When people change your recipe. . .

[Lilija]

I make it abundantly clear that unless the recipe is prepared to the letter the results will be different. Period. Hey, if they make substitutions or otherwise sneeze in the batter, it isn't my problem. The recipe is no longer mine. And woe to them that say their crap-on-a-cake-plate is from MY recipe. WOE! 

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I actually had this exact thing happen to me. A friend asked for a good, easy dessert recipe to fill out the dessert table, at her Aunt's birthday party. She wanted some extras, to have besides the cake... I gave her my old-time favorite trifle recipe, layers of booze painted, jam spread pound cake, with custard (for her, I said vanilla pudding would be fine, she is NO cook...) layered with fresh berries, and fresh whipped cream.

She squealed that it was PERFECT! Store bought cake, instant pudding...perfect for her. This is a forgiving recipe, to be sure. She really wanted to do SOMETHING special for her aunt, and this would be it, she said.

I'd done a lot of the rest of the cooking for this party, having done time as a professional caterer, I was always called on, to lend a hand for friend's parties. I wound up doing about 90% of the food, for this one.

At the party, I asked her how the trifle turned out, looking around for the deep glass bowl that I loaned her... What I saw, instead were two rubbermaid storage bowls filled with glop. One beige, and one darker brown.

Apparently she glanced over the ingredients I listed, and said "I can do this!" And, stirred the whole lot of them together. Cake cubes, raspberry jam, amaretto, orange juice, heavy cream, almond extract, vanilla pudding powder, milk...etc...stirred together, in a bowl. No berries, too expensive. She said it looked kinda gross, so she stuck it in the plastic dish and covered it with a layer of Cool Whip. THEN, heartened by how easy THAT one went together, she committed the same atrocity with CHOCOLATE, pudding, syrup, heavy cream, Cool Whip.

If that were the worst, I could forget that day ever happened.

She proceeded to proudly tell everyone at the party to be sure to try the bowls of "truffle" that they were MY doing, and she just loved my cooking, and she was positively gushing about how awesome they were, and patting herself on the back, all over the place, because she was able to cook like a "pro" following my recipe.

I got a lot of funny looks. She failed to mention that the rest of the food there was also mine, cooked by me.

I never cooked for that family again, never gave her any more recipes. Come to think of it, after that party our friendship sorta dissolved.

[Megan Blocker]

(Heh. And I don't go springing  untested experiments on a houseful of guests, either!)

Surely I can't be the only one who'd risk it...

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I do it! But only when I've warned them ahead of time, and only with back-up supplies in the house.

[FabulousFoodBabe]

She squealed that it was PERFECT!  Store bought cake, instant pudding...perfect for her. This is a forgiving recipe, to be sure.  She really wanted to do SOMETHING special for her aunt, and this would be it, she said.

Apparently she glanced over the ingredients I listed, and said "I can do this!"  And, stirred the whole lot of them together.  Cake cubes,  raspberry jam, amaretto, orange juice, heavy cream, almond extract, vanilla pudding powder, milk...etc...stirred together, in a bowl.  No berries, too expensive.  She said it looked kinda gross, so she stuck it in the plastic dish and covered it with a layer of Cool Whip.  THEN, heartened by how easy THAT one went together, she committed the same atrocity with CHOCOLATE, pudding, syrup, heavy cream, Cool Whip.

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Two words: Sandra Lee.

[mizducky]

At the party, I asked her how the trifle turned out, looking around for the deep glass bowl that I loaned her...  What I saw, instead were two rubbermaid storage bowls filled with glop. One beige, and one darker brown.

Apparently she glanced over the ingredients I listed, and said "I can do this!"  And, stirred the whole lot of them together.  Cake cubes,  raspberry jam, amaretto, orange juice, heavy cream, almond extract, vanilla pudding powder, milk...etc...stirred together, in a bowl.  No berries, too expensive.  She said it looked kinda gross, so she stuck it in the plastic dish and covered it with a layer of Cool Whip.  THEN, heartened by how easy THAT one went together, she committed the same atrocity with CHOCOLATE, pudding, syrup, heavy cream, Cool Whip.

