2003 BEARDIES

[bourdain]

JJ Hunsekker here, reporting from the foodie heart of darkness:

Ahh yes...another interminable, self-congatulatory cluster-fuck.Excrutiating, endlessly repeated (and very bad) music, hideous stage design, utterly inept video presentations--and the inexplicable choice of Swoozie Kurtz as Master of Ceremonies (What's the food connection there?). After a bizarre salute to the Buffalo chicken wing (really!) and a moment of feigned civil disobedience from ST MARIO BATALI (in black tux, cut off at the knees with bright orange high tops) he threw fistfuls of cigars to the crowd--a not so impromptu salute to the pleasures of tobacco. Some good guys actually brought home the gold. Big winners? FRENCH LAUNDRY for Outstanding Service....(CW Spenser--when brought back from Coventry will be dismayed to read that Allegedly odiferous Jean-Luc Le Du of DANIEL won for Outstanding Wine Service)...GRANT ACHATZ of TRIO as Rising Star Chef....ZUNI CAFE big winner as BEST RESTAURANT....but best moments for me were MARCUS SAMUELSSON winning Best Chef NY and (drum roll please) ERIC RIPERT winning Outstanding Chef US. VERY happy to see that. It was nice to see him acknowledge his crew--by name--and he shut down service a few moments at Le Bernardin after receiving the award to conference call with his cooks.

Downstairs, white clad extortion victims doled out snacks to a mix of winners, losers, those who love them--and the usual schnorrers (a goodly number of whom apparently spent the entire ceremony at the 8th floor bar) . BLACKBIRD's PAUL KAHAN served up some very tasty sweetbreads..the utterly fabulous always-on-the-job ARIANNE DAGUIN of DARTAGNAN gabbed your humble reporter in a head-lock and force marched him over to her table to try a medallion of venison (delicious)..THOMAS KELLER, wandering alone and largely unrecognized through the crowd much of the evening made me squeal and blush with girlish delight when he said he'd really enjoyed the legendary FRENCH LAUNDRY SEGMENT on A COOKS TOUR . In a rare friendly overture to my fellow FN toilers, I offered a hand and a compliment to ALTON BROWN (who I'd never met and whose show is pretty damn informative, I think). He responded as if I'd just deposited a warm deposit of whiskey shit in his paw. Cutting me pretty much cold. Have I ever said anything bad about Alton? Don't think so. Well let me change that now: The Spiky-haired twat's earlier award presentation was arrogant and brainier-than-thou--(Poindexter looked like he'd rather have been mowing his lawn)-- and about as well-received by the crowd as an envelope full of ebola. So there!

Later, with the victorious Eric Ripert and soon-to-be-a-mom wife, SANDRA (looking beautiful as always) to Balthazar to scarf towers of truly wonderful shellfish: with fellow revelers ROCCO DI SPIRITO, ALAIN DUCASSE, MAGUEY LE COZE, ALAN RICHMAN, LAURENT MANRIQUE and others; a really nice assortment of mussels, oysters, clams, head-on shrimp, crab claws, lobster, whelks and periwinkles..followed by dinner. In my case, a very nice sardine appetizer, a decent steak--and the worst fucking frites EVER. Rocco, by the way, was extremely, extremely gracious, proposing a very generous and well-worded toast. Rocco surprised the hell out of me with his beautiful command of French (which pissed me off no end cause I suspect it's better than mine--and I JUST spent six damn weeks at Berlitz brushing up!).

The whole ceremony will be aired on A&E, I believe this Sunday

[pixelchef]

Haha, no one can say it better than you, Tony. Delightful. Envelope full of Ebola? Nice touch. :)

[Ron Johnson]

He travelled into the heart of darkness only to discover that his target was SWOOSIE Kurtz.

Kind of disappointing to hear that Alton was an asshole, but it comports with other reports I have heard from trusted sources. I believe he also snubbed an invite to do a Q&A here on eGullet.

[Monica Bhide]

Agree with Pixelchef.

[Fat Guy]

the inexplicable choice of Swoozie Kurtz as Master of Ceremonies (What's the food connection there?)

Perhaps it was on account of her role in The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom.

[Bond Girl]

Great report Tony! I actually am suppose to have gone to this, after having pestered all my friends for a pass, but blew it off at the last minute due to an anti-social whim. Looks like I didn't missed much, may be except for the cigars... Was it at least decent cigars that Mario threw into the crowd?

Edited May 6, 2003 by Bond Girl (log)

[GordonCooks]

Ahh yes...another interminable, self-congatulatory cluster-fuck.Excrutiating, endlessly repeated (and very bad) music, hideous stage design, utterly inept video presentations--and the inexplicable choice of Swoozie Kurtz as Master of Ceremonies

That's gold

Much deserved Congrats to Chef Ripert and Chef Samuelson. A limp handshake to Jean Luc - he's gets my vote for the most aloof, bow-legged stroll.

I'd like to see Tim Kopec get a little recognition

edited for grammar

Edited May 6, 2003 by GordonCooks (log)

[bourdain]

Yes! Tim Kopec is The Man!

[Really Nice!]

THOMAS KELLER, wandering alone and largely unrecognized through the crowd much of the evening made

That's a shame. It's one thing to enjoy being anonymous while in the general public, but to be a person of his caliber in excellence and be unrecognized among your peers... Da bastards!

