The worst things ever heard in a Restaurant

[TJHarris]

Does anyone have favorite stories of odd thing overheard in your favorite dining rooms? I have one:

It was the first night that the dining room in a new country club was open to members. I was the Exec Sous and was expediting that night. I had just sent a set of first courses to the dining room with "Nicki" (not her real name) when I hear her exclaim from the dining room, "This cheese smells like ass!" in relation to a French Onion Soup Gratinee. Seems that she didn't appreciate Gruyere. That was her first and last table of her tenure with us.

[StudentChefEclipse]

During my class in front of the house at the school's fine-dining restaurant, I was waiting table for a party of five of those women... the skinny, siliconed, overteased hair women.

While I was delivering entrees, one turned to the woman on her left and said, "Oh those vegetables are pretty enough for your next hat."

I, of course, had to forward the comment back to my classmates in the kitchen as "compliments to the chef."

[RSincere]

I was training a hostess in at one of the nicer restaurants in our town. We had quite a group of people milling about waiting for their table. She decided to regale us with her personal childbirth story, complete with details about how she gets off on pain so she was...um..."personally" enjoying the labor and pushing, etc. I was mortified, but as a sheltered 18-year-old wasn't sure how to shut her up. However, she was fired at the end of the shift.

[Cusina]

I'm not sure if this counts as overheard, but it sure embarassed the heck out of me as a teenager. One night right before halloween my family went to an Italian pasta place in Milwaukee. My somewhat sheltered mother mistakenly took the waitresses hairstyle (you know the one... late middle aged woman, overly black dye job, entire can of hairspray) and heavy make up ala mary kay for a costume. I don't believe that was the case, while it was kind of scary, this was just her normal look. My mother complimented her enthusiastically several times on her "halloween getup" and questioned her about how she "got her hair to do that". I was mortified. I hope my father tipped her really well. Yikes.

[GG Mora]

I'm not sure if this counts as overheard, but it sure embarassed the heck out of me as a teenager.  One night right before halloween my family went to an Italian pasta place in Milwaukee.  My somewhat sheltered mother mistakenly took the waitresses hairstyle (you know the one... late middle aged woman, overly black dye job, entire can of hairspray) and heavy make up ala mary kay for a costume.  I don't believe that was the case, while it was kind of scary, this was just her normal look.  My mother complimented her enthusiastically several times on her "halloween getup" and questioned her about how she "got her hair to do that".  I was mortified.  I hope my father tipped her really well.  Yikes.

Hmmm....the Evil Mirror version of this story:

When I was in art school, I worked weekends at the only real upscale restaurant in town, one heavily patronized by the nouveau riche Ignoramuscenti. The waitresses were all required to dress up for Halloween, and the twee little cutie-pies came clad as A Kitty-Kat! A Lobster! A Lady-Bug! Me, I went for the diner waitress look, crafted with enormous care: the slovenly button-down uniform, the hairnet, the rhinestone-studded bug-eye making cat's eye spectacles, SuppHose, orthopedic shoes, and cardigan with requisite used Kleenex tucked in the sleeve. Not one, not two, but three parties that night asked me straight-faced why I hadn't dressed in costume.

[beans]

I've seen much worse than anything I've ever heard.

Does this count?

I was living with my boyfriend who was a charter boat captain, operating a 38 foot Carver that was often docked and rafted at Shooters. We broke up and for one reason or another I decided to work for Shooters. About two weeks into the job, I had heard every story about his indiscretions while "on the job with a charter" with various other now fellow co-working servers, much to my horror.

Welcome to the wild world of food and beverage, eh?!

[TJHarris]

I've seen much worse than anything I've ever heard.  

Does this count?

I was living with my boyfriend who was a charter boat captain, operating a 38 foot Carver that was often docked and rafted at Shooters.  We broke up and for one reason or another I decided to work for Shooters.  About two weeks into the job, I had heard every story about his indiscretions while "on the job with a charter" with various other now fellow co-working servers, much to my horror.

Welcome to the wild world of food and beverage, eh?!

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Ouch! That just had to suck. I never have quite figured out why us men aare such pigs.

Edited to say: Must get used to these new controls.

Edited September 5, 2004 by TJHarris (log)

[Carrot Top]

Sorry, but I can not resist answering this one.

Will try to keep 'food' in the subject line.

Pigs usually end up eating sh**!

beans, be grateful you didn't marry him! For every cloud there is a silver lining...

