The daily Gullet Writing Competition

[maggiethecat]

The Daily Gullet Literary Competition

Your opportunity to be Bud Trillin. Or M.F.K. Fisher. Or even just Steven Shaw

Q: Where can you find more talented writers than at the Iowa Writer's Workshop, and more egos than at a celebrity chef cook-off?

A: On eGullet.com, of course.

I'm here to announce, on behalf of the site, the kickoff of yet another success-destined enterprise to ensure that The Daily Gullet is the first click in the morning for every gourmet, gourmand, connoisseur, epicure, and wannabe on the Web.

So come one, come all: we hereby invite every eGullet member who has the writer's itch to dazzle us with brilliant writing on a topic determined by us. The three best entries will be featured in The Daily Gullet. The rest will be placed in a public archive on the message boards, unless they're really terrible, in which case they won't be published at all -- unless they're really, really terrible, in which case they might win.

Think of the rewards:

- An audience of millions. Think of it . . . millions!

- Your stuff might catch the eyes of an agent, either literary or FBI Special. Hope is like poussin, a thing with feathers.

- You'll get the opportunity to send the link to your piece to everyone who thought you'd never amount to much. And they'll think they were right. But we'll know they were wrong.

- The glaze on this sticky bun? Our fearless leader, founder, and Big Guy, Jason Perlow, will provide an eGullet tee shirt to the first prize winner -- ideal attire for that Beard House dinner, at which you'll pick up your next award.

I shall be the contest administrator-in-chief, and shall chair the three-person panel of judges. Janet Zimmerman (aka JAZ) and Dave Scantland (aka Dave the Cook) will round it out. The composition of the panel may shift occasionally. Steven Shaw (aka Fat Guy) will serve as the panel's spiritual leader and management consultant.

The decision of the judges is very final -- so final there is no English word for this degree of finality.

The top three entries will be published on a Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in ascending order of brilliance.

We hope to make this a frequent feature, but we're leaving the timeframe fluid until we find out how many entries we can expect, and the amount of time that Janet, Dave and I need to anoint the next Tony Bourdain.

Contest topics will vary from the sublime to the seriously silly. I will give a hint as to length, but the subject itself should easily provide its own guideline.

So, fire up your Powerbook, or grab a pencil. Prepare to channel Ron Popeil. Our first topic is an amuse-gueule:

Write a late-night TV ad for the not-yet-available-in-any-stores kitchen gadget of your dreams.

Brief example:

Tired of messy, unaligned ziti? Of course you are! How many times have you burned your fingers trying to line those little rebellious tubes up so that they sit nicely side by side, one on top of two, through steaming sauces and sweating brows? More times than you have fingers left! Well kiss those blistered fingers and radical ziti good-bye with the NEW POCKET ZITI PLAZER from the folks at eGullet!

(Courtesy of Jinmyo)

Talk fast. Four paragraphs should provide plenty of time to sell your gizmo to every insomniac eGulleteer. At the low, low price $29.95 (US) each, you'll be dining at El Bulli by May Day.

How to do this?

Just post your contest entry on this here thread, as a reply to this message. Your entry will go into a queue and be reviewed by the judges. To encourage originality and suspense, your entries will not be visible to any other users for the duration of the contest. At the end, we will release the queue into a publicly viewable archive and we'll publish the winners in The Daily Gullet.

The fine print:

- Make me your first contact for questions, comments, gripes, and brilliant ideas. Please do not post questions or comments about the competition here. This thread is exclusively for submissions. PM me with your questions.

- Please send me your own tasting menu of possible contest topics. You'll get credit.

- If your name appears in color on the Active Members list, it is honor enough. Finish that piece you promised Fat Guy last month. Colorized users may submit entries, for fun, and they will be added to the public archive -- but they can't win.

[maggiethecat]

Because I've had a few PMs on the subject, and because I know that there's nothing like that adrenaline rush to get inspiration flowing, here's the :

DEADLINE: Midnight, Friday, April 11th. We won't be fussy if it's a couple of hours late.

[Batgrrrl]

Okay, here goes: I leave it up to you guys to decide if this is appropriate! I realize it might be stepping on some people's toes.

Batgrrrl

In honor of the season…to be read in a televangelist voice.

Brothers, sisters, I come before you with a tale of woe. A tale of suffering. A tale of a wedding at which there was Too. Little. Wine. The guests were thirsty—thirsty like the desert! The wedding party was left untoasted—untoasted like the whore of Babylon!

