Worst meal at someone's home - Part 2

[sazji]

Much critical writing about art seems devoid of the simple pleasure of taking in a work.   They veer into the textual and theoretic, and away from sheer experience. ... I just note that some people seem immune to the experiential.

But, to bring it back to food, and this is where the visual cripples intersect with the awful cooks, the terrifying vegetarian hosts and the food maulers; some people seem to be out of touch with the experiential act of tasting food or looking at art.

What a perfect analogy; I think you've hit the nail right on the head. As a musician who was drawn to Turkey for the truly intense mood of its various traditional musics, I'm continually disapointed at how the emphasis in music teaching has increasingly been on theory and technique at the expense of actual expression. You have a whole generation of musicians (of course witih exceptions) who can run circles around any of the old masters technically, they can play 100 notes per square centimeter. But what do they play? The musical equivalent of a Thomas Kinkade painting.

Folk musicians who have no connection to the folk, folk dancers who've never gone to a village wedding, who've never spent a day in a village. -and cooks who grew up eating out of cans, or if there was actual cooking going on, eating simply to fill their stomachs.

In that sort of enviornment, every aspect of food can be touted - how much it costs, prestige of ingredients, exotic origins, unusual combinations - except the basic question, "is it enjoyable?" Another thing that has popped up in this "experiential vacuum" is "nostagia" in food. The mental image of Grandma cooking old favorites is more important than whether the food tasted anything like Grandma ever made. The terms "homemade," "home-style," "country style" come to mind. Sorry but in my part of the country, grandma didn't use 50 different chemical additives.

There's even "food populism." There's a place that everyone "knows" makes the "best profiterole in Istanbul." It's crap. Cheap cocoa in the sauce, no flavor, pasty. But people will swear up and down about how wonderful it is, eat two servings. It just shows they have no idea what good chocolate tastes like. It's more important to have eaten it there, than to think about whether it's really good or not.

So...a bit more pertinent to the thread - my housemate (who will never read this site thankfully) is known among his friends as a "gourmet" because he is really interested in new and unusual ingredients, trying new things. But in the same way...he really has no feel for what those ingredients do, what sort of effects they have on a dish's flavor, texture. He'll cook eggs with a bunch of interesting ingredients, then put so much salt in it that it's inedible, and be completely unaware of it. His favorite "salad" is red cabbage or celeriac swimming in a soupy mixture of yogurt, mayonnaise, way too much lemon juice and salt (there really is a salad like this and it's good but it's not soup; he has no idea of the proportions, and it doesn't matter). Recently he made celeriac in olive oil, one of my favorite dishes - and at the last minute decided that a heaping teaspoon of chai masala would be just the thing. I almost gagged. It puts me in a hard position because he always wants to share meals, but 90% of the time I can't eat what he makes. It's not about a dish being "so-so" or "a little off on the seasoning" -- I'm not a food snob. It's that lots of them are really vile. (Thankfully not as vile though as the creations of my old Peruvian housemate who made fish head soup, boiled it for 4 hours till it was actually black, then added a handful of wheat germ to make it more nutritious.)

That would bring us to the "mm isn't it wonderful" vegans eating a bowl of steamed vegetables and oat hulls with no salt or pepper or any other spicing and going on about how wonderful and naturally delicious it is, and the only reason you don't think so is that your tastes have been perverted by unhealthy food!

But let's not go there just now.

Edited December 19, 2008 by sazji (log)

[sazji]

When I was a prepubescent child my mom worked 2nd shift as an RN at the local hopstal.  Well that left the gastronomy to dear old dad.  Well I would have been in heaven to eat one of those frozen meals, but dad his own idea of "good" food... diced Spam heated (tepidly at best) in Hormel chili.  I gag at the thought of that meal and have to breath into a paper bag in the grocery store when I pass the Spam "selections."

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Wow, does that bring back fond memories - mom was in the hospital for 3 weeks, and it was a steady diet of scrambled eggs, boiled hotdogs, soup from a can and sandwiches. Actually we ate lots of things out of cans anyway, but mom did use them in combination, tried new things and there were meals from scratch too. My dad was very good at anything done on the grill though. He was also really good at ordering at McDonald's, and we were pretty happy with that. I think it was the idea of getting to drink ice cream with dinner that did it.

