[What To Do] When Someone Can't Cook That Well, Yet Thinks They're a Wonderful Cook?

[nerissa]

The following appeared in Kim O'Donnel's live food chat in the Washington Post:

Alexandria, Va.: This question may be part Carolyn Hax and part "What's Cooking" but here goes. What is the best way to approach someone who believes they are an accomplished cook, but really rarely produces anything edible. She just doesn't get the hint when no one eats what she makes. Her heart is in the right place, which is a great start, but she has no knack for basic techniques, pairing flavors, etc. Would you recommend a gift of The Mindful Cook, or some other book? My family cooks often and well, and she appreciates that, and we try to get her involved with what we're making to maybe guide her a bit, but she sees cooking as a more solitary pursuit. This person plans to prepare all the food for my upcoming bridal shower and I'm trying to avert disaster. Hopefully we can convince her to keep it simple, but I'm not sure that will work.

Kim O'Donnel: Yikes. Yes, The Mindful Cook is a great start. AS for the bridal shower, I need Hax on the horn. Pronto. Have you guys determined she is going to do all the cooking for the shower? You may want to get it catered instead, avoid the trauma.

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What would you do?

[NeroW]

At the very least, I would plan the entire menu and purchase all the ingredients for the shower, and personally oversee her in the kitchen as she prepares for it. In the guise of "helping" or "wanting to be a part." Although, if I were going that far, I might as well cook all the food myself.

I'm a control freak.

[Crystal]

I would purchase and "oversee" as well.

My mother is one of these people and we had controlled the situation by always ordering pizza (not great but, better than her cooking). She called the other day to tell me about a get together for my brother's birthday and she said instead of ordering pizza she owuld just make it from scratch. God help us.

Edited February 25, 2003 by Crystal (log)

[Suzanne F]

Not that I'm any kind of expert on shower etiquette, but I thought the showeree is not involved. Isn't it supposed to be something of a surprise? That means the questioner can get other people to do the lying for her: have one or more of the shower organizers say that the food has already been arranged. She Who Can't Cook is welcome to contribute one of her "specialty dishes" if she'd like, but really, thanks awfully much, it's all taken care of. Then everyone else race around like hell making the lie into the truth.

PS: I would never, ever give someone like that a food book; it will just encourage her.

[ChocoKitty]

I'm still puzzled at how someone can think that she can cook, but can't. Curious as to the details. Can someone's taste buds be that far off?

[col klink]

I'm still puzzled at how someone can think that she can cook, but can't. Curious as to the details. Can someone's taste buds be that far off?

Yup, it's just like people who think they're smart but actually aren't. They just prefer to ignore all of the clues.

[Stone]

Maybe this is the right time to tell her she's not a very good cook.

[kimwb1]

I'm still puzzled at how someone can think that she can cook, but can't. Curious as to the details. Can someone's taste buds be that far off?

Yup, it's just like people who think they're smart but actually aren't. They just prefer to ignore all of the clues.

[coastcat]

'm still puzzled at how someone can think that she can cook, but can't. Curious as to the details. Can someone's taste buds be that far off?

Ever watch American Idol, with all those people who think they've got magnificent voices? Self-delusion is a powerful thing. Besides, you get used to your own cooking - maybe this woman thinks bland/oversalted/burnt/harsh/etc flavors are normal since she's so used to them?

[elyse]

I used to know at least two people who can't cook anything edible but think they're really smart cooks. I had to swallow their food like pills. I think they must have had dull tastebuds, or just no taste at all. I never felt it would do any good to tell either one.

[rstarobi]

I had a flatmate with this delusion. Ultrasalted, fried chicken fingers were her speciality - yech!

[indiagirl]

how about calling her up and telling her that some other (your best!) friend from out of town called you and said that she was heartbroken about not hosting your shower and would like to arrange for the catering in lieu of being the host?

then you still have to find the out of town friend but that would be easier than having the food at your shower, no?

[Jinmyo]

Maybe this is the right time to tell her she's not a very good cook.

I'd say it is.

[Stone]

Or maybe I'm not as good a cook as people tell me.

[JAZ]

I'm still puzzled at how someone can think that she can cook, but can't. Curious as to the details. Can someone's taste buds be that far off?

I had a roommate like this in college. (I was putting off replying here since she's the subject of an article on TDG and I didn't want to scoop myself.)

I lived with her and ate what she cooked a few times a week for a school year, and all I can figure is that she was the gastronomical equivalent of tone-deaf. She drank reconstituted milk; she drank coffee so vile it should have been banned by international treaty.

The only progress she made during the entire year was this: to begin with, if she was going to make, for example, spaghetti sauce, and I asked her if she wanted a recipe, she'd say "oh no, I don't need one." By the end of the year, if I offered a recipe, she'd at least look at it (didn't always follow it, but it helped a little).

I think on some level she realized that the meals I made were better than hers, because she'd ask me questions about how I made things. But she'd never ask for advice when she was cooking, and when I tried to offer some (and I was pretty tactful) she'd brush it aside. Maybe it was misplaced pride.

