Food from your Friends

[EllenC]

I like to cook and bake and when I am in a "mode," I not only want to but need to share with friends. Not all of whom cook well. Some of them really want to recprocate in kind so they bake or cook for me.

I am always grateful for their efforts but sometimes I don't know what to say when they ask me how I liked it. I will not say, "It could have been really good if you hadn't smothered it in 14 pounds of powdered sugar frosting, or cream of mushroom soup, or _____________ (you fill in the blank)."

Many of them are intimidated by my cooking to start with, so I certainly don't want to scar them for life. My son has taken to jumping in with "You wouldn't believe how fast it disappeared!" (That often means that it went right into the bin.)

Do any of you have this problem? What do you say?

[monavano]

Problem? You have friends that care and are generous to attempt to cook or bake for you despite thier trepidations (with you being so much more the culinary talent). You thank them, graciously, and tell them they did a good job. Be a grateful and polite guest, not a critic.

[EllenC]

Problem? You have friends that care and are generous to attempt to cook or bake for you despite thier trepidations (with you being so much more the culinary talent). You thank them, graciously, and tell them they did a good job. Be a grateful and polite guest, not a critic.

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Maybe I'm not being clear. I do thank them very nicely. I also tell them how much I love and appreciate their friendship. I am talking about those friends who insist upon a critique of thier cooking. Generally they say something like, "You cook so well. Please tell me exactly how you feel about this and what I need to change." As I said, I don't want to hurt thier feelings but velveeta and cream of mushroom soup don't make for a gourmet meal in my book.

[Busboy]

Hey, you dissin' Velveeta? No soup for you!

Find one modest change that will actaully improve the dish and suggest it. "This is great. You know, if you're ever just fooling around, you might try grating sharp cheddar into the soup. It has a little more bite than the Velveeta and it really sets off the mushrooms." Balancing that with a bit of praise -- "where's you get these mushrooms?" is a good idea.

It strikes me that talking about the joys of friendship when somebody asks about their food is a sure way to set off someone's bullshit detector.

[Ladybug]

I've had the same thing happen to me before and what I've always found is that I can always find something to say that's nice. Maybe it's too sweet, but it has strawberries in it, which I love, so I could just say, "You know, I absolutely LOVE strawberries! Thank you so much for making this for me!" My Mom taught me that you can always say something nice, even if you have to reach so far down as to say, "Wow! What a cake! I've never had anything like it!" I, too, have been guilty of throwing things out, but I always feel so guilty about doing it - like I'm both potentially hurting someone's feelings if they ever found out, AND wasting food, which I was raised to believe is a mortal sin. I'm always particularly anxious about throwing it out because I have three kids/witnesses that may let it slip. The good thing is that nothing is too sweet for those three little rascals, so I actually can just let them eat anything like that and then talk about how much they loved it.

On the other hand, some food from friends is absolutely fabulous and we fight over it at my house. I like that problem much better.

[therese]

Say nothing but nice. Even if they really really really want you to critique it, don't.

And I wouldn't necessarily assume that all of the beneficiaries of your time and generosity are, in fact, as thrilled with your gifts as they might sound. Some people actually like tons of powdered sugar frosting and vegetables with cream of whatever soup. But of course they'd never come out and tell you that you might want to tweak some of your recipes, would they?

[jgm]

. . . I am talking about those friends who insist upon a critique of thier cooking.  Generally they say something like, "You cook so well.  Please tell me exactly how you feel about this and what I need to change."  As I said, I don't want to hurt thier feelings but velveeta and cream of mushroom soup don't make for a gourmet meal in my book.

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When I'm stuck in a position like this, I try and make it clear that taste is an individual thing. Now that I'm entering the second half-century of my life, my own tastes have changed immensely. Everything that is fine to someone else, is too salty for me. I love a good chocolate dessert, but it can't be overly sweet. (15 years ago, that was not the case. Nothing was ever too sweet.) So I try to go into an informative mini-essay about how... for example... I used to like Velveeta until I discovered _____ cheese. And if I have some in my fridge, I'll offer a taste. And I'll try to find some excellence to point out... such as not having overcooked the dish, or having the dicing done to exactly the right size, or something like that. But I use "I think..." to start out a lot of sentences, to emphasize that my opinion isn't necessarily everybody else's opinion. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I know millions of people love it, but I've never been much of a fan of Velveeta."

