Festivus Airing of Culinary Grievances

[Pan]

What are you saying about jazz musicians?

[stovetop]

what my jazz drummer friend used to call guiter players that play way outside the groove kinda like john scofield, but we are talking like aliens, no one understands except for maybe the bass player. That is wanking off.

steve

[Pan]

OK, just as long as you aren't generalizing . . .

[FaustianBargain]

The customer then sent back a snotty remark, via the (trembling) waitress, to say that 'only an arsehole would serve raw fish'.

The chef then emerges from behind the pass, out of the swing doors to the kitchen, up to the gentleman's table (in the middle of a 100+ cover service), and shouts, from a range of about four feet :

"If you don't like the salmon, why don't you just fuck off, you miserable old cunt?"...

... and then marching straight back behind the pass and plating food as if nothing happened.

Oh, how we rejoiced on hearing this.

That is absolutely ridiculous.

Although...customers who call a chef 'arsehole' and chefs who call their diners 'miserable old cunt' are complete novelties to me...such things occur? for real?

[culinary bear]

Absolutely.

You wouldn't believe what nasty customers get called in the safety of the ktitchen.

Instrusting the waitress to tell the chef he's an arsehole is spoliing for a fight, and steps across the line, IMHO.

[Gifted Gourmet]

Now, for 2005, there is apparently a new wine for Festivus ... and in these new Festivus glasses, one can complain in style ...

To celebrate this holiday in the manner befitting this time-honored tradition, we have created a wine with which to dance about the Festivus Pole, a wine to toast grievances by, and a wine to embolden your most bodacious feats of strength. That's right, the wine you've all been waiting for... Festivus Wine! A lush and lovely Sonoma County Cabernet Sauvignon just right for the quaffing, may we suggest a pairing with the Festivus Book,

the website

So, bumping up the Festivus food and dining complaint list of 2004, what are your culinary complaints for Festivus 2005?

[Jason Perlow]

The New York Times and Frank Bruni is again high on my list this year. I'm willing to cut James Beard some slack since they seem to be cleaning up their mess. If the New York Times wanted to clean up its mess they should toss Bruni like 3 day old shellfish. He stinks.

Second would have to be Charlie Trotter because of his laser-focused campaign to destroy the Foie Gras industry in the United States, his hypocrisy, and his absolutely horrendous behavior towards his peers in Chicago.

Third would have to be Emeril Lagasse for not making a more public presence of himself and helping out more during the Katrina disaster. New Orleans gave Emeril so much -- where was he in its time of need?

Fourth would be Darren Star for producing the peice of crap that is Kitchen Confidential, which had so much promise and could have been the best new sitcom on TV. Even with the censorship limitations of network TV, they could have done a lot better. Now it is history.

[Gifted Gourmet]

Third would have to be Emeril Lagasse for not making a more public presence of himself and helping out more during the Katrina disaster. New Orleans gave Emeril so much -- where was he in its time of need?

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and we actually happen to have a thread on this very topic right here!

[Genny]

Fourth would be Darren Star for producing the peice of crap that is Kitchen Confidential, which had so much promise and could have been the best new sitcom on TV. Even with the censorship limitations of network TV, they could have done a lot better. Now it is history.

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Snaps here Jason. Damn that was bad. I tried, I really tried.

Snadra Lee- Semi-HO- whatever. The Food Network in general for their shitty year of productions. I watch very little TFN anymore. Some competitions to see what the real crafters are doing but not much else. Now what am I supposed to do with my Saturday mornings???

Safeway: I had to stop shopping there because I kept getting rotten produce: Spagehetti Squash was literally growing mold - I pointed it out to the produce person; package of fresh hericot verts: I got it home and about a dozen inside were mushy and rotting; packaged salads and cream dressings past their experation dates. Jeez.

My Whirlpool flat-top range doesn't have a simmer burner. I've burned more soups! RRRRRRRRRRRRR.

[Jason Perlow]

Safeway: I had to stop shopping there because I kept getting rotten produce: Spagehetti Squash was literally growing mold - I pointed it out to the produce person; package of fresh hericot verts: I got it home and about a dozen inside were mushy and rotting; packaged salads and cream dressings past their experation dates. Jeez.

Yeah, I have to say, with few exceptions, all the mainstream supermarket chains are doing universally bad in keeping their produce fresh. If it wasn't for Korean fruit/veg stands and Asian markets, and Farmers Markets during the summer, I'd be out of luck.

Shop Rite in NY/NJ seems to be doing a pretty good job overall with their produce, but they frequently run out of stuff.

[slbunge]

For me, tops on the list would be Starbucks. Not for the regular stuff that people (including me) bash them for, but rather for screwing up their 'holiday blend' of coffee. It used to be their only coffee that I thought was palatable. A bit of winey character that I like. This year it tasted like their regular house blend in a red cup. Bleh.

[BarbaraY]

For me, that my favorite Mexican restaurant changed hands and became yet another taqueria.

There is no authentic Mexican food left in the county.

