Overeating, Denial, & Their Implications

[Pan]

On Monday, I got a phone call informing me that a friend of mine who went to grad school with me had died at 45. The immediate cause, I found out later, was an esophageal hemorrhage, but the actual cause of death is the reason I'm posting here. My friend was quite heavy ever since I met her in 1990 and got heavier over time. She was eventually diagnosed with diabetes but pooh-poohed her diagnosis and doctors generally and continued to stuff herself, bringing upon herself a series of symptoms friends of hers recognized as stemming from diabetes. The hemorrhage was the final symptom.

At the funeral, everyone was in disbelief that a 45-year-old could die suddenly like that, but as I've learned more about her recent history, I've realized that in a larger sense, her death wasn't sudden at all. While her case is extreme, I know that she was not unique in being overweight for emotional reasons -- in her case, as a reaction to a bad relationship she had two years before we met (before and during the relationship, she wasn't overweight) -- nor in living day to day in denial of what overeating is doing to us, and is likely to do to us later.

We food-lovers share a joy in eating, and many of us have discussed the consolation of comfort foods. We all know that overeating and being heavy tend to engender problems with high blood pressure; acid reflux, with all the scary potential side effects of anti-reflux drugs; diabetes; heart attacks; strokes; hemorrhages; etc. And yet in the short term, it feels easier to many people, including many of us, to please and console ourselves with food, all too often to excess.

What has shaken me so much is not just losing a wonderful friend who lived nothing close to a full lifespan, but also the fact that, at 5'10" and around 220 lbs. (with a heavy frame, but 31% body fat), I am a less extreme version of my friend, facing the same risks she refused to acknowledge or face. And so I can only say that those of us who are overeating or/and heavy -- especially if we're already experiencing any related symptoms -- need to see ourselves and our behavior with open eyes and be careful.

Edited June 16, 2007 by Pan (log)

[K8memphis]

First of all I'm so sorry about your dear friend.

And you are so so so so so right and have done each of us a favor by reminding us. And therefore the life of your dear friend is still spreading blessings out to each of us.

I struggle so much with my weight and eating at my age and level of health. I need to be vigilant and live in the tension and not give in!

[heidih]

Losing someone at a young age, especially when one feels it could have been prevented is heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you. This is the 3rd death that I have been made aware of this week under similar sad conditions. One was a woman in her 40's with diabetes who just couldn't stop the sugar- they found sweets hidden all over her house after. The other was a 56 year old woman with congestive heart failure brought on by obesity. Ironically. I had just faced my truth this last weekend and ended up in a 12 step program for the compulsive parts. I still love food and all that it represents in terms of family, culture, sensusality, etc. However, I am having to learn the difference between mindless and compulsive eating, and enjoying food. Thank you for sharing your sorrow and insights.

[Pan]

Thank you, Kate. My friend's death is very hard for me to deal with, but I do agree that if it can help me and any of the rest of us to wake up and take responsibility for what we're doing to ourselves, some good could result from a tragedy.

But perhaps you'd like to elaborate on what you mean by living "in the tension." Tension is the proximate cause of a great deal of overeating and unhealthy eating -- a fact I of course know empirically. So I think that release of tension may be an important part of the solution. But I think you mean something else.

Edited June 16, 2007 by Pan (log)

[K8memphis]

"In the tension" is a term I read recently and I really liked it. For me, I have to walk a very straight line to keep my body from storing food. I have a thyroid issue and with that (or with whatever the underlying reason is) I have those deep raucous unrelenting cravings for something heady and sweet. (So I was eating apples as an alternate trying to be good and broke my dang tooth hehehe yeahthat'snotfunny

If I watch the balance on my foods for proper glycemic index, I keep the beast at bay. But I have to want to do this proper eating thing. When clearly I want to eat otherwise like I have all my life. This creates tension. It's easier to give in and pig my face out and not keep a wise glycemic index of foods going and top it all off with rich decadent sweets that fulfill my cravings. But alas if I live in the tension of eating what is right for me to eat and not eat (as a rule) the stuff I crave then that's better. But it's a tension bridge over troubled water.

