Half-bagel vandalism

[jhlurie]

I sense that this problem has been aggravated, at least in part, by Creeping Bagel Growth Syndrome. 

Caveat:  I have been told by my Jewish friends that we live in the Land of the Pseudobagel, and that if I haven't had a bagel made in New York (or at least a location considerably east of Kansas), I haven't actually had a bagel.  Apparently these pseudobagels are passed off in the Midwest as actual bagels.  But I wouldn't know, since I seldom leave home and the closest thing I have had to an actual bagel is one purchased in a local shop called the New York Bagel Company, now defunct, locally at least.

Having made the aforementioned disclaimer, I would like to point out that locally, bagels are growing.  Currently, the only edible bagels or pseudobagels, as the case may be, are found at Panera, and those suckers are huge.  The (pseudo)bagels of my youth were nowhere near the size of the Panera bagels.  This phenomenon, coupled with Creeping Fanny Girth Syndrome and Balloon Thigh Syndrome, often leads to incidents involving bagel halving.

Local authorities were investigating, but then they figured out who our serial killer is, and we've kinda forgotten about everything else.  In about a year, the investigation will likely recommence.

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See, it's part of this sickness which insists that sandwiches can put put on bagels. Classic bagels? The ones which are boiled and small and maybe even a bit hard to chew (not to mention IMPOSSIBLE to find anymore, even in New York)? A "sandwich" with one of those means a bit of lox and a schmear. MAYBE a bit of raw onion.

You don't put a %@&ing chicken breast on a real bagel. Assuming you can find one anymore.

[wrek92]

Hmm..misguided uses for bagels. How about the bagel dog? Which is a full sized hot dog wrapped with bagel dough a la pig in a blanket. Einstein Brothers, a chain down here in Florida makes Bagel Sandwiches so I guess they should be charged with crimes against humanity by the Hague?

Seriously, my first ever bagel was in Montreal. Talk about Old World tradition, my cousin took me to a bakery and everything was done by hand. To bake the bagels they laid a batch on a plank and slipped them into what looked like a wood burning oven. I might be committing heresy here but since I was in Montreal, I put what else on them? Pate'

I understand that there is even a debate over whether NY style or Montreal style bagels are better. Would I be starting another war?

[jhlurie]

Seriously, my first ever bagel was in Montreal. Talk about Old World tradition, my cousin took me to a bakery and everything was done by hand. To bake the bagels they laid a batch on a plank and slipped them into what looked like a wood burning oven.

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Were they boiled first?

[Pam R]

Seriously, my first ever bagel was in Montreal. Talk about Old World tradition, my cousin took me to a bakery and everything was done by hand. To bake the bagels they laid a batch on a plank and slipped them into what looked like a wood burning oven.

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pheh! - Montreal bagels are overrated. They are not chewy

(they are kind of like... a bagel shaped/sized challah... weird)

Edited March 22, 2005 by Pam R (log)

[cakewalk]

Lawrence Block, who writes some very good thrillers (but in truth I haven't read him in years) used to have this character, a NY street kid whose name was TJ. And so Block's detective (I don't remember which one, either Bernie or Scudder), who basically adopts TJ, one day takes him out for a bagel. And Lawrence Block gave TJ the brilliant street kid one of the most perfect and true lines ever: he bites into his bagel and chews a bit and he says with a shake of the head (I paraphrase, with profuse apologies to Block): I dunno, when you bite into a bagel it's supposed to fight back some. But they don't do that any more, do they?

And every time I eat one of those weak, insipid, ersatz NY bagels, I think of TJ.

And maybe that's why people leave the other half untouched.

[Bernaise]

Excellent thread!!

However I must take exception to the Montreal bagel comments.

The Montreal-er, like an authentic french baguette, needs to be eaten within 4 hours of its birth and can be transported from point a to point b in paper only!

I'm all about the smear, the lox, the onion, and when it's summer the tomato..but my guilty confession is...

the last time I was in Montreal I had a cinnamon raisin Viateur sesame bagel lightly toasted and adorned with nutella -jeeeeeeeeeeeezuz!

oh yeah, eat the whole damn thing!!

[MT-Tarragon]

I would have to agree with Jason that bagel halving is a crime against humanity, or, at the very least, a perversion of all that is good and holey. There is a perfection to the whole bagel (or doughnut) which is destroyed utterly by these wrong-headed vivisectionists. The circle, rotated in three dimensions, is a beautiful representation of eternity and perfection. Those who would desecrate the delicious symbolism embodied in the bagel should, indeed, be sentenced to an unending doom of eating only microwaved pizza-bagel bites.

