Hideous Recipes

[mags]

For some years now, I've had in the back of my mind the notion of throwing a Dreadful Dinner Party. This dream was catalyzed by an issue of Gourmet from about 1967, which featured a recipe for a dish called something like Polynesian Beef Delight. It involved browning quite a large quantity of sirloin chunks, and then mixing them with soy sauce, ketchup, chopped sweet pickles, muenster cheese and a few other improbably ingredients, and then baking the whole concoction, presumably until everything was really most sincerely dead. The Delight was to be served (and this was my favorite bit) with sauteed bananas "as the chef desires." Absolutely! Bring on the sauteed bananas! Couldn't be any worse, right?

With Delight as the centerpiece, I conceived the idea of a menu made up entirely of awful recipes. There are only two rules: 1) The recipe has to sound just staggeringly vile, and 2) The recipe has to come from a "serious" food publication -- this precludes both stuff like White Trash Cooking and, sadly, the recipe for "Undescended Twinkies" in Square Meals, which would otherwise have made a lovely and appropriate dessert. I'm soliciting ideas here, but mindful of Egullet's level of sophistication, I'd like to add a third rule: No Weird Shit -- i.e., no "authentic" recipes involving witchetty grubs or raw buffalo testicles or deep-fried bugs. So are there any recipes you've seen that made you swallow hard and think "Jesus, why would ANYBODY cook that?"

[melkor]

From 'The American Wine Cookbook' c 1941:

Pork Cake

Ingredients -

salt pork

sherry

molasses

sugar

cinnamon

cloves

allspice

flour

baking soda

salt

orange peel

lemon peel

citron

raisins

currants

walnuts

and eggs

What could sound better than a cake made from salt-pork and sherry? The recipe says it only has to bake for 2 hours.

[ellencho]

While most people would find this recipe dreadful and vile, I have to admit, I am a big fan of pork and pork products, especially bacon. Therefore, when I saw the Two Fat Ladies on Foodtv a couple years back making Mitton of Pork, I was thoroughly disgusted but captivated nonetheless. Basically it's a pork bombe. Line an oven proof bowl with bacon, then layer with pork loin and stuffing until you reach the top, which you then layer with a final layer of bacon.

Here's the recipe for anyone interested: Mitton of Pork.

I'm not sure if this recipe counts as staggeringly vile, there isn't anything ALL that nasty in it, but if you visit the link above, these are the nutritional values for this dish

Per Serving (excluding unknown items): 2099 Calories; 141g Fat (62.3% calories from fat); 191g Protein; 2g Carbohydrate; trace Dietary Fiber; 500mg Cholesterol; 3875mg Sodium. Exchanges: 0 Grain(Starch); 26 1/2 Lean Meat; 16 Fat.

Lastly, does being published on the Food network website count as being a "serious" food publication? Either that, or I'm sure it's published in one of their books.

[Varmint]

First, don't think this is a hideous recipe, because it ain't. Nevertheless, the combination may sound terrible to some people, but I am dying to try it.

A friend recently described to me some truffles made by our very own phlawless from Magnolia Grill that consisted of chocolate, peanut butter, and bacon. I WANT SOME!!!

[Katherine]

What are you planning on feeding your guests, or do you expect them to be so grossed out they will not want to eat real food?

[mags]

While most people would find this recipe dreadful and vile, I have to admit, I am a big fan of pork and pork products, especially bacon. Therefore, when I saw the Two Fat Ladies on Foodtv a couple years back making Mitton of Pork, I was thoroughly disgusted but captivated nonetheless. Basically it's a pork bombe. Line an oven proof bowl with bacon, then layer with pork loin and stuffing until you reach the top, which you then layer with a final layer of bacon.

Here's the recipe for anyone interested: Mitton of Pork.

I'm not sure if this recipe counts as staggeringly vile, there isn't anything ALL that nasty in it, but if you visit the link above, these are the nutritional values for this dish

Per Serving (excluding unknown items): 2099 Calories; 141g Fat (62.3% calories from fat); 191g Protein; 2g Carbohydrate; trace Dietary Fiber; 500mg Cholesterol; 3875mg Sodium. Exchanges: 0 Grain(Starch); 26 1/2 Lean Meat; 16 Fat.

Lastly, does being published on the Food network website count as being a "serious" food publication? Either that, or I'm sure it's published in one of their books.

Well, to be fair, the nutritional counts on the Mitten recipe assumes that the recipe serves....1. And if you can eat 1/2 pound bacon plus 1 1/2 pounds pork plus 6 oz. of stuffing....you're a better man than I am, Gunga Din. I suspect the recipe is actually intended to serve 4, which knocks the nutritional counts down to a less staggering level.

But I'm with Varmint -- I think it sounds delicious. But the bacon-and-chocolate truffles might make for a LOVELY little after-dinner treat with coffee.

And yeah, I think FoodTV counts.

And you know, the pork cake just isn't that weird -- it's basically a version of a classic fruitcake, using pork fat instead of suet. WE CAN DO BETTER!

[chezcherie]

So are there any recipes you've seen that made you swallow hard and think "Jesus, why would ANYBODY cook that?"

"Semi-Homemade" anything, ala Sandra Lee.