You kind of have to gauge the sensitivity of the person, and try to figure out if they are trawling for compliments or if they are asking you to educate them. Some people really do want to learn, and are anxious for you to share your secrets. But you're still walking on thin ice here.

[NulloModo]

My stance is that there is a reason cream of mushroom soup and velveeta are so popular: they taste good, and are totally appropriate for certain dishes. My father can cook up authentic southern soul-food at the drop of a hat, as can many of my relatives in AL, but what I really long for when visiting family down there is my grandmom's tuna casserole based on canned tuna, cream of something soup, frozen vegetables, and crushed lays potato chips on top.

Don't get into the 'gourmet rut' when only haute cuisine seems to satisfy. Americans have spent decades developing lots of very tasty lowbrow recipes, I for one would love it if some of my friends would cook some of this stuff for me (instead of their broke asses draining my wallet by convincing me to order takeout pizza and wings when they drop by).

[Tess]

Don't get into the 'gourmet rut' when only haute cuisine seems to satisfy.

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I think this is an important point. If someone gives you a casserole with canned soup and Velveeta, is it good for what it is? Criticism should be on the level of that type of food. Suggesting swapping for a sharper cheese sounds reasonable; suggesting making a whole other kind of recipe doesn't. Even if you make a reasonable suggestion, of course, in most cases the person won't like it. Even people who directly ask for advice usually really don't want it. They're asking you to praise it and to make that praise higher by saying it's in your "professional" opinion. Taking requests for comments too literally can get you in trouble.

If you are really having a problem with people finding out you threw the stuff away, there are always things you can say like, "I can't have something like that around the house because I'll eat it all and it's not on my diet."

[monavano]

I agree with Ellen that it's difficult to let someone know where they could improve. A good friendship can withstand some lousy food, for the sake of not offending your well intentioned amigo. I'd still stick with a pleasant smile and the "Gee, I wouldn't change a thing" response. Better to be restrained than risk hurt feelings, even if it would appear your opinion is being solicited. I would think, since you are deemed more a more talented cook, they are actually seeking your approval.

Perhaps share your favorite recipe links, or cookbooks with them. It will become abundantly clear that the word Velveeta and phrase "cream of x soup" aren't part of a home chef's vernacular!!!

[NulloModo]

. It will become abundantly clear that the word Velveeta and phrase "cream of x soup" aren't part of a home chef's vernacular!!!

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Speaking purely in club terms, 'cream of x' soup could be pretty fun stuff...

[wattacetti]

I like to cook and bake and when I am in a "mode," I not only want to but need to share with friends.  Not all of whom cook well.  Some of them really want to recprocate in kind so they bake or cook for me. 

I am always grateful for their efforts but sometimes I don't know what to say when they ask me how I liked it.

[snip!]

Do any of you have this problem?  What do you say?

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LesleyC wrote in one of her Gazette columns that she'd prefer if someone serves her a meal using the KISS principle rather than attempt to do something they really shouldn't. People should listen, but they don't.

I have been in similar "food gift" situations though with the following differences:

1. Most of the people I know can't cook.

2. Some of the people can't cook but believe they can.

3. Others know they can't cook but try and make something for me anyway.

There's this children's commercial where kids tap dance, do magic tricks, study bugs etc. while the overdub says that no one is good at everything but everyone is good at something. I try and keep that in mind and desperately hope that I've hit the "good at something" when such offerings are placed in front of me. Sometimes it's not so bad; other times it ranks right up there on the list of atrocities (e.g. canoli but filled with salted ricotta, durian cream and raisins). It was easier when I was in grad school to eliminate some of the candidates since the others in the lab didn't care if they were eating roadkill on styrofoam chips so long as it was free.