If that were the worst, I could forget that day ever happened. 

She proceeded to proudly tell everyone at the party to be sure to try the bowls of "truffle" that they were MY doing, and she just loved my cooking, and she was positively gushing about how awesome they were, and patting herself on the back, all over the place, because she was able to cook like a "pro" following my recipe.

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What did I just say above, about children pouring a bunch of stuff into a bucket and proudly proclaiming "Look mommy, I'm cooking--just like you"?

[Lilija]

    What did I just say above, about children pouring a bunch of stuff into a bucket and proudly proclaiming "Look mommy, I'm cooking--just like you"?    

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Oh, you were so right. It's an incredibly accurate analogy.

[Lilija]

Two words:  Sandra Lee.

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*cringecringecringe* You're right too.

What is this world coming to?

[Grub]

There is also a woman who regularly attends my cooking classes and has a tendency to make make substitutions or leave things out. She reported back to me that her banana bread didn't come out right and was it possibly because she left out the bananas? Her husband doesn't like bananas....

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Having a positive attitude, and being friendly and kind towards your fellow human beings is a wonderful thing, in a theoretical way -- but I've always found it a little more practical to simply assume everyone's a damn idiot, until proven otherwise.

This isn't a cookery-related problem. That fancy-pants, multi-million dollar computer system is fubarred because of gremlins, pixies, evil spirits, or possibly because my instructions were incorrect -- because you sure as hell followed those instructions to the letter, right? Right? Argh.

[MissAmy]

MissAmy, if something like this should happen again, write to me and I'll console you.  I, too, am always 'losing it' and telling people what's on my mind . .and getting into trouble for it.  It's interesting, however, how often someone will come up to me later and tell me they never would have had the courage to say what I said, but they're glad I did.

The woman's behavior was selfish, rude, and a whole lot of other things.  She ruined the dessert course for everybody, deliberately, after being cautioned not to do so.  Christmas dinner is special.  If it's just Thursday night at Dick and Jane's, who cares; toss the tart and have an apple or a bowl of ice cream.  But at Christmas, that's different.  You may be in trouble with your aunt, but you performed a service to humankind.  You may well have stopped her from trying a stupid stunt like that again. 

Give me her phone number and I'll call her and bitch at her some more!    Do you have to tell her what kind of wine to bring?  I'd be scared she'd show up with Strawberry Hill or Boones Farm. 

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Hahaha! I'll keep that in mind for next time. And no, she's actually fairly decent about the wine - typically it's some sort of boring yet palatable Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio. She truly fancies her self as quite the foodie! A fact in which I find no end of amusement. She is actually a very nice person, and a rather accomplished therapist, but her relationship toward food hovers around the truly bizarre. She spends all this time and money shopping at places like Central Market and Whole Foods, only to ruin dishes in some sort of misguided attempt to make them "healthy." As if in order for something to be healthy it must taste like reconstituted saw dust. Last time I saw her, however, she had made a flourless chocolate cake (someone else gave her the recipe) and she somehow managed not to screw it up, so maybe she did learn her lesson about fooling around with baking and pastry with the tart. I just wish she hadn't had to learn it at my Christmas dinner.

[FabulousFoodBabe]

These days, anyone with a television thinks of themselves as completely incompetent about food, or "quite the foodie." They also watch these emaciated nutritionists on the television who give "healthy" suggestions about the dangers of eating anything. The class I'm teaching now can't tell the difference between sage and bay leaf, claim they have "no time" to cook brown rice or make stock, but nitpicked me every step of the way about using butter and salt.

One student, a professional woman (physician) who is really quite smart, told the class about a course she'd taken in Italian cooking from someone. She loved it because "the teacher gives fool-proof recipes. You can't mess 'em up; all you have to do is follow the directions." No one so much as blinked at this.

Where is that "gouging my eyes out" emoticon, anyway?