Sure I'm healthier, sure I feel better, hey I look better, I look younger, but I'll be damned if that makes up for anything. That's tension.

Picture me staring longingly at a beautiful sparkly moist glisteningly rich slice of wonderfully fragrant chocolate layer cake singing, "If loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right." Living in the tension. And I'm a freaking cake decorator!

[Pan]

I understand, Kate. An ex-girlfriend of mine who's still a dear friend is like you -- hypothyroidism. But she is very fat, and I worry about her. I think it's great that she enjoys and has good taste in food -- that's one of the things we have in common -- but she's living in denial, too.

[tsquare]

Thought of you this evening when I passed on ordering cake for dessert. But I did come home home and eat a handful of cherries. One moment at a time.

[Chufi]

Michael, I am very sorry about your friend.

In a way, this is an issue that I have been thinking about a lot lately. It's all about choices, making them, and then standing by them. If I choose the chocolatecake today, I will be fat tomorrow. Not from the one piece of cake, but from the accumulation of choices that are only based upon the NOW, the instant gratification, the instant satisfying of a need. But, this does not mean I can't eat a piece of cake. But eating it is just as much of a choice, as not eating it. You have to be able to look beyond the cake, into the future, And that's the hard part, because chocolate cake wants to be savoured in the moment, and is able to make you forget that there even is a future

I also know a couple of people who made the decision to live in the moment. They know that the smoking and drinking and eating unhealthy food will kill them. But they say they rather live short lives with all the things they like, than long lives without them. This is also a choice, and one I have to respect. It's not up to me to say they're wrong, or to assume that when they face their death, they will wish they'd done things differently.

[Sony]

Michael, I am so sorry about your friend's death, but thank you for sharing during this difficult time. This resonates with me on a professional and personal level.

My line of work is in public health nutrition, but I volunteer as a dietitian at the local free clinic. What you all have written is basically the point of my job- to help people realize the other priorities in their life and how nutrition can affect them. If I can guide people to that point of realization- that they can keep up with their kids on the playground, or walk up a hill without breaking a sweat-- that's when we start talking about food. How to adjust eating habits so that having a piece of cake is really something to enjoy. It's not an escape from reality. It's not something to obsess about or feel guilty about later. It's food. It's something to enjoy and savor. And eating in a way that supports the life you want AND enjoying what you eat- they're not mutually exclusive ideas for most of us.

OK, off my soapbox. Sometimes it just ticks me off when I see some (not all, but some) dietitians that suck all the joy out of food and eating. It's no wonder that people are sometimes scared to seek help for food-related conditions.

On a personal level, I'm particularly sorry that a bad break-up may have had something to do with your friend's weight issues. Before I went to grad school, I went through a bad split and gained about 15 pounds. Emotional/comfort eating can be a bitch. But I'm glad that I gained a sense of empathy that's important in my line of work. I'd be just as annoyed as the next person if some little holier-than-thou twerp tried to tell me about how celery is just like potato chips.

Edited because I didn't say everything I wanted before I accidentally hit the posting button .

Edited June 16, 2007 by Sony (log)

[kategoldston]

I am also deeply sorry for your loss. I am coming from the same position of ill health, but starting from a different position. Being underweight has the same dire consequences as being obese and I have finally ALMOST finished climbing myself out of a 10 year battle with anorexia that about 10 months ago could and almost did kill me. I do believe that both stem from the same desire to feel or not feel something and satiate and feel loved. Food can do that. It has the power to heal, nurture, and please. It also can be your worst enemy. Living and eating are all about balance. Eating for life, not eating for death.

[Pan]

Thank you all for your expressions of sympathy.

Kate, I'm so glad that you're recovering from anorexia. As you know, that kills many people and permanently affects others. I wish you -- and indeed all of us -- strength to persevere!