[chromedome]

Years ago in Vancouver, I was at the table next to this exchange:

DINER: I see this stuff mentioned all the time, this..."ratatouille." What is it, anyway?

WAITRESS: (face squinched up in a look of disgust) It's some kind of a vegetable stew, with, like (shudders) eggplant in it, or something.

[pregnant pause]

(then, brightly) It's supposed to be really good!

The diner, oddly enough, did not order the ratatouille.

[markk]

Does anyone have favorite stories of odd thing overheard in your favorite dining rooms? 

I was on the island of Capri, in Italy, eating at a small restaurant whose chef had previously been the head chef at the island's largest and most elegant hotel before he branched out on his own in a very small, very simple place. I knew him to be a wonderful, classically trained chef, and also an instructor at the island's culinary and hotel school.

Still, it seemed like tourists would wander in not knowing who he was, and would just be amazed to find any touches of civilization. One night when dinner ended the kitchen crew was scrubbing down the open kitchen as some of the diners were leaving. One woman stared with wonder at the kitchen activity, and said to her husband in a very nasal, astounded voice, "Look, Morton, he's actually cleaning his grill!"

After she left, the chef, who understood more than enough English to comprehend what had happened, asked me, "What do they think, that we're barbarians?" To which I replied, "Obviously, yet they're willing to take their lives in their hands and eat your food."

[Carolyn Tillie]

When I was managing catering at the Music Center in the Los Angeles, we used to get a lot of business from pharmaceutical companies who would give doctors a fancy, three-course meal and tickets to a show. All the doctors had to do was sit through a slide show presentation of the latest drug said pharmaceutical company was trying to peddle.

Before I had my set staff of knowledgable waiters, I hired whomever was available. On one particular night, with a newbie waitress in tow, the pharmaceutical company in question was showing slides for the care or prevention of some form of VD. The slides were quite graphic with shots of lesions and boils and festering wounds on both male and female private parts.

While the doctors and their guests had no difficulty consuming starter, entree, and dessert during the projection of these images, my poor newbie waitress was puking her guts out so that I had to fill in as a server. Fortunately, I have a strong stomach.

[beans]

When I was managing catering at the Music Center in the Los Angeles, we used to get a lot of business from pharmaceutical companies who would give doctors a fancy, three-course meal and tickets to a show. All the doctors had to do was sit through a slide show presentation of the latest drug said pharmaceutical company was trying to peddle.

Before I had my set staff of knowledgable waiters, I hired whomever was available. On one particular night, with a newbie waitress in tow, the pharmaceutical company in question was showing slides for the care or prevention of some form of VD. The slides were quite graphic with shots of lesions and boils and festering wounds on both male and female private parts.

While the doctors and their guests had no difficulty consuming starter, entree, and dessert during the projection of these images, my poor newbie waitress was puking her guts out so that I had to fill in as a server. Fortunately, I have a strong stomach.

Something triggered this and it wasn't from lovely Carolyn story, but perhaps this counts....

While I lived and worked at Put in Bay, we catered only to tourists having a happy weekend away from whatever city they were from. I was often asked "Where are you from?" Depending upon my mood and whether I wished to converse with this guest I answered either Alaska or Cleveland. For 80 percent of the Cleveland answers I got the "Do you live on the island?"

No! I like to drive back to Cleveland for the 20 minute boat ride to the mainland and hour and a half drive every night at 3:00 a.m.!

Duh!

Edited September 6, 2004 by beans (log)

[Susan G]

[quote name=Carolyn Tillie

While the doctors and their guests had no difficulty consuming starter' date=' entree, and dessert during the projection of these images, my poor newbie waitress was puking her guts out so that I had to fill in as a server. Fortunately, I have a strong stomach.

I've been at a lunch like that: A hospital presentation on treatment of acute burns, complete with slideshow on a huge screen. The entree during the show of blisters, swollen red body parts and oozings?

Chicken and cheese enchiladas with red chile sauce!

The ER staff and EMS folks were chowing down, no problem: The respiratory therapists and floor nurses were gasping and turning pale!

[skrattypants]

my favorite dining room story couldn't be heard by the average ear--thank gods.

one lunch hour, a group of deaf women were seated in my friend john's section--he was thrilled for the opportunity to try out his expanding ASL skills. one woman ordered the little pizzette du jour and john asked her what toppings she would like.

let's just say the sign for "mushroom" and the sign for "blowjob" are very similar...