[mags]

What are you planning on feeding your guests, or do you expect them to be so grossed out they will not want to eat real food?

I have a strong suspicion that take-out pizza will be involved.

[dls]

But I'm with Varmint -- I think it sounds delicious. instead of suet.

I agree. Sounds pretty good.

Can't say it's from a "serious " publication, but you may want check out some of the recipes referenced in the following link. If you can't find something here to truly revolt your guests, you (or maybe they) are beyond help.

http://bertc.com/recipes.htm

[ruthcooks]

Here are some recipes submitted to a community cookbook I once edited:

a cocktail involving gin, canned peaches and a blender

leftover cauliflower served with spaghetti sauce

chicken breasts cooked in canned mushroom soup and 7-Up

All from the same woman. She represented one of the group's sponsors so I had to include at least one of her recipes to be polite: the cocktail won, mainly because the thought of the other two made me nauseous.

P. S. The book was a "serious" publication with some seriously good recipes. The word had gotten out that I would have no truck with Cool Whip recipes and the like, but this lady evidently didn't hear.

Edited February 16, 2004 by ruthcooks (log)

[Katherine]

My ex-mil made a meatloaf that looked and tasted like dog food. I'm sure she used the fattiest hamburger available, a packet of some sort of French's seasoning mix, and lots of bread torn into irregular pieces to soak up the grease. What else, I didn't want to know.

The standards were pretty low at that household, but everybody agreed this was way below the bar.

To get the flavor right, I think you'd need to add some sort of processed soy product, like a texturized soy protein. Tofu is too tasty.

[Mayhaw Man]

Here's the recipe for anyone interested: Mitton of Pork.

I'm with Varmint on this one. It might need more butter though. Perhaps there was a printing mistake.

[ludja]

I glanced through a few of the first cookbooks I bought in grad school. Here's a beaut from "Great Meals in One Dish":

Frankfurter Sukiyaki

1 pound frankfurters

2 cups fresh spinach

4 carrots

1 med. onion

1/4 lb mushrooms

1 can (16 oz) bean sprouts (didn't know these came in cans!)

4 Tbs veg. oil

1/2 cup soy sauce

4 Tbs sugar

1/2 cup sake or dry sherry

Cut up frankfurters and vegetables in chunks.

The cooking method is "a la minute" for each diner (4).

Heat 1/4 of veg oil in skillet; add frankfurters. Pour in 1/4 of soy sauce and sprinkle meat with 1 Tbs of sugar. Cook until frankfurters are glazed. Push to one side and add in 1/4 of vegetables. Sprinkle with sherry and cook until crisp tender. Remove to individual serving plates and repeat 3 times.

Ugh!!!! This almost makes me ill just reading it.

[mags]

Ooooh, ludja, that looks VERY promising! Particularly as it would go nicely with the Polynesian Beef Delight. I must say, though, I'm amazed they opted for fresh mushrooms: canned would have been so much better suited to the dish's essential gestalt.

[Mabelline]

ruthcooks, I'd have picked the drink, too. At least you could "adjust" till the proportions made you forget the ingredients.

What's that nostalgia cookbook site with pictures? Maybe you could save money and put a blowup of the yukka tukka -sorry- then behind that have the real food. I don't think I could make it through the process of some of those on dls's link.

[tryska]

how about one of those bizare congealed salads involving jello and miracle whip?

maybe involving peas too.

something like this...perhaps?

[dls]

Something for dessert from the somewhat "serious" Hormel Kitchens Cookbook.

Savory International Spam Cheesecake

http://www.hormel.com/kitchen/recipe.asp?id=814

[melkor]

Meatloaf with hard boiled eggs and pickels baked into it.

[Mabelline]

Meatloaf with hard boiled eggs and pickels baked into it.

Melkor,that, i'm ashamed to confess, is my conehead SIL's idea of fancy cooking.... ....bloom where you are planted---she was obviously planted in styrofoam peanuts.

[Cusina]

How about tang pie?

We need a little hurling clickable smilie.

[mags]

Oh gosh, this is swell. We've got the gin-and-canned peaches cocktail, to be served with crackers and the (shuddering) Spam cheesecake. For a salad course, there's the -- this truly blows my mind -- chicken congealed with canned chicken-noodle soup, COOL WHIP (!!) and mayonnaise on a bed of lettuce, Beef Delight as an entree, and Tang pie for dessert. My one concern is that both the Tang pie and the spectacularly weird congealed chicken salad contain Cool Whip. Ordinarily I would avoid repeating an ingredient like that. Do you think it's a problem here?

Also, we could use a starch and one or two veg sides -- unless people feel that the hot-dog-and-canned-bean-sprouts dish could do vegetable duty. I personally feel it might make the menu a bit too heavy on the protein.

Oh yes, and then there's the bacon-and-chocolate truffles with coffee.

[Varmint]

How about Viennese Rarebit, featuring vienna sausages? Lots more recipes that include your favorite canned goods such as "potted meat", "Stew" and "Treet"!!!

[JennyUptown]

How about tang pie?

We need a little hurling clickable smilie.

Even I wouldn't eat that (and I love Tang).

[mrbigjas]

What's that nostalgia cookbook site with pictures?

You talking about this one?

[tryska]

how about something light from those scary weight-watchers cards?