Half-bagel vandalism

[Jason Perlow]

Is it just me, or does everyone else despise these people who have no respect for the laws of bagel eating?

You know who and what I'm talking about. You go out and buy a bag of a dozen fresh bagels, you bring them home or to work. You pick out a bagel, you slice it and half, put the slices on your plate, adorn them with cream cheese, lox, tomatoes and onions, perhaps butter. But most importantly, you respect the law that has been handed down for generations, that if you take a bagel, you FINISH THE BAGEL!

But then there are these lawless individuals who will slice bagels in half, leaving the other half in the bag to go stale, thus becoming un-eatable by the rest of the people in the household or the office. And on top of this, there's a second class of individual who will slice multple bagels in half, so they can get one half of one flavor and one half of another -- destroying two or more perfectly good bagels in the process. Its inconsiderate, and its evil.

These are the same people who are "Muffin Toppers" that decapitate perfectly good muffins. They should all be put to death.

[DTBarton]

Congressional hearings are called for.

Make mine rye, with a thin shmear of cream cheese, lox, onion, and tomato (if the tomato has flavor). I can finish both halves.

[Verjuice]

These are the same people who are "Muffin Toppers" that decapitate perfectly good muffins. They should all be put to death.

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Thank you. Beautifully written. Thank you.

[Rebel Rose]

I am a bagel halver. Guilty. And I take the top, with all the seeds and salt and good stuff.

[Jason Perlow]

I am  a bagel halver.  Guilty.  And I take the top, with all the seeds and salt and good stuff.

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You are hereby sentenced to eating freezer burned bagged supermarket raisin bagels from here to eternity, without possibility of parole. Away with you!

[Jason Perlow]

I submit that those of you who are inclined to commit bagelcide and cannot finish a whole bagel, that you pursue other forms of bread discs such as the bialy or the onion board which can easily be eaten by the most diminutive of Jew or Gentile. Thank you.

[FistFullaRoux]

Ever see the TV commercial where the breakfast foods wind up attached to the outside of the body?

Same thing should happen here with the remains of their devilish handiwork. I recommend epoxy.

Edited March 20, 2005 by FistFullaRoux (log)

[Susan G]

Havin' a bad day, Jason? Sounds like you've got a repeat offender in your household!

Leaving me half a bagel doesn't upset nearly as much as taking the last one without telling me, or purloining the last of the yummy leftovers in the fridge.

[Rachel Perlow]

He's nuts. He loves it I tell you! He gets to eat the other half of the bagel! Seriously, if I wrap the remaining half, it doesn't go stale so quickly. And who wants to put blueberry cream cheese on an onion bialy? It's just bagels people!

For the record, I do not only take muffin tops!

[Trishiad]

Oh, please! My husband loves it when I don't finish something. If I leave half of a cookie on the counter and carry the laundry upstairs the other half is gone when I come back. He loves it if I only eat half of a bagel, more for him, and an excuse to overindulge now before it gets stale. I think it makes him feel useful.

[jgm]

He's nuts. He loves it I tell you! He gets to eat the other half of the bagel! Seriously, if I wrap the remaining half, it doesn't go stale so quickly. And who wants to put blueberry cream cheese on an onion bialy? It's just bagels people!

For the record, I do not only take muffin tops!

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I had a feeling this was a marital issue.

[menton1]

Is it just me, or does everyone else despise these people who have no respect for the laws of bagel eating?

They should all be put to death.

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I think we're a little out of control here...Sounds like a severe punishment. Don't know how critical this issue really is--

And how do you feel about a new lunch trend in restaurants where they offer a half-sandwich on the menu?

[Jason Perlow]

I don't see the half sandwich thing as a problem, because fundamentally, you are only using one slice of bread and then cutting it in half to make the "half sandwich". The loaf of bread has already been partitioned into slices, and if has not been pre sliced, it is totally scalable to slice off a single peice of bread from an unsliced loaf. Whereas, to have a half bagel, you actually have to leave a piece off, leaving the other half to an uncertain fate. There is potential waste involved. And a bagel is not symmetric, there's a top and a bottom, with two slightly different textures and asymmetric distribution of bagel toppings, unless you slice it down the center like King Solomon into two half moons, instead of two round halves, but the bagel will go stale just the same.

No, death is too good for these people. Make them eat gluten-free low carb Atkins prison loaf with tofu cheese.

[Mooshmouse]

No, death is too good for these people. Make them eat gluten-free low carb Atkins prison loaf with tofu cheese.

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Now that's definitely a punishment worse than death. (insert barf emoticon here)

[andiesenji]

I feel your pain, Jason.