[Jason Perlow]

my favorite dining room story couldn't be heard by the average ear--thank gods.

one lunch hour, a group of deaf women were seated in my friend john's section--he was thrilled for the opportunity to try out his expanding ASL skills.  one woman ordered the little pizzette du jour and john asked her what toppings she would like.

let's just say the sign for "mushroom" and the sign for "blowjob" are very similar...

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They have an official ASL sign for that???

[skrattypants]

they have a sign for everything. sometimes two or three.

[StudentChefEclipse]

Never try making up your own sign if you don't exactly know one, either. A friend of mine tried asking a deaf fellow out for a piece of pie by forming a wedge shape with her fingers. Much too much like the sign for vagina.

*wheeeee*

[Carlovski]

They have an official ASL sign for that???

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Hey, get lucky and you might get a pizza and a ......

Anyway I was in a place the other day and there was an elderly couple, and the man when asked how he wanted his steak cooked replied 'Very Very Well Done.......But Keep it moist!"

[The_Rookie]

This isn't my story, but was related to me first hand.

A new line cook was being broken in when he spots a rat sitting near the door. He runs up and kicks it...

Right into the dining room.

[TJHarris]

This isn't my story, but was related to me first hand. 

A new line cook was being broken in when he spots a rat sitting near the door.  He runs up and kicks it...

Right into the dining room.

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Where was this? I need to never eat there!

[The_Rookie]

Where was this?  I need to never eat there!

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It was a now-defunct Chinese restaurant in Spokane, Washington.

BTW - one place you should eat if you're ever in that city is Patsy Clark's. Great wine list, excellent food. At least, that was the case when I worked there several years ago...

[little ms foodie]

It was a now-defunct Chinese restaurant in Spokane, Washington.

BTW - one place you should eat if you're ever in that city is Patsy Clark's.  Great wine list, excellent food.  At least, that was the case when I worked there several years ago...

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Oh lord, I grew up in the Can (as we called it), Patsy Clarks was originally owned by the Campbell Soup people. First time I had escargot, dressed in my Jr High satin prom dress...bless their hearts.

My story....recently in Tuscaloosa Alabama we found and ate BBQ at Dreamland. All they serve are ribs, white bread and sauce. At the table next to us this very blond woman and her very blond family ask the waitress if they have any sides like cole slaw or beans. The waitress replied "that there is white people food! This is barbeque!" I almost fell off my bench (into my sauce) laughing at the shocked look on the woman's face!

[MGLloyd]

As a medical malpractice consultant, I do a lot of public speaking to medical audiences: usually physicians and hospital personnel. And as anyone in healthcare knows, if you want people to show up, serve them food. So many's the time I have been showing slides of some medical catastrophe and noticed a crowd of servers and line cooks watching with looks of horror or rapt fascination on their faces. Of particular note was a seminar I was doing on plastic surgery malpractice, and of course I was showing several slides of implants gone bad and the like. I noticed about ten female servers watching in the back, and about half of them were unconsciously clutching their breasts. I am sure there must be a doctoral thesis in there somewhere.

[TheFoodTutor]

Before I had my set staff of knowledgable waiters, I hired whomever was available. On one particular night, with a newbie waitress in tow, the pharmaceutical company in question was showing slides for the care or prevention of some form of VD. The slides were quite graphic with shots of lesions and boils and festering wounds on both male and female private parts.

I waited on several dinners with presentations like these. I even got a really nice pen with a picture of Candida Albicans on it, from Diflucan. I love that pen.

And unfortunately, the people who ask for very, very well done steaks, "but still moist, please" are so common that the sentence cannot even be considered strange. It's literally an everyday occurrence.

Probably the worst things I've heard came from a waitress who used to warn people against ordering the house coffee, as it had chicory in it and she didn't like chicory. She was also fond of telling people that Mahi-Mahi was too "fishy" for her tastes. It was such a shame that they never fired her. She was absolutely the least competent server I've ever met.

[ladybugseattle]

My junior year college roomate got a summer job bartending in Sperry's in Saratoga Springs NY. Lovely restaurant can't recommend it enough, still there I hope. I would go and keep him company and taste test his newly aquired mixing skills. Unfortunately his menu knowledge was even more untested. One sultry summer night the soup du jour was announced from his mouth as "gestapo"