Hell's Kitchen

[jayrayner]

Anyone else spot Jay Rayner at table on tonights show? Maybe we can expect a full report tomorrow.

Jolly good eye sight mate. Yes, I was there. Let's see what turns up on tonight's edition. And I also have to check whether I'm writing it up for the day job.

But I'll say this. We got fed, three courses. Nothing trully repulsive. The emergency mars bar stayed in my top pocket. But was the food up to the quality of Ramsay's? No, obviously not.

[Carlovski]

Well if Jay won't dish the dirt I think it is up to Andy to blag his way in.

Go on. Take one for the team.

[Andy Lynes]

Look forward to your report wherever it turns up.

One thing that is increasingly puzzling to me is how unlike a real kitchen this one appears to be. Of course its "unreal" in that it was created for television and is about 5 times the size of a kitchen serving 72 covers a night, and its staff are all celebs. But it nevertheless has a real job to do.

In my experience, no one ever stands around doing nothing during service, yet there were quite a few shots last night of the celebs doing just that. Once orders start coming in, the pace is furious and pots, pans and oven doors are banged about with abandon. If a kitchen is "in the weeds" as this one permanently is, then there is a blizzard of activity. I could see none of that. Just Gordon shouting and the row of tickets at the pass getting longer and longer.

With 10 celebrity "chefs" plus Mark Sargeant, Angela Hartnett and a few others milling about, they are not exactly understaffed, but they would still all need to be fully employed to have any chance of getting the food out in a timely manner. Leaving aside James' virtual nervous breakdown and Ramsay's constant barked profanities, its the most laid back kitchen I've ever seen.

None of the professionals appear capable of organising the activities of the celebs in order to make the kitchen work as it should. I wonder when Ramsay will cotton on to the fact that shouting "fuck" at an untrained celeb doesn't have the same effect as shouting it at one of his highly trained chefs?

[Andy Lynes]

Well if Jay won't dish the dirt I think it is up to Andy to blag his way in.

Go on. Take one for the team.

Well, I did try to get a table when I first heard about this series but no luck, although I didn't put a great deal of effort into it I have to admit.

[John Whiting]

I can't believe that the kitchen activity isn't set up more for the cameras than for culinary productivity. And how many soufflés got tossed out, not because they were failures, but because they weren't bad enough?

[Carlovski]

Look forward to your report wherever it turns up.

One thing that is increasingly puzzling to me is how unlike a real kitchen this one appears to be. Of course its "unreal" in that it was created for television and is about 5 times the size of a kitchen serving 72 covers a night, and its staff are all celebs. But it nevertheless has a real job to do.

In my experience, no one ever stands around doing nothing during service, yet there were quite a few shots last night of the celebs doing just that. Once orders start coming in, the pace is furious and pots, pans and oven doors are banged about with abandon. If a kitchen is "in the weeds" as this one permanently is, then there is a blizzard of activity. I could see none of that. Just Gordon shouting and the row of tickets at the pass getting longer and longer.

With 10 celebrity "chefs" plus Mark Sargeant, Angela Hartnett and a few others milling about, they are not exactly understaffed, but they would still all need to be fully employed to have any chance of getting the food out in a timely manner. Leaving aside James' virtual nervous breakdown and Ramsay's constant barked profanities, its the most laid back kitchen I've ever seen.

None of the professionals appear capable of organising the activities of the celebs in order to make the kitchen work as it should. I wonder when Ramsay will cotton on to the fact that shouting "fuck" at an untrained celeb doesn't have the same effect as shouting it at one of his highly trained chefs?

As far as I can see, the 'Chefs' are only doing on dish at a time, probably understandable, as they don't really know what they are doing, but that might explain the standing around.

It does look like far too much of a pleasant working environment to be a real 'Hells Kitchen' doesn't it? They actually have personal space!

[John Whiting]

The most depressing thing about this program is that the producers assumed, correctly, that there would be so many ignorant punters watching it that they could get away with a level of total inauthenticity that would never be tolerated in, say, a sports "reality" show. In France, a program made to such ludicrous standards would be laughed off the screen.

[Gavin Convery]

It seems to me that the main point of these I'm a Celebrity type programs is to induce a warm feeling of schadenfreude - you may not be a celeb but at least you don't have to endure such torture as part of your attempt to build a career.

Unfortunately for Gordon Ramsay, I don't think this program is doing him any favours because despite all his shouting he still can't seem to get the Celebs whipped into any kind of shape - he seems to be in a greater hell than the rest of them.