I have to deal with some dastardly person in my office who cuts the bagles in half CROSSWISE, then slices them because she is afraid of cutting her hand.

I bought a bagle holder, specifically for slicing but she won't use it because, as she says, she doesn't want her cinnamon/raisin bagel touching something that has been touched by a bagle that might be flavored with onion or garlic.

I wouldn't mind except for the fact that she can't seem to identify her own bagle without cutting several in half which really angers me since I am the one spending the money on them.

[Jason Perlow]

I feel your pain, Jason.

I have to deal with some dastardly person in my office who cuts the bagles in half CROSSWISE, then slices them because she is afraid of cutting her hand.

I bought a bagle holder, specifically for slicing but she won't use it because, as she says, she doesn't want her cinnamon/raisin bagel touching something that has been touched by a bagle that might be flavored with onion or garlic. 

I wouldn't mind except for the fact that she can't seem to identify her own bagle without cutting several in half which really angers me since I am the one spending the money on them.

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The bagel QUARTERERS are absolutely the worst form of this criminal, because its relatively easy to convince someone else to take a half a bagel immediately after its been cut. But when you quarter a bagel, you totally destroy most of its bagel-like qualities and most people would never bother to pick up a bagel quarter, because it would be assumed to be already stale. Its dastardly, and I think there should be a UN resolution against it, and the perpetrators of these crimes should be institutionalized because there is a very real possibility they are mentally ill and are closet serial killers. Because anyone that can willfully mutilate a bagel has suppressed violent tendancies and is probably doing other evil and sociopathic things.

[jackal10]

cocktail mini-bagels?

[jhlurie]

Okay, I'm probably the worst type according to Jason's weird standards. I'm often a bagel-and-a-halfer. At least on all of those Jewish holidays where I can't resist another half, but couldn't quite stomach a whole other one.

Mind you, I favor smaller firmer bagels and not those huge doughy abominations people seem to love in most places these days.

[Jason Perlow]

Okay, I'm probably the worst type according to Jason's weird standards.  I'm often a bagel-and-a-halfer.  At least on all of those Jewish holidays where I can't resist another half, but couldn't quite stomach a whole other one.

Mind you, I favor smaller firmer bagels and not those huge doughy abominations people seem to love in most places these days.

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Its somewhat okay to be a bagel and a halfer IF you can find a willing partner to take the other half of the second bagel or announcing that you are going to cut one in half, so that everyone can be alerted to the gravity of the situation and somebody can step in and rescue the half. But halving one, just on the assumption that someone else MIGHT take the second half is a no no.

[Jason Perlow]

cocktail mini-bagels?

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Only in morally inferior countries like the UK, Jack.

[Marya]

What about us, the thoughtful half-bagel consumers, who take the bottom half for ourselves and leave the goodie-covered tops for someone else? I view us the the most selfless of all bagel consumers. Besides, I like my breakfast bagel with the butter toasted to a nutty flavor. It's easier to do this with the flat bottom.

[Jason Perlow]

What about us, the thoughtful half-bagel consumers, who take the bottom half for ourselves and leave the goodie-covered tops for someone else?  I view us the the most selfless of all bagel consumers.  Besides, I like my breakfast bagel with the butter toasted to a nutty flavor.  It's easier to do this with the flat bottom.

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Right, those are bagel half rescuers, the unsung heroes of the breakfast table. I have rescued many a half from potentially going stale -- especially the less desireable varieties, including raisin and whole wheat or that strange experimental flavor of the week, like blueberry or jalapeno cheese or mixed herb with sundried tomato, where clearly someone tried it and didnt like it enough to commit to the entire bagel.

However people POSING as bagel-half rescuers who are in fact, bagel halvers, are really sick people -- they cut bagels in half thinking they are commiting some selfless act leaving the top part for someone else to eat. This is Bagel Halving-By Proxy Syndrome, and it requires expert clinical knowledge to treat.

[peppyre]

This is why I share my bagels with no one! Especially the horrid women I work with.

[Marya]

Tell that to my family! They all hover around me when they sense a bagel in the premises and call first dibs on the top half.

[mizducky]

Mind you, I favor smaller firmer bagels and not those huge doughy abominations people seem to love in most places these days.

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Heh. And while we're inveighing against bagel abominations ... who started this business of embedding a poor defenseless bagel with raisins, blueberries, and other sweet items?!? Bagels are supposed to be savory or at least neutral, not a stand-in for a danish! Vhat, I'm going to put my lovely novy lox and onion slice on something that tastes like cinnamon toast? I mean, really. I figure it must be a plot by the same people who came up with the idea of putting pineapple on pizza (shudder).