The Usual Place
Gourmet Food for the Discerning Gastronaut
STARTERS
Soup du Jour – Last few days’ leftovers in hot water.
Slow Cured Heritage Beef Carpaccio – Some unidentified meat bought by the proprietor's grandmother before she passed away in 1974. (You don’t think we’re going to waste gas cooking that shit, do you?)
Poached eggs on toast – Hand poached from the farmer next door by Dave the sous-commis chef. Dave is toast.
Prawn Cocktail – Ha haha hahaha! There’s always one, isn’t there?
Fresh oysters – Chucked to order by the head chef Antoine Le Gogeron or, as his friends call him, Tony Smith, winner of 29th prize in the school’s gradualation speling kwiz. Severed with minion et sauce.
MAINS
Catch of the Day – Whatever our Masie, bless her, found in the depths of the freezer but believe us, she ain’t no catch.
Prime Steak – It’s the only frigging steak so it must be the prime one, right? Our delightful wait staff will take careful note of your preference re doneness; the chef won’t.
Coronation Chicken – Out of respect, we prefer not to say whose coronation, Victoria!
Traditional Fish and Chips – fried to order at the Chinese take-away up the street.
Chinese Style Fried Noodles – actually leftover spaghetti from the lunch menu with whatever vegetables are cheapest at Tesco’s and pork. At least they told us it was pork.
Tripe and onions – No one has ordered this since World War II, except that Mrs McWhatsit from the next street but Tony keeps it on the menu for a bet. The wait staff are instructed that if she orders it to say it is off and suggest a hamburger then give her directions to McDonalds. Works every time!
DESSERT
Fruit Pie of the Day – same old apple pie every day. Served with lumpy custard. Extra lumps free on request.
French Crèpes – Tesco’s frozen thin crust pizza bases with sugar
Ice cream with Fresh Fruit – if Tony can find the can opener for the fresh fruit. Ice cream is artisan made by the local supermarket’s supplier.
Cheese platter – Kraft slice served on a cracker with one pineapple lump from Tony’s vintage can. Extra slice of cheese - ₤1
NOTE:
A voluntary service charge of 20% will be applied to all bills. Any customer choosing not to pay should apply in person to Big Bill the Bruiser, the door man /bouncer.
All mains are served with choice of Welsh organic rice, fries (not sure what they were in their last incarnation -probably not potatoes), or Keenwhah, Queenwaaagh, shit I don’t know, some shit from the jungle in South America).
All allergies catered for. You got an allergy we are sure to serve it. Vegetarians are advised to seek assistance next door at Dr. Viande’s Clinic for the Disturbed. We do serve vegans, as a special, every Tuesday lunchtime – with or without barbecue sauce.
No children’s menu. Cooking children is illegal.
