Eating out when you're claustrophobic

[Terrasanct]

I have claustrophobia/agorophobia. Most of the time it's not a big deal; I just tend to avoid certain situations. If someone stands very close, I have to keep backing up. It's just the way I am.

When I go out to dinner, if at all possible, I request a table that's not within touching distance of another table. Given that I have severe allergies as well, I hope not to have to smell someone's perfume or cigarette smoke.

I'm a good diner, I'd never make a fuss about something that I couldn't help. I tip decently and am polite to waiters. I just can't stand being wedged in with other people.

Went to a nice little place last night, got there right as they opened, hoping to eat early and get back to our motel room. The whole place was empty. We picked a spot in a corner, hoping that it wouldn't get crowded too soon.

The next couple that came in, given the choice of where to sit, sat RIGHT NEXT TO US, in fact, since their table was up higher, it was like sitting under a vulture's scrutiny. It was very uncomfortable. I'm sure they were nice people who had no clue that their being right next to me was making me anxious.

My question is--what would you do in this situation? Would you ask the waitress to move you? Would that seem rude? Would you just sit there with the people right next to you?

I wasn't really sure if there was an appropriate action.

Please don't tell me not to go out to eat if I can't be around people. Usually it's not so bad, and if it's crowded when we get there I deal with it. But WHY would you sit next to someone if there's room? The waitress didn't tell them where to sit. Do some people just get lonely in the dining room?

[Jaymes]

I have claustrophobia/agorophobia.  Most of the time it's not a big deal; I just tend to avoid certain situations.  If someone stands very close, I have to keep backing up.  It's just the way I am.

When I go out to dinner, if at all possible, I request a table that's not within touching distance of another table.  Given that I have severe allergies as well, I hope not to have to smell someone's perfume or cigarette smoke.

I'm a good diner, I'd never make a fuss about something that I couldn't help.  I tip decently and am polite to waiters.  I just can't stand being wedged in with other people.

Went to a nice little place last night, got there right as they opened, hoping to eat early and get back to our motel room.  The whole place was empty.  We picked a spot in a corner, hoping that it wouldn't get crowded too soon.

The next couple that came in, given the choice of where to sit, sat RIGHT NEXT TO US, in fact, since their table was up higher, it was like sitting under a vulture's scrutiny.  It was very uncomfortable.  I'm sure they were nice people who had no clue that their being right next to me was making me anxious.

My question is--what would you do in this situation?  Would you ask the waitress to move you?  Would that seem rude?  Would you just sit there with the people right next to you?

I wasn't really sure if there was an appropriate action.

Please don't tell me not to go out to eat if I can't be around people.  Usually it's not so bad, and if it's crowded when we get there I deal with it.  But WHY would you sit next to someone if there's room?  The waitress didn't tell them where to sit.  Do some people just get lonely in the dining room?

You know, that's a really tough one, I think.

Of COURSE you should go out to eat. And I'm not one bit claustro/agorophobic, but I neither like nor understand it when somebody comes in anywhere I am, restaurant, movie, public transportation, etc., and with the entire place empty, chooses to sit right by me. I don't think it's odd that I feel that way....I think it's a very common 'human' thing to expect the rest of society to sort of adhere to an unwritten rule of spacing...you know?

In the case you describe, were I you, it would have been very difficult. I wouldn't have wanted to get up and move...it would look rude, and strange.

But I also wouldn't have wanted to sit there and pay for an uncomfortable experience.

I probably would have spilt my water and then apologized profusely while I moved.

[Terrasanct]

Hey, I like that idea!

[docsconz]

This is a tough one that I'm not sure anyone else can answer for you as it is impossible for anyone else to be precisely in your shoes and feel what you are feeling at any time. Even with the water spilling technique it would be tricky to do without appearing rude. I would suggest in the future trying to be proactive and explain your needs to the maitre d' or equivalent and perhaps offer a tip to encourage accommodation.

[srhcb]

While I'm not technically claustrophobic/agorophobic, I don't like being in the midst of crowds, especially in a restaurant.

I will assume a stern visage and specifically ask to be seated "near an exit with my back to the wall", adding, in a jocular fashion, "It's an old habit".

I'm almost always obliged with a table apart from the crowd.