However, regardless of what I get, I lock in that smile (smiling really does suppress the gag reflex), nod my head and say "thank you".

Edited for grammar/missing text: you try typing intelligently after eating what amounts to be a roofing tile for breakfast.

Edited January 29, 2005 by wattacetti (log)

[andiesenji]

I also have friends who like to bake and often bring me gifts of their efforts and often they are quite good but not always to my taste.

I don't critique their efforts but what I do is tell them that their pie, cake, pastry, is very tempting and that I am going to take a small portion for myself but have to limit myself because I have diabetes but would hate to have it go to waste because of my limited diet so I ask if they would mind if I pass it on to my neighbors, who have a huge family and love any kind of baked goods and would appreciate it immensly.

They are always flattered to hear that I like their offering so much I will pass it along to my neighbors because they know how often we get together for communal meals.

Sometimes I just take the things to the office where it disappears, no matter what it is....After all, the folks in the office also eat at the hospital cafeteria several times a week.

Edited January 29, 2005 by andiesenji (log)

[wattacetti]

Hmm... interesting that this would be one situation where being diabetic would actually come in handy.

I would give the stuff away at the office except that it often comes from office mates. Those aware of the production from Lucretia Borgia-wannabes don't have much solace with the cafeteria since it's a toss up (odd choice of words) between the food gift and the day's production from our friends at Sodexco.

[ruthcooks]

Yes, having diabetes does come in handy sometimes when you don't want to eat what's offered to you. "I'd love to, but better not," saves the day.

Once a friend gave me a piece of her homemade bread made in her new bread machine. A single bite proved dry and stale, so I said I must not eat all those carbs between meals but would take it home with me. Instead of pitching it, I made toast--one of the tastiest pieces of toast ever--next day for breakfast.

Here's another great line: "It's just like my momma used to make!" Whether she did or not, and whether it was good or bad, that's always taken as a compliment.

[andiesenji]

Hmm... interesting that this would be one situation where being diabetic would actually come in handy.

I would give the stuff away at the office except that it often comes from office mates. Those aware of the production from Lucretia Borgia-wannabes don't have much solace with the cafeteria since it's a toss up (odd choice of words) between the food gift and the day's production from our friends at Sodexco. 

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The food over at West Hills Hospital is sometimes pretty good. Their meatloaf is wonderful, as good as any I have made. Occasionally they have ham and serve it by the slab, which is enough for at least two people or for lunch and dinner.

The scalloped pototoes are great and made from real potatoes and not from a can (occasionally there are a few slices with the skin still attached, also their garlic mashed potatoes made from boiled red potatoes with the skins. And their enchiladas are great. The head cook is from Guatemala and makes them fairly spicy and the servings are generous.

Chicken is generally inedible, pot roast is so-so, strogonoff is mystery meat and I won't touch it but the noodles are good so I just get them and butter them generously.

And it is cheap, for anyone who works for any of the doctors on staff the cost of lunch including a drink is $3.00 and the servings are so generous that some people make two meals from it.

Then there is the fish problem - my boss loves fish and keeps trying the various offerings but they fail time after time. Even catfish, which is not difficult to prepare, is pretty bad. I often pity the patients, they have fewer choices than we do.

[therese]

You don't have to be diabetic to benefit from the whole "dietary restriction" aspect of things. I manage to avoid food at work all the time because I'm dieting, and people know it. So taking even a small bite of something is sufficient.

By the way, you can't use this technique if it's obvious that you are not, in fact, dieting.

[chow guy]

I usually say thanks and tell them later that I enjoyed it. But, I don't encourage... if it's not very good ( I once had a gift of terrible bread every week beacuse I went overboard trying not to hurt feelings).

I also don't give hints or critiques. People really do not want to hear them.

The exception to that rule: I share food tips and give helpful hints to a few close friends (who also happen to be great cooks). It's a real joy, especially when my friends help me tweak one of my creations with their suggestions.

