The Benefits of Beer

Susan in FL · May 25, 2004

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

"24 hours in a day, 24 bottles in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

"BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!" ~ "Unknown"

And, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers... One afternoon Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing off the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Gifted Gourmet · May 25, 2004

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."

-Frank Zappa

Until I felt a filthy swine
For loathing beer and liking wine,
And rotten to the very core
For thinking village inns a bore,
And village bores more sure to roam
To village inns than stay at home.

-John Betjeman

Most regional breweries are patronised by people who knit their own yoghurt.

(don't know who said this but I loved it! :laugh:

Edited May 25, 2004 by Gifted Gourmet (log)

Mayhaw Man · May 25, 2004

Homer Simpson

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this
and I can get back to killing you with beer.

.

jsolomon · May 25, 2004

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
-- Brendan Behan

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"

beergirl · May 25, 2004

Here are some of my favorites (it was hard to stop at these.)

“I am thoroughly convinced that bad beer produces Communism…” - H.L. Mencken

"Buying an import is like buying day-old bread and then paying extra for it. If you want fresh bread, buy local." - Tom Pastorius of Penn Brewing

"If there's only one McDonald's in your town, you can sell burgers like McDonald's. But if there's one on every corner, brother, you better start selling steak." - Greg Koch, Stone Brewing Company

“I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.” Abraham Lincoln

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm, emperor

Good people drink good beer. --Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, journalist/author

I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety. --William Shakespeare, playwright

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. --Henry Lawson, poet

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious visions clamber
Through the chambers of my brain.
Quaintest thoughts--queerest fancies,
Come to life and fade away:
What care I how time advances?
I am drinking ale today.
--Edgar Allen Poe, poet

A little bit of beer is divine medicine. --Paracelsus, Greek physician

All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow beer. --Dave Berry, writer

Beer, if drank with moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit, and promotes health. --Thomas Jefferson, President

The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. --Russian Proverb

An international trade in quality beers has developed in recent years to the great benefit of Belgium, whose brewers are seen, rightly or wrongly, as the most talented in the world. But I fear that the market makers, most of whom drink wine by preference, look at the rapid growth of easily made variants of Pils and calculate that trash sells as well as good stuff but carries fewer risks. -- Tim Webb, author

Whiskey's too tough,
Champagne costs too much,
Vodka puts my mouth in gear.
I hope this refrain
Will help me explain,
As a matter of fact,
I like beer.
--Tom T. Hall, singer/songwriter

bainesy · May 25, 2004

I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case and the other case - we only got one case left - Barney Gumbal, The Simpsons

All right, Homey, you're overstimulated. As soon as we get you home, we'll get some beer into you, and then it's straight to bed. Marge Simpson

And one that always resonates (not that I've any fame to give, but, well, you know...)

Would I were in an alehouse in London! I would give all my fame for a pot of ale. - Shakespeare, Henry V

Gifted Gourmet · May 25, 2004

The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen

"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer."
Dave Barry

Edited May 25, 2004 by Gifted Gourmet (log)

naguere · May 25, 2004

This poem does it for me:

588. Beer

By George Arnold

HERE,

With my beer

I sit,

While golden moments flit:

Alas! 5

They pass

Unheeded by:

And, as they fly,

I,

Being dry, 10

Sit, idly sipping here

My beer.

O, finer far

Than fame, or riches, are

The graceful smoke-wreaths of this free cigar! 15

Why

Should I

Weep, wail, or sigh?

What if luck has passed me by?

What if my hopes are dead,— 20

My pleasures fled?

Have I not still

My fill

Of right good cheer,—

Cigars and beer? 25

Go, whining youth,

Forsooth!

Go, weep and wail,

Sigh and grow pale,

Weave melancholy rhymes 30

On the old times,

Whose joys like shadowy ghosts appear,

But leave to me my beer!

Gold is dross,—

Love is loss,— 35

So, if I gulp my sorrows down,

Or see them drown

In foamy draughts of old nut-brown,

Then do I wear the crown,

Without the cross! 40

Blondie · May 25, 2004

"The Workman's Friend" by Flann O'Brien

When things go wrong and will not come right,

Though you do the best you can,

When life looks black as the hour of night -