[Septemberdog61]

Back in my early 20's when I was seriously dating some guy and he invited me over his family's home for Thanksgiving dinner. I truly struggled with saying yes, because I had never been away from my house and my mom's delicious Thanksgiving meal. You know the meal: all the traditional recipes like grandma's sausage stuffing and a moist, juicy turkey that's been cooking for hours making the house smell sooooo good. I eventually and reluctantly gave in. He picks me up and we drive for 45 minutes all the while I'm thinking, this will be OK, I know it will be OK, not as good as mom's but OK.

We walk in the door and my nose is met with a wall of subway urine stench. I try to remain polite and quickly start drinking. Hoping things will improve with copious amounts of 7 & 7's I sit down at the dinner table adorned with paper plates, a tub of margarine and a loaf of wonder bread. I spy a box of stove top stuffing on the counter and a can of turkey gravy. Knowing I'm royally screwed, I play the dutiful gf and graciously smile. Out of the oven and onto the table comes the turkey as the bf's dad sharpens the knives. It was a Jennie-O turkey loaf. I'm not sure they even make this product any longer, but it was a perfectly round loaf of 1/2 dark meat and 1/2 white meat turkey chopped pressed and formed. It was inedible. And yes it was served with Stove top stuffing, Wonder bread, canned gravy and a can of string beans.

I was raised to know my place, be polite and respectful so I ate what I could and said thank you. I couldn't wait to get home for leftovers.

As for the bf, we broke up a month later. He didn't like dogs, dancing and trying new foods. All 3 are deal breakers.

[sazji]

As for the bf, we broke up a month later.  He didn't like dogs, dancing and trying new foods.  All 3 are deal breakers.

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Ha, I bet you don't even get past "go" with one like that now!

[Tiger Black]

Oh yeah, and he doesn't cook with salt, because it's "bad for you." They don't even keep it in the house.

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I have a serious pet peeve about this. Damned near everything needs salt! If you want less sodium in your diet, stop eating over processed foods. Don't take it out on an innocent spice that only wants to help you in all your kitchen endeavors!

[dockhl]

Acck. My ex-husband used to do this to me. he thought he was a great cook, and would make me an omelet with no salt in a dry frying pan............healthy, he would say, in a a sanctimonious tone................bleh.

One more reason for ex...............

[Dave Hatfield]

We once went to our friends & neighbors for dinner knowing that they were not cooks, but not wanting to refuse as they were trying to reciprocate for the many times we had fed them.

She served Duck a la Orange made with real marmalade.

It was then put on the counter where unbeknown to them their cats had a nibble.

We politely declined seconds.

[Hard H2O]

subway urine stench.

paper plates, a tub of margarine and a loaf of wonder bread. 

a box of stove top stuffing

a can of turkey gravy. 

It was a Jennie-O turkey loaf.

a can of string beans.

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On the Holidays and when entertaining we put our best out for our family and friends. If this was their best imagine what a usual meal at that place is like.

Then imagine what a lifetime of marriage to someone used to this would be like. Imagine the number of Holidays, birthdays, cookouts...

Run, Run like the wind...

[Tiger Black]

Ah, I have a new one from a couple of weeks ago. Invitation said, " come over for chicken parm, bring a veggie side dish." These are your typical meat and potatoes couple who love Cracker Barrel, so I just did sauteed veggies with lemon and garlic and olive oil. The whole drive over I was nervous that my dish was pedestrian and dumb.

We had over boiled spaghetti with what I think were boiled chicken breasts. Waaaay overdone. And then there was a slice of Carl Buddig ham on each chicken piece, which was weird and cold. Then a slice of that white colored american cheese, and then jarred sauce poured over the top.

They're odd people.

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I just died.

[Tri2Cook]

Wow. Didn't know about this thread. Way too long to read all of it in one go but what I did read so far is pretty impressive.

My contribution to this one is the memory of two dishes from my youth that will haunt me forever.

Tuna ring: some sort of tuna mixture rolled in a dough made from bisquick, formed in a ring and baked then served with some kind of cheese sauce and...