[Arey]

My brother had an elderly neighbor who made the best apple pie he'd ever had, but she didn't have a recipe. Her instructions were of the "use enough butter but not to much and don't overwork the dough" sort. So one day he sat down beside her, and took notes as she made a pie crust and apple filling, and was able to replicate her apple pie to the point where people were asking him for the recipe. One day a co-worker to whom he'd given the recipe came to work and told him with great indignation that the recipe was no good, and the crust came out terrible. When he asked if she'd been careful not to overwork the dough, she replied that she didn't have the time to make the crust by hand so she'd made it with her food processor.

[MissAmy]

These days, anyone with a television thinks of themselves as completely incompetent about food, or "quite the foodie."  They also watch these emaciated nutritionists on the television who give "healthy" suggestions about the dangers of eating anything.  The class I'm teaching now can't tell the difference between sage and bay leaf, claim they have "no time" to cook brown rice or make stock, but nitpicked me every step of the way about using butter and salt. 

One student, a professional woman (physician) who is really quite smart, told the class about a course she'd taken in Italian cooking from someone.  She loved it because "the teacher gives fool-proof recipes.  You can't mess 'em up; all you have to do is follow the directions."  No one so much as blinked at this. 

Where is that "gouging my eyes out" emoticon, anyway?

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Wait a minute. They have "no time" for brown rice?? Then what are they doing in a cooking class in the first place? And the butter and salt issue: I'm assuming they eat out all the time, yes? Do they realize how much butter and salt go into restaurant food? And besides, you can always pull the, "Shut up. I'm your chef instructor. You are a lowly student. Shut up and pay attention and maybe you'll learn something" card like my chefs did.

And in my opinion, the olny responce to a statement like "the teacher gives fool-proof recipes. You can't mess 'em up; all you have to do is follow the directions." is the withering thousand yard stare.

[FabulousFoodBabe]

  Wait a minute. They have "no time" for brown rice?? Then what are they doing in a cooking class in the first place? And the butter and salt issue: I'm assuming they eat out all the time, yes? Do they realize how much butter and salt go into restaurant food? And besides, you can always pull the, "Shut up. I'm your chef instructor. You are a lowly student. Shut up and pay attention and maybe you'll learn something" card like my chefs did. 

And in my opinion, the olny responce to a statement like "the teacher gives fool-proof recipes.  You can't mess 'em up; all you have to do is follow the directions." is the withering thousand yard stare.

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Helloooooo ... they're "foodies." The fool-proof recipe person will be dealt with tonight, when she brings said recipes for our intro discussion. I did set the old guy straight who yelped at how much I salted the water for the green beans (nicely; he was pretty old). I can be a drill sergeant with these people, but am new enough to town to want a clientele first, then asskickings will be delivered. With a big smile, of course

I have no idea why someone would take the class when they think they know more than me, but it happens all the time. And they don't know more. Heh.

Edited May 1, 2006 by FabulousFoodBabe (log)

[Busboy]

I once attended a speech/cookbook signing/dinner/press hit for a noted New York chef who, maybe a dozen times before dinner, said "I just want you to know that the great food were having tonight came from my cookbook, but it was Chef X and his incredibly talented team that did the cooking tonight. He said it so often it started to become oddly irritating.

Only when the dinner was served did we understand the true meaning of the many complements: "I am in no way responsible for the shit you're eating tonight."

Apparently pros can screw up a good recipe as quickly and profoundly as the various aunts, nieghbors and co-workers populating this thread.

[jgm]

The fool-proof recipe person will be dealt  with tonight, when she brings said recipes for our intro discussion.

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Do update us as soon as you can. I'd love to know what's in a foolproof recipe.

[alanamoana]

I have no idea why someone would take the class when they think they know more than me, but it happens all the time. And they don't know more.  Heh.

