Daily Shows with John Stewart. Talk about enhancing a meal...

someone referenced spiritualness..well, Jon Stewart is our God! The rest of the time, we're dining out or working late, and the kids have leftovers or sandwiches or chinese or pizza...in front of the tv, more likely their computer or video screens. We pretty much have a TV in every room in the house except the dining room and formal rooms..we're up to 4 computers, too. And Playstation. And xbox and xbox live and game cube and PS2 and whatever else has been invented. And guess what? Interesting, intelligent, curious, active, friendly kids. WEll, Connor is 16 and has zits. I keep telling him it's all the TV he watches!

Edited December 29, 2003 by Kim WB (log)

[Varmint]

Breakfasts are generally eaten on the barstools at the kitchen counter. The 4 L’il Varmints place their orders during the week (simple orders – e.g., grits with toast, cereal, yogurt, apple with peanut butter) and I’ll serve it to them. More complex orders (e.g., hash browns, waffles, eggs, pancakes, bacon, etc.) come on the weekends. Mrs. Varmint and I usually eat while standing, but occasionally, one of us takes the 5th stool.

Lunches are generally the same.

Dinners depend on the day of the week. I don’t get home from work until 7 PM most days, so Mrs. Varmint feeds the L’il ones at the counter. It’s usually simple fare, as Mrs. Varmint really has little cooking ability whatsoever nor does she want to improve it.

For “counter” meals, the children are not excused until they’re done with their meals. If dessert is to be served, no one gets it until everyone has finished the savory portion.

During the weekend, we usually sit at the dining room table and eat the meal that I cook. Television is never on (ok, we sat on the floor yesterday watching the Packers’ game, but it was the last game of the regular season).

We also use the dining room table if we have any guests, as the counter can’t accommodate anyone else.

[Marlene]

I like to read during meals but only when I'm alone. Scott would always read at meals if I didn't remind him to put the book down occasionally. It's tough getting a book away from him though - he even reads in the shower.

I have the same problem with my husband. I'm always after him to put the book/magazine down while we're eating. That's much more rude than watching TV!

[balex]

There are a few elements to the family meal. I would be interested to see how people rate them:

(in no particular order)

1. Everyone eating the same food

2. Everyone eating at the same time

3. Everybody seated around the same table

4. Everybody talking to each other

I am probably a bit weird here, but for me 1 and 2 are in a way the most important. We went together once to a seminary near Florence, and there the meals were in silence with someone reading an improving text. The children loved it! Eating in silence -- as long as it is a comfortable silence -- is really soothing and bonding.

[sparrowgrass]

I was talking to an home economics extension person about family meals a while ago. She said that most of the young low-income families she works with don't own a dining room table. The first piece of furniture they buy is the TV, then a bed, then a couch. A dining table is way down on the list, after the stereo, VCR, computer.

Eating together as a family is pretty much unknown.

[Marlene]

There are a few elements to the family meal. I would be interested to see how people rate them:

(in no particular order)

1. Everyone eating the same food

2. Everyone eating at the same time

3. Everybody seated around the same table

4. Everybody talking to each other

I am probably a bit weird here, but for me 1 and 2 are in a way the most important. We went together once to a seminary near Florence, and there the meals were in silence with someone reading an improving text. The children loved it! Eating in silence -- as long as it is a comfortable silence -- is really soothing and bonding.

1. Everyone eating the same food. Only in the last year did I have to stop making separate food for my son and the rest of us. Joy of joys, he's discovered steak and spices!

you can't really have 3 or 4 without 2.

[balex]

clarification: I mean everyone eating the same dishes at the same time -- e.g. you wait for everyone to finish their main courses before you have dessert.

[Marlene]

clarification: I mean everyone eating the same dishes at the same time -- e.g. you wait for everyone to finish their main courses before you have dessert.

Ah. Yes, we wait for everyone to finish the main course before we serve dessert. If my son finishes first, he may be excused from the table until we are ready for dessert. Usually this is at family dinners when people spend more time talking than eating

[Suzanne F]

I like to read during meals but only when I'm alone.  Scott would always read at meals if I didn't remind him to put the book down occasionally.  It's tough getting a book away from him though - he even reads in the shower. 

I have the same problem with my husband. I'm always after him to put the book/magazine down while we're eating. That's much more rude than watching TV!

Ah -- we have developed a system of asking each other if it is all right to read at the table (usually the newspaper, and usually at breakfast). Of course this only matters when we are eating together; alone, all bets are off (but so, still, is the TV ).

Since our family is and always has been only 2, balex's ranking doesn't really apply to us.

[Mayhaw Man]

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I think that the main deal to me is that, after a while anyway, it becomes second nature for everyone to sit down at the table and share a meal. If some people feel like talking more than others, or not at all, so be it. I personally look forward to it as the highpoint of my day (a close race in front of actually cooking the meal and the other big event of the day, the boys finally going to their rooms for the night and giving me a precious few moments with the lovely (and she really is, although it is hard to tell by my sig photo ) Mrs. Mayhaw).

The byproducts of this ritual, for most of the responders here anyway, seems to be a natural inclination towards decent table manners (which, I think, spill over into all parts of civil living) and an ability to recognize and discuss good food (or the lack of it, in some cases-as not all mothers can give Julia a run for her money ).

This thread has turned out to be very interesting.

[Pan]

(he is 14, 6'2"

He's 6'2" at 14?! Good grief. What do you feed that boy?

Okra-The pod of the Gods

The boy will eat anything, but he prefers sushi of all sorts and Mexican (real Mexican, he knows the difference as we were living there for a while) and soups of all kinds (particularly duck gumbo and Toscana Soup w/andouille instead of italian sweet sausage).

And if he's quick-footed and talented at basketball, maybe he'll become a point guard in the NBA and treat you to upscale dinners in time.

[AzRaeL]

at my house....

i live alone.

When i have guests over, we eat at my 4 seater dining table.

When i'm alone, i eat either in front of my computer (addict!)

or right next to my sink/gas hob (lazy!!!!)

TV? I don't even own a TV

I've banned TV in my house.