...the worst of the two by far, shortcut tuna noodle casserole: you're basic tuna noodle casserole but, in the interest of saving time for the busy cook I suppose, instead of wasting all of that time cooking noodles the recipe instructed one to "layer the tuna mixture in a casserole dish with layers of crushed potato chips". Disgusting mega-salty glop.

My stepmom was/is actually a good cook but for some reason she latched on to those two recipes from somewhere and they would show up now and then in the meal rotation. Unfortunately.

[Ellen Shapiro]

I have a few...

- As a child I once went to the house of a classmate (whose parents were very wealthy). Her mother made us sandwiches for lunch. They contained: corn chips, an insane amount ketchup, cheese and raisins. I wanted to die.

- My parents went to a dinner where the host served platters of sandwiches that were leftover from a work lunchtime function.

- A dessert consisting of pop-tarts with whipped cream on top.

- Finally, potato salad that had still-frozen potatoes in it, and a nice garnishing of frost.

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The thing that is so great about your post is that each horrid experience builds on the last--until I'm howling with laughter and horror at these meals. I can't decide if the pop-tarts with whipped cream, the ketchup and raisin sandwiches, the left over sandwiches from work or the frozen potatoes with frost would win the prize!

[markk]

I have probably posted this story before, but just in case I haven't, I think it's a good horror story.

We were invited to "dinner" by some acquaintances who wanted to thank us for a favor we had done them.

When we got there, the wife told us that they had just gotten back from a neighbor's impromptu all-day cookout, and were stuffed! We were hungry (it was the dinner hour), so we very nicely said "that's okay - we really need to get going because we have to pick up something to eat and make it an early night", and the wife said, "No, please stay - I'll order pizza. Is pizza okay?"

I replied, "Actually, I hate pizza (which I really do) and I never eat it, but it's really okay. We'll get together with you some other time."

Well, after much begging, we agreed to stay.

They sent out for one plain pizza, and when it came, the wife tossed it on the table with some paper plates, and yelled out to her husband and two young daughters "Pizza's here."

They all came down and took their places at the table. The husband, sitting at the head of the table, took two slices (so much, I guess, for the "we're stuffed!) - but he's always been a person to watch out for himself before anybody else, including guests. Then the 6 year old girl took 2 slices (having learned from her dad - I gather that they hoard food when they see it in that house), and then the 10 year old girl took 2 slices and promptly disappeared into the kitchen. By the time the pizza box came around to our side, the wife announced (with some surprise, actually), "well, there seem to be 2 slices and three of us. How shall we do this?" Then she looked at the youngest girl who had 2 uneaten slices on her plate and said "give us one of those slices" and the girl replied "I put too much garlic salt on them to eat", and when we looked closer, we saw that each slice had nearly a solid quarter of an inch of garlic salt on it. She couldn't eat it, but she was damn sure to mark her territory. Then mom called out to the older daughter in the kitchen "what are you doing?" when the noise of the garbage disposal, and then the sink, stopped, and she came back into the dining room with two wet slices of dough - and she explained "Mother, you know I hate pizza! I scraped off the cheese and put it down the disposal and then washed off the sauce under the sink."

At which point, we said that we really did have to leave.

Sadly, this was not the worst dining experience we ever had at this particular family's house. But the others are too long to tell.

[Jon Savage]

... - and she explained "Mother, you know I hate pizza!  I scraped off the cheese and put it down the disposal and then washed off the sauce under the sink."

At which point, we said that we really did have to leave.

Sadly, this was not the worst dining experience we ever had at this particular family's house.  But the others are too long to tell.

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Oh but you must tell. This one seems hard to top.

[prasantrin]

... - and she explained "Mother, you know I hate pizza!  I scraped off the cheese and put it down the disposal and then washed off the sauce under the sink."

At which point, we said that we really did have to leave.

Sadly, this was not the worst dining experience we ever had at this particular family's house.  But the others are too long to tell.

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Oh but you must tell. This one seems hard to top.

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My sentiments exactly! If there are more, they must be absolutely fabulous, and they most definitely belong in print for the world to see!

[divalasvegas]

Wow. Didn't know about this thread. Way too long to read all of it in one go but what I did read so far is pretty impressive.

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A long and impressive read indeed Tri2Cook. But I must insist that you and everyone else here who hasn't had a chance to peruse this entire thread--one of the absolute best on eG--refer to Katherine's very brilliantly written and graphic depiction, posted in August 2003, of some of the most horrific meals imaginable CLICKY.

