How to Impress a Date for Under $99

[DonRocks]

Go to Colvin Run Tavern, park in one of the Retail Only spaces (they'll never know), and sally around the crowded barfront to the back-right hinterlands. Take a seat at the bar.

If you're questioned about why you're sitting at the bar, mutter something about it being trendy.

Open the wine list like you know what you're doing, leaf through it for awhile, occasionally nodding and saying "hmmm...," and then order the Tavel Rosé, currently bin #210 (hint: look chic by knowing that Tavel rhymes with Ma Bell, not (Vaclav) Havel). It's said that you should never order the cheapest wine on the list because it's always plonk, but this is the exception: at $20 (twenty dollars!), you'll get a 2000-vintage co-op bottling from Les Vignerons de Tavel which is probably $5 ex-cellar, but nobody needs to know this.

The wine, on first pour, will taste a little bit 'red' for a presumedly bone-dry rosé from the south of France, and if your date tastes it and begins some subtle throat-clearing action, smile confidently and say, "Wait for the scallops. Trust me."

Order two each of the Sautéed Maine Scallops with Fennel Tart, Blood-Orange Vinaigrette and 'Black Olive' Olive Oil ($11) and the Stewed Lobster in a Green Curry Coconut Milk Broth, with Sweet Potatoes, Scallions and Crispy Spring Roll ($16).

When the scallops arrive, the wine, heretofore middling, will soar (speaking of sores, I'm still waiting for the test results), and both wine and food will instantly grab hold of one-another, sending each other in an upward vortex towards synergy, and making you look like Einstein.

The lobster is more Thai than southern French, and yet it too will work brilliantly with the Tavel. At this point in the meal, you simply won't believe that you're going to get out with a $20 liquor bill.

These are ample portions; yet if you're questioned by your date on why you didn't order a main course, rehash your excuse for sitting at the bar and say it's trendy. If you're a hearty eater, the problem of quantity is easily solved by delving into the excellent bread, or by having gone and scarfed a cheeseburger one hour before the meal.

Dining au style de Jabba the Hut, i.e. bellying up to the bar solo, will cause an uptick in the IDI (individual dining index), assigning the entire cost of the wine to one person, but with two people, you can easily leave having paid less than $50 each including tax and a generous tip.

On my nickel,

Rocks.

Edited February 15, 2004 by DonRocks (log)

[Mark Sommelier]

Line up ladies so Rocks can take you too on a cheap date.

[DonRocks]

Line up ladies so Rocks can take you too on a cheap date.     

No, I'm done with all that nonsense. Last year I got my Valentine what I thought was a perfectly decent gift certificate to Jenny Craig, and I could just see it didn't go over that well. So I returned it and got this really, really nice dust mop, and I mean this thing was seriously high-tech and even came with its own cover, but I never heard from the person again.

Edited February 14, 2004 by DonRocks (log)

[sara]

Dude, you are hysterical! You should write your own advice column...

[hillvalley]

Line up ladies so Rocks can take you too on a cheap date.     

No, I'm done with all that nonsense. Last year I got my Valentine what I thought was a perfectly decent gift certificate to Jenny Craig, and I could just see it didn't go over that well. So I returned it and got this really, really nice dust mop, and I mean this thing was seriously high-tech and even came with its own cover, but I never heard from the person again.

Maybe what she really wanted was a vacuum

[KatieLoeb]

Don:

I'm appalled at your sense of "practical" gift giving. Reminds me of my ex-husband. However, you definitely score points for the wine selection and pairing, so perhaps there's hope for you yet.

[Mark Sommelier]

Don:

I'm appalled at your sense of "practical" gift giving. Reminds me of my ex-husband. However, you definitely score points for the wine selection and pairing, so perhaps there's hope for you yet.

Trust me , Katie, there is no hope for him.

[morela]

I wonder how this guy did, though. City Paper!

Come on, snuggling with a cat isn't even a possibility.

HOMEBODY SEEKS HOMEBODY. SM, 40's, ISO SF, 28-40y.o., WHP, any race/religion, for conversations philosophical and frivolous, dinner out with friends, Scrabble, divvying up household chores, walks in the park, moral support, the occasional movie or show, sharing some laughs, quiet times at home together, snuggling with the cat. 44424 (exp. 2/26)

[DonRocks]

Come on, snuggling with a cat isn't even a possibility.

Perhaps he was being allegorical.

And what are you doing reading this?

Edited February 15, 2004 by DonRocks (log)

[Malawry]

What's WHP?

[morela]

What's WHP?

Good question.

Some strange people out there.

WHP

Wine Hungry Person

[John W.]

As the great Mark Slater says, "Cut it out."

What's wrong with you people.

[Malawry]

Oh, I think it's weight/height proportionate. Usually it's listed as height/weight not weight/height which threw me.

[bilrus]

Oh, I think it's weight/height proportionate. Usually it's listed as height/weight not weight/height which threw me.

Personally, I wouldn't know about that since I'm not 17 feet tall.