An apprentice, fear, and need for advice

[Almondmeal]

This may sound weak and stupid, but there is no where else I could find honest opinion frOm apart from this forum which I pray may have a good advice for me. I am 28 years of age and have just started an apprenticeship in patisserie for the past 20 months. I have recently got a job at a new pattiserie place. The first week was tough for I was trying very hard to get the idea of how the new kitchen works and went home every night to write down everything that I have learnt in my little notebook as a guidance for the next day. 4 weeks past and I am still trying and I was beginning to feel like I could never do anything right. The whole kitchen is filled with females and I have been constantly yelled at and my head chef would shove trays and throw stuff in front of my face (not hitting me ofcourse). There was one time when I was so confused with the bake off process and was scurrying around looking for empty trays that my head chef have had it and she was literally yelling and asking me if I really want to work there and that she does not have time to babysit me. I went home for the first time of my adult life crying like a baby. Ever since that day, I could not sleep easier than when I first started and I have been a nervous wreck about going back to the kitchen. I feared being verbally abused and told that I am stupid. My friends tell me that I am allowed to be slow and even seem stupid because this is what an apprenticeship is about. I am not meant to be a pro and know everything which would defeat the purpose of an apprenticeship.

Somehow I feel like the abuse has nothing to do with my experience but more on my common sense that I lack and the need for thorough guidance. And also because I am not 18 it may seem ridiculous for chefs to want to guide me through and the only best way is to yell at me, which I have to confess is not really doing me any good. There was a time that a chef told me that I need to bring my brain to work! I felt humiliated and at the same time offended by such comment.

I mean, I know it is tough working in the kitchen, but because the past 20 months I came from a kitchen where non of these abuse would ever take place, I feel like this new place has something against me. I want to go on being a pastry chef and be qualified at it soon, but somehow this new place is preventing me in thinking that I will ever be good enough. I have the urge of leaving for all my peers seem to be telling me that. My boyfriend saw me crying and trembling so bad that he was insisting that I should look for a new place. The problem is, I am not sure if I was only lucky to have gotten in a good people place for my previous job or that all other kitchens are going to be the same as the one I am in now. If I do give up on it just because I am getting scolding everyday, would that categorize me as incapable for this industry? It has been 6 weeks past now and I am still not able to get over the anxiety and fear of going to work. I get by the days with taking many deep breath while I walk to work. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I am hoping someone could give me an advice or even a reality check on whether I should even be doing this. I really am passionate about patisserie but I am afraid my soft spoken nature is no help for me to make it in this industry.

Have anyone been through the same? If you have, how did you go through with it?

And if you are the chefs I mention of, why do you so much abuse?

[Panaderia Canadiense]

Thankfully, when I did my apprenticeship I lucked into a master patissier who was kind and soft-spoken, so I've not had the same experience as you're describing, but I can probably tell you what's going on. I'd be willing to bet dollars to croissants that your master patissiere was trained in much the same way that you were - by being yelled at and belittled by her master when she was an apprentice. Consequently, that's how she teaches - because that's how she learned. One of the panaderos I learned under was the same way, and because I've got a strong character I ended up hucking 8lbs of dough at his head, which ended that apprenticeship rather quickly, but made me feel a whole lot better. The panadera I learned with after that was a sweet and considerate person.

In my experience, the good ones outweigh the bad - if I were you, I'd start looking for another patisserie to apprentice in. Perhaps try finding one where there's a master and only one or two sous (ie a small shop), as those are more likely to have a less stressed-out and kinder master patissier in them.

[minas6907]

Yeah, not all kitchens are the same, and the above post is very correct in saying that your so much more likely to get chewed out at a larger bakery/restaurant. Look for a smaller place where you feel like you fit in, when you find it you'll love to go to work rather then dread it. As far as your chef goes, it very well could be that she was trained in the same rough manner, but she could also be that way in general. I've known chefs who had a lifetime of experience behind then, being classically trained by individuals who were extremely temperamental, but they didn't act that way to others (not all the time anyways haha). But keep looking, you'll find chefs and pastry chefs with a huge variety of personalities and traits, when you find the right place you'll know it. You sound stressed at an unhealthy level, I'd definitely look for another place.

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[JeanneCake]

I agree that the stress in this workplace is not doing you any good. You can't learn anything or be productive if you are always worried about what is going to set the chef off and have her yell. The fact that she yells should make you realize she's not going to be a good mentor to you as an apprentice so even if you stay, you won't get much out of the experience. Did this chef interview you for the position? Was she aware that you are a novice? If she did not interview you or hire you, she may be frustrated at her lack of input for a new hire.

