The One Inviolable Pizza Topping Rule

[Lilija]

My one golden rule of pizza is that the crust has to be able to stand up to whatever you're putting on it. I don't care if it's thin pizza, deep-dish pizza, whatever, if the crust gets soggy, you're screwed, regardless of the toppings.

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I've been scanning this thread, trying to find one good pizza rule that I can agree with, and this is definitely it.

I, personally dislike a lot of stuff on pizza. Peppers, onions, olives, mushrooms, meatballs or any kind of beef product, chicken, pasta, the list goes on and on... (ironically, I like pineapple, when it's done well). I'm also a stickler for 2 topings or less. Sometimes, even sauce is too much. However, I don't feel like there should be rules. If pizza rules were so strict, we would never have a Chicago style, or a big floppy Jersey slice, or all the million decent styles! They would all be the same!

[Hard H2O]

I've been scanning this thread, trying to find one good pizza rule that I can agree with, and this is definitely it.

Snip

If pizza rules were so strict, we would never have a Chicago style, or a big floppy Jersey slice, or all the million decent styles!  They would all be the same!

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That sums it up for me. I love variety. I try to order something different whenever I go into a restaurant that I frequent. If I am in a new town I seek out something different.

A well made, non-greasy, non-soggy pizza is all right with me whatever the ingredients.

The Garbage Pizza at the Commander Pequot Lakes, mn is a great pie to tear into after a day on the lake.

[divalasvegas]

The combination of pineapple with any kind of cheese in an abomination. Pineapple with ham is okay. Cheese with ham is fabulous. Cheese with plasticky mozzarella cheese is vomit worthy.

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How about this abomination? I'm currently housesharing with a woman who will only eat pizza topped with pineapple AND mushrooms. That's it. I plan to post elsewhere here about her other "interesting" food choices.

[Hard H2O]

The combination of pineapple with any kind of cheese in an abomination. Pineapple with ham is okay. Cheese with ham is fabulous. Cheese with plasticky mozzarella cheese is vomit worthy.

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How about this abomination? I'm currently housesharing with a woman who will only eat pizza topped with pineapple AND mushrooms. That's it. I plan to post elsewhere here about her other "interesting" food choices.

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Well that is only two toppings so she is at least abiding by part of the "rules"

[slkinsey]

...If pizza rules were so strict, we would never have a Chicago style, or a big floppy Jersey slice, or all the million decent styles!  They would all be the same!

You mean the Chicago "pizza style" casserole? It's tasty enough, but it isn't pizza.

How about this abomination? I'm currently housesharing with a woman who will only eat pizza topped with pineapple AND mushrooms.   That's it.

Is it too late for burning at the stake?

[Katie Meadow]

After the beating I took (and so undeserved, too!) in this thread I swore up and down I would not enter this war-zone of an inquisition again. However, that post about the pineapple and mushroom pizza was disgusting. As a pineapple purist and member of a persecuted sect I would never sanction mushrooms on the same pie as the virtuous fruit.

[divalasvegas]

...If pizza rules were so strict, we would never have a Chicago style, or a big floppy Jersey slice, or all the million decent styles!  They would all be the same!

You mean the Chicago "pizza style" casserole? It's tasty enough, but it isn't pizza.

How about this abomination? I'm currently housesharing with a woman who will only eat pizza topped with pineapple AND mushrooms.   That's it.

Is it too late for burning at the stake?

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Great idea! Alas, she has so many food quirks, it's hard to list them all: will eat pie but ONLY apple pie, will drink juice but ONLY cranberry or mango, will eat ice cream but ONLY cookies and cream............. you get the picture. Last night I made a lovely salad: sweet grape tomatoes, radishes, red onion, cucumber, carrots, bell pepper with a five types of salad greens mix. I offered her some (she's eaten food I've prepared before and liked it) but she declined because it had too much "stuff" in it. Even the lettuce mix in a bag from your local grocery is too scary because of those awful shards of carrot. Sorry to go off topic, but I just had to get that off my chest.

Come to think of it, burning at the stake may soon be called for.

[Hard H2O]

    Great idea! Alas, she has so many food quirks, it's hard to list them all: will eat pie but ONLY apple pie, will drink juice but ONLY cranberry or mango, will eat ice cream but ONLY cookies and cream............. you get the picture. Last night I made a lovely salad: sweet grape tomatoes, radishes, red onion, cucumber, carrots, bell pepper with a five types of salad greens mix. I offered her some (she's eaten food I've prepared before and liked it) but she declined because it had too much "stuff" in it. Even the lettuce mix in a bag from your local grocery is too scary because of those awful shards of carrot. Sorry to go off topic, but I just had to get that off my chest.

Come to think of it, burning at the stake may soon be called for.