The person who comes out of it well is Angela Hartnett - what a ballsy woman!! Hmm, I think a trip to the Connaught may be called for (after this show is over).

[John Whiting]

It seems to me that the main point of these I'm a Celebrity type programs is to induce a warm feeling of schadenfreude - you may not be a celeb but at least you don't have to endure such torture as part of your attempt to build a career.

. . . plus the complacent conviction that "I could do better!"

[YKL]

I'm not automatically averse to "reality" shows so the concept of this show has piqued my interest, but alongside all the other reasons noted so far for the disappointment is that I'm simply not interested or engaged with any of the participants.

I either want to see someone come out of their shell, or overcome difficulties, prejudices etc to come good at the end, or anyform of progress which would justify getting that much time from GR, Angela Hartnett and Mark Sargeant.

Or I want someone to be sooooo awful (in a kind of Jade from Big Brother kind of way) that it makes me shout at the TV, but in a good way since at least I would be getting involved!

I was all ready to get cross at Edwina, amused at Hal, and snooty at Jennifer whatever her name is, but fundamentally, I don't really care what's happening since as everyone else has pointed out, we don't get to see much of the training, the teamwork etc etc.

It's on for another fortnight isn't it ..... and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Hmmmm ...

[Bapi]

Re Harnett and Sergeant, get a grip. Do you think they both work 14 services a week? they both have seconds who can run the kitchen without them.

I am sad to report I think jay is quite right. We were at GR@Claridges and it was woefully obvious that Seargant wasn't around to guide his team and was occupied elsewhere on this programme.Our meal was only average at best. I'll do a review in due course.

[Basildog]

I refuse to sit on my hands. In the spectrum of crap reality progs this comes out near the top for me. It seems to me to be a C4 programme on ITV. And the kitchen stuff is intriguing. this bunch of d listers are clearly learning something. (My money's on Al Murray.)

Re Harnett and Sergeant, get a grip. Do you think they both work 14 services a week? they both have seconds who can run the kitchen without them. Frankly it was a huge pleasure to see Angela with her back to the wall for once rathre than floating serenly through it all. I'm hooked.

.....and the have 2nds and they have 2nds and it can all be done by a KP in the end.

[Basildog]

Tommy Vance and Dwain have walked Tommy did one night.I get the feeling that this show is going ever so slightly tits up

[Carlovski]

Any chance they will let us borrow the place after they have finished?

Make a great Egullet event venue. Basildog can be executive chef, the more talented among us could cook in that fab looking kitchen. I could wash up

[oldschooltie]

Tommy Vance and Dwain have walked Tommy did one night.I get the feeling that this show is going ever so slightly tits up

surprised that Tommy had the energy

as for tits up, Abi will have that angle pretty well covered (or more likely uncovered) in due course

[Basildog]

How tempting is that!!??? Bawling out egullet members in a hot kitchen? Yes Please

[Carlovski]

Tommy Vance and Dwain have walked Tommy did one night.I get the feeling that this show is going ever so slightly tits up

surprised that Tommy had the energy

as for tits up, Abi will have that angle pretty well covered (or more likely uncovered) in due course

Along with Jennifer Ellison?

That could boost the ratings.

[Carlovski]

How tempting is that!!??? Bawling out egullet members in a hot kitchen? Yes Please

We'd have to find someone to be a willing maitre'd for you to abuse too.

I can imagine it though 'Lynes - thats f****ng c**p. You're not on Masterchef now'

[oldschooltie]

An insight into the character of one of the (former) participants in this magnificent production

"Tommy Vance is a cretin of the highest order, I am sad to report. I have had numerous dealings and run ins with the gravely throated voice of rock radio throughout my career as a reporter of ugly truths and strange facts, and none have been particularly pretty, but I always retained a strange respect for the man.

"If any of you lot get this one I will walk out," grunts Vance, before asking from which song came the following:

"Oh baby, baby

The reason I breathe is you

Boy you got me blinded

Oh pretty baby

There's nothing that I wouldn't do"

Well, you know that don't you? When answer time arrived, he took the opportunity to express his disgust at the inclusion of a blatantly "non-rock" question. It was around this point that some violently orange-skinned peroxide woman in white took to the stage and whispered in Tommy's ear. "This lovely young lady wants to show you her treasures," he growled, happily. "Since this is a rock 'n' roll event. Rock 'n' Roll!" He beamed, triumphantly, glad that his chosen profession involves scary women offering to show people their breasts. Said lady whispered in his ear again. "Right," he mumbled, "She wants sixty pounds. Go on! This is rock n' roll! Sixty pounds to See This Girls TITS!"