[hummingbirdkiss]

I have a huge amt of empathy for you during this sad time... having lost a dear friend to obesity related illness ...she developed diabetes at 28 from obesity and then in her 30's developed congestive heart failure..by her mid 50's she had alreadly lost part of her feet and was forced into retirement... then at 58 my son found her ..crushing...so I completely understand ..I am a nurse and our roles together became more like care taker and patient instead of friends...I was went from angry to sad so often both before she passed and after ..still even I get moments where I just want to yell at her to come back and try again!!!

anyway my heart goes out to you ..there is a fine line in life and one I try to just walk on ...not always gracefully mind you

hugs to you

[purplewiz]

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. It's so difficult to have such a sudden and unexpected loss.

This is a very big issue in my life as it's coming up with other family members around one family member who is in remarkably poor health, and I am battling them to try to make them understand that while we can tell this member of our love and concern and support, nothing will change until this member, of their own free will, makes a decision themselves. And frankly, due to many other issues, I don't think the ill person is currently in a position to spend the sheer amount of time and energy that such a decision and following through requires.

(I speak from my own experiences because several years ago I did make such a decision. But it was mine and mine alone and nothing anyone said or did could have moved up the time table or made me make it one nanosecond before I personally was ready.)

It's very difficult to watch someone you care about decline when it seems so simple on the surface to just change, when it's not simple at all - there are usually layers of issues that must be addressed honestly and head on, and very few of them tend to start with food.

Marcia.

[foodie52]

What is terrible to me and makes me angry is that the friends I have who say they'd rather eat and drink and smoke now and "enjoy" life, rather than abstain or cut back, are not thinking about chronic illness and then a long, lingering descent into incapacitation before death. They think that one day they'll just.....go.....

But it doesn't happen that way usually, does it? And the incapacitaton, pain and suffering is hard on those who are caretakers or loved ones. It can last for years.

[Allura]

About two years ago, I finally decided that I had to do something about my diet myself. I'm another carb-craver, and was approching that "pre-diabetic" stage. I know that I couldn't deal with sticking my finger to take blood and/or giving myself an insulin shot (I had B12 shots for awhile, and needed a friend to do them), so it was important that I get my diet under control before that stage. But, the thing I found was that I couldn't. I wanted to eat better, but I kept diving for the sweets, the chips, the pasta, etc. Finally, I was able to explain to the doctor that I was ALWAYS hungry, and carbs were the only thing that got rid of the black hole. She put me on medication (metformin), and the hole disappeared. Between that and a reference in one of our member's food blog for a diet plan that fit me, I finally started to lose weight. And, I can still eat everything, I just have to watch the amounts and balance appropriately. I've lost weight, but more importantly, many of my "numbers" have improved. Now that my eating habits are established, I'm working on lowering the dosage. So, anyway, sometimes desire & willpower alone won't do the trick.

[prasantrin]

My father was a diabetic for more than half his life, and obese for a good deal of it, too. He smoked from the age of 8 till 50 (2 packs a day, king sized) and he never took care of his diabetes--he ate what he wanted, when he wanted, and eventually became legally blind (though he would still drive). He did quit smoking when he was 50 (very bad health scare), and he lost a good deal of weight (but was still overweight), but didn't really have a healthy lifestyle. He had always said he wouldn't live to see 2001, so I guess he didn't see much sense in depriving himself of foods he loved.

Close to the end of 2000, he started to think he just might live a bit longer than he had thought. He went to a dietician, and changed his diet. He started eating brown rice (for a Thai man, that was really hard!), and exercising more. He had a lot more energy than he had ever had, and I think he was enjoying developing a new lifestyle. He was really taking better care of himself. But January 26, 2001 he died of a ruputured aneurysm.

I wish he had started taking better care of himself earlier. Although he enjoyed his life, and always said he had no regrets, I think the loss of his eyesight and the years of uncontrolled diabetes made his life more difficult than it had to be. They had no relation to how he died, of course, but taking care of his health could have made his time living just that much more enjoyable.

[Pan]

prasantrin, are you sure the aneurysm had nothing to do with your father being overweight, or what he ate? It seems to me that there could have been a relationship there.

[prasantrin]

prasantrin, are you sure the aneurysm had nothing to do with your father being overweight, or what he ate? It seems to me that there could have been a relationship there.

