Greatest Kitchen Practical Jokes

[Lonnie]

Here you can actually watch a practical joke in process. Okay, so it's staged. But it is truly telling:

I meant to post this on the "new person in the kitchen practical jokes" thread, but for the life of me couldn't find it.

Lonnie

[Ariel Schor]

Heh...often sent newbies out for a "tomato ripener", "grape peeler" or a few cans of steam. Instead of tabasco down the straw we used Sriracha, which is a little more incendiary. Salt in the coffee is always a good one, which I have fallen for many a time.

We used to tease dishwashers a lot at an old job. This one guy, a total burnout, would always get the worst. Whenever it was dead and he was doing dishes, we cooks would take frilly tooth picks, coat the frills with mayo and throw them at him like darts. These "mayo darts" would stick for hours, and we managed to get almost 20 on him one night.

[jace]

I think I'm afraid of Reefpimp. Anybody with me?

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No way. I think the reefpimp and I would get along famously! Ever heard of the fruitbasket? I'm not getting into specifics but it can get ugly, and involves male on male non-consensual groping.

One time, our sous left for a week long vacation and left his knife roll at work. So myself

and the saute cook snatched it, filled it with corn starch and zipped it up. We then dunked it in a lexan full of water and set it in the freezer till he got back.

He wasn't happy.

Another good one is to put salt cod in steamed milk and throw it in the chefs office and close the door. It'll make the place smell like a gynaecologists office at fat camp.

If you don't get fired it's only further encouragement to push it as far as you can go....

[FastTalkingHighTrousers]

Shove anchovies in mustard into the deeper slots of someone's knife roll and mash them up with a wodden spoon handle.

Usually they don't notice until 3-4 days into it.

[Tim Dolan]

Back in the day, we had a new hotshot on the line who was pissing everyone off with his bragging. Fortunately we served our soups in deep, narrow soup bowls. We took one, covered the top with one razor thin sheet of plastic wrap, swapped it to be next in line once it got busy and BANG, molten hot black-bean soup all over his hand. He was such a tool.

Dumping half a salt shaker into someone's drink is so basic, but always funny.

[Tim Dolan]

Also, one night a cook had it out with a particularly annoying FOH manager. FOH manager left his car doors open one night, so the cook took some fish flats out and dumped the nasty fish liquid underneath his floor mats. FOH manager bitched about the smell for a few days, and then went ballistic once the maggots showed up a week later. FOH manager even said he would give a reward if someone dropped the dime, but of course no one ever did. I love remembering that prank.

[walt smith]

"Sugar Cookie" dough recipe for the service staff

1 Lb. Blonde Roux

Shape into 2 oz. pucks, place on a sheet tray lined with parchment paper, place sheet tray on speed rack in conspicuous area, wait for service staff to indulge! Works every time.

[thomasdavis81]

the kitchen i worked in up until a couple of months was very cramped and very hot. All the line cooks would get pitchers of ice water to keep with us on the line so we didn't get dehydrated, when we were not busy we would drink cokes and fruit punch and shit like that so we mainly put hot sauce in each others drinks, with the water u could not do that though so one day some one stepped of the line to use the bathroom i poured about two cups of salt into his pitcher of water and stired it with my tongs until he returned from the bathroom. About the time he got back we had another big push to get out about twenty tickets or so after we did that he stepped back and took a huge swallow of his water the face he made was hilarious he spit it out everywhere, oh yea the best part was that the guy i did this to weighs about 340lbs.

I also took a server's cell phone because she would not stay off of it and wrapped it in plastic wrap and duck tape, took her about twenty minutes to get it all off. The next night she left it at the same place so i stuck it in my pocket and wrapped up some flour in plastic wrap and duck tape took her about twenty minutes to undo it again except this time all she got was flour all over her black pants.

[jonnyCinco]

Not up to the standards of some here, but I was working with this really annoying girl who always skipped out on half $$$ing her closing duties. So one night when we were closing I told her I needed her to drain the water out of the coffee machine (the type with the hot water spigot on the front). Now keep in mind that this thing is connected to the water supply and is only about a foot tall. 10 minutes later I can back and she was filling up her second 5 gallon bucket of water (which was bigger then the coffee machine) and whining about how long it was taking.

