Opening a wine bottle

[Carlovski]

I realise this is a rather sad state of affairs.

I noticed yesterday that my housemates must have taken our only functioning corkscrew. I know I'm going to be in desparate need for a glass (or three!) tonight, but am not going to get a chance to get a corkscrew before I get home.

Any tricks I should be aware of?

Or shall I just give up?

[KatieLoeb]

I realise this is a rather sad state of affairs.

I noticed yesterday that my housemates must have taken our only functioning corkscrew. I know I'm going to be in desparate need for a glass (or three!) tonight, but am not going to get a chance to get a corkscrew before I get home.

Any tricks I should be aware of?

Or shall I just give up?

An enterprising friend of mine once opened a bottle of wine with two Volkswagen keys wiggled down the sides of the cork and used in the manner of one of those two bladed phlange cork"screws".

He was a Boy Scout in his youth and I was very impressed with this stunt.

Do you have a Swiss Army knife? There's always a corkscrew on those.

[Chef Shogun]

Le Saberage!

[Rebel Rose]

I find the ever-mighty and versatile pen works just fine.

If you want to save what's left in the bottle, just invert a coffee cup over it. Use glass or ceramic, though, and not anything plastic or metallic. Plastic and foil impart a weird smell.

[mnebergall]

I would get the biggest wood screw I had on hand, a screwdriver and a pair of pliers. Drive the screw into the cork and use the pliers to pull the screw and the cork out.

[tommy]

screwdriver or something and a hammer. bang it *into* the bottle. it's a helluva lot easier to brute force a cork into a bottle than it is out. in my experience.

edit: "brut force". that's a good one.

Edited August 9, 2004 by tommy (log)

[Rebel Rose]

This sounds like a joke . . . let's see . . . A chef, a writer, an engineer, and uh, a kendo expert, had a bottle of wine and no opener . . .

[Carlovski]

I think I might have a swiss army knife knocking around somewhere. I think it's one of those 'Geek' ones though - I hope they haven't replaced the corkscrew with a chip lifter!

[Chef Shogun]

My vote goes out to '$1.50 gas station/supermarket 'hardware' section corkscrew'. That or Saberage, but I've already pitched that.

[AlexP]

Well, we used to open bottles of Rioja by pounding the bottle against a wall. Yeah, we wrap the bottom part of the bottle with a towel and kept hitting, with "delicacy", the bottle against the wall (wall and bottle made a 90-degree angle). The cork would slowly came up, to a point that you could grab it with your fingers and pull it completely. It does work, but obviously, use cheap bottles of wine. By the way, we never had a casualty and we tried this method dozen of times (literally).

This was years ago in Spain, while drinking kalimocho (coke and red wine). To mix the two sometimes we would only had a plastic bag from the supermarket and we would poor everything in the bag and pored the mixture from the bag back onto the 2 little bottle of coke...

Let's just said that I had too much fun growing up in Spain with a legal drinking age of 16... My family got tired of that and they sent me to the US to study...

Alex

[curlywurlyfi]

years of experience (ie a crap corkscrew in the flat I was living in for the last six months) led me to this:

- peel capsule from bottle top

- find a flattish-bottomed kitchen implement eg small wooden spoon, though I have used a cheap metal knife (blunt cutlery knife rather than prep knife); a meat mallet (or similar bashing device); and - vital part - a teatowel

- put the bottle in the kitchen sink. make a fist and hold the bottle top with the little-finger side of your fist and with the rest of your fist hold the wooden spoon handle-down vertically onto the cork. Lag teatowl round fist, bottle top, base of wooden spoon.

- gently gently whilst still holding wooden spoon onto cork bash down wooden spoon with mallet. Keep at it. Eventually, you will force the cork into the bottle and wine will spray everywhere. This is why you are glad you have (a) the bottle in the sink and (b) the teatowel arranged to keep the worst of the wine from drenching you.

- rinse base + sides of bottle, dry with teatowel and pour much-needed glass of wine.

voila. sometimes I feel like a complete student.

edit: clariteeeeee

Edited August 9, 2004 by curlywurlyfi (log)

[Carlovski]

I'm dying to try the lusty blow from the sabre, but I am sure I once heard that this only work effectively with sparkling wine - something to do with internal pressure.

