One orange. One bite.

[Fresser]

Some things I've done on the job you just won't find on my résumé.

Year ago, on a job I'd rather forget, a kind co-worker named Chris offered me a half of his orange. I thanked him and proceeded to snarf it down. He had turned away for a second, and when he turned back, he blurted, "Fress? What happened to the orange?"

"I ate it," was my innocent reply.

So that got everyone wondering: could the Mighty Oriface eat a whole orange in one bite? Everyone crowded around as I peeled an entire orange and flexed my chiseled jaw in preparation.

Then I opened my jaw wide and wedged the orange inside--no easy fit, mind you. It got stuck about halfway in, so there I stood in front of six co-workers with a citrus fruit sticking out of my face. Undeterred, I corkscrewed the orange in some more and tried to clench my jaw shut.

An orange Niagara Falls cascaded down my chin as chomped on the juicy fruit. Then I shoved the last of the fruit in my mouth, chewed and finally thrust out my arms in a Nixonesque "Double V" as I swallowed the rest of the orange. People were apopleptic with laughter.

But the best was yet to come. Five minutes later, after everyone had calmed down (somewhat), a guy from the next department came over to our fax machine. I greeted him. With a loud, spontaneous belch.

"Hi, Lynn. Could we help you with something?...BRAAAAPPPP!!"

A foggy orange cloud enveloped the poor dude. He then looked at me askance through clouded-up glasses and said, "Uh...hi, Fress."

Months later, Chris's then-fiancee came to work, looked at me wide-eyed and asked, "You ate a WHOLE orange in one bite???"

Years later, I'm still famous for that trick. The orange-eating, that is. Not the belch.

[MT-Tarragon]

Eating an orange in one bite is impressive. Unless it was a mandarin, and you're just holding back on us. I'm afraid I can't top that orange-wise. However, back in high school I was on the wrestling team. In order to make and keep weight I didn't eat much for lunch but an orange. But I ate the entire orange, peel and all. It didn't taste good, but I would lose my appetite after eating it. I have't met anyone, yet, who has eaten as many orange peels as I have. Unfortunately, almost twenty years later, it takes an effort of will to pick up and eat an orange. The memory of orange peel flavor is too strongly associated.

[John S.]

Some things I've done on the job you just won't find on my résumé.

......

Years later, I'm still famous for that trick.  The orange-eating, that is.  Not the belch.

←

If you and Chappie can get together for lunch or dinner sometime, I'm in.

[mizducky]

Oh my. Y'know, we really need a more emphatic emoticon than around here. Like a ROFLMAO one. Thanks, Fresser, I needed that. Seriously.

Oh, and MT-Tarragon: I eat the peels from my oranges all the time. Not from duress, but because I just like 'em. I've been known to eat other citrus peels and all too. I just think of it as fresh marmelade.

[Ling]

Fress, your posts crack me up. Especially the corkscrewing bit. I have to admit, as a kid, I used to try to ram about 1/3 of an orange in my mouth, so I remember the cascading juice bit as soon as you chomp down. Rather indelicate of me. I assure you I haven't tried this in many years.

[Marco_Polo]

Very impressive!

Each year at Christmas lunch, my brother-in-law's party trick is to pouch as many brussel sprouts as he can, stuffing each into his mouth one at a time to the gleeful delight and cries from the younger nephews and nieces seated around the long table. The sprouts must have been a little bigger this year because he only managed 16. More to the point, he usually munches and swallows the lot, to everyone's disgust/admiration (mine especially, since I have trouble eating even a single sprout). But this year, he struggled to swallow, hastily excused himself and rushed to the loo. He returned some five minutes later, sproutless and looking rather flushed. He didn't say so, but my guess is that he vomited the lot.

[FabulousFoodBabe]

Fresser, you are a man of many talents.

Visuals du jour:

Fresser in the middle of an orange cloud. Did the burp came out all at once, or did you have mini-burps the rest of the day?

MizDucky (again, that hat!), doing a spot-on Marlon Brando as she takes in the orange peel.

Too funny!

Edited January 13, 2006 by FabulousFoodBabe (log)

[chappie]

When I played lacrosse in high school, one of the tricks I was known for (none of which had anything to do with my field skills, which were average at best) was devouring whole bananas, peel included, on the bus to away games. I managed this usually in two bites, much to the entertainment of my teammates -- and my coach's dismay.

At least I wasn't drying and attempting to smoke them.

