Is it possible? Kids and dinner parties don't mix?

[Gifted Gourmet]

NYTimes Style Magazine

In earlier generations, by all accounts, children were seen and not heard, fed early and tucked away in their nurseries before company came — perhaps creeping down for a peep at the party, or even serving a canapé or two if they were very well behaved about it. The grown-ups would ooh and aah and then get back to the adult business at hand. "That's changed, and I can't figure out why,"...  These days, when parents tend to be older and more reluctant to change their lifestyles, tots are more likely to be integrated into evening plans, often less than seamlessly.

Are you sanguine about bringing your child(ren) to an adult dinner party?

As the host(ess), does it make you uncomfortable for the child? the parents? yourself?

[H. du Bois]

Hmmmm. I'm one of those adults who's peevish about ill-behaved children ruining my restaurant meals. But I'm perfectly happy to cook for and entertain children at my home. I suppose it's the psychological barrier between what I consider to be "family" occasions (my friends do constitute family), and what I consider to be adult occasions - and socializing with other adults over certain types of meals would be one of them.

I'd be upset if I were to present an elegant meal with sophisticated fare and fragile china and crystal, and someone brought a cranky little one without checking with me first. But I'd happily accept a child if it were a less formal, family-style occasion.

I suppose it all comes down to communication between the host/hostess and the prospective guests as to what is acceptable. In the end, as with the restaurant scenario, it's all about manners.

[Motochef]

NYTimes Style Magazine

In earlier generations, by all accounts, children were seen and not heard, fed early and tucked away in their nurseries before company came — perhaps creeping down for a peep at the party, or even serving a canapé or two if they were very well behaved about it. The grown-ups would ooh and aah and then get back to the adult business at hand. "That's changed, and I can't figure out why,"...  These days, when parents tend to be older and more reluctant to change their lifestyles, tots are more likely to be integrated into evening plans, often less than seamlessly.

Are you sanguine about bringing your child(ren) to an adult dinner party?

As the host(ess), does it make you uncomfortable for the child? the parents? yourself?

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Interesting question. I remember as a child the scene described in the quote above. I also remember my mother telling me not to eat the hors d'oeuvres she had made because they were for "company" (especially shrimp). In some cases, when other "adults" were bringing their children, I remember a "kids" table set in the kitchen.

Today, unless I'm having close friends to dinner or visiting them for dinner, I don't involve the kids as a part of the event. While the kids are integrated in the beginning of the evening, I use a babysitter to look after the children for a bath and to get them ready for bed. However, I always go upstairs to say good night and give them a hug and a kiss.

[SuzySushi]

Since having a child, our socializing, our priorities, and even our friends have changed. We spend more time with people who also have kids (or accept kids in social settings); less time with people who don't.

The last "formal" dinner party I went to was probably before I got married (15+ years ago!). I was never that big on formal parties anyway.

I feel the same about dinner parties as I do about restaurants. If our daughter isn't welcome, we'd rather not go. She's part of our family.

That being said, it is rather nice that she's gotten to the age (9) where she can go off to another room with the other kids after dinner and play without parental intervention, so we have the opportunity to socialize with the adults.

[Pan]

From what I remember, when I was a child, I was seated at the big table with the adults, served the same food (but of course without a glass of wine) and expected to try to follow the conversation. I recall that guests were often impressed by my capacity to make pertinent comments at an early age. But when it got late or I was bored with overly technical shop talk on paints, canvasses and the like, I would leave the room and amuse myself in my room or go to sleep. Thank goodness I was never expected to be "seen and not heard." My parents never believed in that concept of child-rearing, and I don't think that that was anything like a universal standard for American (or maybe particularly New York) children of my generation (b. 1965).

[Megan Blocker]

It depended when I was growing up...my mom hosted a lot of cocktail parties, mostly business-related (she was second-in-command and her boss lived in a condo, so she did a lot of the entertaining in our house). At those, I mostly hung out in the kitchen, though this was in the 80's, after the living-and-dining-room-only barriers had been breached in entertaining. I knew at least half of the guests at each party, and they would come in and say hello. Sometimes I was recruited to pass hors d'ouevres. I had to go to bed at a certain time, but I remember sneaking out of my room and leaning over the railing on the second floor and listening to the laughter and the tinkle of the ice in the glasses. Sometimes they played the piano.

Straight dinner parties were for close friends and family. My brother and I were always included at the table, unless there were too many people to fit (I think our table seats 12 or 16 - haven't seen it with all its leaves in a long time), in which case the young folks would be seated at a table in the living room (connected to the dining room by an archway) or, if we begged, allowed to eat on the couch in the family room.