Chefs who yell are nothing new. To me, a boss that yells is a lousy boss. When a mistake is made, the boss should not be looking to place blame, but to figure out why the mistake happened and how to fix it if possible. When a mistake is made, the employee responsible should acknowledge the mistake and do what's possible to not repeat the mistake and show that the lesson is learned.

When doing a new task, have someone show you how it should look, then you do it and have them approve it, then when you have done several, check in again to make sure what you are doing is correct before you do 100 of them and find out they are wrong. Explain you are doing this to prevent mistakes and to save the company money and time.

Something you said in your post is staying with me: the "common sense that I lack and need for thorough guidance" - this chef is used to the workers already there who know the routine and do things without guidance. This may be affecting you more than you think. If you forget things quickly, try repeating what is said to you. Tell the chef you need to write things down (keep your notebook in your pocket) in order to stop making mistakes and to learn. Write quickly so it doesn't become an issue. But seriously, look for another place. This place is not going to help you learn anything other than to doubt yourself and that there are some really crappy bosses out there. If nothing else, it is teaching you what kind of boss you don't want to be.

[Almondmeal]

Thank you so much for taking time to read my post and the kind advices. Jeannecake, to answer your question, yes, my head chef was the one that interviewed me and gave me the job. On top of that I made certain that she is aware that I have only been in the industry for only 20 months prior to starting at her patisserie. I did write down notes and have a workflow ready for the next day every night before I go to bed. I guess it was the unexpected new tasks that I get every day that sets my plan to jeapordy. All the time I did ask for my chef to check on the job that they assigned me to before proceeding further, and then i was told to bring my brain to work and have " a brain of an elephant". I don't know what that meant exactly but it was really embarrassing for me. When I ask several times to confirm on something, I was told to be more responsible and I shouldn't always expect to be babysitted .

From all of the replies that I have gotten from all of you, I think I have come down to a conclusion, it sort of clarify that the behavior that I have been consuming the past month and a half from the chefs at this new place is not right. I have been holding it in trying to tell myself that this is what the kitchen life is suppose to be and that everyone that used to be a novice like me have to go though it atleast once in their training life. At frst i thought it was an intentional gesture justbto test how far i can go with the abuse, but in alot of way, i feel like if this is a test, its the most horrible one. I do not know the reason for her intense madness against me, and I thought it was because I was really stupid. I am grateful for all the supportive comment that I have gotten so far from all of you guys. I guess I will have to start looking for a new place and endure the time being until some place new, some place with better chefs are willing to take me in.

Thank your thank you thank you!

Edited September 17, 2012 by Almondmeal (log)

[pastrygirl]

If I hired someone who had a year and a half of work experience, I would hope to not have to supervise them too much. Was your first apprenticeship full time? What did you do there? Do you make anything completely by yourself from start to finish, or did you only help the chef with supervision? It sounds like your new chef expects you to have more skill and confidence than you are showing. It is good to check in after making a few items to be sure they are right the first time or two you make something, but for a busy chef if someone is always asking questions it takes a lot of time to stop and answer them. What types of items are you making at the new place? How many times do you feel like you need to make a recipe before you are confident that you know how to make it correctly? Of course you want to please the chef, but I can understand s/he might grow impatient if the same questions are being asked over and over. If you want to work in the industry, you need to learn quickly and be able to work on your own. Training and supervision take the time and effort of another person, and those cost money and decrease productivity. You need to be able to keep up with the pace of the rest of the shop.

[Almondmeal]

Hi pastry girl, I totally understand what you mean. It totally make sense what you are saying. My first year apprentice I wasn't under any supervision at all. I was working alone most of the time which is weird. I was only under supervision for the first 3 months and then I was left to do my job on my own. when my chefs were with me in the kitchen, they would normally show me the way things should be done and I would go up to them to make sure that things are done right. Otherwise, I will be given jobs to do on my own that they are confident that I have done numerous times before. So I guess, this is also the reason why I am not sure how a kitchen environment should be at all. The new place that I work at is really busy and it makes sense why they do not have the patience to wait and stop for someone like me, which is also why I am really stressed out about it because of the intensity and stressful environment, I am agitated to be at work in fear of stuffing up yet again and be yelled at.

I can make a product off a recipe by myself after once that they have shown me from step one. It is more of my pace, the way I work and being confused that got them fired up. Hmmm... How long should a person be able to get on top of everything in a new kitchen? It's been six weeks for me and I guess I am being a little slow.