I grew up in the bagel-forsaken midwest. I tasted my first bagel in New York City while attending college in upstate New York. Ah, sweet nirvana. I have since moved to Seattle, truly the bagel-hell of the continental US. Things have improved slightly in the last ten years. When I first arrived here, the benighted bagels tasted like soap. Yes, soap. Thankfully most of these soap-bagel shops have gone out of business in the intervening years to be replaced with shops which produce merely uninteresting and tasteless bagels -- or at worst heinously-ingrediented bagels, bearing flavors which no right-thinking individual would ever consider combining on a single food item, much less on the beloved bagel. Someday, perhaps, a New York-worthy bagel will pass these bereft lips. Until then I will be bagelless in Seattle.

[mizducky]

And while we're at it ...

I haven't had a bialy in so long, it's criminal. Whereas bagels--even the current bastardized psuedo-bagels--have made it out of New York and gone nationwide, apparently no enterpreneur has yet been so motivated to similarly franchise the bialy. This is good, to the extent that bialys have yet to be bastardized beyond recognition. But it also means I have to wait till my next visit to the New York Metro area to sink my teeth into that chewy flour-dusted goodness (if bagels are supposed to "fight back some," as Lawrence Block is paraphrased above, bialys could then be said to fight back lots and leave your jaw knowing it had a workout). Or maybe I could whimper to my brother in Manhattan to ship me some in his next care package.

(Was inspired to try and Google what San Diego considers the best bagel in town. Turned up several references for Einstein's and Bruegger's. <shudder> Someone please tell me there's something better in this town ... though if the doughy pseudo-bagels are storming even New York, I may be ready to abandon hope... it's like the invasion of the pod-people or something. )

Edited March 22, 2005 by mizducky (log)

[wrek92]

Seriously, my first ever bagel was in Montreal. Talk about Old World tradition, my cousin took me to a bakery and everything was done by hand. To bake the bagels they laid a batch on a plank and slipped them into what looked like a wood burning oven.

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Were they boiled first?

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Honestly, I am not sure if it was boiled or not. I do remember that they were hand rolled and I definitely remember the wood fired oven because the smell was incredible. There was also a line out the door waiting to purchase the bagels. I was like 12 years old at the time so I don't recall every single detail. However, I do recall trying to eat them the next day at breakfast and they were rock hard. I find it kind of neat that my first ever bagel was the "real" thing versus those hockey pucks in the frozen food section. Ugh.

Someone else mentioned Bialys. I think I actually ate one of those when I had breakfast down in Miami Beach at Wolfie's Rascal House. Part of the breakfast tradition at Wolfie's was to bring out a basket full of baked goodies. I recall a flat onion roll. Eureka that has to be a Bialy. Now I have to go find a real bagel shop and see if they make Bialys.

[EricaL]

In a perfect bagel world, all the top only and bottom only lovers would be paired off!

Speaking of bialys, best on planet earth, can be found at Kossars: http://www.kossarsbialys.com/Opener.htm

Their pletzels [onion boards] are not too shabby, either!

Erica

Edited March 22, 2005 by EricaL (log)

[Hector]

Here in Sweden, bagels isn't traditional jewish so the only

ones we have here is american copycats, "beigels" which

is cooked in a steam-oven but doesn't tastes like bagels at all..

They aren't boiled you know.. they're just done like every other

bread!

We got all kinds of bagel crimes around here, you can imagine.

Toasted bagels (yes It's a crime!!), quatered, bagel halfs,

ciabattas with a hole in them that's sold as bagel bagels!

No good at all.. but there are a few good bagels found

at good bakeries, but most is found at Starbucks-copy-cat-cafés.

[mizducky]

In a perfect bagel world, all the top only and bottom only lovers would be paired off!

Speaking of bialys, best on planet earth, can be found at Kossars:  http://www.kossarsbialys.com/Opener.htm

Their pletzels [onion boards] are not too shabby, either!

Erica

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Oh god. It is to weep.

And onion board! Good lord, I think it's been a decade or more since I've had some of that.

