Entries: Round Fifteen

[maggiethecat]

Pitch it here.

[Comfort Me]

Proffered as an indy flick!

Project Name: "Cafe au Lait"

A film noir piece set at a window table in Chicago's famed Ann Sather's Belmont Avenue restaurant in 1985, "Cafe au Lait" is a story of love found and love lost -- all over a bottomless cup of coffee. The sepia-toned photography is augmented with a soundtrack including Etta James "At Last", The Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody", Cass Elliot's "Dream a Little Dream" and Vicki Carr's "It Must Be Him".

Danny Young, a twenty-something gay avante guard artist who also doubles as a waiter, is on a date of sorts with Elaina -- a smalltown girl at once both naive and experienced in the ways of the world. Men have used her for physical gratification, but Elaina longs to be loved.

Danny has taken a liking to Elaina and worries that others are taking advantage of her. They talk of relationships, outlining the worst love has thrown at them. Danny tells Elaina she shouldn't sell herself short -- that she deserves a man who will treat her with love and respect. Elaina assumes he is interested in her and daydreams of being loved by someone who values rather than uses her.

Danny begins to talk about his art and how it requires him to look closely at life and to see what others might not see at first glance. As they talk, Danny pours cream into his coffee and, without stirring, brings to Elaina's attention the turbulent world of beauty made by combining the coffee and cream. Having noticed this beautiful dance in his cup, he vows never to stir his coffee, if only to preserve the fleeting beauty for one more moment.

Elaina sees combining the coffee and cream as a sexual metaphor and makes her intentions clear. Danny is surprised by her assumption and tries to let her down easilly, telling her that he isn't interested in a sexual relationship with her, but rather a friendship. When she contiues to try to seduce him, he tells her he is gay. She is offended, hurt, and humiliated. Before leaving the restaurant she picks up her spoon, stirs Danny's coffee, and rushes out into the rainy night, leaving Danny to contemplate beauty and loss. To drown his sorrows in a cup of coffee with cream.

[tryska]

*sigh*

gaydar is a girl's best friend.

[picaman]

"The Burger Club"

Five disparate teenagers (a bitch, a weirdo, a jock, a punk and a geek) are forced to spend their bi-weekly Saturday school detention in an existential search for the ultimate burger.

Jamie

[Carlovski]

"When Jason Met Rachel"

Pretty much like When Harry Met Sally, except THAT scene is played by Jason getting overexcited by the perfect pastrami sandwich.

[Mayhaw Man]

Rick Flips Out

Rick Bayless appearing as an out of work chef who is forced to take a job as an inner city Burger King shift manager. His boss is is an out of work english teacher who takes great pleasure in torturing him at every turn by calling him "Cookbook Boy", and reminding him of his past life as a big shot chef and leader of a group of forward thinking chefs who are out to change the world by enticing people to eat better and to think about what they are eating.

The last scene in this exciting epic is Rick being led off in a straightjacket, still wearing the remains of his take out window headset and a cool Burger King ball cap, screaming, " No! Really! It is a good sandwich and tastes just like the one they serve at Burger King in Puebla! It's good for yoooouuuuu......".

Fade to Credits- Which run as you see the looney wagon driving off- sirens screaming and lights blazing- into the urban sunset.

Edited to say that this will be taken on by the Coen Brothers and that the part of Rick will be played by Steve Buscemi and Harvey Keitel will play the part of The Gneral Manager. John Goodman will appear (as he has to, it is a Coen Brothers movie) as a regular customer who complains about everything and particularly about having the ends cut off his baguette as he orders "The Sandwich".

[Al_Dente]

e.G.

The Extra-Gastronomer

Ten space aliens arrive three years late for their reservation at the French Laundry after traveling 500 light years to get there. Having no choice but to wait six months for the next available seating, they each set out on their own to kill time until the long anticipated event. One alien, e.G., befriends a boy named Elliot who proceeds to unwittingly poison the little space traveler by feeding him a steady diet of fast food, soda, etc (note to studio: basically anything for which we can get some big product placement bucks). The alien, nearing death and living in the boy’s closet, begins to understand how to communicate with Elliot, and in a moving tearjerker sequence speaks his first words in a raspy whisper, “e.G., confirm reservation”. Elliot hands e.G. the phone, and after some inquiries about the availability of wines from the planets Napar and Sonomax (especially the 4756 vintage), the two take off together on a bicycle to the restaurant where e.G. is joyfully reunited with his fellow space creatures. Then, as the camera pans across the happy faces of the alien pals, e.G. recognizes Michael Jackson among them. Fearful for the boy’s safety and virtue, e.G. whisks Elliot back to the safety of his home and family in a dramatic hair-raising rescue scene. As a result, e.G. loses his chance to dine at the galactically famous restaurant but earns the love and respect of the people of Earth.