SB (and I get pretty good service too! )

[cmling]

I certainly sympathise with Terrasanct, and I think docsconz's suggestion is very good. But, and please pardon my curiosity, I have never heard of the combination claustrophobia and agoraphobia? It must make life doubly hard.

[Dianabanana]

I would just get up and speak to the maitre d' or waiter privately (out of earshot of the other couple) and ask to be moved. I'm not sure that you even need to offer a reason, but you can always say there's a draft. I wouldn't worry one bit about what the other couple think, either. I doubt they would conclude it's their proximity that's bothering you, as it could be any one of a hundred things. Maybe there was a glare in your eyes. Maybe you wanted a different view. Maybe the seat was bothering your hemmorhoids. Well, maybe not. But you get the idea.

Edited to say that I am very sensitive to many perfumes/colognes/other scented products, so I have often had to ask to be moved. It's awkward when it might be apparent that you're moving to get away from someone, but it's better than suffering.

Edited August 18, 2007 by Dianabanana (log)

[Terrasanct]

The perfume thing is a real problem. I've had to leave the opera at intermission because of people who don't know when to stop with the perfume. I get very ill. I feel rude when I leave, but I don't make a big deal out of it.

I haven't told the whole story about last night--I'm still upset about it. I did say something very nicely (I thought) and the other couple was so offended that they stormed out of the restaurant. Well, the woman was okay, but the man decided to leave and they did.

I went over to apologize to them and the man just wouldn't listen. The waitress assumed I said something terrible (I really didn't!). I was so mortified that I would have left the restaurant too, but I'd just cost them two patrons, so I stayed and ordered a lot and left a huge tip. I really didn't know what else to do. I had to go have a cry in the ladies' room before I came back to the table.

I couldn't really taste my food and I just wanted to leave. It was a horrible night. I'm a nice person and I felt responsible for ruining someone else's evening.

Now, if it had been me and someone unintentionally insulted me, I would accept the apology--everyone's human, I was tired, and whatever I said must not have come out the right way. But I didn't get a second chance with the couple who left.

So...besides never going out to dinner ever again, which I'm considering, what could I have done differently? (I mean after screwing up, that is.)

[Jaymes]

The perfume thing is a real problem.  I've had to leave the opera at intermission because of people who don't know when to stop with the perfume.  I get very ill.  I feel rude when I leave, but I don't make a big deal out of it.

I haven't told the whole story about last night--I'm still upset about it.  I did say something very nicely (I thought) and the other couple was so offended that they stormed out of the restaurant.  Well, the woman was okay, but the man decided to leave and they did.

I went over to apologize to them and the man just wouldn't listen.  The waitress assumed I said something terrible (I really didn't!).  I was so mortified that I would have left the restaurant too, but I'd just cost them two patrons, so I stayed and ordered a lot and left a huge tip.  I really didn't know what else to do.  I had to go have a cry in the ladies' room before I came back to the table.

I couldn't really taste my food and I just wanted to leave.  It was a horrible night.  I'm a nice person and I felt responsible for ruining someone else's evening. 

Now, if it had been me and someone unintentionally insulted me, I would accept the apology--everyone's human, I was tired, and whatever I said must not have come out the right way.  But I didn't get a second chance with the couple who left.

So...besides never going out to dinner ever again, which I'm considering, what could I have done differently?  (I mean after screwing up, that is.)

←

There have been a lot of excellent suggestions here as to how you could have handled your problem in advance, in order for it not to have gone so far. And from this post, it sounds like you spoke directly to the couple, which was undoubtedly a bad idea.

But now, my strong suggestion is that first of all you forgive yourself. And then, resolve to try to take several steps suggested above to greatly reduce the possibility of it happening.

Best of all is the explanation and request of the hostess/maitre d' or whomever is responsible for the seating, along with a nice tip.

Absolutely don't give up eating out. As a last resort, should you find yourself in that spot again, and you cannot move for some reason or another - perhaps the restaurant is filling up too rapidly, for example - mumble something about the baby sitter having called or other excuse and say you'll be needing to take the rest of the meal to go.

[Terrasanct]

I realized it was a bad idea to talk to the people...I was a bit sleep deprived and sometimes you do things that you wouldn't normally do. My husband told me later he was surprised that I'd said something.

I think I also have more trouble with anxiety when I'm really tired. Normally it wouldn't have been a night we'd go out to dinner, but since we were out of town, we went out.