[jsolomon]

For me it would be moving into a house with 4.5 square feet of counter space and a caloric apartment-sized stove.

[Daddy-A]

I'm normally such an up-beat person but here goes ...

Iron Chef America and Bobby Flay. 'Nuff said.

I've been able to co-exist in a Starbucks world until now. I've just noticed they're starting to switch to automatic machines. Barisiti simply push buttons now. Pathetic.

My inability to find a decent butcher. I'm getting tired of the blank look I get when I ask for a hanger steak.

Costco still sells farmed Atlantic salmon.

Happy Festivus everyone.

A.

[Rebecca263]

# The 30 pounds I've gained since March.

# The difficulty in finding wild caught fish instead of farmed. The fishmonger tells me "No one will pay what it's worth." Just charge the price it's worth and sell it to me! Geez, I'm almost homeless I'm so poor, and I still can afford a few ounces of decent fish once a week or so, my neighbors all seem rich, with their Hummers and Coach purses, surely they'll pay for decent fish?

# The availability of a single cupcake in a local bakery. I've gained 30 pounds this year, I don't need 6 cupcakes, enough said.

#The legal system, and the vagaries of free speech and what is a crime and what is not. I tell you, this has a lot to do with MY food, and where I'm eating it, too. Suddenly, the government is a frightening behemoth, even to little simple me.

#Food snobs, and folks who think they're so much better than everyone else. There's one particularly egregious eG poster, who snubbed me in a mean tone, asked me for information I'd already posted(gee, how insulting can you be, not to READ my posts before responding?) and very pointedly told me "BTW - I don't talk very much about myself here - except for my eating and cooking and other food thoughts."(ahem, I know your life story, you've posted it plenty) and then went on in another thread about their dislike of snobbery and pretense, and of course, mentioning their supposed secret personal life, as well. I suppose being in the company of someone famous caused them to feel all gooey and chewy, of a sudden. Jekyll & Hyding is so stupid.

# The price of decent port. It's skyrocketed recently! If I want port, it blows my entire monthly bar budget!WAH!

#And, my number one grievance this year? That I have so few guests for meals!

[winesonoma]

Not being allowed to cook. Gas range and since monday I'm on oxygen. No open flames.

[Tess]

Damn stew meat that tastes *bland.* Why??? If tonight's beef bourguignon is not better than the last one I made I'm going to start making yak stew instead.

Oh, and Satinini or whatever his name is on Project Runway.

Edited December 24, 2005 by Tess (log)

[Pan]

The ubiquity of bell peppers really bugs me. I don't have a deathly allergy to them, but they are tough on my stomach, without a sufficient payoff. I don't even LIKE the taste of green peppers (ripe peppers taste OK but are still somewhat of a problem for me). Yet I often forget that so many dishes whose descriptions don't mention bell peppers put them in as filler just because they're cheap.

And you know what else bugs me? When restaurants that can serve good food won't serve it to me just because I'm not Chinese/Thai/whatever. And when I get a big warning about how "spicy" something is and it's tasteless.

And I'm also very disappointed that Kozy Shack discontinued their Dulce de Leche pudding. I thought that by constantly maxing out the supplies in my local supermarkets, I would justify the continued purchase of the item, but I guess not enough people were buying it in Iowa or something. (Nothing personal to Iowans, and I know there's a significant Mexican population there, but probably few Dominicans.)

And another thing that bothers me is when I get delivery and there is a lot of sauce on the bottom of the bag and all over the outside of the food containers. I had to wash out my pants and long-sleeved shirt today, along with my chair, my floor, my desk, and my keyboard, all because of such carelessness by the restaurant staff. My other alternative, which in retrospect would have been smarter, would have been to send the delivery back. So now I have to check the sauciness of the delivery before paying...

[Genny]

Not being allowed to cook. Gas range and since monday I'm on oxygen. No open flames.

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Bruce, I hope you are OK. Please get better soon and get off the O2 or get a (blech) electric range so you can continue your enjoyable kitchen pursuits.

I'll add another: chicken. last week I paid $2.89/lb for chicken at my local high-end store. Wow! It tasted like chicken! Why oh why can't all chicken taste like fricken chicken? Where do these big processors get these bland, gummy tasteless things????? Looks like my butcher bill is about to go up, I just don't see how I can continue to buy Foster Farms anymore.

[Kris]

Okay, be warned.  If you don't like swearing, don't read this.  I fear the effect would not be the same without it.

One happy moment, in the vein of Ramsay vs Gill.  One of the HC's friends runs his own (fairly highly rated) restaurant, and a customer complained about a pave of salmon that had been sent back because it was "raw", i.e. not cooked to death (I'm sure I don't need to educate any of you how salmon should be served).  The chef patiently explained, through the waitress, that the salmon was cooked perfectly, and that if it wasn't to the customer's satisfaction he could order another dish; he made it clear (politely so) that the salmon would not be cooked any further.

The customer then sent back a snotty remark, via the (trembling) waitress, to say that 'only an arsehole would serve raw fish'.