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ummmm...culinary school anyone?! i just loved how many classmates (and current students, and recent grads, etc.) thought they knew more than the chef instructors...isn't there a reason why you're paying $15K+ to the school?!

i'm not going to say where on eGullet i read this...but it was interesting. when asking about a particular recipe which was posted in a newspaper...the person was shocked that the cake didn't have leavening of any type and only called for egg whites (not whipped). they immediately attempted the recipe with their "common sense" adjustments (before i could post that the recipe was for a particular type of cake and perfectly fine the way it was printed) and was disappointed that it didn't work out the way it should have...hmmmmm. i almost pointed them to this thread, but thought that would be mean spirited no matter how nicely i worded it.

[FabulousFoodBabe]

I have no idea why someone would take the class when they think they know more than me, but it happens all the time. And they don't know more.  Heh.

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ummmm...culinary school anyone?! i just loved how many classmates (and current students, and recent grads, etc.) thought they knew more than the chef instructors...isn't there a reason why you're paying $15K+ to the school?!

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Just so I'm clear: I teach avocational. And $15K was about three semesters' worth of my school tuition. Maybe less. Most avocational teachers around here are ladies who just loooove to entertain, so I"ve got that to work against.

I think that if I had to teach 90% of the students I went to school with, I'd really be gouging my eyes out. Naw. Theirs.

[jgm]

While there have been some incredible stories on this thread about substitutions, none equal this mother of all substitutions:

Honey Apple Cake

Scroll until you find the one from "A Cook from Pttsbrg, PA on 06/14/04".

Full disclosure: this link was originally posted on a thread a couple of years ago.

[Verjuice]

Some friends have been complaining about the fact that their cook's repertoire has grown tired and his menus have gotten very tedious.

In the spirit of fun I offered to spend a couple days with him in their kitchen. He's from a developing country and has no formal training in cooking (neither do I, for the record), but he also didn't grow up with any exposure to many of the ingredients he now cooks with on a daily basis and therefore isn't necessarily sure of what things like risotto and gazpacho are supposed to look and taste like. His personal tastes are quite simple, actually. He favors fried dark meat chicken and South Indian curries. And he refuses to follow recipes, even though he reads them all the time.

So, I gave him a few cookbooks. Yesterday, I talked him through a spinach quiche and helped him set up his mise en place before leaving him to his work in the kitchen. At dinner, he unearthed what was quickly dubbed "Medieval Spinach Hat". Evidently he ignored my instructions and at the last minute decided that the top shouldn't be exposed, so he rolled out another crust, subbing corn oil for the butter, and added that ti the top. In addition, he decided that this would be a good opportunity to use up that leftover frozen spinach from last winter, and the fresh spinach I brought with me was stashed into the vegetable drawer for later use.

It was a terrible "quiche". . But I felt really bad about it and tomorrow I'll actually give him a demo.

[Pontormo]

A friend asked for a good, easy dessert recipe to fill out the dessert table, at her Aunt's birthday party. She wanted some extras, to have besides the cake... I gave her my old-time favorite trifle recipe, layers of booze painted, jam spread pound cake, with custard (for her, I said vanilla pudding would be fine, she is NO cook...) layered with fresh berries, and fresh whipped cream.

She squealed that it was PERFECT!  Store bought cake, instant pudding...perfect for her. This is a forgiving recipe, to be sure.  She really wanted to do SOMETHING special for her aunt, and this would be it, she said.

Apparently she glanced over the ingredients I listed, and said "I can do this!"  And, stirred the whole lot of them together.  Cake cubes,  raspberry jam, amaretto, orange juice, heavy cream, almond extract, vanilla pudding powder, milk...etc...stirred together, in a bowl.  No berries, too expensive.  She said it looked kinda gross, so she stuck it in the plastic dish and covered it with a layer of Cool Whip. 

She proceeded to proudly tell everyone at the party to be sure to try the bowls of "truffle" that they were MY doing, and she just loved my cooking, and she was positively gushing about how awesome they were, and patting herself on the back, all over the place, because she was able to cook like a "pro" following my recipe.

I never cooked for that family again, never gave her any more recipes.  Come to think of it, after that party our friendship sorta dissolved.