None of my close friends has children yet, so I haven't had to deal with this issue. However, I have huge issues with the parents who take their children to restaurants and let them run rampant (this happened to me last weekend), as though they expect the other patrons to care for them.

As long as my friends don't behave this way, I can't imagine it being a huge problem. I will still expect some adults-only time, though - I have a terrible potty mouth, and I can't be expected to hold the naughty talk in FOREVER!

Edited May 7, 2006 by Megan Blocker (log)

[Nyleve Baar]

I've always been two ways about this. When it comes to my own kids, I've always included them in our home dinner parties as long as they were game to be there. They rarely didn't want to join us at the table, but were always free to leave when they'd had enough of us, as long as they excused themselves. It's one way of teaching kids about good table manners and how to behave in polite company (not that we were always polite - but you understand what I mean). I think they really grew up at those dinner parties and now that they're both in their twenties, I believe they could comfortably hold their own in any social situation they might find themselves.

When we were invited elsewhere, I usually left it up to the inviter as to whether the kids would come. I think it's their choice and frankly, we've been to some dinner parties with people who have no idea about kids that would have been sheer torture for my sons to have to endure. (It was almost torture for us sometimes.) Friends who have kids were different - they were comfortable around children, could make my own kids feel welcome and there was always someplace - a bedroom, den, TV room - where they could go to hang out once they tired of adult conversation.

As for kids coming to our house - they are always welcome. Always. I have rarely had a bad experience with kids who are old enough to sit at the table - and I sometimes find their company pretty darn entertaining. If a couple brings a whiny young child to a dinner party, I usually find that it can be more disturbing to them than it is to anyone else - so I leave that up to them. If they WANT to bring a little whiny kid to an adult dinner, it's not my problem if they end up having to spend half the evening sorting their kid out in the den. Provided, of course, they do remove the whiny child to the den, that is.

[FabulousFoodBabe]

None of my close friends has children yet, so I haven't had to deal with this issue.  However, I have huge issues with the parents who take their children to restaurants and let them run rampant (this happened to me last weekend), as though they expect the other patrons to care for them.

As long as my friends don't behave this way, I can't imagine it being a huge problem.  I will still expect some adults-only time, though - I have a terrible potty mouth, and I can't be expected to hold the naughty talk in FOREVER!

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Oh, it takes a village, Megan! Seriously, I agree.

My irritation has always been with couples who bring along their children, and expect everyone else to modify their behavior and assist in tending the little darlings. We were the last of our group to have kids, and I finally got very tired of telling the same people that, no, tonight is not for bringing the 2-year old along.

I remembered how it felt, when I became a parent. We moved when our firstborn was very young, and getting a good sitter wasn't easy. I just would call people and say, "no sitter, can't make it" and they'd say either "bring little Fester along, he's a joy to have," or "so we'll see you next time!"

We entertain a lot, and our sons, when they got to be old enough, became the coat-check boys and hors d'oeuvres waiters (imagine a 4-year old in a tux!). They generally got tired of being in the middle of things, and would go on to do other, kid-stuff. Which is how it should be.

[gini]

From what I remember, when I was a child, I was seated at the big table with the adults, served the same food (but of course without a glass of wine) and expected to try to follow the conversation.  I recall that guests were often impressed by my capacity to make pertinent comments at an early age. But when it got late or I was bored with overly technical shop talk on paints, canvasses and the like, I would leave the room and amuse myself in my room or go to sleep. Thank goodness I was never expected to be "seen and not heard." My parents never believed in that concept of child-rearing, and I don't think that that was anything like a universal standard for American (or maybe particularly New York) children of my generation (b. 1965).

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This is basically how my mom raised me. My parents had me later in life and their friends' children were already in their teens and twenties when I came about. My parents entertained at home an awful lot and I was always expected to not only be a serving wench but also sit with the adults and behave myself. On a few occasions my parents would have grandma watch me so they could go out to father's company bashes and such, but for the most part, we were never in the seen and not heard camp.

I've said this before and I'll say it again, how on earth are children to learn their manners and their social graces if they're not put in these types of situations?

I don't have kids yet, and neither do most of my friends so this really isn't an issue for me. However, if your children are well behaved, I'll welcome them into my house at all times, as long as I don't have to sit around and talk about how damn cute they are. Seriously. Ill behaved children will be thrown into the basement, however, and their irresponsible parents too!

[Kim Shook]

Hmmmm.  I'm one of those adults who's peevish about ill-behaved children ruining my restaurant meals.  But I'm perfectly happy to cook for and entertain children at my home.  I suppose it's the psychological barrier between what I consider to be "family" occasions (my friends do constitute family), and what I consider to be adult occasions - and socializing with other adults over certain types of meals would be one of them. 

