Kitchen claustrophobia

[mizducky]

Living with, and taking care of, my elderly friend Mr. E as I do, I've found myself making innumerble disconcerting discoveries about my own household quirks. One such discovery has been that I'm not as good about sharing kitchen space as I thought I was.

Maybe it's because, in past situations in which I shared kitchen space, the other household member(s) weren't in the kitchen at the same time as me all that often ... and when they were, they tended to be on a similar page as me in terms of efficient movement. Mr. E is many lovely things, but efficient is not one of them. He tends to dawdle, rummage, woolgather, and sometimes just grind to a halt and stand there, distractedly watching me without saying anything--often just a few steps behind me.

And it drives me NUTS!!!! Especially the standing behind me and watching thing. I swear I can feel this twitchy sensation between my shoulder blades just writing about it. He's not doing any harm--likely as not, the poor dude is having a senior moment and got distracted by whatever it is I'm bustling about. But tell that to the twitchy spot between my shoulderblades.

And I feel bad about my reaction. I mean, it's not the world's biggest kitchen, but it's certainly manageable, and hey, it's his kitchen after all, he has every right to be in there. It's just that, like a cat, he has this magic ability to be exactly wherever I need to be just when I'm about to go there, so I'm either stuck continually shooing him away from whatever location he's woolgathering in, or just giving up and leaving the kitchen until he slowly meanders his way to whatever snack or sandwich he was intent on fixing for himself.

And as to reasoning with him about how best to share kitchen space ... well, let's just say that it's not a concept he's apt to get his brain wrapped around.

Does anybody else have funny foibles like this in the kitchen? Or other related problems with well-intentioned people sharing their kitchen space?

Edited February 13, 2008 by mizducky (log)

[miladyinsanity]

I share a kitchen with 10 people here, and I've taken to eating at odd hours because I just hate it when people are standing behind me ANYWHERE, much less in the kitchen.

[Fat Guy]

For me I think the issue is that cooking is a meditative activity. I like to lose myself in it and prefer as few unplanned disruptions as possible. If I'm planning to undertake a cooking project with others, I know it's going to involve sharing space and that may even be part of the pleasure of it. But if I'm planning a solitary cooking endeavor and all of a sudden a person appears in my workspace and interrupts my meditation, I find it annoying. I guess I just need to be more Zen about it, but it really irks me. There are 24 hours in a day and I'm only in the kitchen for a tiny slice of that time. Why can't everybody else use the kitchen during the whole rest of the day and night? Sometimes I feel like I'm a kitchen magnet: as soon as I pull out the cutting board everybody gets the idea to come in and start doing stuff.

[Chris Hennes]

Until a couple years ago the chore split was that I cook, and my wife did the dishes. Well, this typically meant that she was in the kitchen cleaning up from breakfast while I was cooking dinner. I have a huge kitchen, it's the whole reason I rent the apartment I do. But I couldn't stand it! When I am cooking, I want the kitchen to myself. I'm not sure in quite the way Steven does, since most days making dinner is not really that therapeutic, but for whatever reason I get pretty grumpy when I have to share my kitchen space. So a couple years ago I took over the dishes chore: now, the kitchen is basically mine. I still hate doing the dishes, but it's better than sharing the kitchen!

[Anna N]

Living with, and taking care of, my elderly friend Mr. E as I do, I've found myself making innumerble disconcerting discoveries about my own household quirks. One such discovery has been that I'm not as good about sharing kitchen space as I thought I was.

Maybe it's because, in past situations in which I shared kitchen space, the other household member(s) weren't in the kitchen at the same time as me all that often ... and when they were, they tended to be on a similar page as me in terms of efficient movement. Mr. E is many lovely things, but efficient is not one of them. He tends to dawdle, rummage, woolgather, and sometimes just grind to a halt and stand there, distractedly watching me without saying anything--often just a few steps behind me.

And it drives me NUTS!!!! Especially the standing behind me and watching thing. I swear I can feel this twitchy sensation between my shoulder blades just writing about it. He's not doing any harm--likely as not, the poor dude is having a senior moment and got distracted by whatever it is I'm bustling about. But tell that to the twitchy spot between my shoulderblades.