[bloviatrix]

Edited to say that this will be taken on by the Coen Brothers and that the part of Rick will be played by Steve Buscemi and Harvey Keitel will play the part of The Gneral Manager. John Goodman will appear (as he has to, it is a Coen Brothers movie) as a regular customer who complains about everything and particularly about having the ends cut off his baguette as he orders "The Sandwich".

What's the John Turturro role?

[Fresser]

Edited to say that this will be taken on by the Coen Brothers and that the part of  Rick will be played by Steve Buscemi and Harvey Keitel will play the part of The Gneral Manager. John Goodman will appear (as he has to, it is a Coen Brothers movie) as a regular customer who complains about everything and particularly about having the ends cut off his baguette as he orders "The Sandwich".

What's the John Turturro role?

Fran MacDormand co-stars as Rick's doting wife, making him Croissan'wiches as he shuffles off to work.

"Artisanal ingredients, Rick? Yah, you betcha!"

[Mayhaw Man]

What's the John Turturro role?

I am writing him in as the health inspector. Bayless will be the manager on duty when he shows up and there will be a problem involving a grease trap, a dead rat, and a couple of vials of crack.

Interested investors can reach me by pm and I will give them my Cayman Banking info.

[bloviatrix]

I assume George Clooney and Billy Bob will have small roles or cameos.

[Arey]

Randolph the Unripe Cranberry

An animated film from Nausea Studios about a little cranberry that doesn't bounce in the sorting machine and gets shunted off to a bin filled with other cranberry asauscial misfits. He organizes them into a crack group of cranberry guerillas who take over the processing plant between Thanksgiving and Christmas and hold the entire cranberry industry hostage. Randolph demands $1.99 for each rebel or $3.00 for 2, and a fully fueled jet. The President ("New Jersey, is that near Australia?") advised by his Secretaries of Justice and Defense to invade New Jersey and bomb the plant ("The bomb may take out bits of Delaware and Pennsylvania, as collateral damage"), but since the plant is in the middle of an ecologically sensitive area with several endangered species, it will take at least a month to get the necessary bombing permits. Following an emotional appeal from ex-EPA director Christie Whitman the cranberry industry gives in to Randolph's demands. Randolph and his rebels fly off to Sweden where they all marry loganberries and live happily ever after.

The theme song from the movie begins "Randolph the unripe Cranberry didn't have a bit of bounce ........." and soon becomes a holiday favorite,

[Mayhaw Man]

I assume George Clooney and Billy Bob will have small roles or cameos.

I don't think that the budget involved will allow George to work for us (but we are taking a lunch and seeing what flies ).

Billy Bob is currently having a tattoo done with my name surrounded by renditions of shrimp, oysters, and pigs feet, so I think he will be in there. He is going to be the homeless guy who sits in the corner reading the paper and accosting patrons with harangues about Jesus.

[tryska]

i think you should have billy bob do a slingblade redux...."mmmm - i sher do like these fried pertaters" is more food-oriented.

[reverendtmac]

(here's your trailer - the R rated theatrical version, of course...)

Typical North American "Irish" pub; typical harried detective type sitting at the bar, Marly Reds and Guinness close to hand. He alternates taking huge hauls off of the pint and bigger ones off the smoke.

LUCAS

Cute kid, the one that fucked up Christmas.

Cute, but he wasn't near normal, that's for sure...this kid was bein' primed for something huge. His parents gave us the full Earl Woods treatment after we picked him up.

CUT to MOM and DAD, holding hands, sitting in front of an institutional blue wall

DAD (medium-loud and shaky)

That kid is gonna make Thomas Keller look like Rachel Ray.

MOM (softly)

He...he really loved what he was doing! He had this...this...little starter...with the hickory smoked bacon...and the...the...the capers(bursts into tears)

CUT back to the bar.

LUCAS (lighting a fresh smoke off the old one and talking around it)

Kid doesn't get what he wants the year before, right? Asked for a 6-inch santoku - one of those Globals, he wanted light - and got an XBOX. Most kids'd be doin' roundoffs down 8th, that happened to 'em...but not this kid. He spends the year chewin' lead and shittin' bullets. The whole year. I don't know if I wanna know what kinda fucked up you gotta be to do that at eight.

CUT to ELF ONE and ELF TWO, sitting in same chairs in front of same blue wall

ELF ONE (incredulously)

You think Santa was gonna give an eight year old a knife?

LUCAS (o.c.)

Apparently this kid was special...