←

We were told that it wasn't related. Anyone, even those who are of perfect health, can have an aneurysm and not know it, and an aneurysm can rupture at any time. It's usually only then (when it ruptures) that a person would even know s/he had it (but it's usually too late by then). Some research I read after he died said smoking and high blood pressure (though he had quit smoking, he had high blood pressure) can increase the risk of it rupturing, though.

[mizducky]

Michael, my deepest condolences on the loss of your friend.

This is a subject that hits very close to home for me. Watching my father die of kidney failure and other complications brought on by poorly-controlled type 2 diabetes, entirely caused by his eating habits, played a huge role in kicking me into my current weight-loss adventures. I did get to see him for a few days near the end--I became very aware that I did NOT want to die that way. I also took a long hard look at how much all my dad's rationalizations about his behavior sounded a little too damn close to my own for comfort, and realized that if I didn't start doing something about all that and soon, I might well go out just like Dad, or something just as nasty.

But even with such an intense demonstration of mortality fresh in my mind, it took another whole year of thinking about it before I finally was able to follow through..

It's just so damn hard for those of us with messed up eating programming to override and change it. I honestly don't think the difficulty of it can be fully grasped by anyone who has never needed to change a behavior so deeply ingrained and so deeply buried under layers of psychological wounds and weirdnesses.

Not to mention the unique challenges food intake management presents to food enthusiasts:

Sometimes it just ticks me off when I see some (not all, but some) dietitians that suck all the joy out of food and eating.  It's no wonder that people are sometimes scared to seek help for food-related conditions.

←

Right on. I swear that any weight management plan that doesn't take into account the fact that we enjoy food is doomed to fail.

Edited June 18, 2007 by mizducky (log)

[prasantrin]

Between that and a reference in one of our member's food blog for a diet plan that fit me, I finally started to lose weight. And, I can still eat everything, I just have to watch the amounts and balance appropriately. I've lost weight, but more importantly, many of my "numbers" have improved. Now that my eating habits are established, I'm working on lowering the dosage.

May I ask what diet plan that was? I've just started with weight watchers, and I'm hoping my numbers improve, too. I lost only 3kg last year (not because of any diet, I'm not really sure how I lost it), and my bad cholesterol decreased (I'm in the normal range now, though the higher end), but my triglycerides are still high. Omega 3 and garlic supplements aren't working, it seems!

So, anyway, sometimes desire & willpower alone won't do the trick.

←

That is so true!

[Fat Guy]

Sometimes it just ticks me off when I see some (not all, but some) dietitians that suck all the joy out of food and eating.  It's no wonder that people are sometimes scared to seek help for food-related conditions.

Dietitians are the least of a fat person's worries. Dietitians don't push high-risk, high-failure-rate surgery on fat people. They don't prescribe unproven drugs at the slightest sign of "abnormal" measurements. They don't judge, condescend and give second-rate treatment to fat people. They just try to get people to eat well. Some dietitians are hopelessly misguided about what it means to eat well, but there's only so much harm they can do -- pretty much the worst they can do is be unhelpful. And a good dietitian can do wonders, especially for a cooperative but not particularly aware person.

No, if there is blame to be assigned here it doesn't go to dietitians. It goes to the traditional medical establishment. Fat people are, in far too many cases, committed to avoiding their doctors because their doctors don't treat them as human beings or as individuals. If you're not a fat person, you can't possibly comprehend the absurd nature of visiting most doctors today -- unless maybe you were a woman visiting male chauvinist gynecologists in the 1950s. You can't even have an intelligent discussion with your doctor -- and I'm talking about people trained at Harvard and Yale -- because they don't have even a basic understanding of the studies and research other than the ones they're exposed to by pharmaceutical company sales reps who want to sell statins and PPIs, and by the CDC (which has been caught in lie after lie about obesity and health). There are so many people being prescribed unnecessary drugs and being subject to other radical interventions that plenty of intelligent overweight people stay the hell away as a means of self-preservation -- and plenty of people who really need help don't seek it out.

The best thing a fat person can do is find a doctor who isn't incompetent at working with fat patients. Unfortunately, that would require that each doctor in that position treat about a million patients.

[jumanggy]

Fat people are, in far too many cases, committed to avoiding their doctors because their doctors don't treat them as human beings or as individuals.

