Suburban Steak Houses

[Varmint]

Mr. Cutlets-

Many of our users don't live in New York, Chicago, or any other major metropolitan area where finding lucious prime beef is a simple venture. Instead, the steak known in these parts comes from Outback Steakhouse and its brethren chains. What's your take on these ubiquitous steak houses, why are they as successful as they are, and how would a patron maximize their value? Thanks!

[Mister_Cutlets]

Excellent question, Varmint! Before returning to New York after my most recent organ transplant, I lived for many years in exile in northern Indiana and rural New York. Those franchise steakhouses you mention are for many carnivores the only good meat they get to have. Here's what you need to know about them:

1. There are basically three tiers of franchise steakhouses. At the bottom are the stew-grade meateries like Ponderosa, Tad's, Beefsteak Charlie's, and Sizzler. These places were good bargains at one time, but their meat is really pretty vile, and they cost much more than the fast food restaurants they basically are. The middle tier consists of highly refined and aggressively marketed steak emporiums such as Outback, Colorado, Lone Star, related ethnic franchises such as Don Pablo's, Chiles, Spageddies, etc., and a very few generic "family" restaurants, most notably Ruby Tuesday's. These mid-tier franchises are one of America's greatest achievements and proudest boasts. The quality control is absolute, the food is always good and beautifully plated, and they exist in the most barren spots on the continent. They're always a good value, and masterpieces of modern food-service infrastructure. If only the peppy waitresses would shut up, they would be perfect. The top tier of franchises consists of high-end steakhouses such as Mortons and Ruth's Chris. They are as costly as the restaurants they ape, and I can't grasp why anyone would bother with them when the original was available. They're pretty good, though, and a fine choice was someone else is paying. Generally, though, stick to the middle tier.

2. You won't get great beef in these restaurants, so don't bother with cuts that are only special when the beef is really good, such as strip steak,

(oven-roasted) prime rib, filets, or pork. I invariably go for rib-eyes, which are such sturdy steaks that even mediocre versions are delicious, particularly when broiled under an industrial gas flame and dotted with butter and black pepper. Likewise, the ribs are likely to be tasty enough in a school-cafeteria sort of way, and if you are in the bag from drinking all those kooky cocktails, you might enjoy them, especially when accompanied by fried potatoes and/or onions. Generally the starters are the best things in these restaurants, so order them liberally. The lamb chops are likely to be pretty good if they appear, as well.

3. The Cutlets Seal of Approval goes, for now, to:

Outback Steakhouse

Lone Star Steakhouse

Spageddies

Don Pablo's

Fuddrucker's

Chili's

Ruby Tuesdays.

Those are the major ones I look for. There's many others I would eat in

in a pinch, such as Bob Evans, Denny's, Friendly's, and so forth. There are many others I haven't eaten it, and can't speak to. Finally, there are some that are just downright nasty, such as the Old Country Buffet and Tony Roma's. These should really be your last resorts.

NB: all this only relates to franchise restaurants, not fast-food joints, which are another conversation entirely.

yours,

Mr. Cutlets