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So that's what happened!

I always wondered why you stopped calling.

Funny, they like the trifle here in D.C...

P.S. I still have your bowl. Want it back?

[saskanuck]

I have a coworker who used to ask me for recipes. I make a nice, spicy Thai noodle salad, and she wanted to make it for her in-laws.

When I asked her if her family liked the salad, she said that it was rather bland. I was puzzled and asked her why, because it's quite spicy and tangy if made properly. I found out that she didn't use garlic, cilantro, or sriracha sauce in the dressing, so all that she ended up putting on the salad was oil, soy sauce and a touch of peanut butter.

Yuck. No wonder it was bland.

[nwyles]

While there have been some incredible stories on this thread about substitutions, none equal this mother of all substitutions:

Honey Apple Cake

Scroll until you find the one from "A Cook from Pttsbrg, PA on 06/14/04".

     

Full disclosure:  this link was originally posted on a thread a couple of years ago.

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I was snorting coffee out of my nose

[joiei]

I have no idea why someone would take the class when they think they know more than me, but it happens all the time. And they don't know more.  Heh.

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just goes to prove the most dangerous knowledge is the lack of knowledge that the person does not know they do not possess. I agree with you, I have run into many of these along the way. Sometimes, depending on the attitude of that person, it can be fun showing them up. Meanspirited I know, but fun.

[Lilija]

A friend asked for a good, easy dessert recipe to fill out the dessert table, at her Aunt's birthday party. She wanted some extras, to have besides the cake... I gave her my old-time favorite trifle recipe, layers of booze painted, jam spread pound cake, with custard (for her, I said vanilla pudding would be fine, she is NO cook...) layered with fresh berries, and fresh whipped cream.

She squealed that it was PERFECT!  Store bought cake, instant pudding...perfect for her. This is a forgiving recipe, to be sure.  She really wanted to do SOMETHING special for her aunt, and this would be it, she said.

Apparently she glanced over the ingredients I listed, and said "I can do this!"  And, stirred the whole lot of them together.  Cake cubes,  raspberry jam, amaretto, orange juice, heavy cream, almond extract, vanilla pudding powder, milk...etc...stirred together, in a bowl.  No berries, too expensive.  She said it looked kinda gross, so she stuck it in the plastic dish and covered it with a layer of Cool Whip. 

She proceeded to proudly tell everyone at the party to be sure to try the bowls of "truffle" that they were MY doing, and she just loved my cooking, and she was positively gushing about how awesome they were, and patting herself on the back, all over the place, because she was able to cook like a "pro" following my recipe.

I never cooked for that family again, never gave her any more recipes.  Come to think of it, after that party our friendship sorta dissolved.

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So that's what happened!

I always wondered why you stopped calling.

Funny, they like the trifle here in D.C...

P.S. I still have your bowl. Want it back?

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Hey, as long as someone likes it! Hell, you can even keep the bowl.

(And, I know you're kidding, because not only is my neighbor still there, large as life...she would NEVER EVER EVER read egullet. EVER)

[saskanuck]

This topic reminds me of something my mother-in-law tried to do when we were out visiting her a couple of summers ago.

I had purchased a beautiful basket of ripe strawberries and planned to serve them sliced with whipped cream and angel food cake for dessert. My MIL went to boil a kettle of water and I wondered if she was going to make some tea. No, she was going to pour the boiling water over the sliced berries to soften them up for dessert.

ACK!!! What a horrible thing to do to such beautiful berries. I can't remember what I said to her, but it was something like "what the hell would you do that for?", and I wouldn't let her do it. Oy.

We had the fresh sliced berries, to which I'd added a little sugar, REAL whipped cream, and the cake for dessert. MIL preferred Cool Whip, so she had that and also dumped a shitload of sugar on top of everything.

[Megan Blocker]

I have no idea why someone would take the class when they think they know more than me, but it happens all the time. And they don't know more.  Heh.

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Probably to make themselves feel good for what they already know. Or think they know.