Food in Hell

[foodie52]

Actually, the "Water water everywhere..." is from the Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Coleridge, who was high on opium at the time of writing...his own personal hell.

[beans]

Bingo! The way buisness is shaping up in the Flats, that was the perfect fit, just sub Absolut Level vodka...

edit: clarity

Edited April 13, 2004 by beans (log)

[balmagowry]

(Can someone tell me how this man chose Santa Cruz as his home?)

Well, DUH! And what does "Santa Cruz" mean...?

[John Whiting]

One man's meat....

. . . is another man's poisson.

[foodie52]

TOO clever, John......

Enjoyed that one!!

[mags]

Salon did a piece on some books that were written to complement his artwork (don't ask). They're novels that take place in Kinkade-esque towns. One comment about the cover art (a Kinkade painting) mentioned "a lighthouse situated, unhelpfully, in the woods."

hehehehehehehehehehe

That's extremely funny.

[balmagowry]

One man's meat....

. . . is another man's poisson.

I knew I could count on you for the Golden Oldie!

[Sleepy_Dragon]

Hell would look something like Division Street in Spokane, WA.

It's a street of fast food chains intermingled with this incredible array of really bad Chinese places, all of them with crazy amounts of neon climbing up the sides of each wall, over the roof, swirling and curving with the pagodas, all lined up one after another.

Each one advertises "Chinese and American Food", because that's the only way to bring along Uncle Bob who won't eat none of that ornamental food.

But to make it truly Hell, as opposed to merely being in Spokane at any given moment, the only thing you would be allowed to order for all eternity is volcanic red and syrupy sweet 'n' sour pork.

To be washed down with ice water. Ok, maybe only older Chinese folks would think that last bit was hell...

Pat

[Sleepy_Dragon]

Re: Mormon food

you're missing the little chicken salad sandwiches with grapes and almonds in it...and mormanaide (sprite and some random fruit beverage) and the many jello creations other than salad......oh god the jello...

As it was explained to me, green jello = Mormon soul food.

And for whatever reason, ice cream places in Utah seem reknowned for doing these huge sundaes that are basically a giant bowl trucked out to your table with like 14 scoops of different ice cream and a heap of syrup and whipped cream just dumped on top, like Homer Simpson's chocolate cow taking a big old dump over the whole thing.

Pat

[adrober]

Great posts everyone. I'm really glad I asked the question. Now I better answer it:

Here's my Food Hell.

"Hello, I'm Justice Scalia, let me show you to your table."

He totes a gun over his shoulder as he leads me through a mock wilderness with supermarket chickens flopping overhead. Bobby McFerrin is tooting his tunes in a hot air balloon.

"You shoot it, you eat it," says Scalia handing me the gun.

I shoot Bobby McFerrin and I'm immediately taken to the 9th circle.

There, Rachel Ray and Emeril's freakish love child Lonny prepares a soup of Asiago cheese and beef jerky. Noxious vanilla scented candles choke the air and I immediately have the urge to vomit. I run for the nearest bathroom when I bump into the waiter from Charlie Trotters who insists on escorting me. "This way sir," he says and I immediately barf on him.

THE END

[mags]

Ohhhh, thank you, Adam, for reminding me about the scented candles. They really are an essential touch.

But I think folks are missing the point by insisting on dining with people whose political views they loathe. One of the ugly truths of politics is that even Republicans (or whatever group you most detest) may have the capacity to tell good jokes, avoid picking their noses in public, and provide good gossip about the minor celebrity seated three tables away. This doesn't make them any less loathesome -- it just makes them not the worst POSSIBLE dinner companions.

For that, I think, you need people who are fundamentally boring and/or crass to an excruciating extent. (Also, they should have truly objectionable body odor. ) IRS auditors might well fit the bill. People who insist on showing Viewmaster slides of their 1963 vacation in Bakersfield. People who burp as a parlor-trick. Single-tax mavens. People who are really, really interested in collecting Lladro figurines and/or MacDonald's memorobilia.

The possibilities are endless.

[John Whiting]

But I think folks are missing the point by insisting on dining with people whose political views they loathe. One of the ugly truths of politics is that even Republicans (or whatever group you most detest) may have the capacity to tell good jokes . . .

Many public opponents are behind-the-scenes friends who enjoy each other's company -- and even plot together their next high-profile altercation.

[clothier]

Re: Mormon food

And for whatever reason, ice cream places in Utah seem reknowned for doing these huge sundaes that are basically a giant bowl trucked out to your table with like 14 scoops of different ice cream and a heap of syrup and whipped cream just dumped on top, like Homer Simpson's chocolate cow taking a big old dump over the whole thing.

Pat

Did you know that Salt Lake City consumes more ice cream per capita then any other US city?

[FistFullaRoux]

You know, we've been jesting about on the subject, but I think we can all agree on the real food in hell.

