A long time ago......

[tryska]

well let's decide what type of street-food he's going to sell first and then reverse engineer from there.

so we've got to decide what city he is in, what food he sells in his stall, and then figure out what area he comes from, which will then tell us what amma packed in the tiffin for him.

and this is where indian food gets complicated.

[mongo_jones]

people, people,

clearly you have not watched enough bollywood films--you fail to recognize its formal conventions. it falls to me to insert some crucial plot points:

there are two brothers separated in early childhood. one is found by a muslim khansama who takes him back to lucknow and raises him as a khandani cook. the other is found by a hindu entrepreneur who owns a 5-star hotel and raises his son to inherit it--sending him to cooking school in switzerland. the two boys come together when the rich boy hires the poor boy to head his new authentic-retro ethnic chic lucknawi restaurant. all is well till the comely christian goanese guest-relations manager comes between them. meanwhile it turns out that the hotel-father is actually a multi-national crook (in another age he would have been played by pran) who is working hand in glove with an unnamed multi-national fast-food company to extract indian culinary secrets and sell them to some unnamed country. the christian girl overhears this and is able to warn the muslim chef before being abducted. the two brothers unite to save their common love but fall into the clutches of the multinationals and the bad-father (who has also abducted the muslim father for good measure). the bad father delivers a florid speech which seems to be tempting the good brother: he will give up control of the hotel and release the lass if rich brother will first extract the secret of the kakori kabab form the poor brother and then kill him. at this point a blind old woman who has been employed by good-hearted poor brother as a sweeper suddenly miraculously recovers her sight, identifies her sons by a mooli shaped birthmark on both their thighs and recognizes bad father as the man who killed her husband and the brothers' real father (he had been his partner in a local dhaba in ludhiana and killed him over money and merchandising rights). the brothers re-unite and in an awesome orgy of violence dispatch all the foreign baddies. the muslim "father" takes a bullet for good measure and is weepingly bidden farewell.

the film closes with the now happily hindu brothers reunited with their mother; the christian girl is with the older rich-brother and has become a good hindu housewife; the other brother has found true love in the arms of christian girl's smart-talking street-wise friend who he has hitherto ignored. the brothers forswear their 5-star ways and open a chain of pure-vegetarian brahman restaurants.

----

and aamir khan and aishwarya rai? you guys are so out of touch. shah rukh khan has to play the hindu brother (muslim actors rarely play muslims) and sunjay dutt the muslim brother. lara dutta plays the goan christian. the mother of course will be waheeda rehman.

[Monica Bhide]

I dont think i have laughed so hard in a long time. Thanks Mongo.. this is too funny!

[tryska]

that's sooo been done already mongo.

[Monica Bhide]

tryka - how can we incorporate Mongos stuff into our (ahem) tale??

[tryska]

*lol* i like the bit about violence over daabha merchandising rights.

the thugs ram meets on the road will also wind up working for the head fat man in charge of all extortion. he should also have a legitimate business like stall-renter/landlord.

maybe sundranamba could be the goan christian girl? but then her name would be something like Florence or Ruth or Penelope.

Edited April 8, 2004 by tryska (log)

[mongo_jones]

as for the songs, there will be one in which the brothers upon initial meeting spar, using their different culinary skills as metaphors: "mere karhai ke saamne tera saute pan to kuch bhin nahin"; another in which the boys woo the girl with extended food metaphors, "aa main teri roop ki kabab kor mere pyar ke parathe mein lapetoon"/"nahin, nahin, iske parathe mein dum nahin, mera chocolate souffle toh aazma lei"; and so on.

and the music and lyrics can only be composed by bappi lahiri. it is he, after all, who gave us the immortal lyric: "you are my chicken fry/you are my fish fry".

[tryska]

at some point she will be in the rain right?

because if there's not female happily drenched and crooning, it's not a bollywood movie.

[mongo_jones]

that's sooo been done already mongo.

well, okay so this draws its inspirations from the 70s, when masala films were reached their peak. "amar, akbar, anthony" is the apotheosis of that particular form and must always be paid homage to.

[bague25]

Are any film producers listening??

[Squeat Mungry]

as for the songs, there will be one in which the brothers upon initial meeting spar, using their different culinary skills as metaphors: "mere karhai ke saamne tera saute pan to kuch bhin nahin"; another in which the boys woo the girl with extended food metaphors, "aa main teri roop ki kabab kor mere pyar ke parathe mein lapetoon"/"nahin, nahin, iske parathe mein dum nahin, mera chocolate souffle toh aazma lei"; and so on.

and the music and lyrics can only be composed by bappi lahiri. it is he, after all, who gave us the immortal lyric: "you are my chicken fry/you are my fish fry".

Now you're talking. Translations, please?

[mongo_jones]

oh yes, and the comic relief: a friend of the muslim chef who owns a small punjabi restaurant will constantly say, when surprised, "oh teri ma ki daal!"