And I feel bad about my reaction. I mean, it's not the world's biggest kitchen, but it's certainly manageable, and hey, it's his kitchen after all, he has every right to be in there. It's just that, like a cat, he has this magic ability to be exactly wherever I need to be just when I'm about to go there, so I'm either stuck continually shooing him away from whatever location he's woolgathering in, or just giving up and leaving the kitchen until he slowly meanders his way to whatever snack or sandwich he was intent on fixing for himself.

And as to reasoning with him about how best to share kitchen space ... well, let's just say that it's not a concept he's apt to get his brain wrapped around. 

Does anybody else have funny foibles like this in the kitchen? Or other related problems with well-intentioned people sharing their kitchen space?

←

Excuse me! Just when did you start living with MY husband?

[hummingbirdkiss]

I understand for sure MizDucky! I am fine with a bunch of folks in the same momentum I am in the kitchen ...I have some dear friends..my mother and my youngest son ..who are all completely in the same rhythm with each other and no matter how crushed we are in each others kitchens we do not feel in each other's way ..we "dance" well together...

then there are the folks that wander aimlessly asking to help but not really knowing what to do ..or like you said stainding right behind you (THAT DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!) ..sometimes I will turn in a moment with a heavy pot and I am afraid I will knock them over!

My resolve is to just hand them a knife and something to cut up and show them to a table or a corner of the counter where they are far from me as I am moving ...so I dont hurt them with my clumbsiness or HURT them with a tantrum!

I am building a new kitchen downstairs ...when I pay off a million bills and can settle on how to do it ....we dont hire contractors and do all our own work so there is a lot to think about in the planning...(off topic but obviously on my mind! )

the kitchen I use now is very small but functional ..and is behind a big wall ...people do wander in to see me and taste things ...and get under my bare feet!!!

I am so lucky to have 1000 square feet of potential space... I just want to build a great big open kitchen..with some kind of barrier were people can be close to me ..help if they want to ..but not in the line of fire ...literally

now I just need money, energy and a plan

Edited February 13, 2008 by hummingbirdkiss (log)

[helenjp]

Yes, I hear you. I don't think it's possible to expect yourself to be perfect sweetness and light all the time - just keep reminding yourself that dinner will get done, efficiently or inefficiently, it's no big deal...

A relative lived with us for quite a few years - he has a chronic mental illness which means that he is slow to learn new things, and doesn't have the best grasp of cause and effect. Then he lost his job, so he was at home A LOT, and lonely. And then he started going to a program where he learned some cooking skills.

This lead to things like "practicing chopping cabbage" which involved hours of very slow chopping, preventing me getting into the kitchen at all to make myself some lunch.

When I was making dinner, he tended to hang over my shoulder and either asking me about everything, or telling me how a professional (such as himself) would do things , Not to mention using up entire bottles of sesame oil in frying one dish of chopped cabbage for his lunch, "because it's so healthy".

Dishwashing for one meal was his responsibility, and it took literally hours, and who knows how much water. I would nearly weep trying to find things like saucepan lids, which had been neatly put away in the potato bin, "because there was a gap there just the right size."

I never did find the solution to that, but switched to Corelware, and tried not to put anything unfamiliar in the washing-up!

Bless the fellow, he has not a malicious bone in his body, but I definitely felt that my territory was being invaded. And I admit to a sense of relief that he now lives closer to his work center.

As for the hovering problem, I think that if the hoverer wants company, what works for me is: putting a comfortable chair in the kitchen and planting him in it, then inviting him to tell me all about "the perfect method of carrying a saucepan", or giving him a magazine about very healthy food and getting him to talk to me about it while I get the cooking done.

Another tip is to put a heavy cover over the dining table, and take food that needs preparation in there and do it sitting down - with him in another chair at the table. Somehow the table protected my "space" a little more!

