Rocket Science

[jamiemaw]

Annals of Food Anthropology

Expurgated from Ministry of Food Public Advocacy Bulletin: MOF/04-B4U-I812 Province of British Columbia

ROCKET SCIENCE: THE ARUGULA PARADOX

The emerging science of food anthropology reveals more about us than we might care to know, writes F. Morris Chatters, recently appointed Associate Research Level II Assistant to the Associate Deputy Minister for Food

During the culinary Dark Ages—that time now universally known as the Pre-Arugula Epoch to food anthropologists—certain sinister dilemmas faced early food adventurers, foragers and risk-takers.

Just one such dilemma: Whether it took more courage to eat the first oyster or the first dessert. Food anthropologists now pretty much agree that the oyster was the more daunting—it was typically harder to open and required specialized hardware such as a rock and a hard place.

A rump group of contrarians, however, forcefully maintains that the mega-dessert known as “Death by Chocolate” (1978) was, by right of its very name alone probably equally frightening, especially if you’d just eaten a lot of oysters.

But now much larger issues confront leading food anthropologists. Debate rages in university food departments, although locally, both University of BC and Simon Fraser University food professors have recently lost their faculties, mainly due to government cutbacks or unfortunate local wine pairings.

That fierce debate is focused on the precise chronology of iconic food events, both Pre- and Post-Arugula, and even during the actual Arugula Epoch itself. The debate began at England’s University of Wessex (not incidentally, the British refer to arugula as “rocket”), fomented by the controversial food-denialist Dr. Ewan Auger in his seminal essay, A Brief History of Fennel. In a footnote to the essay, Auger categorically states that both rocket (that is, arugula) and restaurant patio heaters were invented in Great Britain. Not only did he get it badly wrong, but little did he know the trouble he would soon unleash the world over.

To set the record straight, the Pre-Arugula period (1971-1978) is characterized by certain iconic benchmarks in time, such as, “Hi, my name’s Brad, and I’ll be your waiter tonight” (1972), salad bar sneeze-shields (1973), Kressman’s screw top wine in the handy one-litre format (1974), and the advent of pepper mills the size of outdoor chess pieces (1971-present day). Culinary historians now largely agree upon these dates.

What remains more controversial, however, and what has yet to be settled by accurate carbon dating, was the introduction of uncomfortable hotel-banquet chairs and pink nylon napkins into high-end Chinese restaurants. Dr. Baugh Lam, dean of UBC’s Faculty of Food and Modern Living, says “We know now that the plastic grocery bags [that the pink napkins were recycled from] went into production in 1976. Unfortunately carbon dating has proven wildly inaccurate, though, likely because the bags themselves were recycled from leisure suits. And any hope for accurate DNA sampling appears a dead-end too – what little chop suey actually adhered to the napkins is either virtually untraceable or simply petrifying.”

When we confronted Dr. Lam with the clear evidence of pink nylon napkins in a 1975 brochure touting the Double Ecstasy Fulfillment Gardens Restaurant in Richmond, he replied, “Well there you go—this is never easy and it’s far from being an exact science.”

During the actual Arugula Epoch, which lasted a scant two decades beginning in late-1978, some issues have recently been clarified while others remain clouded by time. For instance, lengthy menu descriptions (1992-1998), noting the provenance of each ingredient, its organic growing methodology, its harvesting procedures and the maiden name of its mother arouse not a whit of controversy.

What does raise a bone of contention though, especially amongst steakhouse anthropologists, is the advent of sautéed spinach (as opposed to the undeniably Pre-Arugula creamed spinach) as a side dish. “The 2001 fire at the head offices of Hy’s Steakhouses on Davie Street wiped out any definitive proof,” says Dr. Sybil Kronick of Simon Fraser University’s Department of Culinary Anthropology and Food Styling. “Although we’re quite sure it was 1995, I said more or less the same thing about the baba au rhum/apple crumble changeover date, and just look at how out to lunch I was there,” Dr. Kronick continued in her usual self-effacing way. “But we’re missing the real point here, anyway, because the whole missing link controversy is of much greater importance.”

