Goodbye, Mom. Hello, World.

[patti]

Carolyn,

My sincerest condolences for the recent loss of your beloved mother. I was very touched by your poignant tribute, and like many of the others, I cried, too. I hope you find strength and inspiration in your wonderful memories of her.

All the best.

Edited October 17, 2004 by patti (log)

[PattyO]

Dear Carolyn,

I don't post very often (I'm a little shy), but I was so moved by your post.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have to say that I truly believe that your Mom will always be with you and that she's well aware of your wonderful accomplishments.

She also knows that you love your Dad and are taking good care of him.

I, too, would love to cook something in honor of her using one of her recipes. Please post one when you're ready. The eGullet gang can honor her memory with a favorite dish of hers - I love that idea!

Sincerely,

Patty

[Carolyn Tillie]

Thank you ALL. As those of you who write understand, getting thoughts on paper is a form of therapy. I have posted little in the past three weeks as the thoughts of the enclosed piece manifested itself through bouts of insomnia. The support and encouragement I have received through my mostly faceless friends here on eG has provided immeasurable strength and resolve.

With great appreciation and affection;

carolyn

[Rebel Rose]

Carolyn, I'm so glad you're back, and once again, my deepest condolences on your loss. Your story is beautiful. I had tears running down my face and the sniffles. Your father is so blessed to have daughters like you. Congratulations on your recent accomplishments and assignments. You are amazingly talented, and I'm sure your father will find pride and comfort in his daughter's interesting life.

[Liz Johnson]

Carolyn,

Thank you for a lovely piece. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Liz

[bloviatrix]

Carolyn, I am saddened to hear of your mother's passing. She has left a wonderful legacy in you and your sisters. She'll always be with you and I have no doubt she knows about your recent success.

[peanutgirl]

Tears & condolences here too. Reading your post brought back vivid memories of my Mother's passing back in 1996.

Rest assured it will get easier as times goes on... you do have your new venture to help keep your mind busy. Life is bittersweet at times.

[bigbear]

Please accept my condolence.

[moira27]

Carolyn,

My sincere condolences on your loss. I have to say your story also caused the tears to flow at my computer. Your story was beautiful and a touching tribute to your mother as well. Both your father and mother knew you would be the right person to pass on that family heirloom and to appriciate all it means.

Thank you so much for sharing with us.

[snowangel]

Enjoy the knife, Carolyn, and think of the legacy every time you use it. I am unbelievably sorry to hear about your mother. Although this does not begin to compare, I lost both of my grandmothers a few years ago. The legacies abound. The cookie cutters, the recipe, written by my grandmother's great grandmother for Christmast cookes. The wisdom and lore of gardening, picking and "putting up." (Per Grandma Iona, had we had deep freezers which I was a kid, do you think we'd have been canning tomatoes? Nope. Just sticking them in the freezer. A hand-made quilt? Outside of a wedding quilt, we'd have done them on machines had we had something other than those treadles which gave us oh so many cramps in our calves. The knowledge of grape pie. Cupcakes with shoulders, which should be eaten first to make memories.)

Most of all, I miss them watching me turn middle-aged, watch my kids grow. Nourish as only those women can. Look out for you. Celebrate the joys. People to share the best and the worst with.

Do not save that knife in a drawer, in a knife block. Use it with all of the joy that your mother lavished on you. The mom in me knows.

[Jake]

Carolyn, my condolences on your loss, I'm sure nothing will ever be quite the same again. Thank you for sharing your story with us, although I had tears running down my face, I was smiling at the same time. Congratulations on being published. I echo everyone else who believes that your mom really does know....somewhere out there.

[Tepee]

It recently dawned upon me that I'll be losing my parents (who are quite aged) soon. We had a scare recently that my mom would be leaving us. It's tough, isn't it, to separate from a loved one. How wonderful for you to have all those memories to hold on to. Thank you for reminding us, through your very poignant missive, to make memories while we can.