[rooftop1000]

I am a bagel halver only at work....I usually only eat half of anything at work so I can have half of something else too....good thing I work with a skinny little eating machine

Now while you all bemoan the wimpy crust on todays bagels I think I may be due for a band-aide change...actually its a total of 4 band-aides on 2 fingers from 1 bagel...pumpernickel it was, before it went into the garbage followed by the knife to the dishwasher and the customer sneaking out.....he came back later

today though I got a Bialy at another shop on my way to work...Steins in Montvale not half bad, poppy-onion as it should be

and after all the blood and guts I just had to remeber that yesterday was supposed to be my first day off the counter and in the kitchen...chef gave notice then didnt leave...wheres my raise!?

ahh when I was much youger I used to get a bagel on my way to work so noone would know I was having 2 every morning

T

[kurl]

In a perfect bagel world, all the top only and bottom only lovers would be paired off!

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Until I read this, I kinda agreed with Jason thinking that he was complaining about bagels being cut, like, the short way, to create two half-bagel "C"s out of one bagel "O" -- an annoying practice, but not one deserving of the death penalty. But your post made me think that he was talking about people cutting them the long way (making a top and a bottom) and leaving one of THOSE halves. That's just straight-up unconscionable.

[Behemoth]

Caveat:  I have been told by my Jewish friends that we live in the Land of the Pseudobagel, and that if I haven't had a bagel made in New York (or at least a location considerably east of Kansas), I haven't actually had a bagel.  Apparently these pseudobagels are passed off in the Midwest as actual bagels.  But I wouldn't know, since I seldom leave home and the closest thing I have had to an actual bagel is one purchased in a local shop called the New York Bagel Company, now defunct, locally at least.

Do you have a branch of Bagelman's near you? My NY Jewish grandparents might disown me for this, but here in Central Illlinois, Bagelman's actually gets their version far closer to the old-fashioned small-dense-chewy-with-crackly-crust genuine article than most places in the Northeast. Shocked and very pleasantly awed, I was.

[Jason Perlow]

But your post made me think that he was talking about people cutting them the long way (making a top and a bottom) and leaving one of THOSE halves.  That's just straight-up unconscionable.

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That's what I'm saying dude, its a criminal offense worthy of a firing squad.

[terri]

A recent transplant from the motherland (nyc) of perfect bagels (how can you eat just 1/2).

Where can I find something superior to chewy rolls-with-holes in Los Angeles? Also seeking not-too-salty, fatty, fresh smoked salmon?

thanks.

[kitchenmage]

Seattle folks, is Bagel Oasis (Roosevelt) still around? still any good? they even used to make a decent bialy... but it's been a while...

i've become a total snob and pretty much only eat my own bagels... i can put toppings on both sides (heck, i can coat them entirely in stuff), make the as chewy as i want, and best of all banish the "unholy fruit bagels" from my presence entirely...

as for the problem that started this thread, i'd like to quote (and parse) one sentence that may help explain what's going on here:

Rachel said, "For the record, I do not only take muffin tops!"

If one parses this carefully, you will see that there is a larger confession hidden there; Rachel does not <i>only</i> take muffin tops--the implication being that she takes other things as well... are there perhaps other food-related conflicts lurking here? (like other yummy "tops" have been taken...) maybe decorative flowers have been swiped off a cake? or a bunnie's ears were missing before the kids got to them...? hmmm, what is like a bagel, yet not? Donuts! Okay Rachel, confess, do you take the frosted tops of donuts?

[jglazer75]

Caveat:  I have been told by my Jewish friends that we live in the Land of the Pseudobagel, and that if I haven't had a bagel made in New York (or at least a location considerably east of Kansas), I haven't actually had a bagel.  Apparently these pseudobagels are passed off in the Midwest as actual bagels. 

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Unfortunately, I too live in a bagel purgatory in the midwest where we suffer from the 'pseudo-bagel' as you call them. Where I come from we have two different words, though spelled similarly mean two entirely differently things:

1. Bagel (pronounced bage-l, with a long "a"): this is a proper bagel, one with a semi-crusty exterior, properly flavored, and a firm, moist interior

2. Bagel (pronounced bag-l, with a short "a"): this is your 'pseudo-bagel' - it is named after the infamous midwestern-gentile mispronunciation of the word 'bagel' that makes it sound like a nasal condition. The product itself is more akin to wonderbread cut into a circle with a hole in the middle. It is the predominate species in the midwest and the reason I eat so few bagels

To be more on topic, I think I'm with Jason on this one. Off with their heads. A bagel is not that large folks - it cannot possibly that difficult to consume an ENTIRE bagel. I would extend Jason's exceptions to allow cutting in half only if a person has "actually committed" to taking the other half.