ELF TWO

Listen, pal, I don't know if you know how this works. Special or special olympics, knives are on The List - and he doesn't give out. Stuff. On. The. List.

LUCAS (o.c.)

What's on The List?

ELF ONE (rattling it off by rote memory)

Anything that'd get us in trouble with the press. Guns, knives, booze, drugs, Burger King gift certificates.

LUCAS (o.c., sarcastically)

No hookers?

*beat*

ELF TWO

You've never been that good, bud.

CUT back to the bar. The Guinness has been replaced by a bottle of Talisker and a half-full glass.

LUCAS

Kid sets up a little feast for Jolly St. Nick. Shortbread, produce for the reindeer, and a glass of eggnog that'd been...

CUT to MOM and DAD again

DAD

Listen, whenever he asked for a bunch of food, we brought it to him! He asks for veal bones, we're swimmin' in some of the best demi-glace you've ever had. He wants special milled flour, bam! Piles of cookies you'd die for, pal. *beat* All he wanted was some peaches. We thought he was gonna bake!

CUT to the bar. The glass is empty, and he's massaging the bridge of his nose.

LUCAS

The kid copped to everything...went into detail about how the ground glass in the shortbread would have got him eventually, the whole nine. Should have been a closed case.

Then...then came the hitch.

CUT to a prison cell, set up Silence of the Lambs style - Plexiglass walls. THE KID sits inside, surrounded by cookbooks (Larousse, CIA's Pro Chef, Julia, Jacques, Keller, Alton and that sexy Aquavit one)

THE KID

The guards kept Nigella.

LUCAS (o.c., agitated - you can tell this isn't the first time he's asked this question)

Where's the catering?

THE KID (oblivious to LUCAS's tone)

Perhaps you could help with that...

CUT to the bar.

LUCAS (long look at the camera, then shrugs)

Hey, it beats the mother in law's turkey surprise.

CUT to explosive montage of SWAT teams kicking down the kitchen doors of high-end hotels, LUCAS screaming at THE KID while pounding on the plexiglass walls, car chases, explosions, food being batted out of people's hands, etc.

ANNOUNCER

This Christmas...don't stuff yourself.

THE CATERER

CHRISTMAS 2005

[bourdain]

" Die Hard meets Big Night"

" I like it!"

" I mean--we've had Die Hard on a bus, right? And on a boat. A tall office building...How about a restaurant? Food's big now. "

"So..like there's a bomb in the pasta or something?"

"No. no...like the restaurant is taken over by German/vaguely Middle-Eastern terrorists. And instead of like Mario Lanza or whoever coming to dinner at the end--it's the President!!"

"I'm interested..."

" It'll be great..I think we can get Lucas to produce."

"George Lucas? George LUCAS wants to produce?"

"Not exactly..Melvin Lucas, his cousin is interested."

" George Lucas' cousin? That's GREAT!! "

" We can definitely get Spielberg to direct..""

"You think so? That's FANTASTIC!!Steven Spielberg?"

"Well..actually..no. We can get his cousin. Morris Spieberg"

"Steven Spielberg's cousin? That's TERRIFIC! AMAZING!!Who's attached to star?"

" We've got--you're not going to believe this--COSTNER! Costner's attached!"

" Kevin Costner's COUSIN is gonna star? Terrific! We can shoot in Toronto--it's cheap--and it looks just like New York"

" No, dude...we got KEVIN Costner."

" Awwww..fuuuuck. I think we're going to have to pass."

Please remove from competition--as it's an old joke..

Edited December 21, 2003 by bourdain (log)

[StudentChefEclipse]

SANTA CLAWS

Searching for the perfect lobster, a retired toymaker and itinerant gift-deliverer falls afoul of the dreaded crustacean cartel. Discovering their fiendish plan to fund international terrorism through bisques, starters and clarified-butter concessions, our toymaker hero (Santa, for yes, it is he) gathers his band of shorter-than-average experts in demolition, weapons and hot-sugar to thwart the crustacean cartel and make the world safe again for tomalley lovers everywhere.

See this before you go bug-hunting in Baja...

[foodie52]

"War of the Worlds" Christmas Meets Hanukkah

In this sci-fi flick, two warring tribes decide to call a truce during the festive season and resolve their differences in a civilized manner.

The matriarchs of both societies decide to share a kitchen and cook a meal that will cause their families to weep with pleasure and throw down their lasars.

Trouble ensues when Grandma and Bubbie begin to argue over ingredients. Grandma declares that mini marshmallows and cream of mushroom soup must feature strongly in all recipes, while Bubbie insists on commandeering the only pot large enough to cook her brisket, for the next 5 hours.

Family members join in, and food starts to fly....

