One orange. One bite.

[I_call_the_duck]

They promised the finishers a t-shirt, a gift certificate and polaroid picture would be on the wall as a winner of the 911 Challenge.

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What one will do for a free t-shirt.

Wanna hear about the time I ate a whole pineapple, a bag of microwave popcorn and washed it all down with a can of Pepsi?

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I do! I do!

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Me too!!

[Fresser]

Wanna hear about the time I ate a whole pineapple, a bag of microwave popcorn and washed it all down with a can of Pepsi?

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I do! I do!

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Me too!!

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Remember: you ASKED for it!

I was fond of sawing the top off a fresh pineapple and dicing up the fruit inside. So I sat at my desk with a paring knife and sawed off the pineapple's plumage. Then I cored up the pineapple--sharing it, mind you--and enjoyed a juicy citrus snack.

But I still felt a carbohydrate craving, so it was off to Vendo-land for a bag of buttery microwave popcorn. Mighty tasty stuff, but the butter and salt needed to be washed down with a sody pop. So I quaffed a Pepsi and went back to work.

Soon I felt a heavy rumbling in my belly as all the foodstuffs mingled and digested. A vicious case of the vapors, you might say. So I struck a Napoleonic pose with hand tucked inside shirt and waddled to the bathroom.

I thought I was alone in there, so I closed the stall door, doubled-over like a pocket-ruler and let rip. I mean RRRRRIIPPPPPP!! This was the Fart to End All Farts.

BOOOOOMM! You'd have thought a plane just broke the sound barrier. So, naturally, I was proud of myself. "What an atomic fart!" I blurted proudly and loudly. "A nuclear fart! That was ballistic!!!"

Just then I heard a rustle from the stall next to me. Rustle-rustle. I was not alone.

I didn't know who was in the stall next to me, and I didn't want to find out. So I washed up and fled the crime scene.

[Laughing Goddess]

Ya gotta love a man with a good fart story!!

[John S.]

Ya gotta love a man with a good fart story!!

     

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No shit? I have to change my tactics.

[FabulousFoodBabe]

Fresser, do your workmates enjoy you as much as we do?

I just saw a commercial where some guy sits in a glass-enclosed office, on top of a bag of Cheetos or something, and the resulting bag-break causes a big puff of orange inside the office. The nearby teenagers said, "lame." I laughed myself silly and said, "Fresser!"

[moosnsqrl]

If you were actually there, in the office, breathing the air, I'm not sure you would find Fresser as amusing as he is online. Think about it.

So, has the orange reenactment been scheduled? I trust you'll have a film crew, color commentator, etc.

[Laughing Goddess]

Ya gotta love a man with a good fart story!!

     

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No shit? I have to change my tactics.

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But then, I'm one of the few women who like the Three Stooges....

And of course, my favorite Three Stooges episode is the one where Curly does battle with the bowl of oyster soup.

No farts in that one, but that wouldn't have been allowed back then.

[Lady T]

God of Wisdom. Fresser -- are you still employed?!?

As to me: I'll tell you some other time about combining Three Onion/Three Cheese Casserole and Brussels sprouts. Baaaaaaad idea, but at least I was alone at home and not abroad and a menace to innocent bystanders.

[Jennifer Iannolo]

Fresser, you both frighten and humor me in equally gigantic measures. Remind me to invite you to my next dinner party.

[Genny]

OMFG Fress, I have TEARS streaming down my face! I agree, you are likely funnier in the narrative than as a cubicle neighbor.

OK, here's one. I've not always been the refined lady that I am today. As a wee scamp I was the runt of the litter and often challenged my brother to eating contests, etc. One gloriously hot summer day my mom made a fruit salad using half of the watermelon as the basket to hold the fruit. She used the baller so that eveything was round and pretty. Then she gave the other half of the watermelon with all the scraps in it to me and my brother. We were outside sitting in the garage eating the deliciously drippy fruit. He seemed to not be paying too much attention so I started snarfing the best pieces for myself, you know, the lovely core pieces that are firm and sweet and don't have any seeds. Well, I must have been in a frenzy of singular enjoyment because I had my mouth completely full of the juicy prime pieces of fruit (shoved full no less) when I looked up to find my brother just staring at me like I was from Mars. I came out of my reverie and realized that I was caught red-handed. You see, here's where the problem is. I'm a nervous laugher. I used to get in so much trouble for grinning while I was in trouble. Coudn't help it. So now, here I am, mouth smacked full of delicious juicy watermelon and I'm in trouble. I tried so hard not to laugh, I really did! But in the moment, I just couldn't hold it in. I spewed watermelon and juice all over my brother, down my chin and boy what a mess to clean up!

[sazji]

Ya gotta love a man with a good fart story!!

     

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Okay...so here I sit, late night in a crowded internet cafe, after two days of eating way too many white beans (cooked with olive oil, onion, tomato and celery root and greens). I swear I've produced enough gas during the last two days to cook another pot. I felt quite safe however in letting the latest in a round of half-cubic-meter blasts out silently, because fortunately it's been all volume and negligible odor.

Until now. There must have been some fateful alchemy happening in the last hour or so. The only adjective that comes to mind is, "rich."

Luckily it's so full that the source is hard to pinpoint. Two people have blamed their friends, and I now heard my first combination of obscenities featuring the word "carrion"...