Can you put some small thing up in the kitchen that you really love to look at, so that you can look at it and mentally "escape" to your own space from time to time?

[HungryChris]

I have worked in a crowded kitchen as a line cook and not had a problem because for the most part we were all of a sole purpose. We knew what was supposed to happen and what we wanted to avoid. Throw in a distracted bystander and we would have all flipped. I don't think it's the fact that you are in a kitchen, but the fact that you got the "bubble people" effect going on. The "bubble people" are those who for whatever reason lose track of the fact that they do share the world. I think we have all been behind the person who walks into a supermarket and stops to read the flyer in the doorway. We can forgive them if we need to, but they drive us all mad.

HC

[annecros]

My darling husband. I adore him, he is the best thing that ever happened to myself and my kids, the salt of the earth.

But he drives me nuts when he invades my space.

Usually when I am doing a large meal for a family gathering and timing is critical and I am holding it all in my head.

He is also very complimentary of my cooking skills, knows that I can cook, that I cook well, and loves having great food delivered to him by an adoring wife. Then all of a sudden some sort of mental state sets in, and he has to "help" me with the hollandaise that he has never turned a hand to in his entire life.

The hollandaise broke as I was yelling at him to get out of my kitchen. I was so angry, and it was one of the few demonstrations of my temper getting out of hand.

I don't understand. I don't tell him how to mow the lawn.

[racheld]

Two words: folded arms.

Anybody standing around with their arms tucked in, just watching me, drives me bats. I'm a meditative cook, a story-on-the-Bose type, and any dance is a solo. It used to be great fun when the children were growing up, in our big kitchen, everybody with a station at the LOOONNNGG kitchen bar and counters, with the food just pouring out in great quantities to be delivered to parties and gatherings. Then came the getting there, the setting up, with hosts and guests just standing AROUND.

And if anyone loves children, it's me, but hosts' children---you can ask them to move just so many times, and then you're ready to retreat home with all your pretty platters and spoons.

I arrived once to find the resident five-year-old, aproned up and eager, ready to drag that little step-stool to EVERY SINGLE SPOT I needed to BE at that moment, and her beaming parents, so proud of her talents in the kitchen. I DO love teaching little ones to cook, but in the press of one-hour-til-service is not the time to be instructing, dodging and smiling grimly through set teeth. T'aint fair to the guests, hosts or kids.

rachel,

who once took in four neighbors during an ice storm, all the while cooking for a party of 200, and decorating a wedding cake around the eight-year-old's busy questions and busier fingers.

The Mom didn't get in my way---she was too busy being wrapped in my afghan in my chair by my fireplace with one of my books.

[Sony]

Actually, I think how I feel with a particular person in the kitchen is a good barometer for how I regard them in general. I've only ever had 2 really horrible housemates, but I particularly didn't like being in the kitchen with them. Come to think of it, I think their lack of consideration in the kitchen was a big factor in disliking the living situation!

Once, when I was living in a 2-person apartment, my apartment mate decided to move in with her boyfriend and basically sub-leased to the 1st person she could find. (Crappy situation, but I figured it couldn't be THAT bad.....)This new person was a piece of work. There were a lot of things in general that got under my skin...but the point of no return for me was when I opened up a usual cabinet to grab a can of tomatoes and I was faced with a case of her Hamburger Helper! My old apartment mate and I split cabinet space evenly, and it turns out my new roomie wanted to do the same- except she would get all the cabinet space within easy reach, and I would get the very lowest and highest shelves. She'd moved EVERYTHING without even talking with me! We managed to come to a more acceptable compromise, but after that, I really avoided her in the kitchen and ended up cooking most of the time at friends' places or where my significant other at the time lived. Even if she wasn't actively annoying me when we were in our kitchen together, that space was tainted!

I wonder what's worse- annoying kitchen situations where people are well-intentioned (or lack intention) or when people are somewhat malicious or passive-aggressive (as it turned out was the case with my former roomie)? I feel a little guilty when I get irritated by kitchen mannerisms that weren't intended to harm- but I'm relieved to see that I'm not alone.