[cakewalk]

My name is cakewalk and I am a half-bagel vandal.

I didn't even realize it until Purim. I was at my friends' house for their Purim brunch, and, as usual, there was so much food they could have fed the proverbial army. They had bagels and lox, but they also had so much other stuff, and I knew I wanted to at least try everything. So, not even aware of what I was doing, I sliced a bagel in half, put half on my plate, and put the other half back in the bagel basket on the table.

And then, this thread came rushing to mind and I realized the honest-to-goodness truth: I am a half-bagel vandal. Me. A born-and-bred and even current Noo Yawkah. (With quite a large gap in between.)

And you know what else? After I owned up to that realization -- I very complacently ate my half bagel! And then I started on the kugels.

Go ahead, banish me!

[jsolomon]

JUST ONE SECOND ! What is someone supposed to do if your living in "Bagel" purgatory such as Seattle. We who are living in this desolate Bagel Hell are forced to deal with:

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Hear, hear! Add Lincoln, Nebraska to that list. I don't even eat bagels here. Sawdust and hardtack.

[Mr. Fagioli]

Just a couple of notes on the Montreal bagel:

Yes, they are boiled in honey water, then baked in a wood-fired oven (at least, this is the way it's done at the two best-known bakeries, Fairmount and St-Viateur -- others may do without the wood oven, for all I know; but without the boiling, it's not a Montreal bagel anymore).

As far as I know, neither of those bakeries has been kosher or even Jewish-owned for many years now.

They do not have a discernible "top" and "bottom." (Before you ask, I don't know how or why this is so.)

They do have a very short shelf life (four hours sounds very optimistic to me)...yet some people buy them at the supermarket, where they're displayed in plastic bags. I suspect some toasting, or a short time in the oven, might make such an abomination tolerable.

I'd guesstimate that out of every 100 Montreal bagels 85 are sesame, 10 are poppyseed, 2 are plain, and three are miscellaneous heathen flavours such as cinnamon-raisin.

Whether they're "overrated" is a matter of personal opinion. They may not have the same chewiness as other varieties, but they do have a distinctive texture and flavour. They are what they are. Consider this: in a city where it's easier and easier to get really good bread (roughly 100,000 French nationals live here: it was inevitable), people still line up for them. All I know is that I never, ever have to settle for a fluffy pseudo-bagel.

[poutine]

Seriously, my first ever bagel was in Montreal. Talk about Old World tradition, my cousin took me to a bakery and everything was done by hand. To bake the bagels they laid a batch on a plank and slipped them into what looked like a wood burning oven.

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pheh! - Montreal bagels are overrated. They are not chewy

(they are kind of like... a bagel shaped/sized challah... weird)

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Pam, I'm sure that I sensed scarcasm because if you've ever tried St. Viateur or Fairmont Bagels you would retract your statement immediately . Montreal bagels are defined by those 2 historical establishments & yes, they are boiled & baked in a wood-burning oven & they are as chewy as chewy can be fresh out of the oven on day 1, days 2 - 4 toasted & equally chewy. And they are small enough to never ever leave 1/2 behind! People line up 24/7, especially when the bars close at 3:00 a.m. the line can get very long. According to many, they are the best bagels in the world.

[lesfen]

My office is infested with these bastards! Oh, and they don't stop with bagels... oh no... donuts, cookies, sandwiches, bananas (??? EW!!), etc... If it can be halved, they will leave it sitting on the counter. Consider me the clean-up crew. Their loss is my gain, and it's THEIR fault that my ass is two axe handles wide!!

[Pam R]

Pam, I'm sure that I sensed scarcasm  because if you've ever tried St. Viateur or Fairmont Bagels you would retract your statement immediately  .  Montreal bagels are defined by those 2 historical establishments & yes, they are boiled & baked in a wood-burning oven & they are as chewy as chewy can be fresh out of the oven on day 1, days 2 - 4 toasted & equally chewy.  And they are small enough to never ever leave 1/2 behind!  People line up 24/7, especially when the bars close at 3:00 a.m. the line can get very long.  According to many, they are the best bagels in the world.

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I have something to admit : the only Montreal bagels i've had are ones that were flown here. I didn't realize it had a 4 hour life and I will retract my statement and apologize. I do though, retain the right to comment again once I've tried one in Montreal