The girl stood grinning idiotically and Vance stared hard at her clothed chest while some Sky fools scampered around trying to raise the cash. "She is RANCID!" I bellowed, when approached for a "donation". Nik Moore, who's spent most of the night with his head in his hands, going "I don't fucking know," grumbled about a time he'd been to Stringfellows with Lemmy. "It was awful," he sighed. "They offered me a private dance and I told them to piss off." The Sky people returned to the stage fifteen minutes later, with a pint glass containing "about thirty quid." Tommy went red with rage - the veins on his head seemed to be swelling and bursting, he'd developed some kind of tick and was jerking and twitching like and epileptic undergoing execution by electric chair.

"This is ROCK! What's wrong with you bastards? ROCK and ROLL!!! TITS!!! You'll still do it though love?"

The girl shook her frizzly head, mournfully, yet still wearing the same demented grin. Someone chucked in another tenner, and Vance appeared to cheer up a little. "Fourty POUNDS! For this girls TITS! You're cheap bastards, have you forgotten what rock 'n' roll IS? You'll do it darling?"

The girl shook her head, slowly, and was promptly beaten into the corner by a vicious and relentless hail of complimentary gummy bears... at this point Vance became scarily frenzied and stood up, revealing a pair of trousers so high they appeared to be attacking his neck, some wrinkled ankles and random bald spots. He shook with terrible rage, yelling "ROCK!" and "ROLL" and "BASTARDS", spraying cigarette ash from his umpteenth bogarted fag and kicking over miniature bottles of Jack Daniels. The girl said there would be no refunds, and no "private show" for the "generous donators", and Vance tried to cop a freebie, grabbing the girl to him with trembling arms and clawing at her pearly white shirt like a wounded rat. The girl fled the stage, and Tommy mournfully regaled us with the story of how "Hawkwind had Stacey and she's get 'em out any time, for anybody... she knew what real rock 'n' roll was about. Those were the days..."

He looked sad, and older than ever, and I felt a little sorry for the poor old fool. Those were indeed different days - when a man could eke a living from hanging onto the coat tails of hippies and rock scum, and fat ladies would gladly flash their bossoms and open their legs for anyone that seemed connected to "the action". Those days are gone, and Tommy knows it - nowadays he gets his bread acting as a comedy quiz compere and the "voice and face of Total Rock Dot Com" - an enterprise we labelled "doomed and useless like a still born Catholic" two years ago... "

Such, such were the joys

And what does any of this have to do with food? What indeed - let's hope it folds as soon as possible (and that it's not Amanda doing the folding)

[YKL]

Any chance they will let us borrow the place after they have finished?

Make a great Egullet event venue. Basildog can be executive chef, the more talented among us could cook in that fab looking kitchen. I could wash up 

Now that sounds fab! For that I would consider ringing up the rip off premium phone line to try and get a seat. The theatre of it all would be so much more entertaining, and no doubt the food would be so much more impressive.

Yin

X

[Gavin Convery]

It's sad to say but I am becoming slightly hooked on this now. It seems to be more interesting now they've got their act together and surprisingly the coverage on ITV2 was better than ITV1 as they just showed the kitchen live without any commentary. It was fascinating to watch the way it all worked.

Fame at last for Jay Rayner! No wonder he got served all three courses and the food was OK - did you see how Gordon was sweating at his very presence and making sure everything was perfect for him. Makes you wonder whether food critics get this special treatment all the time (a la Petrus?)

[John Whiting]

In the spectrum of crap reality progs this comes out near the top for me. . . .

As in, "This turd doesn't smell as bad as the rest."

It seems to me to be a C4 programme on ITV.

Which is all you need to know about what C4 has turned into.

[Andy Lynes]

How tempting is that!!??? Bawling out egullet members in a hot kitchen? Yes Please

We'd have to find someone to be a willing maitre'd for you to abuse too.

I can imagine it though 'Lynes - thats f****ng c**p. You're not on Masterchef now'

Yes chef!

[oldschooltie]

I refuse to sit on my hands. In the spectrum of crap reality progs this comes out near the top for me.

I'm hooked.

given the top drawer people who get to appear on this gem of a programme, who could possibly disagree?

[Gavin Convery]

I refuse to sit on my hands. In the spectrum of crap reality progs this comes out near the top for me.

I'm hooked.

given the top drawer people who get to appear on this gem of a programme, who could possibly disagree?

You have to wonder whether Jay is biased here given his free dinner and personal attention from GR