Living by myself now, I'm often cooking solo, and I do sometimes miss having others in the kitchen with me. Maybe I've got "grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side" syndrome. Or maybe it's because when I have company or go to friends' places, we're invariably cooking together (vs. a cooking/lurking routine)? I just enjoy conversations that tend to come up while cooking with others...maybe because they're often about cooking. So now that I have the luxury to choose who I'm in the kitchen with, I guess I'm pretty selective....

[onehsancare]

I have a couple of friends who reported that they'd seen a great television show in Canada a few years ago. This is my third-hand lame report on a story about a husband (newly-retired?) who kept dogging his wife's heels in the kitchen.

The show was about how to train animals, and used the same technique on the husband. (Maybe it was the Dog Whisperer?) Every time the husband set foot in the kitchen, wife gave him an errand. "Oops, I forgot to get cinnamon at the store--can you go pick some up?" "Oh, can you move the clothes from the washer to the dryer?" I think it was called the Send command. Eventually, he stopped coming to the kitchen!

I don't know if your roommate is able to run outside errands, but are there inside things you could send him to do?

[I_call_the_duck]

^^Tough one, Sony.

Last Thanksgiving, my sister (the take-out queen) was hovering over my shoulder while I was trying to drain a not-very heavy pot of potatoes into the sink. I had to tell her to back off. I don’t even appreciate her big-sister tendency to watch over her little sister, since I’m 40, not four. Mom's house has a galley kitchen, and it gets pretty crowded with the actual cooks and the hangers-on. My BILs have the tendency to just stand there and stare (while sneaking tastes) while we're busy cooking, taking things out of the oven, whatever. And their kids are running through whining about being hungry.

Luckily, my kitchen at home is big enough for Mr. Duck and myself to work at the same time, especially after the renovations and the addition of more counterspace. Here, I don’t mind hangers-on since they could just sit at the counter or in the corner without getting in my way. *sigh*

Edited February 13, 2008 by I_call_the_duck (log)

[Special K]

My late MIL used to hover, too. We have a tiny kitchen and a very small dining room area. We solved the problem by moving the table over towards the (sort of in the) living room and putting in a couple of little but comfy chairs and a small table where the dining table was, so she could sit there (just a few feet away) and chat without being in the way. We've kept this arrangement, and now all of our guests who want to "hang out in the kitchen" can do so without driving us nuts. Now I just hope the two kittens we're about to adopt will get the message!

Sigh. I miss my MIL. She was the best thrift store shopping buddy ever!

K

[Niamh]

If I'm sharing a kitchen it's only ever likely to be at home, with my mum. She's definitely not a hoverer, in fact, just the opposite - she's all action. You put something down, even for a second, and before you know it, schoomp...its in the dishwasher, or worse, in a sinkful of greasy water, "soaking". Fits in well with her general housekeeping motto - if in doubt, throw it out!

[maggiethecat]

The vagueries of the kitchen design at my parents' house involves a kinda prune colored tile in the kitchen area which bleeds into a white-tiled surface in the en suite breakfast dining room.

Mummy was always happy to have prep help --potato peeling, cherry pitting -- to be performed at the table. When hoverers descended when she was finishing the Cumberland Sauce, or the Pavlova, she'd yell :"Off the Purple (Floor) Now!"

"Off the Purple!" has entered the family vocab when talking about boundary issues.

I'm lucky. The "violators" of my space have been mostly male friends, lovers, and husband, all cooks. Two strong arms to lift the stock pot? A man to admire my pastry technique? Fond hands under my apron? It's all good.

[racheld]

I missed mentioning the absolute luxury of having three children growing up in the kitchen, all learning to cook, prep AND clean, so that whatever you stir, cut, blend, cook or whisk with disappears from one side of you and magically appears, washed, sanitized and dried, on the other

[mizducky]

Thank you all for your responses! It helps to know that I'm not unique in freaking out at these personal space violations.

Dishwashing for one meal was his responsibility, and it took literally hours, and who knows how much water. I would nearly weep trying to find things like saucepan lids, which had been neatly put away in the potato bin, "because there was a gap there just the right size."