[sazji]

Umm....you might appreciate this. I'd say that boy's a pretty stiff competitor for your nickname....

A personal experience:

The secretary at a shop I help out at once and a while has a very strange hangup: she can't stand to see anyone squeeze a lemon. When we go out for lunch, the boss loves to squeeze the lemon over the salad with Asli there just to watch her squirm and go "arrrrrgh!" If we ask why, the answer is "because they're sour!" But she eats the salad.

So...one day as I was going to the shop, I happened to see a guy selling lemons on the street and of course Asli popped into my mind. I bought one, went into the shop, said "Asli, I have a present for you," and pulled the lemon out of the bag. She shot me the "oh, very funny" look. Then with no warning I crammed the entire lemon into my mouth and chewed hard and frantically, juice not only running down my chin, but also squirting in several directions. It was pretty spectacular. The reaction was well worth the not so nice taste. There was a new guy working in the shop who didn't really know me yet; he just looked on (he told me later) thinking "should I laugh...should I not laugh...who the hell is this guy?"

I can't claim to have actually eaten it though...

Edited January 14, 2006 by sazji (log)

[chappie]

Once during a drinking session while home from college I performed an even stupider stunt with lemons, slices of which were sitting on a coffee table for tequila shots. Unpromted, and out of nowhere, I grabbed fistfuls of sour citrus and jammed them into my eyes, then ran around the house screaming. At first I did this out of lunacy, but momentarily I sobered up enough to realized my eyes were now in agony. It took hours for both the laughter and my pain to subside. I do have a photo somewhere, though. I'll scan it if I find it.

Just a routine cleaning, I guess.

[Carrot Top]

Perhaps this thread could be re-named "The Gallery of (Regrettable? Perhaps there is a better term. . . ) Food Tricks" and all could compete to top each other as in "The Gallery of Regrettable Foods" thread that already exists for actual things cooked.

Fantastic performances, guys. Fantastic. Blue-ribbon prizes to all. Keep up the good work!

[jsolomon]

Fresser, I hate to say it, but this thread has caused enough interest that you simply must do this feat again... and record it for posting on eG

[mizducky]

Perhaps this thread could be re-named "The Gallery of (Regrettable? Perhaps there is a better term. . . ) Food Tricks" and all could compete to top each other as in "The Gallery of Regrettable Foods" thread that already exists for actual things cooked.

←

Maybe we could call it "Stupid Food Tricks" a la Letterman.

[woodburner]

ok mr. mason jar

I say nobody can put a whole orange in their mouf.

nobody

woodburner

[Fresser]

ok mr. mason jar

I say nobody can put a whole orange in their mouth.

nobody

woodburner

←

I have at least ten witnesses to this feat. From TWO different occasions.

Plus, there's the guy that I bazooka-belched when he had the misfortune to cross my line-of-fire.

Wanna hear about the time I ate a whole pineapple, a bag of microwave popcorn and washed it all down with a can of Pepsi?

[Carrot Top]

Maybe we could call it "Stupid Food Tricks" a la Letterman.

←

My exact thought but I'm so glad someone else said it. . .

[Carrot Top]

Okay. I'll contribute. There was the time that I put a really enormous thing in my mouth and I'll tell you all about it. It was. . .

Oh. Wait a minute. Sorry. This is eGullet. That thing was definitely not USDA.

....................................................

Here's one.

When I was about eighteen years old one time I was in a bar - a "yacht club" bar. The reason "yacht club" is in quotes is because it was a wanna-be yacht club bar. A yacht club bar in name only - a poseur of a yacht club bar. Why these places with strange carpeting, colored lights and sticky dark fake wooden tables think they can get away with this is beyond me, but anyway.

One of the usual drunks came in. A boatbuilder. He held up a handful of green peppers in his hand. "Hey anyone want to taste my Polish peppers from my garden? Nobody can grow a pepper like me." Nobody took him up on his offer. They continued murmuring into their beers about who would win the America's Cup and why interspersed with insults of everyone they could think of that did not happen to be there that night. "I dare ya" he continued. "These babies are hot, hotter than any pepper this size ever."

I'd had a few beers and as the smallest person there (and the only female there that had not won any alligator or mud-wrestling contests to date) I thought it imperative to prove my worth, my strength, my incredible powers.

In other words, I was really determined to show off. This happens to short people sometimes.

"They're hot, doll" he said, slightly giggling through his cigarette and the spittle on the side of his mouth.