The confused expersion on her face when I finally told her that it never would run out of water made it all worth while... It actually became a standard prank to test the intellegence of new servers.

[-pk-]

I had a prep guy years ago at an Italian restaurant who I cought throwing handfuls of oregano into a soup that was not supposed to have any. When I asked him about it, he said, "It's oregano. It goes in everything."

The next morning I sent him downstairs to put an order away and steeped a whole bunch of oregano in his coffee. When he returned, he took a sip and spit it all over himself. I guess it really doesn't go in everything after all.

[jace]

What are some of the best practical jokes you've ever seen or been a part of?  Points for originality and mean-spiritedness.

For instance, everyone has hot-plated a waiter they are having a problem with.  A neat variation is to do it out of the pantry station...never expect a 200 degree salad plate.

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The other day a vegetarian server thought it would be funny to throw ice down the back of my chef jacket. So, I filled her purse up with tenderloin scraps and threw anchovies in her coat pockets.

[boagman]

The other day a vegetarian server thought it would be funny to throw ice down the back of my chef jacket. So, I filled her purse up with tenderloin scraps and threw anchovies in her coat pockets.

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Wow...decided to step it up about 5 notches, did we? I mean, dude: *anchovies*? Please, please, oh please...say it was a Coach purse or something like that. >

[Edward J]

Nastiest joke I ever saw was the old "Easy way to clean out the deepfryer". This was in Luzern, and the hotel always had tour groups coming through with Fritto Misto on the menu.

The Chef de partie played the apprentice like a violin and conned him with "look, you clear a consomme with eggwhite, right? So, why bother straining the oil? Just clear it with eggwhite. And the eejit apprentice goes for it, dumps almost a liter of eggwhites into the fryer. For a minute nothing happens, then "Swamp thing" starts rising up and crawling out of the fryer, a huge cake of eggwhite, dribbling oil all over the place. The look on the apprentice's face was priceless, the mess horrific.

The same Chef de partie was in the habit of hollowing out eggs, threading butcher's twine through, and hooking this assembly on the back of unwitting people's apron strings--both boh and foh. Nothing more hilarious than seeing someone walk with an egg dangling between their legs. And the same guy would take urinal pucks (pina colada flavour) sneak into the women's changeroom and stuff them in the a/c grilles.....

[Just Jim]

Not exactly kitchen related, but that's allways where it happened....someone would tell the new guy to ask me how my father danced, said I was very proud of him.

They come up and say "how does your father dance?'

I'd get the red face going and scream "That's f'd up, you know my dad doesn't have any legs!" and move towards them. (I'm 6'2", 300 lbs).

I had one dishwasher backpedaling off of the line as fast as he could, and I'm trying not to bust out laughing.

[finker99]

I like to tell the new guy the boss wants him to sweep the parking lot during a rain storm "hey, it's nuts, but the man signs our checks so go get a broom....."

[scrat68]

I used to work in Catering sales at a waterfront hotel. The purchasing guy was nice enough, but not the brightest bulb.

The kitchen crew really had it out for him after he screwed up an order. They took 5-6 loaves of bread outside and spread the slices out over this guy's new Red Jeep Cherokee.

It was simultaneously horrific and hysterical to see the havoc wreaked by the seagulls. The Jeep was nearly white with droppings. I thought that the purchasing guy's head was going to explode.

Save this one for your worst enemies!

[howsmatt]

Spread souffle batter all over the bathroom.

[Mr. Delicious]

Im am fired up, one of my cooks always leaves the topper open on his truck and we tend to fill it with boxes, packing peanuts and such, the ass just poured a ton of patchouile scented crap all underneath my seat, I am pissed, now its on, dont know my next step but now I and my car smell like a hippy and its giving me a headache. I did grab some air freshners, one for my car, 2 to smear on his hoodie before we go to the bar this weekend. His lesson learned, dont mess with the boss!

[Tom Gengo]

i like pouring liquid nitrogen into other peaple's back pockets////

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LMAO, that gives a whole new picture in my mind to the term, "Freezing one's A$$ off."

