Being a chef and a parent

[Fat Guy]

I meet plenty of chefs who are parents, and I'm always amazed that it's possible. Setting aside the question of how a chef is even going to meet a person with whom to procreate, how in the world do chefs manage to handle the responsibilities of parenting.

I used to work at a big law firm, so I know from long hours. But I know how it's possible to be a big-firm lawyer and a parent: first, you have a ton of money so you can hire all sorts of caregivers and have your kids participate in every after-school program, travel program and summer camp in the universe; second, the whole structure of school, weekends, holidays, etc., is designed around the normal professional work-week; third, nobody expects you to last more than three or four years at a big law firm, and if you do last until partnership you gain a lot more flexibility. Chefs, on the other hand, rarely make enough money to do much more than pay the rent, work at the exact times kids are most likely to be home (evenings, weekends, holidays), and even many of the most successful chefs are still in the kitchen all the time, at all the worst times.

I experience the same amazement with respect to just about anybody in the restaurant business. I'd be very interested to hear how you handle partenting, chefs, cooks, pastry chefs, not to mention servers, restaurant managers, etc.

[TJHarris]

Good Question, FG!

I have a seven yr. old and a nine year old. I have been trying to figure out the balancing act for some time now. For me it seems to come down to having a very dedicated and understanding wife and trying to make the most of every minute you have with the kids.

[Jeebus]

I am about to turn 34. I have 3 kids 17,13, and 3, a 1 year old grandchild and two teenage foster daughters. Between professional lives and home life there really is no other time.

I am slightly fortunate that I work for a large hotel and while I do work nights they will not allow any of their mangers to work more than 55 hours a week(they are too worried about getting sued for overtime later).

Having had kids and starting cooking at a young age was a huge challenge to balance the two, also once the family is there, taking on that dream job for the experience goes right out the window, along with trying to stage wherever you might like.

With me we decided that it would be best for my wife to stay home. Better to have one parent all the time than her working as well, being raised by a babysitter

[newguy]

I'm 34, work about 70 hours a week, give or take and i have 2 kids 20 months and 4 months. It's all up to the wife basically. she works full time, but from home most of the week. we pay for day care some times which is a fortune. and we are lucky the parents live close and they pitch in often. however, i have 1 day off and on that day off i watch 2 kids. watching 2 kids isn't easy at all, let alone smashed in between all that work. i suppose that that helps keep the anger and agression up while i'm at work. i mean if i was happy all the time, i wouldn't be able to be a chef...

i mean, i think you'd be hard pressed to find chefs that are able to stay married, let alone have kids. thats not sarcasm either. most chefs i know have been divorced at least once.

[chromedome]

Mornings were important for me (I wasn't a chef when my kids were younger, but I worked long hours in retail and that's just as bad). I was usually not there in the afternoons and evenings, but I was there in the morning to preside over breakfast and get them off to school (when they were pre-schoolers, of course, that was even better). I'd usually nap a bit before work, while my ex took over on the kid supervision. That compensated for getting up early after a late night, in my case. I know not everybody can nap effectively, but it worked (works) for me.

Weekend mornings were best. Then we'd have a lot of time together and I'd make pancakes or waffles and we'd just linger at the table and enjoy each other's company for as long as we could reasonably sit. My kids are both very intelligent and very funny, so mealtimes were generally uproarious. Even during the last few months, as my ex and I prepared to go our separate ways, any time the four of us were gathered at the table we laughed our heads off.

There are a lot of good memories around that table.

[FabulousFoodBabe]

Very good topic, FG.

It's easier when the kids are little, and their schedules can be formed to yours. When I started my business, years ago, I had a 2 year old and a 6-month old. When I needed to be in the kitchen at 7 a.m., I got them up at 4 and we hung out a little bit. The sitter's job was to bring them over to the kitchen when I had time. They could also stay up late. Not quite so easy when they got into school, and then when other issues called for attention. We juggled an au pair and day care, and took turns picking the kids up and taking them places.

I was also a lot younger and could function well on less sleep!