[Shalmanese]

I have the opposite problem that whenever I give food away to other people, I WANT them to tell me what's wrong with it. No matter what I make or how much I tell them I appreciate feedback, they never say anything bad about it unless I'm first to say something like "Well, I think this batch came out a little salty".

[jgm]

I have the opposite problem that whenever I give food away to other people, I WANT them to tell me what's wrong with it. No matter what I make or how much I tell them I appreciate feedback, they never say anything bad about it unless I'm first to say something like "Well, I think this batch came out a little salty".

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I've had the same problem, only with my husband. It took me 3 years to get him to tell me why he didn't like my meatloaf. I finally told him that I knew he didn't like it because he didn't devour the leftovers like he did with other meat dishes, and if he didn't fess up, he was going to get stuck with eating meat loaf he didn't like, because I had no intention of not making it. I also told him I wasn't going to get all insulted over it, I just wanted to know what I needed to change. So he finally said, in a very quiet voice, "it's too dry."

Gee, if he'd told me that when I asked him 3 years earlier, he could have enjoyed a lot more meat loaf!

Isn't marriage wonderful?

[EllenC]

These are all really good. Thank you. I agree that both cream of x soup and velveeta have their place (never together, however). I like tater tot casserole and red lobster biscuits and while I can't think of a time I ever liked something with velveeta, I don't mind seeing people who do.

It's good to remember people may not always like the baklava or cream puffs or fudge I take to them. I try to pay attention to their non-verbal hints and comments they make about other people's food to know what's good to take and what's not. Usually though I get comments like, you made X and I didn't get any! Those are always good because I try to keep a mental list of who likes what.

I haven't ever really said anything criticizing about someone else's cooking for all the reasons everybody lists. I really do love these people and appreciate all the stuff they do for me so I don't want to hurt their feelings. I guess it goes back to what Ladybug said about throwing stuff away. I feel really guilty about wasting food.

Maybe I can use the excuse Diabetes runs in the family so I am cutting back on some things. Aftter all that really is the reason I give away most of what I make....

[auntdot]

I try to be scrupulously honest, but there are times a bald-faced lie is called for.

For example, when the IRS auditor asks you, oops, wrong thread, sorry (I gotta get that delete key fixed).

If a friend at a function asks you if you like her dress, you certainly do.

Of course if she asks you beforehand, you might say that you always liked the blue dress on her, hoping that will change her mind.

When served food I don't care for will eat as much as I can tolerate and then, if asked why I had not chowed down, will give an excuse about a sour stomach or some such.

"There was something about those oysters I ate last night I didn't like."

And pass on dessert. That is to prove my insides are in turmoil.

If someone is cooking a dish and shoves a spoonful of the stuff in my face and asks what it needs, I will offer creative advice if I can (avoiding terms like a hand grenade or TNT).

But once the dish is cooked and presented, I love as much of it as I can handle.

And yes Mr. IRS man, I did give $2000 cash to the Salvation Army Santa.

Edited for grammar, I hate when I have to do that.

Edited January 30, 2005 by auntdot (log)

[birder53]

Just because someone loves to cook or bake doesn't mean everyone will appreciate the fruits of their labor. There are many restaurants, and this is not confined to chain restaurants, that serve food I do not care for. However, they have been in business for many years and have very loyal customers. We're all very different and our food preferances bear this out.

A co-worker brought in an organic carrot cake she had made. This is an office filled with hungry, young men so food disappears very quickly around here. By the end of the day only two slices of cake were eaten and I was told to avoid the cake at all costs by those who had dared to try it. It didn't look appetizing to begin with, but it seems she had used various organic or natural substitutes for sugar which were not very popular with the usually hungry group. She very loudly complained how no one here could appreciate good food and she swore that she wouldn't waste her time baking anything for us again.

She was not the first nor will she be the last person who felt their homemade offerings would be wildly appreciated at the office. The threads on the pitfalls of the office or neighborhood potluck dinners are another example of how difficult it is to know what tastes will please many if not all of our audience. It's not right to criticise those who do not share your tastes. Just be happy we can all find something we enjoy to eat.