I'd be upset if I were to present an elegant meal with sophisticated fare and fragile china and crystal, and someone brought a cranky little one without checking with me first.  But I'd happily accept a child if it were a less formal, family-style occasion. 

I suppose it all comes down to communication between the host/hostess and the prospective guests as to what is acceptable.  In the end, as with the restaurant scenario, it's all about manners.

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What H. du Bois said.

[Kouign Aman]

Its exhausting to take a smallfry to a dinner party. I'm always grateful (& surprised) when our hosts want the munchkin present, and Im always falling down tired by the end of the evening. It takes a lot of energy and thought to keep both a table full of adults and one baby/toddler happy. I'm thinking that 5-6 years of age should be a breeze in contrast. (please dont burst my bubble)

[hjshorter]

No one we know with kids has formal dinner parties, including us. If we invite friends to our house their kids are invited and vice versa. Getting a sitter is very expensive ($12/hour for our two kids), so we save that for occasions where children aren't welcome, like weddings or more formal restaurants.

[Hest88]

I don't have a problem with well-behaved children anywhere. My only issue is that when children get to be about 3-5 up to their late teens it can be hard to have adult conversations knowing that the kids are listening. It pretty much means anything sensitive, controversial, or raunchy needs to be censored. I know some parents don't care what their children hear, but I certainly care what I may be exposing children to if I'm not careful!

Edited May 8, 2006 by Hest88 (log)

[handmc]

In the warm months I have outdoor bashes so the more the merrier. The kids are either in the pool or a tent I put up for them so they don't bother us and we don't have to worry about editing out conversation.

In the wintertime they are fed and off to bed!

[Marc Olson]

Our boys are 10 now, but had their first culinary excursion when they were just weeks old. The first year is easy--they are portable and like to sleep.

Once mobile the challenge begins...

We've tried to give our kids a sense of adventure about food, encouraging experimentation when some of our other friends were pushing frozen nuggets and plain pasta. The 'No Thank You' bite at age three often turned into clearing the plates.

Food means friends, and so over the years we've both entertained (with them lurking about) and been entertained (sometimes with, sometimes without). When we eat out we don't hesitate to bring them if it's a 'just family' evening, and will often join another couple and bring the kids along. They've learned to order confidently from the menu (look the waiter in the eye), and often

That said, some of our 'old' friends stopped wanting to get together for anything once the kids were born; didn't matter what the occasion. So, we have new friends. Or maybe fewer, better friends.

Some of our most enjoyable food memories these days are with a couple who's kids are now in college; their son (seems to) enjoys it when we get together to cook and the three boys hang out 'upstairs' while the adults cook and serve downstairs.

Traveling also brings with it the opportunity for trying new things, and we've found that in France kids are seemingly welcome in many more places than here.

[Idlewild]

We don't have kids or a whole lot of friends with kids so it hasn't come up on that end of things. As a kid I was among the "expected to sit at the table and converse rationally" mob. My parents' friends had kids too and we'd all sit around the table and talk/listen to adult conversation. Politics, art, literature etc. As soon as the food was finished though, we were allowed to go play and do child things, while the adults presumably got more raunchy. However, I don't remember them restraining the conversation much while we were at the table - if something was over our heads we were told that it was adult talk and sooner or later the conversation would get back around to things we comprehended. Food likewise wasn't toned down to be kid friendly. We ate what was put in front of us.

I have always appreciated this and as soon as I was old enough to hold a wooden spoon was thrilled to be included in my parents' party planning and cooking. Entertaining and providing good bountiful food and good hospitality are among my warmest memories of childhood/teenagehood. I hope if we ever have sproglets of our own around we'd raise them with the same values.

[miladyinsanity]

They've learned to order confidently from the menu (look the waiter in the eye), and often

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I wish the damned waiters at the Chinese restaurants here would give me a menu too. Just because it's clear I'm not the one paying--I'm not one of the parents, but one of the kids.

I think it's about expectations.

Here, kids are expected to turn up for wedding dinners, reunion dinners, the odd housewarming or dinner party etc dressed well and on their best behavior. There are exceptions, of course, but they tend to be business deals or when the hosts do not have kids themselves.

To the Chinese, everything is a family celebration, and the words "Be seen but not heard" still hold.

Yeah, sometimes things get rowdy when the kids run around playing. Or worse, when their parents ignore the kids and just let them run around.

Except for the very young, we eat what the adults eat, though nowadays kid's meals are more common.