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She doesn't sound as bad as some. She is certainly not as bad as the boyfriend posted about in the worst meal thread thread.

ETA: I just realized I mixed my threads up. Sorry for the confusion.

My wife has a friend who doesn't like Chinese food. My wife didn't know. the wife makes plans to meet her friend at a Chinese restaurant. That is where she found out. Why the friend agreed to the restaurant we do not know. This friend has a few quirks.

We were up in Bemidji, MN with another friend. We decided to leave Morning Star Resort and have dinner. We found out about a nice Italian restaurant in Bemidji. We arrived, were seated, handed menus. We then learned that our friend does not like "noodles".

Those were a couple of somewhat awkward meals. Why don’t people let you know these things? It is not fun when you are eating and they are munching on breadsticks.

Edited January 16, 2009 by Hard H2O (log)

[cbread]

  ...  However, that post about the pineapple and mushroom pizza was disgusting. As a pineapple purist and member of a persecuted sect I would never sanction mushrooms on the same pie as the virtuous fruit. 

You think the P+M combo ruins a good thing; I feel it takes a bad idea and makes it immeasurably worse. Somehow I feel we are in some kind of agreement.

[pennbrew]

When and if I get my pizza oven up and running in the pub, I have an idea to avoid topping overload. You can order as few or as many toppings as you want but the total weight of the toppings will remain the same.

Order sausage and you get (for instance) 4 oz. of sausage

Order sausage, onions, peppers, pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, ham and meatballs, you get (for instance) 1/2 oz. of each.

Obviously the weights/ratios won't be exact (mushrooms are much less dense than sausage, pepperoni provides more coverage than olives), but the idea is you get only half as much of each when you order 2 toppings, a third as much of each when you order 3 toppings, etc.

This way the pies will bake consistently well in a hot oven avoiding the soggy, undercooked mess you get with 2 lbs. of toppings.

Pricing will be 2-tier (for instance):

Plain (sauce and cheese): $7.00

with topping(s): $9.00

Comments?

Edited February 17, 2009 by pennbrew (log)

[slkinsey]

It's not a bad idea, but you're going to want to make sure you explain that on the menu. Anyone who would order sausage, onions, peppers, pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, ham and meatballs together on one pizza probably wants it piled to the sky.

[pennbrew]

Yup, I'd definitely explain it up front. Perhaps I could even turn it into a catch-phrase: "Avoid Pizza bloat!"

I do want to make it (semi-)artisanal, so I probably won't have that many toppings available anyway. Quality, simple sauce, small amounts of high-end cheese, good olive oil, fresh herbs, etc.

I'm planning to offer one size only, about 12 inches, enough for one hungry person or two nibblers. Something for the beer to wash down...

Edited February 17, 2009 by pennbrew (log)

[pennbrew]

Oh, and ABSOLUTELY no pineapple!

or sauerkraut

Yes, kraut was a common topping in Minnesota when I was in college

I think that should be rule #5

[chappie]

I happen to think pineapple -- especially if it gets a bit of char -- is good on pizza, and not just with ham. I like the tang it provides. Sorry.

One of my college roommates would eat those $1 "pizzas" from the freezer section, with the fake cheese particles on top. And he'd top them with French's yellow mustard. Now that's not a pizza topping.

I'll try just about anything on pizzas, but I agree that overloaded toppings ruin the whole balance and overshadow the crust and sauce.

Wasn't there a thread on eGullet a few years ago about marshmallows on (non-dessert) pizza?

[prasantrin]

but the two worst pizzas that I have ever seen were in Europe five years ago.  In the Paris metro, Pizza Hut was advertising its Grand Canyon Pizza -- one of the toppings was TORTILLA CHIPS!

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I remember having taco pizza way back when I was maybe in elementary school or junior high school. It wasn't uncommon in Winnipeg, either, as I remember a few local places (almost all pizza places in Winnipeg were more or less local back then--no Pizza Hut or Dominos) having it. I think it had tomato sauce, ground beef, and cheese, and then after baking fresh tomatoes, lettuce, and taco-flavoured tortilla chips were added.

I though it was good back then, but I don't know if I'd have the same opinion now.

[Hard H2O]

Sorry.

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I do not think you need to apologize for something you find tasty.

One of my favorite things about pizza is that everyone can get it the way they personally like it.

We are making it tonight at home. We will be making two. That way we can have two different pies and everyone wins. We might even make one a half and half of something.

I think dessert pie should only be apple. All other pie fillings are an abomination.

I think all pot pies should be chicken. All others are an abomination.

I think all sausage should be andouille. All others are an abomination.

All recipes should be followed to the letter. No substitutions will be allowed from here on out.

You know who else tried to stamp out diversity?

[Andrew Fenton]

You know who else tried to stamp out diversity?

