Handling the chronically tardy guest ...

[Gifted Gourmet]

How do you deal with the chronically late dinner guest when you dine out? There are some members of my immediate family who are habitually late for meals and, because they are relatives, I can't simply dispose of them, much as I often entertain that idea (legally dispose here! )

I have lied to them about the time when we'll be eating ... like 15 minutes earlier than the actual time of the reservation ... over time they "caught on" ...

Even Dr. Phil, of Oprah fame, has frequently commented that showing up late is a sign of arrogance and lack of respect for the people meeting you ...

Should I simply take the table and a drink while I wait? Not necessarily in that order ...

What would you choose to do?

Options, any and all, gratefully received!!

[bleudauvergne]

Oh lord, you pushed one of my buttons with this topic. We don't depend on meeting anyone at restaurants where we've made reservations anymore. We invite them to our house for drinks at our house a set time and then proceed to the restaurant in a group. Depending on the friends and their reputations for being late, I make the reservation 1-1.5 hours later than they're to arrive at my house.

[Safran]

If I understand correctly, you've made reservations, they're to meet you at that time at the restaurant and are always late. Hum, not fair to you indeed but also not fair to the restaurant staff. That table is probably promised to someone else after your group leaves. Are you a large enough group that you can start without them? When they join you they can order (and you can leave early and let them foot the bill ). Is there no way at all that you can go out without these people?? Also, have you tried discussing this problem with them? (Yeah, I know, I'm no shrinking violet...). Good luck!

[jgm]

It's a tough call, and the answer depends on the extent of your desire to solve the problem.

I love the idea of meeting at home, or elsewhere, and then proceeding to the restaurant together.

Perhaps the mildest way of handling it otherwise, is to be nicely confrontational, and explain to the late parties, the hardship they're placing on others. And I recommend that if you choose to do this, you look them square in the eye and tell them their rudeness to you is not only irritating, but is disrespectful to you, and you expect them to start showing up on time in the future. Habitually being late can be a passive-agressive form of bullying for some people, and the best way to put a stop to it is to nicely confront them about it.

Another way of handling it, is to (with the cooperation of other on-timers), pleasantly penalize them. "Aunt Sophie, since you were 20 minutes late and kept us all waiting, you can buy the first round of drinks."

Another, more aggressive possibility, is one that may not be acceptable to you. It is to explain to the group that you will be joining them only from time to time, because you've had it. And then cut your participation back to about 25% to 30% of what it has been. Alternately, you can tell the latecomers you've decided to exclude them from your plans.

These habitual late-comers will continue to exhibit this behavior as long as they're allowed to. It's up to you to decide where to draw the line, and whether to draw the line, or to just put up with them.

[Busboy]

My guests are worried about what to do with a habitually late host -- and dinner that inevitably goes on the table long after the appointed hour. When my guests are on time, it throws off the whole night.

Funny, that was one of the weird cultural differences I noticed when we moved to Denver for a couple of years: people showing up for dinner on time! It drove me nuts.

Edited March 21, 2005 by Busboy (log)

[Tess]

I like the idea of meeting at one's home. If they don't get there in enough time, cancel the reservation. Or go to a place where you don't call ahead, meet them in the bar and put in for a table only when they show. I'm with those who think it's intolerably inconsiderate to the staff and other diners to hold a table while you wait for the rest of your party.

Eventually, you'll probably have to tell them upfront why you are doing these things but I wouldn't give them a lecture, but just say, "I'm not comfortable inconveniencing the staff" or "The restaurant doesn't want to seat people before everyone has arrived." People who do this kind of thing won't ever perceive that as an issue (after all they are never around to see what it's like holding a table for latecomers), but at least you won't be in that position any more. If you meet them in the bar and they have to sit waiting for an hour because they lost you the reservation, they may even get the point after a while.

[Jason Perlow]

Oh man, I wish I had a solution for this one.

Rachel and I are very close friends with a couple that we've known for almost 10 years -- these people are consistently unconscionably late or don't even show up when they say they are going to show up. They have no sense of time or punctuality whatsoever. We love them to death, but its infuriating as hell.

About two weeks ago we made a lunch appointment for Dim Sum on Sunday -- we confirmed that morning with them for 12:45. "Oh yes, see you at "12:45!".

So we waited and waited. 1:45 comes and goes. We ate our food, the staff is cracking jokes about them perhaps mistaking the time. Then 2:15. Nobody shows up. We pay the check, We leave.