In any case, I think that the only way to have made her see what a bad cook she was would have been to state it in such umistakable terms that it would have hurt her feelings. I chose not to. But then, she never offered to cook for a party.

[elyse]

Can someone tell me how weird this is? One of my friends who I mentionned, made a roast of some sort (sorry, it was a while ago). It had a beautiful, browned layer of fat around the whole thing. Anyway, while I wasn't looking, she cut off the entire layer of fat, top to bottom, end to end. It looked AWFUL! And boy could it have been improved by a bit of flavor. Anyway, she threw out said layer, and that was that. Why, oh why, oh why would someone do that?

[MaryIsobel]

Staff note: This post and responses to it were split from the Dinner 2025 conversation, to maintain topic focus.

 

On 2/18/2025 at 12:19 AM, Norm Matthews said:

My son has a friend that I have never met.  They talk on the phone mostly. Charlie told me he brags about how good his BBQ cooking is.  Charlie tells him that I do BBQ a lot and he thinks it is good.  The other guy blows it off, like he doesn't think it is possible for an old white guy in Kansas to be able to match what he can do.  Charlie said he's Puerto Rican.  He asked him if I cooked anything else.  Son said yes and that we had a crab boil recently. I don't know any of the details but apparently he is coming over for a crab boil with his girlfriend and they set up the date as Feb 28. He sent $30.00 to help cover the costs. When I do a crab boil for the two of us, I keep it pretty basic.  I hate contests. I'd never enter a cooking competition, specially not a BBQ.one. I guess now I'll have to do a complete crab boil and if the weather is mild enough, I'll probably do a slab of ribs too.  I hope he accepts that there are other people who can cook but if he says he doesn't like it, I won't care..much.

I'll try to keep this PG but what an ass! Reminds me of getting together with an old roommate of mine and her realtively new husband. I suggested a local restaurant but was told that her new husband was an "amazing cook" so we should eat at their house. Fine said I. Got there, were poured a glass of wine and were told that "John" was making us his warm shrimp and scallop spinach salad for out first course. As we stood around the kitchen, he added small shrimp and bay scallops to reduced white wine, shallots butter and garlic. Sounds good right? Then he said "let's go sit down, this takes about 40 minutes to cook... yup - beyond rubber.

[Tropicalsenior]

On 2/18/2025 at 5:05 AM, MaryIsobel said:

but was told that her new husband was an "amazing cook" so we should eat at their house

Reminds me of the time that we were invited to have lunch at the home of a colleague of my husband who had bragged about being such a fantastic cook. When the 15 guests arrived at the appointed time we found our hostess sitting in her bathrobe, so hungover she couldn't even find the kitchen. Everyone pitched in and did the cooking so we at least got something to eat. Her fabulous meal was fajitas and canned refried beans.

[liuzhou]

When someone tells me they are a fabulous cook, my instinct is to reply "I'll decide that!" 

 

Some have been correct; most haven't (at least in my opinion).  And that includes my sister who thinks her very, at best, average food deserves five Michelin stars.

 

I also hate when chefs and menus describe dishes as "beautiful", "delicious" etc. I'll decide that, thank you!

 

I love the Chinese custom of doing exactly the opposite and criticising their own cooking. That way you get the delight of finding out how good it actually is rather than being disappointed or worse. 

 

 

[Katie Meadow]

3 hours ago, liuzhou said:

When someone tells me they are a fabulous cook, my instinct is to reply "I'll decide that!" 

 

Some have been correct; most haven't (at least in my opinion).  And that includes my sister who thinks her very, at best, average food deserves five Michelin stars.

 

I also hate when chefs and menus describe dishes as "beautiful", "delicious" etc. I'll decide that, thank you!

 

I love the Chinese custom of doing exactly the opposite and criticising their own cooking. That way you get the delight of finding out how good it actually is rather than being disappointed or worse. 

 

 

I criticize my own cooking all the time. Only then will my husband join in. But usually he softens the blow and is actually wrong about the reason something isn't as good as one hoped. If we make a recipe for the first time and it's awful, it often is the fault of the recipe. And wow, there are a lot of bad recipes out there.

 

In a similar vein the habit of some recipe writers to include a paragraph headlined, "Why you will love this" irritates me no end. I might love it, but the odds are not good. As for menus that describe a dish as beautiful or delicious, well, I agree, that's rarely a good omen.

[Norm Matthews]

3 hours ago, Katie Meadow said:

I criticize my own cooking all the time. Only then will my husband join in. But usually he softens the blow and is actually wrong about the reason something isn't as good as one hoped. If we make a recipe for the first time and it's awful, it often is the fault of the recipe. And wow, there are a lot of bad recipes out there.

 

In a similar vein the habit of some recipe writers to include a paragraph headlined, "Why you will love this" irritates me no end. I might love it, but the odds are not good. As for menus that describe a dish as beautiful or delicious, well, I agree, that's rarely a good omen.

Or when the recipe title starts out with "The best".Also when someone presents a "Korean" recipe and their name is Pam Rogers and it had pineapple as an ingredient.

 

Edited Tuesday at 08:42 PM by Norm Matthews (log)