Oh man, if we get to invoke Godwin's Law on a thread about pizza toppings, my life will be complete, here and now.

[Hard H2O]

You know who else tried to stamp out diversity?

Oh man, if we get to invoke Godwin's Law on a thread about pizza toppings, my life will be complete, here and now.

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Too late. It has been done.

[Hard H2O]

When the Nazis came for the extra toppings,

I remained silent;

I did not like extra toppings.

When they took the mushrooms,

I remained silent;

I do not like mushrooms.

When they came for the fresh basil,

I did not speak out;

I was not a fan of the fresh basil.

When they came for the BBQ chicken,

I remained silent;

I abhored the BBQ chicken.

When they came for my pineapple,

there was no one left to speak out.

[slkinsey]

I think dessert pie should only be apple. All other pie fillings are an abomination.

I think all pot pies should be chicken. All others are an abomination.

I think all sausage should be andouille. All others are an abomination.

All recipes should be followed to the letter. No substitutions will be allowed from here on out.

These are not apt comparisons. Example comparisons closer to what people are saying here might be:

Mutton does not belong in a dessert pie. This is an abomination.

Pot pie should not contain kiwi fruit. This is an abomination.

Ham is not the same thing as sausage.

If you radically distort a recipe as to ingredients, techniques or form, you now have something different than what is described in the recipe -- so, please don't call it the same thing.

[Hard H2O]

I think dessert pie should only be apple. All other pie fillings are an abomination.

I think all pot pies should be chicken. All others are an abomination.

I think all sausage should be andouille. All others are an abomination.

All recipes should be followed to the letter. No substitutions will be allowed from here on out.

These are not apt comparisons. Example comparisons closer to what people are saying here might be:

Mutton does not belong in a dessert pie. This is an abomination.

Pot pie should not contain kiwi fruit. This is an abomination.

Ham is not the same thing as sausage.

If you radically distort a recipe as to ingredients, techniques or form, you now have something different than what is described in the recipe -- so, please don't call it the same thing.

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My point is why should someone try to decree what I eat?

I like the variety that pizza offers. I like a garbage pizza. I like ham and pineapple. I like sauerkraut. I like anchovies.

I seldom get to enjoy an anchovy pizza. Do not even mention them in polite company.

Good luck.

[Andrew Fenton]

All kidding aside (and I liked your Niemöller parody; those always kill), nobody is decreeing what you eat. If you want garbage pizza, or garbage on your pizza, you're free to eat it. I can't stop you. The government can't stop you. Sam Kinsey, dwelling within his Lex Luthor-style fortress deep under the streets of Manhattan, can't stop you. Even if he cared to unleash his Pizza Mind Control Ray on the unsuspecting public, I doubt he would he would use his powers for evil. Mostly.

I guess I'd ask: there are a thousand thousand threads on eGullet that feature lists of what people like, presented uncritically and received in the same spirit. Why do you feel the need to be validated? Why does it bother you so much that there's one discussion that doesn't go along those lines?

[slkinsey]

I don't think anyone is attempting to decree what you eat. They're just expressing opinions, among them that pineapple or sauerkraut or a half-inch thick layer of miscellaneous toppings on pizza (a) aren't good, and (b) pervert what they think there is to admire about pizza. This is no different from people saying that they think well-done steak is an abomination (and if you peruse these forums, you'll see plenty of opinions expressed just that way). But, you know... no one is going to knock the fork our of your hand if you're getting ready to eat a slice of pepperoni-bacon-mushroom-pineapple-pepper-onion-ham-spinach-meatball pizza or cut into a well done USDA prime ribeye.

As for anchovies, there's nothing wrong with them whatsoever. Except for the fact that most "pizza parlor" type places use crappy quality, half-rancid anchovies. In addition, I personally feel that anchovies, while delicious on a thin-crust pizza with a very light amount of good quality mozzarella (or perhaps no cheese at all), are not harmonious with the copious amounts of mediocre "pizza cheese" which weigh down most American pizzas.

But really... this is a pretty light hearted thread. Other than saying that they don't agree with you, I don't gather that anyone is suggesting you shouldn't be able to eat a pepperoni-bacon-mushroom-pineapple-pepper-onion-ham-spinach-meatball "French bread pizza" if that's what you like.

[slkinsey]

Andrew, let's be honest here: What's the point of having a Pizza Mind Control Ray if you can't use it for evil?

Edited February 17, 2009 by slkinsey (log)

[Hard H2O]

  Why do you feel the need to be validated?  Why does it bother you so much that there's one discussion that doesn't go along those lines?

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Because I am a delicate little snowflake.

I think I am going to stop on the way home and pick up some small pizza pans and some anchovies. Personal pan pizzas for everyone.

Would pineapple taste good with anchovies?