Dr. Kronick was, of course, referring to those dining items that positively link the epochs: Hy’s Seasoning Salt, supersized pepper mills, and bratwurst. “Hy’s Seasoning Salt clearly connects the dots,” Dr. Kronick said brazenly. “But if you want the real missing links, look to quality bratwurst, especially the ones that don't split when amateur grill-dads barbecue them. Because they definitely connect the epochs too,” she said.

Dr. Kronick makes a strong case, and even her most out-spoken critics seem at least in tacit agreement on these points. “Now, you could argue that vertical presentation in general, and the addition of high-rise rosemary spears to roasted garlic mashed potatoes in particular, were important Arugula-era icons,” says chef Todd Ling of Vancouver’s renowned fusion house Beige Ling. “Equally, you could make the valid point that short, cryptic menu descriptions like ‘Recent Veal’ and ‘Regional Haggis’ are definitively post-Arugula. On the other hand, ‘Blackened Group’ is clearly Cajun and therefore pre-Arugula. But clearly, quality bratwurst—especially venison with minced prune — crosses all the boundaries.”

And as for Hy’s Seasoning Salt, we asked? In response, Ling pulled a yellowed copy of the September, 1968 edition of Vancouver Life magazine from the cookbook shelf in his tiny office. He pointed to an advertisement for the legendary financial district hangout known as Hy’s Encore. Pictured in the ad is the restaurant’s founder, Hy Aisenstat, doctoring a fowl with Hy’s Seasoning Salt, a large peppermill and a lashing of cognac. The caption reads, “At Hy’s, no tern goes unstoned.” “Clearly Pre-Arugula,” Ling said, “but a technique still much in evidence today in finer steakhouses.”

* * *

“By-catch, sustainable, and fly-caught, zeez are the buzzwords for the Post-Arugula generation,” says devoutly heterosexual Kitsilano bistro proprietor Alphonse d’Aprés-Toi. For once he is referring to his ingredients and not his libido. “At Chez Alphonse we really concentrate on these things,” he says as he fondles the generous lobes of a nubile foie gras. “To be sure, bratwurst will always remain important,” he says, playing the French card, “but only ze way we make it here—browned off in ze quick sauté and zen napping in the sauce of low morels.”

Meanwhile, University of British Columbia’s Dr. Lam and his colleaugues aren't so sure. “Blindfold some restaurant critics and then ask them to tell the difference between a wild, line-caught, quick-bled winter-spring salmon versus the traditional farmed product and I guarantee you that nine times out of ten they’ll be 50-50 or so,” Lam claims.

Lam claims that he and his fellow academics are also seeing ample evidence of a new trend, called Retro Pre-Arugula, showing up on menus. “It’s sort of a guilty pleasure, but also a finger in the eye of your Arugula-obsessed parents,” Lam says. “Cut an iceberg lettuce—about the size of what Mayor Larry Campbell stuffs in his fedora—in half and slather a pint of Thousand Island dressing over it. Lighthouse brand is a superior product. Then my wife and I like to open a case of beer and turn out the lights.”

Interestingly, however, "the distinctions between the three periods are most clearly evidenced when examining restaurant service, not food,” Dr. Lam said in italics for emphasis. It’s soon clear that Lam is referring to the notorious “Quality Check” question that has seemingly adapted to changing times. “Pre-Arugula,” Lam says, “Brad, your waiter, would stop by to interrupt your carefully rehearsed entreaties of seduction by asking ‘Is everything all right?’ But these days, his name is Ethan and he’ll ask ‘Is everything meeting or exceeding your taste expectations?’ This is much worse, of course, because it can make your date think she's buying into something much more than dinner.”

Edited October 8, 2004 by jamiemaw (log)

[Carrot Top]

This definitely should go in the Time Capsule....it's a beaut!

