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Food in Hell

adrober

By adrober
in Food Traditions & Culture

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thursdaynext

thursdaynext

Posted
Posted

ARRGGHH...

fat-free foods products like no-fat "cheese"

low-carb bandwagon anything

bacon substitute

instant coffee

:shock:

"A good dinner is of great importance to good talk. One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." Virginia Woolf

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JAZ

JAZ

Posted
Posted

The food would be nothing but airline meals, prepared by whatever food service happens to actually prepare them, served in the little trays.

My dining companions would be Sandra Lee, Rachel Ray and Paula Dean, discussing nothing but cooking shortcuts. Rachel would say "yummy!" at least once every three minutes.

The music would be a looped tape of the following songs: Alone Again Naturally, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, MacArthur Park, Honey, and Knock Three Times.

Oh, and American Pie, during which everyone would sing along with the chorus.

Janet A. Zimmerman, aka "JAZ"
Manager
jzimmerman@eGullet.org
eG Ethics signatory
Author, The Healthy Pressure Cooker Cookbook,  Instant Pot Obsession, and The Ultimate Instant Pot Cookbook for Two

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clothier

clothier

Posted
Posted
Chef: Cynthia of Dallas ......my best friend. A woman of great beauty and intelligence.(clothier has seen her picture, he thinks she's a hot redhead too)

The Red Headed One is correct, her friend is bitchin hot.

And, on a realated note, that was pretty damn funny.

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clothier

clothier

Posted
Posted (edited)

two things:

1) Mom, since I know you are going to read this, I never considered you to be the chef. You are a great cook.

2) At the risk of stating the usual, the chef would be my mother in law, helped by my sister in law. The fruit did not fall far from the tree. One Thanksgiving my MIL started the turkey at 9:00pm the night before, and we ate it the next day at noon. I'll do the math for you. A 18 lb turkey cooked for 15 hours at 325. Nuff said.

My SIL cooks pasta by putting it in the cold water, bringing it up to a boil, and then cooking it for the required time. Oh, and she bakes her burgers in the oven at 425 for half an hour (kills the e.coli, she says). the she puts them on the grill. For 10 minutes a side.

Menu- wouldn't matter, it all tastes the same.

Crew- my MIL, saying every 5 minutes: see? I told you you should have gotten a real job. You can't make a living selling clothes to guys in their offices.

thanks for letting me vent!

Edited by clothier (log)
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ms. victoria

ms. victoria

Posted
Posted

The chef: I agree, no chefs in hell. All meals are prepared by former line cooks from Shoney's.

And no waiters. Everything is served off a huge buffet with no sneeze guards and no utensils.

The meal? Store-bought pimento cheese "salad" on foamy, white bread for the entree. Cold french cut green beans straight out of the can on the side. BBQ flavored generic brand potato chips for crunch. To drink, iced tea so sweet it makes your teeth ache on contact. And for dessert, blue jell-o jigglers cut out in the shape of a dinosaur with freezer burnt artificially flavored ice cream.

The soundtrack would be the hits of Tom Jones and Pat Boone as interpreted by drunken karaoke singers the world over.

Victoria Raschke, aka ms. victoria

Eat Your Heart Out: food memories, recipes, rants and reviews

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arjay

arjay

Posted
Posted

The chef..........Bobby Flay

Menu.............. Chicken feet

Rare duck

Squid

Lamb

Octopus

Companions..... Albert Gore

Bill Clinton

John Kerry

Hillary Clinton

Did I hit any nerves? :raz:

Martinis don't come from vodka and bacon don't come from turkeys!

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tanabutler

tanabutler

Posted
Posted
The chef..........Bobby Flay

Menu.............. Chicken feet

Rare duck

Squid

Lamb

Octopus

Companions..... Albert Gore

Bill Clinton

John Kerry

Hillary Clinton

Did I hit any nerves? :raz:

Not mine. I love all of your dinner companions.

Not wild about Bobby Flay, though.

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clothier

clothier

Posted
Posted
The chef..........Bobby Flay

Menu.............. Chicken feet

Rare duck

Squid

Lamb

Octopus

Companions..... Albert Gore

Bill Clinton

John Kerry

Hillary Clinton

Did I hit any nerves? :raz:

it's no fun if people KNOW you are trying to hit nerves.