I had a rule about not working from noon on the 23rd of December, until after New Year's. Since my business started out as a catering business and then blossomed into something else, I worked hard to develop a business clientele, so I could have weekends and holidays more flexible.

My husband had a boss who completely disapproved of my working so much and gave him a terrible time about coming to work at 8:10 instead of 8:00 on the days he had to drop the kids at day care. He would corner me, and the working mothers in his employ, at business functions and criticize us about how much we were working. Anyway, it made things even more stressful for us at home. That, we just didn't need, but it was a fact of life (and a private company -- today, the man would be sued and reprimanded).

So I guess we always just did the best we could. Funny thing: when we relocated and I started working for other people, it was a lot easier.

[chefAZ]

Im 23, Ive been married for 5 years and have two wonderful daughters, one is 4 and our newest one is 9 months. Being a Father, Husband and Chef.....well its a peice of cake....no problem at all! Nothing to it!

Yeah, right! I think making the most of the time you Do have with your family is THE most important part of making it work. I work with a lot of single guys who go to the bar and drink after service, or just hang out untill the wee hours of the morning and then get up early to do it all again. As for me, that aint happening. I got to make it home for my shifts with feeding and diaper duty!

Its tough, especially because I started so young....and you know it takes alot of commitment from both sides, which is why I consider myself lucky. Lucky to have such a great wife that supports me.

Another side to this is: what type of career do you want as a chef? Hotels or Restaurant?

I started in Hotels, which is what tends to cater to a family man...like myself. But as I developed a passion for cooking I started going into the restaurant side of the spectrum, one that definatly does not cater to family guys!

So now I must be very careful how I play my cards. Currently the way I have been surviving: Celebrity Chefs siging contracts with hotels! Thus, hotel pay working for great chefs! Downside: Union cooks........

[dvs]

speaking from the front of the house, it's all about the mornings. My husband until recently worked 70+ hours a week as the GM of a busy restaurant. even though he'd work until 2am and get to sleep at 3am or so, when i would go to take a shower at 7am, he'd wake up & play with our (now 3 years old) daughter until we left for work/school.

we've been married for 8.5 years and both met while managing restaurants in SF, so we understood the lifestyle and the hours. that said, there is no way, unless we owned, that we could both manage restaurants now.

so, i happily made the switch to the wine industry, working m-f / 9-5 making more $

Edited April 30, 2007 by dvs (log)

[Timh]

I'm 40's, divorced father of two little girls(3,5) The realities of my job, and their scheduals, allows only Sat and Sun, and i have a nanny from sat afternoon till I get off. At this time its all that can be worked out, so I make the most of our time together. The summer is both their free time and my busy season, so I'll need tobe creative in making qualitytime for them.

[Basildog]

Great topic.

Father of 2 (Becky turns 5 next week, Daniel is 17months exactly).It's all down to the Mums, lets be honest.If your a hard working chef, doing the hours, then the mum is doing eactly the same.I'm in the position of being my own boss of a very small bistro, so i been able to change some things to make the time to be a Dad.I take B to school every day, so we get a few mins to talk.Actually, she sings, i listen.I don't work Sundays,(family day or Dada Day as Becky used to call it) and we go swimming on a Monday night, my other day off.The whole family come to work most days after school,so we can see each other, and occasionally Becky come to work with me for a couple of hours on a Saturday to make bread and hang out.Tuesdays is "Rainbows" so she come to work after school, has dinner with me, and then i walk her up the road to her group.We close for about 6 weeks a year,January and late November, so that does give us some time.I don't think my situation is that bad,not many Dads get to do the school run every day, plus i get all day Sunday and a half day with them Mondays.Not complaining.Mums don't get a day off.

[Basildog]

Interesting point from Fat Guys original post ..who do chefs hook up with longterm to have children with?

I met my wife when she was a student, then she went into retail,then she became a waitress so we could spend time together.Then she became a Mum

[TJHarris]

Interesting point from Fat Guys original post ..who do chefs hook up with longterm to have children with?