[Smithy]

Caroline, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's passing. I believe, as many here do, that your mother does know about your successes, and is still with you, watching and loving you. Still, it isn't the same. Seeing her when you're asleep, or feeling her presence, doesn't quite have the immediacy of seeing and holding and visiting with her when you're awake. Treasure your memories (and the knife!) and the good times, and they'll comfort you. There's comfort, too, that you still have your father and sister in this life.

Congratulations on your successes and new projects! I think the idea of submitting your tribute for publication is a good one.

Nancy

[FistFullaRoux]

Add my good thoughts to the other ones on this page. I am lucky to have some priceless family heirlooms in my kitchen as well. I made a massive batch of red beans in a huge pot I got from my grandfather. I miss him still, but I spent the day yesterday remembering the good things, while stirring in his pot that I am now taking care of.

She's not that far away. And congratulations on the job!

[rhodegirl]

Carolyn,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please take good care of yourself during this difficult time.

And thank you so much for your beautiful, heartfelt writing.

Be well.

(and congratulations on your writing projects!)

[Squeat Mungry]

Carrie, thanks so much for the beautiful and moving post. Add my condolences and congratulations to the list. Somewhere close by your mom is beaming with pride.

See you soon,

Squeat

[oneidaone]

Aloha Carolyn - my thoughts are with you, your post was just beautiful. Loss is such a deep

deep feeling of both emptiness and happy memories at the same time, each day is different

but all seem to have a moment when you realize you will never see that person again and it

is so hard to believe. I myself have been so sad about losing my dog 3 weeks ago and next week

will mark the first time I will see my mother since my dad passed away in June or go to their

house since then. Although he was in assisted living on the Alzheimer's floor it will still be odd

going to my childhood home knowing a visit to him will not be part of our plans. Funny things you

think about at times like this, I sit and think that when the time comes and the house gets sold

that whoever buys it will not know why there are symbols of a sun, raincloud, bow and arrow

and mountains about the four corners where there is cement, my dad wanted to mark his home

with spiritual depictions of our culture since he was the first of his family to move from the

reservation and actually own a home.

Your mom knows about your new success and she is smiling at the thought of you and is so

very proud of you I am sure, she's with you everyday in your heart and is what made you such

a caring person with great talent. I'll say a prayer for you and your family and hope that

you all take care. Much aloha to you - a hui ho.........

[chow guy]

Carolyn,

My heartfelt condolences to you, I was very moved by your sharing about your mother.

Last year was a year of loss for me. My twin brother, father and then my mother all died within 7 months.

It was heartwarming to read about several similar experiences in your post. My wife inherited my mothers' black pearl ring and I also finally broke down and wept when I realized the tomato sauce that I was eating (after the funeral) was the last time I would eat her homemade sauce.

I think we best honor those we have lost by making their contribution to our lives conscious by living with that value deliberately and by incarnating that value in our lives.

When I use my mothers' perfectly seasoned cast iron dutch oven to make onion soup I remember my fathers' love of Sunday night supper with the family. Sunday is now a ritual "supper" night again. I remember making apple sauce with my Mom when I was 5 years old. Now when I use her wonderful old China cap to make applesauce I feel compelled to be as generous as she was and make lots to give to friends and neighbors. I'm sure your mothers life and love will continue to be a great gift to you in your writing. Congratulations on your new and exciting venture.

Be well,

Chow Guy

[arielle]

Carolyn -

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[lovebenton0]

Carolyn, my condolences at the loss of your mother. Your tribute to her is very moving and visual. I can see you and your dad now; all the sisters in the kitchen building some love for dad to be able to hold onto. No matter how well we think we are prepared for the passing of a loved one, somehow we are never prepared for the moment. My grandmother was nearly 100 years old and I knew that the time was close for her. I thought I had accepted all of that. But the moment I learned of her passing I was still unable to process the feelings overwhelming me. I too treasure the memories and the gifts she gave to me: Working in her terraced vegetable garden behind the house, her pleasure and skill in the kitchen, her biscuit cutter and griddle . . . her joy in teaching me the little things she had spent a lifetime learning. Thank you for vividly sharing with us.

Congratulations on your recent successes. I'm sure that your mother was already very proud of you. Although it is never the same, she will always be there for you, Carolyn.