You know you are in a bad restaurant when....

[Suzanne F]

The menu offers steak "cooked to your liking." Or worse yet, "to your likeness."

[beans]

The menu offers steak "cooked to your liking." Or worse yet, "to your likeness."

[PopsicleToze]

The logo contains an animal dressed in overalls and a smile on its face

[Kenk]

....It smells bad!

...Has more than 2 specials with length descriptions the poor waiter has to repeat. My head starts to hurt trying to remember what was said. I would prefer to see it written down on a sheet of paper, or a chalk board or menu on the wall.

[ludja]

... a roach runs across your table

or...

a roach is baked into your pizza.

Point this out to waiter who is completely unfazed; then asks if you'd like another one (pizza that is)

true story

[bourdain]

...there's Bruce Willis memorabilia on the wall

...the line is longer at the gift shop than for tables

...salad or "fixins" bar in evidence

...the name sounds anything like TGI McFunster's

..."antique" road signs, Americana, "old" toys on wall

...fajitas AND pizza on same menu

...waiter says "My name is Chad--I'm an Aquarius--and I'll be your server tonight."

....the words "jumbo" or "garden-fresh" or" free" or "two-for-one" appear on menu

...nonsensical restaurant name chosen by committee as in "Macaroni Grill"

...folksy name: ie: "Cap'n anybody's" or "Ye Olde" or the "Rusty anything"

..sno-cone margarita machine cranking out crap frozen drinks

..small kitchen yet enormous menu (except in case of Big Nick's in NYC)

...glowing review from Sheldon Landwehr in front window

...Early Bird Special

...bartenders with arm garters and Gay 90's decor

...live jazz on Sundays

...no meat

[bilrus]

The logo contains an animal dressed in overalls and a smile on its face

This is also a common occurance at some pretty good BBQ places. Maybe they are exempt?

Pizza by the slice places might also be exempt from some of these rules - paper plates, vinyl tablecloths...

[tryska]

i think bourdain about summed it up.

[beans]

i think bourdain about summed it up.

quite well too

The memorbilia on the wall reminded me of underwear that was show cased because it was worn by a rockstar and hanging in the middle of the diningroom.

[sammy]

Joe Queenan rants about this stuff in his very funny book, "Red Lobster, White Trash and the Blue Lagoon." Although it covers commentary on movies, tv, entertainers, etc. it spends a fair amount of time on restaurants. It is laugh out loud funny, especially the bit on Red Lobster.

Now that I think of it, he reminds me a little of Bourdain.

[Country Cook]

When there's a sign outside that says billions and billions served.

[Carolyn Tillie]

Items are served in a basket.

You mean like Rocco's!?!?!?!

[sammy]

Most of the cutomers are wearing shiny sweat suits with elastic waitbands.

[sammy]

.... and the operating hours are 4:30 PM to 8:30 PM for dinner.

[GG Mora]

...the music playing not-so-softly in the background is Vivaldi's Four Seasons or Pachelbel's Canon. Or the soundtrack from "Out of Africa".

[Busboy]

When "mom" has stubble and a tattoo

When even the plastic flowers are dead

When the server is wearing 15 promtional buttons

When the entire staff is assembled around a table singing "happy birthday."

[Al_Dente]

... any item on the menu is described as "World Famous". Like a common topic of conversation in Mongolia is the quality of the World Famous Nachos at Restaurant X.

[sammy]

When the entire staff is assembled around a table singing "happy birthday."

Although there is quite a bit of this going on at Peter Luger's.

[elyse]

Vinyl tablecloths.

The condiments come in squeeze packets.

What's wrong with these?

malcolmjolley Posted: Dec 2 2003, 12:16 PM  

Items are served in a basket. 

And this?

NolaFoodie Posted: Dec 2 2003, 01:36 PM 

The logo contains an animal dressed in overalls and a smile on its face 

And....

Edited December 2, 2003 by elyse (log)

[elyse]

..."antique" road signs, Americana,  "old" toys on wall

Used to be an excellent place on 16th st. in San Fran with tons of old crap on the walls. GREAT greasy comfort food. What a dream.

..small kitchen yet enormous menu (except in case of Big Nick's in NYC)

BURGER JOINT, Tony! Chrissakes! You should know better.

[Janedujour]

1. The floors are being mopped while you're eating.

2. Your waitress uses the same dirty rag to wipe down each table.

[KatieLoeb]

...there's Bruce Willis memorabilia on the wall

...the line is longer at the gift shop than for tables

...salad or "fixins" bar in evidence

...the name sounds anything like TGI McFunster's

..."antique" road signs, Americana, "old" toys on wall

...fajitas AND pizza on same menu

...waiter says "My name is Chad--I'm an Aquarius--and I'll be your server tonight."

....the words "jumbo" or "garden-fresh" or" free" or "two-for-one" appear on menu

...nonsensical restaurant name chosen by committee as in "Macaroni Grill"

...folksy name: ie: "Cap'n anybody's" or "Ye Olde" or the "Rusty anything"

..sno-cone margarita machine cranking out crap frozen drinks

..small kitchen yet enormous menu (except in case of Big Nick's in NYC)

...glowing review from Sheldon Landwehr in front window

...Early Bird Special

...bartenders with arm garters and Gay 90's decor

...live jazz on Sundays

...no meat

...the "pub" looks like it was decorated by the marketing department at Guiness.

[Al_Dente]

... the bartender refills your water glass with the soda gun WHILE YOU'RE DRINKING FROM THE GLASS!

True story-- happened a few nights ago at an Old Town restaurant known to some local eGulleters.

[Janedujour]

The condiments in packets can occasionally be appreciated, considering the alternative "Heinz" ketchup bottle that has sat on the table for months and just keeps getting refilled with cheap watery crap that starts to ferment!

[jwagnerdsm]

Your kids get a toy with their meal.

The waitress apologizes that your food took so long because "our microwave is on the fritz."