Suddenly I'm picturing Marjorie Dawes from Little Britain. I'm sorry for your bad experiences with doctors, Steven. I'll try to keep what you said in mind, it's really something to think about. (Although I've never given a PPI to anyone but those who need treatment for dyspepsia.. Plus, because this country is so poor, we try to push for exercise prescriptions, stop smoking, drinking, lifestyle modification mostly.)

Sorry about your friend, Michael. I'm thinking about the culture here, and I have to say that there's nothing inherently harmful about being a foodie-- in fact I'd have to say that if I prepared my own food and cooked at home all the time, I'm more likely to lose weight. Tying together what Steven said to your friend's situation, empathy and understanding are more important than drilling someone.

[K8memphis]

I could not agree more with Fat Guy's assessment. Not to get off the subject of food but you can substitute most any ailment for obesity and get the same chemical/pharmacuetical/pharmacopia resolution. Some/most doctors are legal pushers/chemists doling out chemicals, 'the stuff'. Just sit back and watch the latest and greatest magic pill get the television advertising bucks. Like so much chum in the water attracting the sharks who are gonna then sue for you due to the dire side effects. I mean assuming you have loved ones left behind that want to fight the cause for your dead/dying self.

But in my battle to improve my health though eating/living better, instead of changing my diet much any more, I decided to up my metabolism by cycling/excercising more. My diet isn't really that bad. My metabolism has always sucked. Most of my 20's I fasted one day a week to maintain my weight, I'm a super light eater anyway.

I'm gonna try and substitute green tea more in place of sweets Monday through Friday. Then y'know keep more to the salads and low fat, good carb, nice glycemic type food. Well I always say through Friday but Friday night starts the weekend after all So but then enjoy a little more indulgent food on the 'weekend'.

Now I have cycled for two and a quarter hours as a direct result of this post. And my metabolism is so much happier.

Thank you, Michael.

[Kouign Aman]

Michael, Im very sorry to hear about your friend.

Chufi described my experience well - its deciding what I want to do not based on what I want NOW, but what I want tomorrow. Tomorrow, what decision will I wish I had made today? Living in tension is also a good way to put it. (Yes Chufi, the do-you-want-to-lose-weight thread was deleted).

My mom is so terrified of a stroke that her diagnosis of Type II diabetes resulted in her completely overhauling her diet, much to the improvement of her energy levels and general appearance (skin tone etc). I'm more grateful than before, given what I've read here.

It is funny tho - because it hasnt triggered a concommitent expansion in recipe base. Cooking remains un-involved. And she is so afraid of 'imposing' on others that she wont spell out what she needs, so we're always guessing at the balances based on our own research and personal knowledge of her tastes. Win a few, lose a few. I had no idea milk is considered a carb source, tho now I think about it, it makes sense (lactose).

Re doctors just ordering pills for fat patients - I wish! My husband is "a big boy". He's been fat most of his life. In the time I've known him not one doctor has mentioned his weight to him - not that it might give cardio problems, not that it might cripple his joints, not that it might result in diabetes, increased risk of cancer, nothing. Not one word about his being overweight. At least offering a prescription would involve mentioning the problem to the patient!

I'm all for that increased metabolism - good luck to ya!

[viva]

My wake up call came two years ago after playing a game left me with three bulging disks and an inability to stand upright for 3 weeks. My doc did the usual - prescribed the drugs for pain, got me into physical therapy - but at the end of our session said that if I wanted to keep it from happening again I needed to lose at least 50 lbs to keep the pressure off my disks. I was blushing and embarrassed at the time, but I'm glad she did it - her bluntness was the wakeup call that I wasn't getting from family, friends, or elastic-waisted pants. I've lost 45 of those 50. Still could stand to lose a few, but my focus is shifting from the number on the scale to exercising the muscles that I need to support my back and stay healthy.

I think this site is a wonderful resource for people trying to learn how to eat in a balanced & healthy way. It has taught me to remember to seek out really fantastic food and to savor it, rather than stuffing myself with unsatisfying crap that leaves me wanting more.

Edited June 18, 2007 by viva (log)