[Tom Gengo]

Many moons ago on my last night working at an Italian restaurant as a dishwasher- I was assigned to train the newbie, a very good friend of mine. It was his first job. Firstly, I was 17 and had been the subject of many, many jokes. It was pay it forward time. It was a Friday night and we were slammed, ergo lots of burned cheese on the plates. I made my apprentice wash every dish by hand while I "ran the dishwasher." Dishes were coming back faster than he was washing and drying them and I was bellowing at him that if he was going to make it he would have to work faster. The poor SOB was a blur and the dishwater looked like a cyclone. THEN, I decided to spice it up, demanded faster work and started throwing him plates to wash b/c we needed more plates. WEll ever try to catch plates with soapy water shriveled hands.... he was dropping more than he was catching. Another threat of job loss, more plates, etc. Finallly he asks me why we can't use the dishwasher for the plates, well DA, it is for the silverware only.

However, the Chef heard the breaking plates, saw the plates coming out dripping wet and he had no more plate thereby throwing him in the weeds. He came back mad as a hornet. I calmly explained that the newbie had thought that he was supposed to do them by hand since his family was not able to afford anything like a dishwasher- a lie. Chef cussed, friend was really, really pissed w/ me when the chef told him to wash the dishes in the dishwasher, whole kitchen was in stitches.

I think I permanently damaged the kid psychologically- he never sought another job, he is still working at the same restaurant. I guess he is afraid of the newbie training elsewhere, lmao 30 years later.

[Tom Gengo]

Another, that began in a kitchen was retribution to a pledge to my fraternity in college. During an exceptionally cold spell in upstate NY Tony stole all my underwear, tshirts and socks and hid them. After 5 days of humor at my expense he sent me on a scavenger hunt that led me to a pillow case stuffed w/ my undergarments that had been repeatedly soaked in water... they were in the kitchen freezer.

I got even one very hot Friday afternoon. I was walking through the kitchen and the chef asks if I want a fish. He unwraps a 5 lb. mackeral, ergo oily and smelly. The chef cut the fishes throat per my fabrication instructions and wraps it back up.

I sneaked into Tony's room and he was very anal, bed was always made. I pulled back the covers, carefully unwrapped the fish and pulled the covers back into position. I laughed for an hour thinking of him climbing into bed after an evening of beer pong with a dead fish, sort of like the Godfather scene w/ the horse.

This went awry b/c Tony left for the weekend and it was in the 80's w/ no A/C. The entire floor was gagging fromthe smell, roommate moved out and there were several calls to facilities about some unidentifiable, distinctly foul smell. When Tony returned on Monday night he found a 1/2 putrified fish that had seeped into the pillow and mattress... heard that facilites employees were threatening to kill whomever it was that pulled the stunt as they gagged their way down the hall with the mattress. Smell never left the building the rest of that year.

[MrGerbick]

I've got plenty of stories on the reel that I can share but I'll add the most recent.

As most of you know, pretty much every kitchen has either goldbond or cornstarch in the bathroom. I, more so than others, use it quite often.

Our pastry Chef recently decided to empty the goldbond and refill it with powdered sugar. Needless to say, every 10 minutes I was wayyyyyyy sticky again and would need to reapply the "powder". Yeah, after a few days, it didn't turn out well.

Bitch.

My revenge was bitter-sweet. No pun intended.

We all know that Seabass is real fishy, right?! Really fishy. Anyhows, she got a piece of Seabass duct-taped under the desk of her main work counter. It took 2 weeks of the pastry department being in agony before they found it.

Edited June 27, 2009 by MrGerbick (log)

[TimmDavis]

At a place I used to work at years and years ago we'd send the newbies to the basement to retrieve cans of steam for the steamer. Or if you were caught leaving your apron lying around instead of on you (where it should be) we'd hose it down and then stick it to the freezer wall.

[chefdg]

I always get a kick out of this one: Take a piece of printer paper and write on it "I am sofa king we todd it" and give it to the loudest mouth in the kitchen and ask them to read it out loud. Works every time.

[theisenm85]

I always get a kick out of this one:  Take a piece of printer paper and write on it "I am sofa king we todd it" and give it to the loudest mouth in the kitchen and ask them to read it out loud.  Works every time.

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I'd be amazed if people still fell for that. Good stuff.