[srhcb]

RE: "the distinctions between the three periods are most clearly evidenced when examining restaurant service, not food,” Dr. Lam said in italics

I've always had difficulty understanding anyone with an Italican accent.

[map]

Well Done!

[Episure]

An excellent dissertation, unarugulably good.

[jackal10]

The pre-arugula, post arugula, and post modern (mache?) periods extend to all areas of dining:

Pre-Arugula

Starter: Prawn Cockail

Main: Steak, well done

Desert: Black Forest Gateau

Wine: Blue Nun

Post Arugula:

Starter: Whitebait or Gravlax

Main: Steak, rare

Desert: Chocolate Mousse or Death by chocolate

Wine: Oaky Rioja

Post Modern:

Starter: Vegetable terrine with two coloured sauces, feathered

Main: Steak, slow cooked but pink, Vegatables as seperate courses

Desert: Chocolate sampler or choclate creme brulee

Wine: Obscure Chilean

Edited October 12, 2004 by jackal10 (log)

[Ling]

“Pre-Arugula,” Lam says, “Brad, your waiter, would stop by to interrupt your carefully rehearsed entreaties of seduction by asking ‘Is everything all right?’ But these days, his name is Ethan and he’ll ask ‘Is everything meeting or exceeding your taste expectations?’ This is much worse, of course, because it can make your date think she's buying into something much more than dinner.”

←

Hey, I'd give Ethan a chance if my date was a dud.

[Pontormo]

Annals of Food Anthropology

That fierce debate is focused on the precise chronology of iconic food events, both Pre- and Post-Arugula, and even during the actual Arugula Epoch itself. The debate began at England’s University of Wessex (not incidentally, the British refer to arugula as “rocket”), fomented by the controversial food-denialist Dr. Ewan Auger in his seminal essay, A Brief History of Fennel. In a footnote to the essay, Auger categorically states that both rocket (that is, arugula) and restaurant patio heaters were invented in Great Britain. Not only did he get it badly wrong, but little did he know the trouble he would soon unleash the world over.

Please be advised that the proper format for the citation of an article in academic circles requires the use of quotation marks before and after the title of the study. This should be followed by the full disclosure of the name of the journal (in italics), volume number, year and page numbers, thereby permitting your readership to consult your source and quibble with both your overdetermined reading and manipulative willingness to overlook the full context in which the original remark was offered.

During the actual Arugula Epoch, which lasted a scant two decades beginning in late-1978....

I think you'll find strong evidence to support a date toward the middle of the week at approximately 8:14 PM (GT) in early 1978 in Cleveland. However, the propensity to construct an essentializing chronology troubles me. Documented evidence supports a relative time line based on region and number of McDonald's franchises per capita, that is, were one not to dismiss altogether the (pre-post)colonical notion of historical progress that is implicated in this model. Most worrisome perhaps, the nomenclature for the categories of classification bespeaks an imperialistic Western bias, glaringly apparent in the choice of "arugula" as the normative term. Moreover, the tripartite system smacks of a Christocentric hegemony.

What does raise a bone of contention though, especially amongst steakhouse anthropologists, is the advent of sautéed spinach (as opposed to the undeniably Pre-Arugula creamed spinach) as a side dish. “The 2001 fire at the head offices of Hy’s Steakhouses on Davie Street wiped out any definitive proof,” says Dr. Sybil Kronick of Simon Fraser University’s Department of Culinary Anthropology and Food Styling[sic; see below*].

While I am indeed flattered that you recognize my humility in further comments, I would like to point out that I am not a member nor have I ever been a member of the steakhouse scholars, nor have I ever fraternized with their ilk despite rumors to the contrary. I regret the events that took place on the third night of the conference in Leeds after Dr. Ruddy's keynote speech, but that was not my camisole draped over the headboard in the Westchamberlain Suite on the morning of the 23rd.

*We are now a concentration within the Department of the History of the Body or Somiatics. Food Styling has merged with the Department of Applied Visual Culture.

Edited October 17, 2005 by Pontormo (log)

[docsconz]

Classic! Somiatics indeed.