Moldy sacks of rice, flour and grain that have been shuffled through various relief agencies and warlord's hands, being reduced in size and/or contaminated along the way. The grain is mixed with dirty water, and served in a dirty bowl. And that's all there is. There isn't enough. You have to share it with a couple of thousand people in the same shape you are.

That room temperature milk I was talking about would cause a riot. The rare duck would be a blessing.

Don't know why I woke up with this thought in my head this morning. It's going to be that kind of a day, I guess.

[Blondie]

Great answer, FistFullaRoux.

[ruthcooks]

Arjay...you forgot Teddy.

[clothier]

You know, we've been jesting about on the subject, but I think we can all agree on the real food in hell.

Moldy sacks of rice, flour and grain that have been shuffled through various relief agencies and warlord's hands, being reduced in size and/or contaminated along the way. The grain is mixed with dirty water, and served in a dirty bowl. And that's all there is. There isn't enough. You have to share it with a couple of thousand people in the same shape you are.

That room temperature milk I was talking about would cause a riot. The rare duck would be a blessing.

Don't know why I woke up with this thought in my head this morning. It's going to be that kind of a day, I guess.

Hmmm.

I think a Sally Struthers comment, though funny, would be inappropriate now, huh?

How about Sam Kinison then?

THEY SHOULD MOVE TO WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!!

[Toasted]

You know, we've been jesting about on the subject, but I think we can all agree on the real food in hell.

Moldy sacks of rice, flour and grain that have been shuffled through various relief agencies and warlord's hands, being reduced in size and/or contaminated along the way. The grain is mixed with dirty water, and served in a dirty bowl. And that's all there is. There isn't enough. You have to share it with a couple of thousand people in the same shape you are.

That room temperature milk I was talking about would cause a riot. The rare duck would be a blessing.

Don't know why I woke up with this thought in my head this morning. It's going to be that kind of a day, I guess.

Wow. Way to harsh my mellow.

[FistFullaRoux]

You know, we've been jesting about on the subject, but I think we can all agree on the real food in hell.

Moldy sacks of rice, flour and grain that have been shuffled through various relief agencies and warlord's hands, being reduced in size and/or contaminated along the way. The grain is mixed with dirty water, and served in a dirty bowl. And that's all there is. There isn't enough. You have to share it with a couple of thousand people in the same shape you are.

That room temperature milk I was talking about would cause a riot. The rare duck would be a blessing.

Don't know why I woke up with this thought in my head this morning. It's going to be that kind of a day, I guess. 

Wow. Way to harsh my mellow.

Sorry, dude. Like I said, it just struck me this morning. It's just that kind of day. I'm off to the vending machine to see what kind of sugar rush I can put myself into.

Sorry all...

[clothier]

maybe you should buy 2...

[Toasted]

No problem! What you said is true, sad but true. I read it just before I was going to write a funny about hell being Thanksgiving with my family every friggin minute of the day. It still would be hell, come to think of it!

[aliwaks]

Ok so first of all everything sounds good but in reality it is poorly executed ( example recently ate at Butterfield Nine in DC was so looking forward to a duck confit salad with morels & toasted hazelnuts and recieved thin gloppy tastless mess with a huge lump of goat cheese in the middle, cartiledge attached to teh confit and nary a morel in site)

Anyway no matter what I would order in my food hell it would be wrong, over cooked , undercooked missing a key ingreident just be crappy but in my food hell each time I ordered I would think that maybe just maybe it would be edible.

The server's only response to anything I say would be Umm I don't know maam and are you still working on that.

A soundtrack of Muzak versions of Cher Songs would be playing either really loud or just soft enough so you can sort of hear it

The table would be uneven, glasses smudged, silverware dirty and i would constantly be loosing my napkin, whomever is dining next to me will be eating some sort of liver with cumin that will smell undgodly.

My dinding companions will have just returned from a facisnating trip to somewhere really really boring and will tell me slowly and delibrately about every single ununsteresting thing that happened to them while thier baby cries and they sing along with the musak

[Devilkitty]

This is starting to sound like the list of punishments from that song in The Mikado.

For me it'd have to be all vegan. I suppose I'd really, really like vegan Hell...

Even the well-done porterhouse lamented above could be rendered palatable (edible at the very least - it would be reminiscent of my childhood) with enough mustard or HP sauce. Try that with a soy "mayonnaise" and tofurkey sandwich.

Edited April 14, 2004 by Devilkitty (log)

[flip6577]

In my hell the act of eating wouldn't be sooooo bad, but the rest of the day would be.

Entree: White Castle Sliders

Drink: Choice of Pepto Bismol or Phillips Milk Of Magnesia

Dessert: Chocolate flavored EX-Lax chews.

I can see the line to the restrooms forming now.

Edited April 14, 2004 by flip6577 (log)

[Lady T]

Ah...but didn't you see? There's only one restroom. It's a one-seater.

And it's feeeeeeeellthy.