What made it worse was that after I talked to the people, I realized they were not from this country, which I think added to the misunderstanding. I think it was possible that they didn't know quite what I was saying.

It's been that kind of week, what can I say?

[Daniel Rogov]

I am in agreement with Diana. The thing to do in such circumstances is to get up from your table, speak quietly with the person in charge of the restaurant and request shifting tables. No reason is necessary but the best comment might be "I'm sorry for the inconvenience but would very much appreciate it if we could shift tables" Any decent restaurant will respond positively to your request unless the restaurant is already quite full.

I also agree with others that having spoken with the people at the next table was not appropriate. The responsibility here lies between you and the restaurant staff.

[SundaySous]

meh ya live and learn. Other couple at least him sounded like he lacked social skills.

In your shoes I think I would be heavily medicated when I dine out. You think that guy was upset with you you should see me heavily medicated.

Waiting tables at one casual and one upscale restaurant I can think of at least two people with similar situations. Both let us know about sensitivities in advance and shot for less crowded times.

Now that you mention it thinking back about peoples behaviors there must be many like you that suffer in silence.

[Carrot Top]

I realized it was a bad idea to talk to the people...I was a bit sleep deprived and sometimes you do things that you wouldn't normally do.  My husband told me later he was surprised that I'd said something.

I think I also have more trouble with anxiety when I'm really tired.  Normally it wouldn't have been a night we'd go out to dinner, but since we were out of town, we went out. 

What made it worse was that after I talked to the people, I realized they were not from this country, which I think added to the misunderstanding.  I think it was possible that they didn't know quite what I was saying.

It's been that kind of week, what can I say?

←

I don't think that you are the first nor will you be the last person to find that what is called "go out for a simple dinner" can be fraught with startling difficulties, particularly as it is touted as relaxation, going out to dinner. A quick (or endless) gander at the Dining Out with Children thread will comfort you on that level.

Dive in again when you're ready, try the suggestions above particularly speaking to the host(ess)/maitre d', then keep your fingers crossed that they (whoever it is that is in charge of seating) respond with a good attitude. People being people, sometimes even people in this position will react strangely to life as it is before them.

Good luck, and bon appetit.

(And if it does not go as well as planned, ever, there is a fabulous response you can say which is why it is great to grow up in New York for you have to learn it. Repeat after me: "Fuh-GET about it!" )

Edited August 18, 2007 by Carrot Top (log)

[hummingbirdkiss]

my solution to my phobias

I take Xanax

[azlee]

The perfume thing is a real problem.  I've had to leave the opera at intermission because of people who don't know when to stop with the perfume.  I get very ill.  I feel rude when I leave, but I don't make a big deal out of it.

I haven't told the whole story about last night--I'm still upset about it.  I did say something very nicely (I thought) and the other couple was so offended that they stormed out of the restaurant.  Well, the woman was okay, but the man decided to leave and they did.

I went over to apologize to them and the man just wouldn't listen.  The waitress assumed I said something terrible (I really didn't!).  I was so mortified that I would have left the restaurant too, but I'd just cost them two patrons, so I stayed and ordered a lot and left a huge tip.  I really didn't know what else to do.  I had to go have a cry in the ladies' room before I came back to the table.

I couldn't really taste my food and I just wanted to leave.  It was a horrible night.  I'm a nice person and I felt responsible for ruining someone else's evening. 

Now, if it had been me and someone unintentionally insulted me, I would accept the apology--everyone's human, I was tired, and whatever I said must not have come out the right way.  But I didn't get a second chance with the couple who left.

So...besides never going out to dinner ever again, which I'm considering, what could I have done differently?  (I mean after screwing up, that is.)

←

it's a very difficult situation and i have great sympathy for your dilemna. unless it's a packed house, i would imagine it should be enough to let the house manager or waitstaff know that you'd like a private space or not to be crowded, uness it's going to be a busy night and therefore unavoidable and if at some point they need to seat other patrons nearby that you'd appreciate a heads up. if they can give that notice, that's your opportunity to decide if you can cope or if you'd like to take what's left of your meal to go. within reason it's for the dining establishment to accomodate your reasonable request. probably best not to approach another diner or party as many people are not sympathetic and some people have their own issues or they may just be unreasonable. unless you are very comfortable explaining your personal issues you are not really obligated to give the restaurant a detailed explanation for your request. if you ask nicely and they agree to accomodate great. if they don't spend your dollars elsewhere. if you can become a regular somewhere, you can be accomodated without asking each time or they can let you know in advance that they have a busy night and may not be able to accomodate and you can make your choice at that time.

i wish you all the best.