FRENCH LAUNDRY for Outstanding Service....(

This is a topic for a book I would love to see coming from the French Laundry. I already have two, the CIA's, Remarkable Service, and Charlie Trotter's, Lessons in Excellence. To read how Thomas and Laura train their staff would make a great read for me. Each time I'm there I'm overwhelmed at how they do it.

[Lady T]

It's always great to see something like that from an insider's point of view. Thanks!

[jhlurie]

Very enjoyable insights, as usual.

By the way, did anyone stay up late last night to see Hunter S. Thompson on Conan O'Brian's show last night? Really I hope people stop accusing Tony of ripping him off, 'cause I'd hate to think he'd be like that in another 30 years.

[=Mark]

Very enjoyable insights, as usual.

By the way, did anyone stay up late last night to see Hunter S. Thompson on Conan O'Brian's show last night?  Really I hope people stop accusing Tony of ripping him off, 'cause I'd hate to think he'd be like that in another 30 years. 

I saw Nigellla On Conan last night...

[Suzanne F]

the inexplicable choice of Swoozie Kurtz as Master of Ceremonies (What's the food connection there?)

Perhaps it was on account of her role in The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom.

Naw -- probably because of her role in the revival of "House of Blue Leaves" a few years ago: Bananas Shaughnessy.

[Mebutter]

the inexplicable choice of Swoozie Kurtz as Master of Ceremonies (What's the food connection there?)

Perhaps it was on account of her role in The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom.

Naw -- probably because of her role in the revival of "House of Blue Leaves" a few years ago: Bananas Shaughnessy.

And Swoozie was so good in that role, too. It was at Lincoln Center in 1986.

Christine Baranski was in that production as well. Wasn't her character named Bunny Flingus? (I know this has nothing to do with this thread but Bunny Flingus does sort of rhyme with one of the words Mr. Bourdain used so brilliantly in his wonderful piece on getting published.)

[Fat Guy]

At the Journalism Awards dinner, Swoosie was in attendance but did not have any sort of public role. My friend said to me, "Hey, that woman looks like, what's her name, Swoosie Kurtz." And I said, "Nobody looks like Swoosie Kurtz. It's either Swoosie Kurtz or it isn't." We agreed that it was. Others at our table had their doubts. Later we were vindicated.

[pixelchef]

By the way, did anyone stay up late last night to see Hunter S. Thompson on Conan O'Brian's show last night?  Really I hope people stop accusing Tony of ripping him off, 'cause I'd hate to think he'd be like that in another 30 years. 

I saw it.

And yes, if Tony is ANYTHING like that in 30 years, it'll be a sad, sad day. At first, I thought it was all a big gag. Then, when I realized that is actually how Thompson genuinely acts, I entered a deep, dark depression. It has since passed. I had some ice cream.

[Lesley C]

I would think Rocco's Italian is pretty good as well.

Looks, brains, charm and knife skills... Why is this man still single?

[pixelchef]

Must be the bedroom, Lesley. Though his knife skills may be wonderful in the kitchen, maybe he can't "cut" it in the bedroom. At least, that's what I'm going to tell myself.

[Lesley C]

[Aurora]

the inexplicable choice of Swoozie Kurtz as Master of Ceremonies (What's the food connection there?)

Perhaps it was on account of her role in The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom.

Naw -- probably because of her role in the revival of "House of Blue Leaves" a few years ago: Bananas Shaughnessy.

And Swoozie was so good in that role, too. It was at Lincoln Center in 1986.

Christine Baranski was in that production as well. Wasn't her character named Bunny Flingus? (I know this has nothing to do with this thread but Bunny Flingus does sort of rhyme with one of the words Mr. Bourdain used so brilliantly in his wonderful piece on getting published.)

Naw. It had to be her role on Love Sidney that made Swoosie's selection a slam dunk.

Tony -- thanks for the report. I loved it, but I think the chances of it being nominated next year are a tad slim.

[Pan]

I can only add to others' compliments of your writing, Tony. You are a treasure.

[kpurvis]

Yeah, but Tony -- was it you who lit all those cigarettes and stubbed them out in the ashtrays by the Marriott elevators? And when it comes to your snubbing by Alton: I know how you feel. You gave me the same look when I said hello. I'm not bitter, mind you. One of the joys of being a mid-40s woman is getting to walk by the gaggle of young women clustered around Bourdain. What do you do, smear honey on your tux?

Re Swoozie Kurtz: Does Jane Jetson know she borrowed her wig?

Sorry I missed you at the journalism dinner, Fat Guy. I had a Lee Brother keeping an eye out but he never spotted you. I really did want to pay my respects.

Best part of the Beard awards for me this year: The Sunday night party at Noche. Hot roast pork and cold Mojitos, plus Jacques Pepin, who gets his own gaggle of sweet young things. Watching it all, I was a happy girl.

[foodie52]

Tony, you're not a treasure...you're a (edited)menace to the IACP!

Long may you reign!

(And I can't wait to see you in Austin.....)

Edited for ladylike-ness....

Edited May 7, 2003 by foodie52 (log)

[Kim WB]

edited, because, well, life's too short to be negative.

Edited May 7, 2003 by Kim WB (log)

[Miguel Gierbolini]

I never heard of Swoosie Kurtz . . .