[mongo_jones]

as for the songs, there will be one in which the brothers upon initial meeting spar, using their different culinary skills as metaphors: "mere karhai ke saamne tera saute pan to kuch bhin nahin"; another in which the boys woo the girl with extended food metaphors, "aa main teri roop ki kabab kor mere pyar ke parathe mein lapetoon"/"nahin, nahin, iske parathe mein dum nahin, mera chocolate souffle toh aazma lei"; and so on.

and the music and lyrics can only be composed by bappi lahiri. it is he, after all, who gave us the immortal lyric: "you are my chicken fry/you are my fish fry".

Now you're talking. Translations, please?

"mere karhai ke saamne tera saute pan to kuch bhin nahin"

"your saute pan can't compare to my karhai"

"aa main teri roop ki kabab kor mere pyar ke parathe mein lapetoon"

"come let me wrap the kabab of your body in the paratha of my love"

"nahin, nahin, iske parathe mein dum nahin, mera chocolate souffle toh aazma lei"

"no, no, his paratha is feeble, try my chocolate souffle instead"

[Squeat Mungry]

[Monica Bhide]

oh my God - I am laughing so hard my stomach hurts. What a way to learn about food eh?

[tryska]

Mongo - you decide where he's from and where's he's going.

[Jason Perlow]

I would like to see an indian version of Clerks, but instead of a convenience store it would be a Chaat shop/dosa joint with Vijay and Silent Prasad.

[Monica Bhide]

at some point she will be in the rain right?

because if there's not female happily drenched and crooning, it's not a bollywood movie.

what will they sing in the rain. There has to be rain.. so maybe they in Mumbai in the Monsoons

[Monica Bhide]

*lol* i like the bit about violence over daabha merchandising rights.

the thugs ram meets on the road will also wind up working for the head fat man in charge of all extortion. he should also have a legitimate business like stall-renter/landlord.

maybe sundranamba could be the goan christian girl? but then her name would be something like Florence or Ruth or Penelope.

Florence & Ram - The eGullet Indian Food Story

oye - we need a better title. Good thing I dont write for a living

[tryska]

I would like to see an indian version of Clerks, but instead of a convenience store it would be a Chaat shop/dosa joint with Jai and Silent Prasad.

unfortunately the bit about the girlfriend and her previous relations would have to be censored.

[bloviatrix]

I would like to see an indian version of Clerks, but instead of a convenience store it would be a Chaat shop/dosa joint with Vijay and Silent Prasad.

After reading the ideas here, I've got to run out and rent some Bollywood flicks.

[Monica Bhide]

tryska my friend.. where are you.. this needs to keep going

[mongo_jones]

if you'll excuse my continuing on my separate nostalgic way, i can't resist one more song idea (this time as a tribute to the great 50s, early 60s comedies and "thrillers"):

"p.a.n pan, pan maane karhai!

e.g.g egg, egg maane anda!

---arre dil hai tere tel mein to kya hua?!?"

with considerable apologies to majrooh sultanpuri and ravi (and also to kishore kumar and nutan--by the way, how many actresses have ever looked as beautiful as nutan in "dilli ka thug"?)

this one is a little hard to translate as it, and the song it pays homage to, play on an interplay between english and hindi, but roughly:

p.a.n pan, pan means karhai (pan)

e.g.g egg, egg means anda (egg)

---oh if my life is cooking in your oil, what do i do?

[tryska]

I'm here....okay..so where are we?

we don't know where's he's from, but his name's Ram - he may possibly be going to Mumbai, he's walking, riding a bullock cart, and driving with a crazed lorryman.

he's meeting his goan christian soon to be girlfriend when he gets to possibly mumbai her name is either Florence or Sundranamba. there will be a lovesong (i nominate mongo for lyric wrtiting by the wya - he seems to have a knack for it), there will be singing in the rain.

we have a magic tandoor? or a special samosa recipe? if the tandoor, then Sundranamba-Florence's location would have to be fixed, if samosas that make you fall in love, then perhaps Ram doesn't need his mother's recipes for when he becomes a snack-wallah.

Instead of a his brother how about we make the twin Sundranamba-Florence's, and leave the friction as The Twin being the barrier between Sundranamba-FLorence and her one true love. Maybe the brother and the Hero can become partners and eventually have their own daabha after they defeat Evil Fat Landlord and his meat-eating goons.

how's that so far?

[Squeat Mungry]

we have a magic tandoor?  or a special samosa recipe?  if the tandoor, then Sundranamba-Florence's location would have to be fixed, if samosas that make you fall in love, then perhaps Ram doesn't need his mother's recipes for when he becomes a snack-wallah.

If it's a magic tandoor, maybe it doesn't have to be in a fixed location? Maybe it could sing, too: a magic singing tandoor!

Maybe a magic singing tandoor that travels back in time for some reason...

Okay, sorry.