"Yeah, okay. How hot could they be? They look like regular peppers to me" I said, taking one from him and chomping down on it in a crunchy juice spewing bite.

It seemed as it my mouth blew up to twice its size. My lips were an explosion of heat and the entire lower half of my face started to burn as if it were stuck to a piece of solid ice on a metal pipe. I smiled weakly and said "Uh, I have to go to the Ladies Room."

Let us not dwell on what happens after one eats a pepper like this after drinking a lot of beer. I never could have imagined such a thing. Thank god my head was spinning a bit throughout this entire episode or I would have started crying, and that surely would have lost me the bet.

One orange, one bite. You were smarter than me, Fresser. At least the orange didn't try to kill you.

[Mallet]

The closest I can come is the time I ate a supersized double grand slam meal at Wendy's. The line ground to a halt to make this burger and lo, it was good. The burger was so high I couldn't actually take a bite from it, but had to scrape off hunks of greasy meat with my two front teeth...

[Pontormo]

Fresser, I hate to say it, but this thread has caused enough interest that you simply must do this feat again... and record it for posting on eG

←

Whatever will you WEAR??!

[jsolomon]

Fish pants, naturally

[Carrot Top]

A wetsuit.

[sazji]

I say nobody can put a whole orange in their mouf.

nobody

←

You obviously didn't watch the video. Apples and oranges, wot's the diff?

bob

[John S.]

Perhaps this thread could be re-named "The Gallery of (Regrettable? Perhaps there is a better term. . . ) Food Tricks" and all could compete to top each other as in "The Gallery of Regrettable Foods" thread that already exists for actual things cooked.

Fantastic performances, guys. Fantastic.  Blue-ribbon prizes to all. Keep up the good work!

←

Carrot Top, since you encouraged, I feel the need to share. I have been holding back for a long time on this one, but thanks for your offer of a blue ribbon! I probably won't place, but:

A friend and I attended the memorial service of a mutual friend who died from skin cancer. After the service, we were speaking just outside the church on the steps. He said, "John, what are you doing after?". I told him that I had nothing planned. He reminded me of something we both had previously decided we should do (lukewarmly) and said that he thought that now might be the time!

He was speaking of the 911 Challenge, at Cluck You Chicken, on the Alameda in Santa Clara, CA. Real close to the University, in fact it was and still is a student hangout. Lots of fried and baked chicken, Buffalo style, sandwiches, plates, tenders only, whatever. And they had hot sauce. Ten kinds. They ranged from "mild" to "nuclear", "thermonuclear" and globalthermonuclear".

But the 911 Challenge involved an undocumented level of hot sauce. It was one step above "globalthermonuclear". Smothering a plateful of drummettes, there were only a couple rules. You were given no napkins, no drinks, and you had to lick you fingers clean after finishing. To add insult to injury, the participant had to wait five minutes before retreating to the bathroom.

They promised the finishers a t-shirt, a gift certificate and polaroid picture would be on the wall as a winner of the 911 Challenge.

We did it. Later, my friend Ed said he was going to buy a bottle of Pepto Bismol at Safeway next-door and down it before eating, but he never did. That night, he saved my agonizing voicemail for many months just for laughs berfore deleting it.

I'll never compete in the 911 Challenge again. Eventually, we got our t-shirts. I still wear mine and eat a lot of hot chiles. They didn't have any film for the camera. And I never felt like going back to use the gift certificate.

The following year, I had kidney stones and it felt a lot like the night after the 911 Challenge. However, I prefer the kidney stones.

[woodburner]

ok mr. mason jar

I say nobody can put a whole orange in their mouth.

nobody

woodburner

←

I have at least ten witnesses to this feat. From TWO different occasions.

Plus, there's the guy that I bazooka-belched when he had the misfortune to cross my line-of-fire.

Wanna hear about the time I ate a whole pineapple, a bag of microwave popcorn and washed it all down with a can of Pepsi?

←

Please everyone,

no need to "egg" (change to orange) him on

it's quite apparent from his reply to me he can, and did.

If he shows pictures of his mouf, which when fully unhinged, is as large as a wide mouth mason jar, filled with a Florida's finest....

I, my dear friends

will have to eat my words.

woodburner

[FabulousFoodBabe]

Wanna hear about the time I ate a whole pineapple, a bag of microwave popcorn and washed it all down with a can of Pepsi?

←

I do! I do!

How many bites for the pineapple?