Later we find out that they showed up right after we left. Ugh. Their excuse? "Oh we were in the middle of hanging some curtains and just lost track of the time."

I thought by giving them a nice desk clock as a engagement present when they got married about five years ago was a good message to send, but I guess it hasn't helped.

[Marlene]

How late is late GG? 15 minutes? an hour? for 15 minutes, I'd probably order a drink and take the table. If they are later than that on a regular basis, I'd stop going out to dinner with them.

I have a brother who's late for everything. I, on the other hand, am notorious for being early for everything. It drives my friends nuts.

[Hest88]

Jason, over two hours late is just outrageous!

Personally, if they were always late I'd either only agree to dinners at their house or, if we had to go out, have them meet at our house and if they haven't arrived by the time we have to leave I'd just leave for the restaurant, tell them we were down to two people, and have the offenders show up to a darkened house!

[SobaAddict70]

I get the feeling you're talking about moi...

...although I've gotten better over the years.

er...I hope.

Soba

[Jason Perlow]

I get the feeling you're talking about moi...

...although I've gotten better over the years.

er...I hope. 

Soba

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Nope, not you Stan. But you do have a tendency to vanish in thin air for events you say you are going to!

[emmapeel]

Am I the only one who starts calling the late guest after 10 minutes? After standing in the blistering heat on a New York sidewalk for 1 hour and 15 minutes once, I swore I would never wait for anyone longer than 20 minutes and I stick to it. Standing there, completely wilted (we were not meeting at a restaurant but going to one, and it was before cell phones) they approched, walking slowly, laughing with one another, and completely oblivious to the time. Had I not mentioned how late they were, they never would have apologized, and they glared at me as if I was overeacting.

Also another thing that doesn't work is telling the chronically late that the reservation is earlier than it is. We did that once, and it was the one time they actually showed up! And then they caused a huge scene at Tao ! It was funny ! It gave us the opportunity to say "See how it feels..."

[SobaAddict70]

Mea culpa, mea culpa.

Well now that I've outed myself, I suppose my personal record was four hours.

But that was a long, long time ago. Needless to say, my boyfriend (at the time) and I are no longer talking. (We broke up due to other reasons but being late to my birthday dinner no less was the straw that broke the camel's back.)

Soba

[fifi]

This topic sings to me. A particularly irritating song, I might add.

I am one of the punctual types. I consider those folks that are chronically late to an appointment with me to be self-absorbed, navel gazing air-heads with absolutely no consideration for their fellow man and have no concept of the phrase "common courtesy." In their self-importance they think the world revolves around them. Their kids are probably hellions as well. I could not love such folks. I discard them and tell them why. If it wakes them up, fine. If it doesn't, they stay discarded. There are too many nice and considerate people in this world for me to put up with such moral slobs.

*was that a rant?*

[mizducky]

Heh. I had an old friend with a chronically late sister. Said sister actually had the nerve to say, one time: "You can take any situation, and add 20 minutes of lateness, and turn it into an event!" My friend immediately looked her sister in the eye and said "That does it. I'm never waiting for you again."

I'd give a late member of my dinner party maybe 20 minutes grace (including taking myself off to a secluded spot to discreetly call their cell and see what's up with them). If I can't reach them or otherwise see no sign of them at that point, I'm taking the table myself and ordering. If I'm one of several punctual people waiting on one tardy person, I might not even wait that long. That puts all further consequences of their lateness squarely on the head of the late person. "Oh sorry, I guess we've finished dinner already. Too bad for you, sport."

One of my current best friends is constitutionally incapable of being on time for anything, but this is a known problem he has, and he is totally okay with people starting without him. At least he does arrive eventually.

[*Deborah*]

What I find shocking nowadays is people who are more than 10 minutes late for something and who don't call to tell you their ETA. If you know they're going to be half an hour late or an hour late or whatever it is, then you can plan accordingly, but when you expect them momentarily, it can really put a wrench in the works.

That said, I was recently more than an hour late for a gathering of eGulleters because I thought the restaurant was on a different street than it was (miles apart, as it happened)...I would gladly have called to get directions/warn of my lateness, if I had anyone's number with me but they kindly forgave me, and now I'm not allowed to go to a new place without double-checking the address before I leave.

I am in the "order without them" camp, if they're more than 15 minutes late and no phone call.