I never did find the solution to that, but switched to Corelware, and tried not to put anything unfamiliar in the washing-up!

I very early on had to ban Mr. E from either loading or unloading the dishwasher, for similar reasons. When he'd load the dishwasher, he'd put the dishes in so chaotically that I'd have to rearrange everything to get more dishes in than the few he'd plonked in. And his way of "unloading" consisted of being very good at putting away the stuff he'd kept in the same place for years and years ... and then guessing randomly at where stuff went that he didn't recognize, or else leaving the stuff piled on the kitchen counter (at least then I didn't have to guess where things had vanished to). And that's how it goes--yes, I do think it's great for him to take an interest, but when it means I have to re-do his work when he's not looking--or else deal with his miffed feelings when he did catch me re-doing his work--well, that gets kind of squirrelly for both of us.

As for the hovering problem, I think that if the hoverer wants company, what works for me is: putting a comfortable chair in the kitchen and planting him in it, then inviting him to tell me all about "the perfect method of carrying a saucepan", or giving him a magazine about very healthy food and getting him to talk to me about it while I get the cooking done.

Another tip is to put a heavy cover over the dining table, and take food that needs preparation in there and do it sitting down - with him in another chair at the table. Somehow the table protected my "space" a little more!

Can you put some small thing up in the kitchen that you really love to look at, so that you can look at it and mentally "escape" to your own space from time to time?

←

These are all great suggestions. I shall give them a try.

I don't think it's the fact that you are in a kitchen, but the fact that you got the "bubble people" effect going on. The "bubble people" are those who for whatever reason lose track of the fact that they do share the world. I think we have all been behind the person who walks into a supermarket and stops to read the flyer in the doorway. We can forgive them if we need to, but they drive us all mad.

←

Oh god. The people who obliviously block traffic in the supermarket drive me to distraction too. Sometime I think it's the leftover New Yorker in me--I want people to lead, follow, or get out of the way; I could care less which one, but pick one, and pick it now!

I have a couple of friends who reported that they'd seen a great television show in Canada a few years ago.  This is my third-hand lame report on a story about a husband (newly-retired?) who kept dogging his wife's heels in the kitchen.

The show was about how to train animals, and used the same technique on the husband.  (Maybe it was the Dog Whisperer?)  Every time the husband set foot in the kitchen, wife gave him an errand.  "Oops, I forgot to get cinnamon at the store--can you go pick some up?"  "Oh, can you move the clothes from the washer to the dryer?"  I think it was called the Send command.  Eventually, he stopped coming to the kitchen!

I don't know if your roommate is able to run outside errands, but are there inside things you could send him to do?

←

That won't help so much when Mr. E's on his own meandering kitchen mission to "fix himself a snack" (incidentally leaving a trail of forgotten knives, jars, and smears behind wherever he worked), but I might yet find ways to adapt this strategy to when he starts hovering while I'm laboring to get dinner finished.

Edited February 15, 2008 by mizducky (log)

[prasantrin]

There are very few people with whom I can share a kitchen, but for me, it's not about being annoyed with people being underfoot or out-of-sync with my style, but it's all about control. My kitchen is pretty much the only place where I have complete control over what goes on. At work, I have very little control (any teacher that tells you they're in total control is lying), and often times, it's very draining. So I come home and cook or bake, and it makes me feel like I have at least a wee bit of power left in me.

[miladyinsanity]

There are very few people with whom I can share a kitchen, but for me, it's not about being annoyed with people being underfoot or out-of-sync with my style, but it's all about control.  My kitchen is pretty much the only place where I have complete control over what goes on.  At work, I have very little control (any teacher that tells you they're in total control is lying), and often times, it's very draining.  So I come home and cook or bake, and it makes me feel like I have at least a wee bit of power left in me.

←

I feel exactly the same way, and living with 8 other people right now makes it rather difficult to do something like that because most of the 8 other people do things in the kitchen that make me want to scream.