Be afraid, be VERY afraid.

[BarbaraY]

Wow. Didn't know about this thread. Way too long to read all of it in one go but what I did read so far is pretty impressive.

My contribution to this one is the memory of two dishes from my youth that will haunt me forever.

Tuna ring: some sort of tuna mixture rolled in a dough made from bisquick, formed in a ring and baked then served with some kind of cheese sauce and...

...the worst of the two by far, shortcut tuna noodle casserole: you're basic tuna noodle casserole but, in the interest of saving time for the busy cook I suppose, instead of wasting all of that time cooking noodles the recipe instructed one to "layer the tuna mixture in a casserole dish with layers of crushed potato chips". Disgusting mega-salty glop.

My stepmom was/is actually a good cook but for some reason she latched on to those two recipes from somewhere and they would show up now and then in the meal rotation. Unfortunately.

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Looks like your stepmom learned to cook in the 50s.

[Beebs]

Sadly, this was not the worst dining experience we ever had at this particular family's house.  But the others are too long to tell.

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You've got more worse ones?!? Don't keep us in suspense - tell us more!!

[Special K]

Have I mentioned the mud hens Dad shot and Mom dutifully cooked? The horrible sulphur taste was bad enough, but the pieces of lead shot she missed were really something! Dad was so proud of himself when we sat down to dinner that nobody had the heart to tell him the ducks were inedible. We rarely all sat at the "company" table for family meals, so this was a big deal (thank goodness there was no company!). We all tried to hide the meat under the potatoes . . . even Dad, I think. Come to think of it, he switched from hunting to wildlife photography shortly thereafter.

But he had to have his spice round every Christmas. Apologies to those of you (probably Tennesseeans) who love it, but we couldn't stand it (couldn't figure out what the heck it was!), and every year he ordered a huge one. Maybe the problem was the way he prepared it; I don't know. Again, not wanting to hurt his feelings, we choked as much of it down as we could.

Poor Dad. Whenever he got the chance to cook he'd always go for something weird, or burn something normal to a crisp. But it was always offered with such love and pride!

I miss him.

[racheld]

What's a spice round? My first thought was fruitcake---round and spiced and all that clotty fruit. But that's EVERYWHERE.

I'm from CLOSE to Tennessee and I don't know what that is.

[PopsicleToze]

Our Christmas dinner sure qualifies, unfortunately. I usually do all of the cooking for family events. This year was at Mom's and she and one of my cousins planned the menu and decided that they didn’t want me to “have” to do the “work” this year (they will never understand that it is not work – but fun). Anyway, they were trying to be nice. This girl lives in Manhattan and her idea of cooking is choosing a restaurant. She’s a great girl, but why oh why did she want to plan the menu?!?

The 2 entrées – fried turkey and ham – sound fine. The reality of the situation was that the turkey was burnt and crisp on the outside, but the portion I was served included part of a bloody leg. The person bringing the ham bought one of the supermarket spiral-sliced hams. She carried it in the door still in the plastic grocery bag with the ham still in the cryovac packaging. The cooking method – slice open the plastic and serve cold. It doesn’t get much better after that. Instead of my mom’s great cornbread dressing, my sister made it. She hates to cook but thinks she can. Her latest culinary insight is that people eat too much salt, so she omits it when cooking saying the eater can always add it later. I cringed when I heard the plop of that dressing hitting my plate. The sides were forgettable. The only dessert I remember was the pecan pie, and that was so soupy that it had to be eaten in a bowl with a spoon. We improvised and served it over ice cream.

We had a great visit, however, but I was sure drooling looking at all of your great Christmas dinners.

[Special K]

What's a spice round?  My first thought was fruitcake---round and spiced and all that clotty fruit.  But that's EVERYWHERE.

I'm from CLOSE to Tennessee and I don't know what that is.

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AKA Rinderbraten (sp?) It's a spiced, larded and corned whole beef round, boiled and then you wrap it in cheesecloth and simmer it until it's tender. What got us was the spices - things like allspice and cloves and cinnamon. Introduced to middle Tennessee by German immigrants.

I'm not sure Dad really liked it, either. I think it just reminded him of his childhood.