Edited August 18, 2007 by azlee (log)

[Qwerty]

Forgive me, but if you say that when the restaurant is crowded you can deal with the situation, but when the restaurant is empty and someone sits next to you, you can't deal with it? That seems odd to me that you seemingly can choose to deal with it or not deal with it. If it is only one other couple, thats still better than a crowded space, is it not?

I'm not trying to make light of your problems, but it just seems if you can deal with it on a crowded night why not the opposite?

[gfron1]

After reading all of the responses I'm left wondering why you went out for dinner. That's a very serious question - meaning, were you going for the food or for the eating out experience? Based on your comments, I would think that it must have been for the food, but maybe a combination of both is closer to the truth. I ask that because if it is the food, then does the restaurant provide carryout?

I have a customer at my store (we're a very small store, in a small town with a small staff) and she called once and asked if we would deliver. Being nice guys, we did. And we've done it a dozen times since. No problem - she's happy and we're happy. She has ventured out once to come into the store during a very down time.

Anyway, the solution isn't to lock up but find a way to manage the situation to enjoy life.

[Terrasanct]

I think we went out rather than stay in because (being exhausted) I wasn't thinking all that clearly. The same thing that ruined the whole night. I'm still trying to catch up on my sleep--I have some sleep issues and it's just been bad lately.

To reply to Querty, if I know it's going to be busy, which it usually is, it's not as bad. It's like if you build a house on a busy block, you know how it will be and can deal with it, but if you are the only house in miles and someone builds right next to you...it somehow seems worse.

The agorophobia is not nearly as bad as it used to be, and in fact usually only surfaces when I'm very tired. On which nights I would usually stay home anyway. When I was a teen, it was so bad that I could not eat in a public place by myself, and had a very hard time attending high school at all.

I didn't think of takeout, but as a serious food-lover, I really really wanted to try this new place. My husband lets me pick where we eat most of the time, because I care more about it.

And I do enjoy the decor, and the experience most of the time. But if someone is right up in my space, it's very difficult.

Reminds me of the time I went to a Bob Dylan concert and a drunk guy was practically sitting on my feet. Ruined the experience for me. I'm not good with crowds...

[pennylane]

I really feel for you, 'cause I have claustrophobia too, and it tends to surface mostly in aeroplanes and restaurants. I make sure I never sit in the booth seat, but here in Paris the waiters would laugh in my face if I told them I didn't want anyone sitting next to me. One is lucky if one only has to wait in line for half an hour to be squashed in between two other people with their elbows in one's ribs. But I would hate it if people sat down right next to me with the whole rest of the place empty. I guess after reading about your experience I know not to say anything. But you mustn't feel too bad about what happened. Maybe the guy was tired too and over-reacted. Perhaps he blogged about it on his own message board the next day to say how much he regretted it too!

[Toliver]

The "Why do they seat someone right next to us in an empty restaurant" has been brought up in another discussion (that I can't seem to locate at the moment).

My theory was they seat patrons next to you in an empty restaurant because it's likely there's only one waitperson on shift and it makes more sense to seat patrons in their assigned section than to seat them elsewhere in the restaurant.

As it's been suggested, a quiet discussion with the management out of earshot of the other couple should work. If it doesn't, there's a multitude of other restaurants that will happily accept your business and your money.

[Porthos]

The perfume thing is a real problem.  I've had to leave the opera at intermission because of people who don't know when to stop with the perfume.  I get very ill.  I feel rude when I leave, but I don't make a big deal out of it.

I understand the perfume thing perfectly. I can get a serious sinus headache in less than a minute if the fragrance is strong enough. I've had to leave church for the same reason. It has to be a "quantity of application" thing since my wife wears fragrance every day.

Particularly in restaurants I find it irritating. I don't want to have the nose of my wine masked by the perfumy odor of another guest. I don't want the taste of my salmon mixed with the smell of gardenias, etc.

I work in a building with long halls. I actually have to hold my nose when following behind a couple of employees who leave a discernable wake as they walk down the hall. It's hold my nose or not get any work done for an hour. Holding my nose is easier.