[Lia Tumkus]

Been there, felt that... just go find another job that suits your style. Stop listening to people that put you down and go find a place where you can shine... I've met a lot of assholes in this industry. People are afraid to share information, are frustrated and just wanna feel better about themselves crushing someone on the corner...

If you really like what you do, and you really wanna work with patisserie, go out and find something elsewhere, or go try to learn more by yourself... don't stay where you are because they are gonna make you hate your job for good, and they will make you feel not worthy...

Not everybody has the profile to work in this kind of environment (big business), but that doesn't mean you have to quit your dream. Just go find what works for you

[HungryC]

Remember the old saying, there are no bad jobs and no bad employees, just bad "fits". (okay, it's not completely true, but it does apply to so many settings.) if you can't handle the pace and aren't comfortable with the treatment, then find another setting that works for you. Maybe a lower-volume establishment? Also work on your relentless personalization of the circumstances: the chef is busy, trying to get things done. If he/she yells, it's not about YOU, it's about getting the job done. If you need a more supportive environment, you're going to have to find another place. Repeat to yourself, as often as it takes: it's not about me, it's not about me. It's about the work/product/business.

[pastrygirl]

I have to agree with others that this new place is just not the best fit for you. Hectic with screaming is not an environment I enjoy either, even if I'm not the one being yelled at I don't want to be around it. Many chefs are better with food than we are with people (if we were better with people we'd make more $$ in the front of the house). This can mean chefs who are screamers, and shy pastry loners who just want a quiet place to make something beautiful and delicious (me to a T, maybe you). If it's not fun, don't do it. Move on. Good luck.

[stuartlikesstrudel]

Going from what people are saying it sounds like moving on might be a good idea - but one thing that might be helpful if you still like the overall place/work they are doing is to perhaps talk to the boss... explain that you're not enjoying it and feeling like it's not a good fit, and that you're thinking of finding somewhere else... if the boss doesn't react well to this, you haven't really lost anything since you're leaving anyway, but they might extend the olive branch and try to help you feel more comfortable there. And if that happens, you might be able to stick it out a bit longer and start enjoying it, or at the very least learn a bit more about that environment and improve some skils. Might be worth considering

[Almondmeal]

I have decided to stay on for 4 more month for until then i would have completed my second year. I reckon it will be easier if i look for a 3 rd year apprentice job rather than a half way through second year. I am not even sure if I will be still alive by that time, but all I'm thinking about right now is just go with it and take in as much abuse as I could for 4 months.

Stuart, i think it is probably worth trying to talk to my chef about how I feel but somehow I have a feeling it won't change a thing. There are people who are angry all the time but do not realize it, but then there are those that generally feels that there is nothing wrong with being angry all the time because they have the reason to and because she is the boss. The reason I am saying this is because on my 2nd week, a guy that has been working there one year was fired because he said one of her product is shit. It was the most intimidating scene.

[Emily_R]

Maybe its just me, but I don't see why four more months at this place to put on your resume would make much difference. To me its not worth the risk of your burning out on the profession entirely / getting so scarred by this experience that you won't be able to move on and be productive at the next place you're in. Get out!

[JeanneCake]

Besides the obvious in how not to behave with people, what are you learning there? When you finish in 4 months, will you be a pastry cook with 24 months of experience or a pastry cook with 20 months of experience because you didn't learn anything in this job because of being paralyzed with fear? If you can learn new skills, or polish your existing skills (becoming faster, more confident) while dealing with the lunatic chef; then ok. I have to wonder: you're spending so much time insulating yourself from the emotional stress of this position that what are you able to learn?

[Almondmeal]

Emily R and Jeannecake, maybe is it s a stupid idea to give myself a time frame, and 4 month till I finish my second year seem like a good excuse. I have been looking for jobs that may be up at the moment, and I'm afraid I have to keep looking for a while. I don't feel comfortable quitting either when I do not already have another job. I still love what I do, but I guess you guys are right, it's not worth the constant emotional stress and 4 months will do me nothing but further breakdown. The things that my work does are interesting but I figured I probably could not endure until the time comes when they may be willing to show me how to make them, if the time will ever come. At the moment, I am put at a bakery section on my own which I very much do not enjoy for the hard demand of heavy lifting of doughs, and since they fired the guy, I am the only one there that could take up his job, which is also why I figured she haven't fired me yet. it's tough but I am sure everywhere else, this kind of things happen, but as for the stress that I am dealing with, maybe I am just not as tough a person as some may be to handle. Thank you again for taking time to advice. I really appreciate it