Oh, and my sabre is a little rusty, could try a cricket bat

[ned]

In following with the theme of useful suggestions, don't you have a saber somewhere in the garage? You could even use the machete you keep under your mattress.

Edit:Oi Calovski beat me to the punch.

Edited August 9, 2004 by ned (log)

[Carlovski]

In following with the theme of useful suggestions, don't you have a saber somewhere in the garage? You could even use the machete you keep under your mattress.

My neighborhood isn't that bad!

[Chef Shogun]

Alright, how about this, then. On "Manor House" the Butler opened a bottle of vintage Port by heating a pair of tongs in the oven, then using that to heat the neck of a bottle. The idea (It didn't go off quite this way) was that you'd then take a wet feather and run it around where you heated the bottle. The heat difference would neatly crack the glass and the neck would come right off. This was to avoid getting bits of the ancient cork in the wine.

[Carlovski]

Ahh, the other use for a wet feather

[Busboy]

I think I might have a swiss army knife knocking around somewhere. I think it's one of those 'Geek' ones though - I hope they haven't replaced the corkscrew with a chip lifter!

A good friend had a Swiss Army Knives she carried everywhere. Not only were the corkscrew and the bottle opener put to good use, but she used the tweezers as a roach clip.

Kind of made me want to join the Swiss Army.

PS anyone ever seen the New Yorker cartoon of a "French Army Knife?" It's just like the Swiss version, except all the blades are corkscrews.

[mnebergall]

I think I might have a swiss army knife knocking around somewhere. I think it's one of those 'Geek' ones though - I hope they haven't replaced the corkscrew with a chip lifter!

A good friend had a Swiss Army Knives she carried everywhere. Not only were the corkscrew and the bottle opener put to good use, but she used the tweezers as a roach clip.

Kind of made me want to join the Swiss Army.

PS anyone ever seen the New Yorker cartoon of a "French Army Knife?" It's just like the Swiss version, except all the blades are corkscrews.

How about the Saturday Night Live "Swiss Army Gun." It looks like a Swiss Army knife, only it is bigger and has a gun barrel and stock that fold out. I guess you could use it to shoot the neck off of the bottle.

[LOS]

It's actually best to just push the cork into the bottle with your thumb. That way you can control the speed and not send wine spraying everywhere. In fact, I just did this on Saturday.

[jsolomon]

Step 1: Jack up the rear end of your rusted out '54 Ford pickup truck.

Step 2: Remove rear tires

Step 3: Take off cover of rear differential

Step 4: Remove seal and bearings from both sides of rear axle

Step 5: Turn spider gear in rear differential until locking bolt can be reached

Step 6: Remove locking bolt holding rear axles together

Step 7: Remove rear axles

Step 8: Place locking bolt against cork

Step 9: Beat bolt with lead hammer

Step 10: Take care not to drop greasy bolt into wine.

Step 11: Drink lustily from bottle

Edit to add: Leave '54 Ford pickup to rust in yard afterward

Edited August 9, 2004 by jsolomon (log)

[Chef Shogun]

Jsolomon: Good one, Uncle Red!

-- C.S.

"I'm a man, I can change. If I have to...I guess." -- The Man's Prayer

Edited August 9, 2004 by Chef Shogun (log)

[arielle]

This isn't quite going to help you, but it's a funny wine with no corkscrew story. A couple of years ago, my friend and I were accidentally locked in the office/wine cellar at my restaurant. We waited, sure that someone would notice that we had not returned, and after about half an hour, I gave up and offered her a drink. Then we realised that surrounded by hundreds of bottles, we had nothing to open them. In utter despair, we prepared ourselves to a night of dehydration and sobriety, until I remembered that there was a hammer in there....somewhere. We found it, and instead of breaking open a bottle of wine, I used it to open us a few beers, which was sorely needed since we weren't discovered for another hour and a half!!!!!! (what were they all thinking?)

[tanabutler]

Um, can't you borrow one from a neighbor?

[winesonoma]

Funny I usually have to figure out what corkscrew to use.

[KatieLoeb]

A couple of years ago, my friend and I were accidentally locked in the office/wine cellar at my restaurant. We waited, sure that someone would notice that we had not returned, and after about half an hour, I gave up and offered her a drink. Then we realised that surrounded by hundreds of bottles, we had nothing to open them.

This is my own personal vision of hell. Locked in a well stocked wine cellar with no corkscrew.