I met my wife when she was a student, then she went into retail,then she became a waitress so we could spend time together.Then she became a Mum

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I met my wife while I was a hotel pastry chef. She was the hotel's reservation department manager. The staff enterance was by the pastry kitchen. I saw her coming and going everyday. A friend locked us in the pastry kitchen walk-in cooler until we made a date. We have been together for 14 years and married for nearly twelve.

[greenbean]

When I was in culinary school, I had to interview an Executive Chef and write a paper. I decided to look for a female chef who had young children so I could pick her brain on how she manages her life. Problem? I couldn't find any, not one (and I live in a large city). I shouldn't have been surprised though, it's not any easy thing.

You see, I am the Mom, so I don't have a wife at home to pick up the slack. I left a job that required me to work every Friday, Saturday, Sunday and all holidays because that gave me little free time with my family. My husband and I have an agreement that we will always have time for each other and our children. He has not pursued a higher position with his company because it would mean much longer hours. I have looked for family friendly places and found a great job with great hours (M-F, 8-4:30) and very understanding people. I could have worked at more high end places, but at what cost? I don't want to be divorced, I actually like my husband.

I recently left my family friendly place and I am looking to do something else. I loved what I did, but even those (relatively short) hours left me tapped out at the end of the day. I still had to go home and cook, clean, give baths, check homework and be something to everyone.

Now I am trying to figure out what to do next. I love working with food, but I don't want to cook all day. I was in management/administrative/HR/etc. before doing pastry work, and I've been thinking about how to use all of my past experience to do something new. If anyone has any suggestions, I would be very grateful.

[alanamoana]

why don't you consider doing admin of some sort at a culinary school? if you live in a big city, there is probably at least one school or trade school that has a culinary option. that way, you'd still be involved somewhat in the industry and you'd be doing work a little less stressful but still different than regular office work.

[fitzy]

Basildog I like your approach to trying to balance the restaurant and family situation and I also like the look of your restaurant. One question though (and I know this is personal but I'm curious as I have three young kids myself and am considering something similar in the near future) - is money a major issue as well as time? Have you cracked that also? Feel free to ignore this if its too personal.

[worldtoughmilkman]

Basildog I like your approach to trying to balance the restaurant and family situation and I also like the look of your restaurant. One question though (and I know this is personal but I'm curious as I have three young kids myself and am considering something similar in the near future) - is money a major issue as well as time? Have you cracked that also?  Feel free to ignore this if its too personal.

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This is an incredibly pertinant topic. I have been married for 9 years and have two very active boys. I worked 80-100 hours for 6 of my oldest sons first 8 years. In the end, I had to choose one or the other. I am not able to balance like some people. In the kitchen, I need to be there constantly to feel immersed or I could not do my job. I wound up taking a position with a supermarket company and have re-connected with my family in a big way. I had the guilts at first about "selling out" and I miss the "runners high" one gets in a busy kitchen, but cooking for and with my children and being able to sit with them every night is a trade that I would make every time. I have so much respect for those that can do both. A really great question/observation FG.

[reenicake]

why don't you consider doing admin of some sort at a culinary school?  if you live in a big city, there is probably at least one school or trade school that has a culinary option.  that way, you'd still be involved somewhat in the industry and you'd be doing work a little less stressful but still different than regular office work.

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Personally, I think it is key that chefs who marry chefs and have kids have a plan. My husband and I worked first separately then side by side (I on pastry, he on the line as poissonier) until just before our wedding. We knew starting a family meant one of us would need a "regular" job or we would never know our kid(s). So I pursued what had been until then a temporary, "stopgap after 9/11" teaching job at a cooking school, while he stayed in the kitchen (it's an independent restaurant but in a large hotel, so we get hotel employee benefits) for the health insurance.

Our son is now almost 3, and I've swung into working 12 4-hour classes a week at two schools, 6 days out of the week (right now it's 7 days a week, I have two half-days). Typically: up at 7 and off to 8:45 class while DH makes breakfast and looks after the kid, drops him off at preschool 3 days a week before working the dinner shift, supersitter picks up DS and stays until we both get home at 11:30/12. I work all weekend 9-6; Saturdays are granpa/granma time and Sundays are Daddy day. Some weekends I work a triple (9 AM-11 PM) because we don't have to pay the sitter.