[Tess]

I'm starting to agree with whoever said just to have them to dinner at your house or go to their house. Cook or get takeout. If they start insisting on going to a restaurant, just be frank. "You guys have been late one time too many and I don't like getting stuck somewhere waiting for you and/or missing a reservation. But I like spending time with you, so just come over here."

[jsolomon]

If it's for a dinner party at my abode, I usually make sure that the meal is planned to be ready 30 minutes after the scheduled time, so there is some informal "drinks" time while dishes are finished.

At a restaurant? Usually after 10-15 min I give a phone call, and if there is no response, I simply start, or leave, depending.

[ludja]

My guests are worried about what to do with a habitually late host -- and dinner that inevitably goes on the table long after the appointed hour.  When my guests are on time, it throws off the whole night. 

Gunny, that was one of the weird cultural differences I noticed when we moved to Denver for a couple of years: people showing up for dinner on time!  It drove me nuts.

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Hey, this sounds like some of my guests too... Good, but different topic...

[Gifted Gourmet]

self-absorbed, navel gazing air-heads with absolutely no consideration for their fellow man and have no concept of the phrase "common courtesy." In their self-importance they think the world revolves around them. 

*was that a rant?*

←

Not a rant at all but an echo of Dr. Phil ... rudeness is something I am unable to tolerate ...

[Pan]

How do you deal with the chronically late dinner guest when you dine out? There are some members of my immediate family who are habitually late for meals and, because they are relatives, I can't simply dispose of them, much as I often entertain that idea (legally dispose here!  )

I have lied to them about the time when we'll be eating ... like 15 minutes earlier than the actual time of the reservation ...  over time they "caught on" ...  [...]

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Oh well. That would have been my suggestion. One of my cousins used to be so late that we'd tell her a time an hour before we wanted her to show up. She's much more punctual now. I also did this with an former girlfriend -- told her to show up 30 minutes early for a reservation. Unfortunately, she did, and was left cooling her heels for 20 minutes until I showed up. She was upset but realized she had brought on my behavior, pledged to never show up late again, and has had a good track record from then on. She sometimes shows up later than we planned, but never when a reservation is involved, and always calls ahead.

I think my suggestion would be that, if the relatives have caught on that you're telling them a time 15 minutes before the reservation, make it 30 minutes early. Seriously.

I think 15 minutes late in many situations isn't horrible, but it is enough to be annoying when it's habitual.

[Safran]

About two weeks ago we made a lunch appointment for Dim Sum on Sunday -- we confirmed that morning with them for 12:45. "Oh yes, see you at "12:45!".

So we waited and waited. 1:45 comes and goes. We ate our food, the staff is cracking jokes about them perhaps mistaking the time. Then 2:15. Nobody shows up. We pay the check, We leave.

Later we find out that they showed up right after we left. Ugh. Their excuse? "Oh we were in the middle of hanging some curtains and just lost track of the time."

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I have a question for you: are those "friends" late for a flight, or for an exam or anything else that really touches them? Bet you not... I had (yep, "had") a friend like the couple in question who also "just lost track of the time" yet was always on time for exams, flights or anything other activity that was unforgiving....

[Hest88]

Yep, I remember reading an article some years ago, where the punchline was, "But none of these people have ever missed a flight."

[jgm]

Rachel and I are very close friends with a couple that we've known for almost 10 years -- these people are consistently unconscionably late or don't even show up when they say they are going to show up. They have no sense of time or punctuality whatsoever. We love them to death, but its infuriating as hell.

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Nobody's that wonderful. People are my friends because they treat me well; in turn, I treat them well. This is very poor treatment, and I can't imagine putting up with it. After getting kicked in the teeth a few times by "friends" I've developed a policy that there are a lot of truly wonderful people in the world, and I'm going to create more time to spend with them by not spending time with jerks.

If something like this happened to me, I'd be so incredibly pissed that I'd be in a horrible mood and would be the devil to get along with. The friendship would likely end at that point.

As Safran pointed out, these people are on time when they need to be. They will continue to do this to you as long as you put up with it.

[bavila]

Count me in the camp of lose-the-friends-or-deal-with-them-being-late. My issue is a mother-in-law who is habitually late, usually leaving for an event at or after the time she's supposed to arrive. It annoys me but enrages my husband. I've encouraged him to just expect it and not let it upset him too much. She's not going to change, and he's not going to tell her to get lost, so there it is.