But then, brothers and sisters, came unto them a man of talents! A man of plenty! And he did TAKE the pitchers of water, and lo, the people found them overflowing with WINE, wine to wet their throats and unleash the toasts!

Friends, you need never be in this awful situation. You need never suffer the pain of unsatisfied guests, untoasted couples, if you just let the ALMIGHTY JESUS into your KITCHEN!!! Praise the Lord, he can fix any hosting problem that might arise!

Didn’t buy enough fish for your dinner party? He’ll multiply those fish and throw in loaves to boot!

Mother-in-law on the Atkins Diet? He’ll transubstantiate that bread right into flesh!

He’s the one-god, cross-bearing, stigmata-king KITCHEN MIRACLE, and he can be yours for the low, low commitment of lifelong devotion. Brothers, sisters, don’t let this opportunity pass you by. If you pray within the next 10 minutes, we’ll send you FREE the one and only Archangel Michael with his Flaming Sword!!! Never have you seen such beautifully carved roasts, such expertly sliced and SIMULTANEOUSLY TOASTED bread! Act now, pray now, or forever hold your peace!

(God the Father and the Holy Ghost not included. Crown of thorns available separately. Some feet bathing required. Satisfaction guaranteed or your damnation back.)

[=Mark]

So, you’ve grown to enjoy the rituals and flavors afforded by fine wine, and are now considering investing in the proper glassware for drinking it. Which of those expensive hand blown fine crystal glasses should you buy?

After years of long and careful experimentation I have found the perfect method for enjoying everything from fine wine to acid plonk. May I present the stainless steel dog dish! The dog dish. Give it a gentle tap and it rings. Raise it, and feel the heft and solidity. No more shattered glass with severed veins and poked out eyes when you’ve had a box or two too many. Almost untippable. No deadly lead leeching into your vintage Mad Dog from sissy lead crystal.

Each dog dish is stamped out with the precision that only fine Chinese robotic equipment is capable of. Who are you going to trust, a machine, or some lederhosen clad foreign wino who apprenticed by blowing into breathalyzers on the side of the road? The dog dish’s unique design creates an exceptionally wide evaporation surface that helps to intensify a wine’s bouquet and enhance a silky taste in the mouth. This sturdy item can be yours for only $29.95!

But wait! There’s more… To further intensify this effect, a baseball cap will also be provided, although this does require that it be turned in the unnatural position with the brim in front. With enough wine, however, this starts to feel almost natural. Between the wide expanse of surface area of the bowl and the concentration of the vapors with the brim of the cap, even inexpensive wines seem intoxicatingly rich!

There is even more to come!

The eyedropper, plastic for safety, is the final component in this system to enhance the bouquet, taste, balance, and finish of every wine you swill. Are you going to trust a stupid glass to be responsible for the flow of the wine, and consequently where it touches the various taste zones of the tongue? Yeah, right! I personally have witnessed, on numerous occasions, a cranky glass deliberately toss the wine through the mouth and up the nose of someone who was innocently enjoying a joke! With the eyedropper, the initial contact point, and the order of those following it, depends only on the sobriety of the imbiber. To further enhance the safety of the eyedropper, I suggest tying it securely to a large soft object. If you call in the next 10 minutes a rubber dog bone will be included for free with your order and completes the ensemble.

Wine is composed of a balance and harmony of different elements: fruit, acidity, minerals, tannin, and alcohol. It is solely the quantity that is chugged that makes these anal and persnickety details irrelevant, not the mythical qualities of some overpriced, jumped up jelly jar. For the price of a single Riedel glass, you can be the proud owner of service for 12. So twist off the cap of that Thunderbird and throw a party!

[davidscooking]

Here's my entry for a product called the Foie-Gras-Matic Liver Loosener:

Hey foodies! Had it up to here with plain old pan-seared foie gras? Bored to tears by those endless pâtés de foie gras? You need the new Foie-Gras-Matic Liver Loosener, from the folks at GooseTooLoose Enterprises. Our patented hepatization process separates those stubborn goose livers into their constituent liver cells, thus freeing you-the-consumer to incorporate foie gras into all your favorite foods and beverages!

Wow the guests at your next cocktail party by whipping up a pitcher of frozen foie gras margaritas or a batch of elegant foie gras martinis. The kids will love frothy foie gras frappées and frosty foie gras shakes.