The chef then emerges from behind the pass, out of the swing doors to the kitchen, up to the gentleman's table (in the middle of a 100+ cover service), and shouts, from a range of about four feet :

"If you don't like the salmon, why don't you just fuck off, you miserable old cunt?"...

... and then marching straight back behind the pass and plating food as if nothing happened.

Oh, how we rejoiced on hearing this.

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I gotta say, having worked in the business for over 2 years, that there have been "too many times to count" that I've wanted to explode whan a guest wants their salmon "cooked through", their tenderloin "well done" or the worst of all,, in my opinion, "can I get the seared ahi cooked all the way through??".

Having said that, while I am happy to recommend "proper cooking temps" for all of the above, especially the tunna, if a guest wants to destroy a beautiful piece of fish, it is their choice. And while my kitchen may on occasion raise an eyebrow, if a guest wants their salmon cooked through, they get it cooked through. If I was in a restaurant when the above scenario happened, I would lead a boycott against that pompous, arrogant, SOB chef. A guest at our restaurant (fine dining) can get anything they want anyWAY they want. It's all about the guest, not the egomaniac of an Executive Chef.

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Ditto. I don't give a crap about how some arrogant chef thinks my meal should be cooked. If I got that type of lip, I would promptly get up and walk out of the restaurant. And if he called me a "miserable c**t" his ears would ring after I got through with him.

Anyway, my main grievance for 2005 is the fact that that horrible show Semi-Homemade "Cooking" is still on the air.

Some more food grievances:

1. This will really be for 2006 because I haven't gotten there yet, but next year I'm moving to the state of Delaware to buy a house. It seems that that state is lacking in fine dining and upscale food shops (e.g. Citarella, Jefferson Market type stores). If I'm wrong, someone please correct me.

2. Why is Starbucks so ubiquitous? Their coffee sucks.

3. It's really tricky to try and find a neighborhood butcher these days...

Edited December 27, 2005 by Kris (log)

[peppyre]

Sinus infection for Christmas, realizing after the fact that the penicillan that you've been given is the kind that will make you puke after one drink. Imagine what it did to me after a couple bottles of wine on Christmas Eve. No champagne for me on Christmas morning.

The lack of a good neighborhood butcher in my new area. How hard is it to sell good meat. (Arne, I may have a new lead on a good butcher, but it's in Caulfied. We may be able to talk them into hanger though.)

Merry Festivus to all!!

[christine007]

first, my sincere wishes that everyone who was sick for the holiday feels better really soon!

My story. I got to my mother's house, she was under the weather with a bad cold, so I offered to cook the main dish of roast beef, and the sides I'd already agreed to prepare. So I was in the kitchen cooking the entire day. I was so proud that the roast came out perfectly medium rare. My sister took one look at the beautiful roast and started bitching that it was not done!

"Oh my god, it's too rare, we don't eat it like that", she said.

She pretty much implied that only animals eat meat that's not cooked to a cinder stage.

I was so mad, but managed to keep in the christmas spirit and not say anything.

We took half the roast and cooked it in the gravy til it was gray.

That was my thanks for making a feast that included creamed onions, yorkshire pudding, brussel sprouts cooked with carrots, parsnips, gravy and perfect roast beef!

[maggiethecat]

Alll the fattening crap that co-workers bring on a daily basis over the holiday season. I wouldn't mind the fattening part if even one single item was home made. Why the cookies from Target?The nacho chips with whatever is posing as something other and better than Cheeze Whiz? The sorry "veggie and dip" trays with broccoli florets that smell of ammonia. No wonder that when I take in three dozen deviled eggs they're gone in an hour.

Eggs! Twice this year I've eaten farm eggs, still almost warm from the tummy feathers of happy hens. (Not used for deviled eggs---too fresh to be good peelers.) Orange yolks, taut whites, and TASTE. Folks, eggs can have taste! I've hopefully bought expensive organic eggs and they don't look or taste any different from supermarket eggs. I would pay five dollars a dozen for farm eggs. If my Homeowners Association would permit it, I'd build a henhouse in my garden.

Whatever happened to freshwater fish? I live in the Midwest, so I resign myself to the fact that I'll have to pay top dollar for shellfish, etc. But why can't I find a trout that isn't slimey? Where are the Muskie and whitefish and pike that are the glory of our Great Lakes and inland rivers? A stuffed whitefish I ate at lunch at the green-and-gold Empire Room at the Palmer House back in the day was one of my favourite piscatorial dishes ever.

Why do I have to drive far away to Ikea to get a great two buck Y peeler? The only Y peelers readily available are the crappy Oxo ten buck ripoffs.

And why can't I eat a peach? Hard, dry, flavorless no matter where I shop for them. My mother's supermarket in Canada sells pitted Montmorency cherries from a big tub for 1.99 a pound (CDN) during the season. This is a frikkin supermarket!!! In fact, whatever happened to the joy of fruit? The only reliable supermarket fruit is pears, God love them.

I really want to live in the city, but I have fantasies about owning a five acre farmette, with chickens and an orchard and a few sheep and goats. And an extension course in cheesemaking.