The Rules: What Everyone Should Know

[slkinsey]

So, I've been reading Esquire Drinks: An Opinionated & Irreverent Guide to Drinking With 250 Drink Recipes by David Wondrich (known here as Splificator). This is an attractive book, full of interesting cocktails and worthy of discussion just on that basis. It's also a fun book, with Dave's particular brand of humor coming out on every page.

One of the fun things is the "rule" that comes up on the occasional page. They're funny, but also true in the same way fortune cookie fortunes are true. A few examples are: Rule #823 - If the bartender doesn't make a decent Manhattan, that "house special" will probably suck, too. Rule #223 - Never order a drink whose name includes a part of the anatomy normally covered by underwear.

Well, today I was trying to figure out just exactly what a Splificator is (it's a drink), and googling brought me to Esquire.com where I found another list of (presumably Dave's) rules, including such gems as: Rule #1 - there is no such thing as a Chocolate Martini. Rule #54 - Unless you are lounging on the Promenade Deck, do not drink from a fruit.

My favorite: Rule #832 (book) or Rule #65 (web) - Shun novelty, suspect innovation.

So... how about coming up with some rules of our own?

[bobmac]

A martini is gin and vermouth.

A vodka martini is vodka and vermouth.

Period.

[Carlovski]

How about

If the barstaff are wearing hotpants, drink beer.

Fruit is for monkeys, not Daquiris.

[ScorchedPalate]

I propose:

The quality of your cocktail decreases exponentially the farther you are seated from the bar.

~Anita

[Splificator]

Boy, I wish I had had eGullet around when I did the original rules (In truth, I inherited many of the ones on the website from the wise heads at Esquire, who know a thing or two about bending the elbow; all the ones in the book are, alas, my own). Agree wholeheartedly with every one so far.

Many thanks for Mr. Kinsey for the kind words about Esquire Drinks; much appreciated. I'll contribute one new rule of my own here (with a big nod to Ms. Audrey Saunders):

Rule #163: Three ingredients are enough. Usually.

--DW

[joey madison]

My contributions:

#1 Never drink cocktails that come out of machines other than blenders (and then only rarely).

#2 Red Bull is toxic.

[slkinsey]

So, are you gonna give us the recipe for the Splificator, or do we have to beat it out of you?

[Splificator]

Please don't beat me up.

The Splificator.

Place 2 or 3 large ice cubes in a tall glass. Pour straight rye whiskey over them (NOT Canadian whiskey). Add Apolinaris water or any other bubbly water to taste.

Some of the older members may recognize this beverage under another name. "Splificator" comes from Chris Lawlor's 1895 The Mixicologist [sic]; "splificated" was Irish slang for "drunk," something I have never been.

--DW

[slkinsey]

Cool.

Okay, my turn...

Rule #858: No drink worth drinking for any reason was ever mixed in a trash can

Rule #653: No, Jägermeister doesn't contain "secret opiates" that make you "extra fucked up." You've been choking down that swill with your frat buddies for no good reason.

Rule #214: Remember, you become more attractive with every drink she has, not with every drink you have.

[Mulcahy]

1) No cocktail should contain blue curacao.

2) If the bartender looks at you blankly when you want vermouth in your martini, order something else.

[JPW]

#396 Contrary to the high school rhyme, it doesn't matter if you have liquor or beer first. If you drink too much you puke.

#962 If you are over 25 having a party, do not open the bottle that a friend brings over to your house while everyone is there. It's a present for you, not a contribution to the general store of inebriating liquids.

PS - sam, love #214. Truly Esquire quality.

[slkinsey]

Rule #316: It is impossible to look masculine sipping a drink with a tiny umbrella sticking out of it.

[Splificator]

Rule #316: It is impossible to look masculine sipping a drink with a tiny umbrella sticking out of it.

←

On the other hand, see Rule #738: If all it takes is a little paper umbrella to challenge your masculinity...

;-)

--DW

[Bux]

A swizzle stick is not a straw.

Only very young girls and very old women look cute when they forget that.

[slkinsey]

Good one, Bux. How about:

Rule #657: A martini is not a cigar drink.

Rule #92: A lot of the old cocktails sucked just as much as the new ones... we just have the advantage of time filtering them out.

[KatieLoeb]

Corrolary to Trash Can Drinks:

The likelihood of spilling/puking brightly colored liquids is directly proportional to the price of the carpet.

[iamthestretch]

(On behalf of a somewhat disillusioned female friend.)

Rule #88: While big tips and big tits may be only one letter apart, the quality of drinks can vary widely and should surely also be taken into consideration.

[the queneau]

The Queneau's additional rules:

(1) Any drink in a strip joint will invariably taste of tanning lotion. If ewe are in a strip joint and looking for a good drink, ewe have confused priorities.

(2) A pint of Guinness is not served with a shamrock. If it is, ewe are a tourist. Remove camera from around neck.

(3) Martini & Rossi is vermouth. It is not Martini. (one for the Brits)

(4) If ewe have to ask "Do ewe know who I am?", the chances are the bartender doesn't.

(5) If one didn't drink absinthe during the 19th Century, one could not lay claim to genius. The same applied to having syphilis. Make the connection.

(6) Ewe have not been waiting 45 minutes for a drink. Remember, time is relative.

(7) If ewe have been waiting 45 minutes for a drink, ewe should know what ewe want. Now is not the thyme for a conference.

(8) Be aware that, at some point in any transaction, it is expected that money will change hands. A bar is no different, so don't be upset when this is requested.

(9) The bartender is not called Tom Cruise. It is not funny to call the bartender Tom Cruise. It is, however, funny to see the doorman remove the customer who has called me Tom Cruise.

(10) If ewe profess sobriety, ewe are drunk. Accept it and enjoy it.

[Radio7]

#417 - the longer the name, the quicker you're sicker.

#93 - Just dont disturb the absinthe. Its better left alone. Let it nap in its bottle.

[jsolomon]

#417 - the longer the name, the quicker you're sicker.

#93 - Just dont disturb the absinthe. Its better left alone. Let it nap in its bottle.

←

I'll have to respectfully disagree with #93. Absinthe is wonderful.

#857 If the bar only has one type of beer, don't trust the martini. Go for Jack Daniels. Rocks.

#858 If the bar allows spitting on the floor, don't drink past the point of being able to walk.

[Splificator]

#858  If the bar allows spitting on the floor, don't drink past the point of being able to walk.

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Sound advice, that.

--DW

[HungryChris]

# 971 There are some places where anything still sealed from the manufacturer is the best bet.

#972 It would be wise to know when to apply # 971.

Edited October 22, 2004 by HungryChris (log)

[Busboy]

#973: Drinking the next morning doesn't cure the hangover, it only postpones it.

#974: Make sure the beer can is empty before you put your cigarette out in it. Someone (you!) may still be drinking it.

[bleachboy]

#974: Make sure the beer can is empty before you put your cigarette out in it.  Someone (you!) may still be drinking it.

←

Ugh! A lesson learned the hard way!

[Splificator]

#974: Make sure the beer can is empty before you put your cigarette out in it.  Someone (you!) may still be drinking it.

←

Ugh! A lesson learned the hard way!

←

I wish I could say that all it takes is once to learn that one.

--DW