But the Foie-Gras-Matic is about more than just great beverages. A lot more. Your family will soon be enjoying foie gras in ways you never imagined: on breakfast cereals, as a sandwich spread, a nachos topping, on a bratwurst or a hotdog. Try a foie gras vinaigrette on your favorite salad. Enjoy a steaming bowl of foie gras chowder or dig into mashed potatoes with foie gras gravy. And what better ending to a holiday meal than a creamy foie gras pudding or that all-time classic, foie gras à la mode?

Foie gras makes sense given today’s active lifestyles. A foie gras smoothie makes a delicious and satisfying lunch on-the-go. And since foie gras is naturally low in carbohydrates, it’s perfect for people on the Atkins Diet. At the low, low price of $29.95, you might want to buy more than one: the Foie-Gras-Matic makes a great gift.

[FoodMan]

Oh look at those spoiled strawberries, and these rotten rib-eyes. You ever feel like stuff you pay so much for should last much longer than it should. Well we do too here at the e-gullet R&D department. The reason for spoilage is mainly water content. So we are proud to introduce the ingenious....EGULLETDeHYDRATOR

In just a few minutes you can dehydrate ANYTHING, from meats to vegetables to liquids. Yes we said liquids, milk will last for months, same for OJ. All you have to do is put your target food item in this compartment, as you can see it is big enough for a whole leg of lamb. Then push the Dehydrate button allowing about 5 minutes per pound and voila this great gizmo will stop when every drop of water has been exhumed. Look at this cucumber it is perfectly dry and can be stored for up to a year. same goes for this apple juice, yes this is apple juice -powder that is- just add water and wow as fresh as just squeezed juice.

Restoring meats and vegetables is as easy as dehydrating them. just put them back in the same compartment as the one used to dehydrate them and fill the other compartment marked "water " with water. Push the rehydrate button and the target food is miraculously restored to its original fresh condition. Just look at these pork chops, would you believe that only minutes ago they were as dry as jerky. AMAZING!!!

This great gizmo is not available in stores and is yours for ONLY 25 payments of $19.99. Order now because these babies will be selling fast fast fast!!!

Disclaimer (to be typed in very fine font on the bottom of the screen):This product is not FDA approved, it has not been properly tested, foods restored were never consumed by humans. Foods restored caused serious brain damage in most lab animals. buy at your own risk.

[Chef/Writer Spencer]

The BoneCo. Bone Denuding Machine

Through with endless hours spent with a flexible boner and lamby fingers? Do your hands resemble the pocked face of your bed-ridden ten year-old? Looking for a way to French those difficult little bones that doesn't entail pain, suffering and a marginal social life? Well does Boneco have a solution for you. That's right, our own meat boning experts have partnered with NASA and the porn industry to create the world's first space-aged lamb rack Frenching machine. Here, let's see how it works....

Just remove the vaccuum-pack sleeve, insert your rack into the patented suction feeds, flip a switch and watch the sinue, silver skin and caked blood disappear into the specially designed FAT MAGNETIZER tm. It's that simple. Your bones will look like they were meticulously picked clean by a brow-beaten frog in a fifth of the time. The BONECO BONE DENUDING MACHINE fits neatly into any tool kit and makes a great gift for the chef who has everything. If you act in the next ten minutes we'll throw in a cute set of ceramic chefs who were injured by improper boning techniques as a free gift. So don't wait, call now. Operators are standiing by......

[snowangel]

Sick of scrubbing dirty counters? Had it with mopping the floor and constantly sponging up spills? Tired of smelly cleansers? No longer interested in trying to find replacement mop heads for your purchased-a-month-ago-but-obsolete mop? Bogged down by cleanser clutter?

Then the Peel-O-Counter and Peel-O-Floor products are for you. When that counter is dirty or that floor is sticky, just peel off the top layer, revealing a nice, new layer, free of gunk and stains. Using the same technology as Post-It-type products, the new surface is clean and shiny. Crystal clear, the natural beauty of your original floor and counter shine right through. Dozens of layers ensure a sparkly kitchen for many months to come.

This miracle product will simplify your life beyond measure. Just think…no more tense moments at the dinner table when Johnny spills yet another glass of sticky juice. No more shrieks when you find your two year old painting dolly's fingernails on the kitchen floor. Within days, your family will notice a calmer, more peaceful you.

Not available in stores, call 1-800-SUCKERS to order for only four monthly installments of $29.95. Order within the next 15 minutes to receive our special bonus offer – Peel-O-Kitchen Sink. But wait, there’s more! We’re so excited about Peel-O products that we’ll throw in Peel-O-Table and Peel-O-Cutting Board. 100% guaranteed or your money back.