[Batard]

...the worst of the two by far, shortcut tuna noodle casserole: you're basic tuna noodle casserole but, in the interest of saving time for the busy cook I suppose, instead of wasting all of that time cooking noodles the recipe instructed one to "layer the tuna mixture in a casserole dish with layers of crushed potato chips". Disgusting mega-salty glop.

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FYI, this recipe is right out of Betty Crocker's Picture Cook Book, printed in 1950. Little did you know that salty glop you were enjoying was really a "Tuna-Potato Chip Casserole", a variation on the famous "Tuna Supreme" (p.394). The folks in BKs test kitchen thought it was great, calling it "A perfectly grand dish for women's luncheons". Ack!

No wonder people drank so much back then: you needed something strong to kill the taste of the food.

[markk]

For those of you who asked for more, I found another story which I had indeed posted in this thread a few years ago:

I'm glad so many people are enjoying these tales.  As I've mentioned, this was a relationship that was forced on me, although I did eventually end it.  But in the meantime, I've remembered the "Chinese Restaurant" story...

After I first got to know them, I did them a fairly large favor - they didn't ask for it, but it was something that I knew they could use, and I volunteered, and did it because that's what life is about - if you have something to share, and one of your friends can benefit from it, you share.  So I did something nice for them, and it was a fairly 'above and beyond the call of duty' thing, but I was happy to offer, and happy to do it, and had no ulterior motive or reward in mind.

Still, to thank me, they announced that they were taking me out to dinner.  We went to a fairly expensive Chinese restaurant that they liked.  It was just me (as it was a night that my other half was out of town on business).  This restaurant had a few specialty items, one of which was a "Dim Sum" appetizer that consisted of 3-each of 3 different dumplings (total=9 pieces).

They ordered one of those to start for the 5 of us.  And let me say at this point in the tale that they had mentioned a few times before the dinner started that I was their guest, as they were treating, so I didn't feel it was my place to say anything as they ordered. 

They asked the kids what they wanted, and the kids chose a noodle dish (which they immediately halved and served themselves upon its arrival, naturally).  Then the Mrs. ordered a main course for the adults, and asked the husband if he wanted another dish.  He asked us if we liked 'curry'.  The wife replied "honey, you ask me that every time, and you know I detest curry", and I replied that I dislike curry and don't eat it either.  So the husband replied "great, more for me!" and ordered a curry dish as well, for himself, of course.

Anyway, back to the tale.  The Dim-Sum appetizer arrived in a gigantic and festive steamer basket, and inside were three groups of three-dumplings each.  The husband took the basket, and of course took one-each of the dumplings.  Then the basket passed to the youngest child (6 or 7 at the time) who took one each, and then to the older child (10 or 11) who took one of each.  Of course, for those of you who are counting cards, that's all nine dumplings!  And there was "mom" and me, the guest of honor, left.  So once again mom feigned horror (where was she ten minutes earlier when they ordered the dish?) and screamed at the kids to "put some back", so each one returned one dumpling.  When the two dumplings came our way, mom asked me "you take one and I'll take one?".

Then the "main" dishes arrived.  The kids had theirs, and of course, some of what mom had ordered for the table.  Dad had his curry dish all to himself, and you know it, some of what mom had ordered for the table.  And I, stuffed from my one dumpling, had one-fifth of the main dish, this being of course the "thank you" dinner that I was taken out to.

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying these tales.  I got a million of them.

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[divalasvegas]

For those of you who asked for more, I found another story which I had indeed posted in this thread a few years ago:

I'm glad so many people are enjoying these tales.  As I've mentioned, this was a relationship that was forced on me, although I did eventually end it.  But in the meantime, I've remembered the "Chinese Restaurant" story...

After I first got to know them, I did them a fairly large favor - they didn't ask for it, but it was something that I knew they could use, and I volunteered, and did it because that's what life is about - if you have something to share, and one of your friends can benefit from it, you share.  So I did something nice for them, and it was a fairly 'above and beyond the call of duty' thing, but I was happy to offer, and happy to do it, and had no ulterior motive or reward in mind.