[MHesse]

"IT'S A WONDERFUL KNIFE"

Crushed to the verge of ending it all by a seemingly endless array of dull cutlery, our hero regains the Holiday Spirit once he obtains a custom made knife and is admitted to the Fine Butchers Institute. The movie ends with the merry group happily hand slicing pastrami, frenching crown roasts, and circumcising newborns.

Available in special director's cut.

Stars:

Wally Cleaver

David Bowie

the one and only Billy Shears

cameo appearance by the Swiss Army

[Arey]

Said that aged degenerate Claus

I have trouble controling my paws.

I lust for my elves,

And my reindeer themselves

Accuse me of breaking the laws.

When my missus aint feeling too huggery,

And my elves greet me with thuggery

I leave my work table

And hie to the stable

For a little affectionate buggery.

I loves all my reindeer, although

Rudolph's my favorite, you know.

Oh the games that we play

In the back of my sleigh!

And, it's me what makes his nose glow.

[Jason Perlow]

Nathan: The Hot Dog King of Coney Island.

The Place: Coney Island, NY

The Man: Nathan Handwerker

From a lowly single push cart to tube steak empire with hundreds and hundreds of retail stores, we follow the rise of hot dog king Nathan Handwerker from his humble origins in Poland in 1892 and his migration to the Big Apple. The great Steeplechase and Luna Parks are prominently featured, with the sweeping musical score and memorable peformances brought to you by the same people who brought you "The Producers"

Starring: Matthew Broderick (as Nathan Handwerker), Nathan Lane as Eddie Cantor , and Joel Gray as Jimmy Durante.

[Janedujour]

"WIZARD OF OZ II"

Cast includes:

Emeril Lagasse...The Wizard

Sara Moulton....Dorothy

Toto....A fattened goose

Sandra Lee....Elvira Gulch and the Wicked Witch of the West

Julia Child...Glynda, the Good Witch

The Scarecrow...Tony Bourdain (now stuffed with tobacco, so a lighted match could still be bad, unless he wanted to smoke a finger or two)

The Tin Man....Jacques Pepin (oil can now filled with extra virgin olive oil, or use melted butter)

The Cowardly Lion....Mario Batali (he 'aint afraid of anythin'....well except Dr. Atkins. No pasta?? RRRRuuuuuggghhhhh!)

The Mayor of Munchkin City...Wolfgang Puck (awfully cute in that green suit and the accent will work)

The Coroner of Munchkin city...Gordon Eliot (just because)

The Munchkins....played by a box of 50

In this sequel Sarah becomes angry that her Christmas gingerbread house just isn't perfect so decides to destroy it. She swings it over and over her head and then lets it fly around the room, but it hits her hard and knocks her out. When she awakes, she's in Munchkinland permeated with that Dunkin' Donuts smell and powdered sugar. The rolling munchkins escort her to the yellow brick cheese road to continue her adventure.

She soon meets her three new pals. Tony is in a corn field, but had just slaughtered a pig back at the barn, and was downing some shots of tequila 'cause he was feeling a bit wobbly. Jacques was in an orchard, but sharpening his knives when his back went out. Mario was in the orchard also, but digging for truffles around the tree stumps.

The three friends encounter Sandra Lee who traps them in her spotless kitchen and tries to force each one to make a dessert using Pillsbury crescent rolls, maraschino cherries, and cool whip. They finally escape when Toto the goose attacks her and then eats all the dough, cherries, and cool whip.

Then it' off to THE EMERIL CITY to try to convince The Wiz that HE needs to go home. He's taken over all the controls at FOODTV and will soon rule the world if they don't stop him.

In the giant palace a huge image of his head has been created from pork fat coated with essence (garlic salt, onion powder, black pepper, paprika, cayenne) and it seems to be screaming at them just saying "BAM!" and "Kick it up a notch!".

Toto sees something and waddles over to the nearby studio kitchen and begins tugging at the real Emeril holding a microphone. He screams "stay away from the man behind the stove!!" but collapses in exhaustion.

When he awakes he's in a cozy bed with Hilder by his side. He says "Where am I Ma?

"Why, your in Fall River, son, where you've always been"

"Really? Gee, I had the strangest dream. And everyone was there. Cousin Sarah, Miss Lee our bitchy neighbor, the farm hands, Tony, Mario and Jacques, and it was really beautiful. But I kept telling everyone that all I wanted was to go home, so they sent me home! There's no place like home."

"Hey Ma, I'm hungry. Fix me some goose liver. Please....?

"Ha ha. Come on. It's time I taught you how to cook.

Light fades as they stroll into the kitchen arm in arm.

THE END

(roaring mgm lion)

Edited January 4, 2004 by Janedujour (log)