[elyse]

MODIFIED POST! I copied this one before I finished the last one, and I hope it's complete, PLUS the addition I made of the 3rd paragraph. Any chance I can make sure both are the same with the one addition?

E

Has the toast in your toaster oven ever caught fire? Has the water in your pot boiled down to nothing incinerating potatoes, tomatoes, rice, and asparagus? You'll have to throw that All-Clad away! Do these burned nuts look familiar? You'll never have that pie ready for the picnic. Have you lost days upon days sitting in front of the computer? Is your family STILL sitting at the dinner table??? Well NO MORE!

Yes! You love eGullet and you love to eat! Now you can enjoy BOTH! With the new eGulletron eGulletransmitter! The eGulletron eGulletransmitter's will free you from the confines of your desk for hands free eGulleteering IN YOUR KITCHEN! Yes, folks, you heard right. The eGulleteer eGulletransmitter sets up quickly and easily in your kitchen, broadcasting every word on eGullet through an ordinary household speaker, or headset so you won't ever burn those caramels, custards, cakes, tarts and timbales; negimaki, nasi kuning lengkap, gnocci; porterhouse, poulet, and pasties! You never have to take your eyes off them again!

Use the reply function and speak right into the microphone! Never be apart from the witty banter and miss out on all the fun until IT'S TOO LATE! You'll never catch up again without the eGulletron eGulletransmitter! With the eGulletron eGulletransmitter reply function, you'll never have to wonder what you SHOULD have said FOUR PAGES AGO! Speak into the microphone and be a part of the party! Don't forget the private messages!

Too tired to get OFF the computer? eGulletron eGulletransmitter sleeps with you every night! Use the sleep setting! Set it on "Low Tone" and eGullet will sing you to sleep and transmit to you ALL NIGHT LONG so you don't have to miss a single forum OR topic subscription notification EVER! It's like magic. With your personal settings, you can set your eGulletron eGulletransmitter to repeat "the recipe archives" and in no time, you can repeat the recipes IN YOUR SLEEP! Haven't had time to read everything on the "Dinner!" thread? Sleep safely and subliminally! Set the timer to wake you up at the first post of the day, or listen to The Daily Gullet at full volume!

Trouble hearing? eGulletron eGulletransmitter is available with headset "morse code" tapping attachment. It's like Hellen Keller is your personal teacher! Trouble seeing? eGulletron eGulletransmitter tapping atachment can be modified to tap in braille! Will wonders never cease? It's freedom like you've never heard or seen before!

This amazing offer will only be available for a limited time, so CALL NOW! If you call in the next half hour, you will receive free of charge, and additional hands free headset for your car! That's right! No more wasted hours in the car driving the humdrum highway! Listen to all your favorites AS YOU DRIVE! (Don't miss your exit)! Plugs into any lighter outlet! It's incredible! You get two headsets for the price of one! That's two hands free headsets for only three easy payments of $19.95! You heard right, only $19.95! So call the number at the bottom of your screen, that's 1-800-eGullet, 1-800-e capital G-ullet, that number again is 1-800-e capital G-ullet. CALL NOW!

You must make payments by check, money order, or credit card. No C.O.D.'s.

(eGullet is not responsible for sleep deprivation or accidents in the kitchen or on the road). Available soon in semaphore.

[jeniac42]

Have you ever made a souffle and whisked until your arm ached? Have you whisked and folded, only to have your creation sink like a deflated balloon? End the stress and start enjoying your dinner parties again with the Souffle Express!

With the Souffle Express, you can create showstopping souffles just like the ones you see in restaurants -- WITHOUT THE HASSLE! Just place your ingredients into the bowl, push the button, and in just minutes you'll have a picture-perfect dessert! The Souffle Express has patented AER-RATOR blades that whip air into the souffle while the SouffleSuction lid ensures expansion through our vapor vacuum technology!

The Souffle Express is dishwasher-safe. And the SouffleSuction process allows you to make a souffle out of anything! Transform split pea soup from a workaday dinner into a restaurant marvel -- it's fun and easy with the Souffle Express!

You'll never have to pass off a chocolate souffle as brownies again! Call now and we'll even include a FREE RECIPE BOOK! Plus, if you order within the next ten minutes, we'll also include an extra Souffle Express -- that's TWO Souffle Express machines PLUS the recipe book, all for just three easy payments of $39.95!