Still, to thank me, they announced that they were taking me out to dinner.  We went to a fairly expensive Chinese restaurant that they liked.  It was just me (as it was a night that my other half was out of town on business).  This restaurant had a few specialty items, one of which was a "Dim Sum" appetizer that consisted of 3-each of 3 different dumplings (total=9 pieces).

They ordered one of those to start for the 5 of us.  And let me say at this point in the tale that they had mentioned a few times before the dinner started that I was their guest, as they were treating, so I didn't feel it was my place to say anything as they ordered. 

They asked the kids what they wanted, and the kids chose a noodle dish (which they immediately halved and served themselves upon its arrival, naturally).  Then the Mrs. ordered a main course for the adults, and asked the husband if he wanted another dish.  He asked us if we liked 'curry'.  The wife replied "honey, you ask me that every time, and you know I detest curry", and I replied that I dislike curry and don't eat it either.  So the husband replied "great, more for me!" and ordered a curry dish as well, for himself, of course.

Anyway, back to the tale.  The Dim-Sum appetizer arrived in a gigantic and festive steamer basket, and inside were three groups of three-dumplings each.  The husband took the basket, and of course took one-each of the dumplings.  Then the basket passed to the youngest child (6 or 7 at the time) who took one each, and then to the older child (10 or 11) who took one of each.  Of course, for those of you who are counting cards, that's all nine dumplings!  And there was "mom" and me, the guest of honor, left.  So once again mom feigned horror (where was she ten minutes earlier when they ordered the dish?) and screamed at the kids to "put some back", so each one returned one dumpling.  When the two dumplings came our way, mom asked me "you take one and I'll take one?".

Then the "main" dishes arrived.  The kids had theirs, and of course, some of what mom had ordered for the table.  Dad had his curry dish all to himself, and you know it, some of what mom had ordered for the table.  And I, stuffed from my one dumpling, had one-fifth of the main dish, this being of course the "thank you" dinner that I was taken out to.

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying these tales.  I got a million of them.

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Alas, one of the worst duos of character flaws to be found in a person, yet usually go hand-in-hand: being both cheap AND greedy. Was this the Bernie Madoff family?

[SheenaGreena]

I guess I should've posted this a few weeks ago, but I recently had the WORST meal ever at a family friend's house.

I cooked Christmas dinner this year for these family friends, so they thought they would return the favor by cooking a delicious New Year's Day meal. Of course I was expecting only the best, because the wife cooks the most amazing Korean food. This lady sends fresh kimchi down to me all the time and the best Nakji Bokkeum I have ever had. Also her husband "apparently" loves to cook. He gets regular subscriptions to various food magazines and has an extensive cookbook collection. He has even given me some great cookbooks as well and back issues of Gourmet magazine.

So anyways I end up going to their house with my parents expecting a tasty meal. I arrive at about 2pm and see corn, broccoli,green beans and mashed potatoes on the table. It's obvious the corn is from a can, it has that awful pale yellow color. The broccoli is also grayish green and in tiny tiny pieces. Obviously previously frozen and boiled in water for over 15 mins. The green beans were also previously frozen and very limp. Every time I bit down on one, green bean water squirted everywhere. To top it all off, all veggies were ice cold and had NO salt or pepper or butter - bad. The mashed potatoes were also equally crappy and tasted like they had been mashed with water, not butter and cream ): Of course on the side they served gravy out of the jar. It was extra shiny from the cornstarch thickener. Haha, my father used that gravy on top of all of the veggies, because of the lack of salt. It was pretty entertaining seeing him liberally douse his broccoli with gloopy gravy.

However the best/awful part of the meal was the ham. I was chewing down on a slice of ice cold ham when all of a sudden I taste something strangely familiar. Holy crap, it was peanut butter! They rubbed the ENTIRE outside of the ham with peanut butter.

Is that a regional thing or what? It was such a nasty combination too. I know ham and sweet stuff go hand in hand...but not ham and peanut butter ): Also cooked peanut butter has to be the nastiest thing ever. Although I imagine a peanut butter and bacon sandwich to be absolutely delicious!

Luckily this couple is incredibly sweet and kind and I appreciated the meal, but I am NEVER going back for a meal that is not Korean in origin.

ETA: maybe the best part of the meal was the two parrots in the back room screaming in Korean throughout the meal?

Edited January 12, 2009 by SheenaGreena (log)