It makes me crazy, thinking about how much money for a good education, a house, college, etc. Would we have this problem if we were lawyers or accountants? No. We would just not be able to stand the sight of ourselves in the mirror. We're a line guy and a former line girl turned chef instructor, and we've got a brilliant son who is growing up knowing the value of loving what you do for a living.

[fitzy]

This is an incredibly pertinant topic. I have been married for 9 years and have two very active boys. I worked 80-100 hours for 6 of my oldest sons first 8 years. In the end, I had to choose one or the other. I am not able to balance like some people. In the kitchen, I need to be there constantly to feel immersed or I could not do my job. I wound up taking a position with a supermarket company and have re-connected with my family in a big way. I had the guilts at first about "selling out" and I miss the "runners high" one gets in a busy kitchen, but cooking for and with my children and being able to sit with them every night is a trade that I would make every time. I have so much respect for those that can do both. A really great question/observation FG.

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Cheers for that worldtoughmilkman. Thats interesting to hear because I have a suspicion that I could fall into the same category. I had a job until recently that required a huge commitment in terms of time and mental energy and definitely my family life suffered. I've changed jobs now and have a lot more family time as a result which I'm loving. I think the culinary ambitions may have to wait until the kids are a bit older. I'm 38 now and my youngest is 3 months - sure when he's 18 I'll only be 56. No Problems then!!

BTW Great username. I used to love that comic.

[worldtoughmilkman]

This is an incredibly pertinant topic. I have been married for 9 years and have two very active boys. I worked 80-100 hours for 6 of my oldest sons first 8 years. In the end, I had to choose one or the other. I am not able to balance like some people. In the kitchen, I need to be there constantly to feel immersed or I could not do my job. I wound up taking a position with a supermarket company and have re-connected with my family in a big way. I had the guilts at first about "selling out" and I miss the "runners high" one gets in a busy kitchen, but cooking for and with my children and being able to sit with them every night is a trade that I would make every time. I have so much respect for those that can do both. A really great question/observation FG.

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Cheers for that worldtoughmilkman. Thats interesting to hear because I have a suspicion that I could fall into the same category. I had a job until recently that required a huge commitment in terms of time and mental energy and definitely my family life suffered. I've changed jobs now and have a lot more family time as a result which I'm loving. I think the culinary ambitions may have to wait until the kids are a bit older. I'm 38 now and my youngest is 3 months - sure when he's 18 I'll only be 56. No Problems then!!

BTW Great username. I used to love that comic.

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It goes by so fast! I literally missed over half of my older sons life and am still making up for lost time, not to mention re-connecting with my wife. You are the first person to recognize the origin of my screen name. I still read through those comics every now and then. very funny and great artwork. Good luck in finding a position that works for the family!

[Basildog]

Basildog I like your approach to trying to balance the restaurant and family situation and I also like the look of your restaurant. One question though (and I know this is personal but I'm curious as I have three young kids myself and am considering something similar in the near future) - is money a major issue as well as time? Have you cracked that also?  Feel free to ignore this if its too personal.

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Money is not great.I don't earn a great deal, just about enough to cover the bills.I drive a very old car, we plan to have our first holiday in 4 years in the autumn.Don't get me wrong , i ain't complaining, i get to live in a very nice part of the country,work 5 days a week, and have got a decent balance of home/work.If you want to make money, open a StarBucks, if you want to have fun, open a bistro.Best of luck with your plans.

[fitzy]

Cheers for that Basildog,

I drive an old banger myself and I found out last year that taking a couple of small kids on foreign holidays isn't always great fun so maybe I'm halfway there. There's direct flights from Cork in Ireland where I live to Cornwall now so maybe I'll drop in someday soon. I'll leave the kids at home and tell my wife I'm doing research for "our future career".

[Basildog]

Drop in anytime,more than welcome.I don't know why, but i thought you were American.Ireland is soo much nearer

[fitzy]

Drop in anytime,more than welcome.I don't know why, but i thought you were American.Ireland is soo much nearer

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Sure if it was any closer we wouldn't need cheap flights - I could swim