[indiagirl]

Never had the time to go the Master Chef School? Depressed? Think of foam as something in your bubble bath? Have the sinking feeling that your dinners just ain't cutting the moutarde? You need a De Rigeur Plotnickizeur.

How does it work, you ask? Like Magic. Cook dinner as usual. Toss it all into the De Riguer Plotnickizuer. Add some truffles in the truffle charger. Add a quart of cream, a stick of butter. Insert plates and bowls. Hit the button. Whizz, Whirr and Voila!

Could that really be your meatloaf? Is that an entree or art? Artistic dribbles of sauce. A delicate shaving of truffles. Parsley chiffonade garnish. A chilled foam soup. Your friends will think you just came back from Gay Paree.

Haute Cuisine right in your kitchen for a mere $29.95!! And we'll throw in the shipping for free!! Available in a faux french oak finish!! And the good stuff does not end there!! If you order NOW, we'll throw in two bonus CD-ROM's - "Teach Yourself French in Two Hours" and "Quick N' Easy Insert Yourself Here CD-ROM of Class Photographs at Cordon Bleu"!!

And a final goodbye tip from your friends here are at DRP, remember the H in Haute is silent. 'Appy 'Osting, Mon Ami!!

[The Camille]

Has your palate remained at the sophistication level of a ten-year-old?

Tired of spending your disposable income on trendy high-end dining experiences that you really don't 'get'? Uncomfortable passing judgement on unfamiliar cuisines because of a possible culinary deficiency?

Not sure if ravioli and kreplach are basically the same thing?

Impaired tasters have invalid opinions. Culinary relativism is no longer an excuse for preferring gefilte fish to seafood quenelles. Stop making excuses and turn proactive....

Introducing the Pocket Power Palate Pal!

exclusive super tongue design

The Pocket Power Palate Pal is the amazing patented techno-gastronomical breakthrough designed by the e-Gullet team of gourmand scientists, sensory specialists, and former lawyers. The Pocket Power Palate Pal's sensitive electro-chemical circuitry rivals the taste buds of the experts. The size of an ordinary lipstick, Pocket Power Palate Pal stores conveniently in pocket or purse. One quick, unobstrusive dip and Pocket Power Palate Pal does the rest. In less than a minute, the easy to read digital display base lists:

1) the actual physical substance on the plate,

2) the culinary concepts you need in order to appear to 'get' what's on the plate, and

3) the social and metaphorical associations of the food in a broader context.

But wait! There's MORE!!

The Pocket Power Palate Pal completely bypasses the bias of presentation.

Enter the Mobius Strip arguments with confidence!

Only 3 objectively easy payments of $19.95.

Offer not available outside the US.

With the Pocket Power Palate Pal, you too can define taste in the pedantic, self absorbed style of elitist foodies!

e-Gullet licks culinary relativism once and for all

[Fat Guy]

The first-place pick is now online.

Congratulations to the victor!

Honorable mentions will be published on this thread tonight.

[maggiethecat]

Congratulations to The Camille, and to Spencer and Batgrrrl as well. And my thanks to everyone who has entered.

One eGullet T shirt is heading your way, Camille! PM me your particulars and I'll make sure Jason takes it to the Post Office himself.

[Andy Lynes]

This just in :

Did the gravy ever stick to the bottom of the pan whilst you were busy chopping carrots? Or the steak burn under the grill because you had to finish the bearnaise sauce? Ever wished you had a third hand whilst completeing kitchen chores? Well now you can with new eGullet Handy KitchenKap TM.

By donning the incredibly comfortable eGullet Handy KitchenKap TM and afixing one of the many supplied high quality utensils to the front mounted adjustable armature, you'll be cooking like an entire brigade of professional chefs in seconds!

Need to whisk up a sabayon whilst peeling the potatoes? Well now you can!! Just attach the supplied eGullet Super Whisk to the Handy Kitchencap TM using our patented and 100% reliable KitchenKoupler TM system and away you go. Your hands are free to prepare all the vegetables you need! Thats what we call using your head!

eGullet Handy KitchenKap TM is not available in stores, but can be yours for only $29.95. Yes, just $29.95 buys you the eGullet Handy KitchenKap TM , 123 piece KitchenKoupler TM utensil set and the complete book of Shiatsu Neck Massage as a special free gift if you place your order before midnight tonight.

[Basildog]