Subtle.

and subversive.

but subtle.

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davidthomas8779

davidthomas8779

Posted
Posted
hey now - i live in georgia. and i don't know any snake-handlers. i will admit when i first moved down here, i used to get lots of people trying to bring me to their church.

You free on Sunday? We can go to the First Pentecostal Church of Hiram and have lunch at Morrison's Cafeteria?

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balmagowry

balmagowry

Posted
Posted
The chef..........Bobby Flay

Menu.............. Chicken feet

                      Rare duck

                      Squid

                      Lamb

                      Octopus

Companions..... Albert Gore

                        Bill Clinton

                        John Kerry

                        Hillary Clinton

Did I hit any nerves?  :raz:

Not mine. I love all of your dinner companions.

Not wild about Bobby Flay, though.

Ditto on both counts.

Have to admit I can do without rare duck, though. But I don't think it qualifies as Hell... not when there are so many worse things to consider.

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tanabutler

tanabutler

Posted
Posted

I forgot something else. Satan's Official Interior Decorator has commissioned Thomas Kinkade for all the artwork in Hell. Another irony, given that all four of his children have the middle name "Christian."

(Can someone tell me how this man chose Santa Cruz as his home?)

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tryska

tryska

Posted
Posted (edited)

What's the deal with Thomas Kinkade anyway? how did he become so popular? maybe he sold his soul for success. he might wind up being a dinner companion, tana.

Edited by tryska (log)
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tryska

tryska

Posted
Posted

googling is okay, squeat. it's the clicking that will get ya everytime. and thomas kinkade is some sort of painter person. always english cottages with pretty rays of sunshine.

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Squeat Mungry

Squeat Mungry

Posted
Posted
googling is okay, squeat.  it's the clicking that will get ya everytime.  and thomas kinkade is some sort of painter person.  always english cottages with pretty rays of sunshine.

Yeah, I googled it, THEN I made the mistake of clicking! I may not know art, but I know what I don't like! Gak.

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tanabutler

tanabutler

Posted
Posted

Salon did a piece on some books that were written to complement his artwork (don't ask). They're novels that take place in Kinkade-esque towns. One comment about the cover art (a Kinkade painting) mentioned "a lighthouse situated, unhelpfully, in the woods."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

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JennotJenn

JennotJenn

Posted
Posted
I forgot something else. Satan's Official Interior Decorator has commissioned Thomas Kinkade for all the artwork in Hell. Another irony, given that all four of his children have the middle name "Christian."

(Can someone tell me how this man chose Santa Cruz as his home?)

*Shudder*

My sister and her husband luv Thomas Kinkade. I don't get it. I also think that Anne Geddes may do some artwork in Hell, too.

Gourmet Anarchy

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hillvalley

hillvalley

Posted
Posted (edited)
Salon did a piece on some books that were written to complement his artwork (don't ask). They're novels that take place in Kinkade-esque towns. One comment about the cover art (a Kinkade painting) mentioned "a lighthouse situated, unhelpfully, in the woods."

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

I spent a year working in the children's department of a huge chain bookstore. Kinkead wrote a religous book that was filled with his "paintings". We used to fight with the religion/philosophy dept. to keep the damn thing in their section.

My Own Personal Hell:

Time of Year: Begining of May

Food: pb&j on wonder, warm tunafish with sweet relish on white

Drink: warm milk and apple juice

Companions: head teacher from my first year of teaching, current head teacher , my 3rd grade teacher and the current head Bush.

Background Music: There is none. Otherwise the teachers wouldn't be able to hear themselves talk :wink:

Edited 'cause I figured out what would make it worse: my three favorite students are at the other table, enjoying oysters on the half shell, beluga and mallow cups for dessert.

Edited by hillvalley (log)

True Heroism is remarkably sober, very undramatic.

It is not the urge to surpass all others at whatever cost,

but the urge to serve others at whatever cost. -Arthur Ashe

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beans

beans

Posted
Posted

After a sip or two of a lovely cocktail creation of my bartending friend next door, we came to this conclusion:

Hell would be smelling the most delicious, favourite food(s) and never being able to eat a crumb -- always going hungry.

Maybe it is the martinis or staring out over the cold Cuyahoga River that inspired the "Water, water everywhere and nary a drop to drink."

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