Anonymous? Hardly. The Real Story Behind . . .

[jamiemaw]

Recent discussion and debate in various forums regarding the efficacy and protocols of restaurant reviewing and food writing, FAM trips and the perambulations of Mr. John Mariani have forced my hand to set the record straight.

Diablo Talent Management LLC

Office of the Chairman

Ursula Rottweiler

Executive Assistant to the Chairman

AA Stewart Esq

88 Ellis Road

Crowthorne, Berks

United Kingdom

Dear Mr. Stewart,

Thank you for your recent electronic message confirming the attendance of Mr. Maw at your country home for the period 5 July to 8 July, 2005.

As you may know, many international food critics, not unlike rock stars, typically have significant clauses in their contracts that deal with specific nutritional and accommodation requirements. This is especially true of Mr. Maw. As Mr. Maw’s visit with you is largely social, however, I have personally sorted through the regular omnibus contract that more typically describe his life on the road, and send to you today only those that are critical to his (and your family’s) well-being. Below then, the expurgated and annotated version:

CATEGORY 7(A): CASUAL/SOCIAL/COUNTRY HOUSE (right click here) NEEDS OF MR. J.D. MAW AND ENTOURAGE

1.0. UPON ARRIVAL

Mr. Maw likes to have his shirts and evening wear re-pressed, if you would kindly so inform your man. Please keep household pets and young children at a safe distance.

2.0 ACCOMMODATION: GENERAL REMARKS

Mr. Maw’s suite, preferably on one level, to be not less than 1,200 square feet. The bath-tubs in each of the suite’s bathrooms to be heated, at all times, to a constant temperature of 122º F, with ironed copies of The Telegraph, and large, crystal drinking vessels of The Famous Grouse nearby. An ice chest, with chilled bottles or cans of indigenous craft brews and ales should be with easy arm’s reach of the bath-tub. There should be plenty of towels. The morning balcony or patio should enjoy a south-eastern exposure, where he prefers to take his breakfast (privately) of good Irish rashers, three coddled eggs, several lashings of strong, very hot coffee (espresso strength) and a selection of freshly squeezed citrus juices, iced. Eight sliced of toast (four white, four whole-wheat) with fresh fruit preserves and Keiller of Dundee’s “Orange Chip” marmalade, 2 lb. size.

2.2 For afternoon tea, which Mr. Maw also takes privately, he prefers a south-western facing balcony or patio, again with superior linens, crystal and cutlery. Large bottles of quality SPF 2 bronzing oil to be adjacent to chaise lounges (four). As Mr. Maw is keen to experience “regional cuisines”, he has no firm stipulations on the food service at tea, however, as a personal aside, I have long noted that a balcony or patio refrigerator of artisanal stouts and ales and regional meat leathers can go a long way to improving his disposition leading into the dinner hour. The “hot-tub” (or “mechanical bath” as you call it in England) on this balcony should be maintained at the same temperature as the interior bath-tubs, and must be on a timer.

2.3 Toilets may be of regulation porcelain, however we must insist that substantial gripping bars be installed on either side. Preferred diameter: two inches. Not incidentally, we have had the most success with cast iron. Aluminium and space-age composites, conversely, have thus far proven ineffective—following Mr. Maw’s departure from The Savoy recently (which you may have read about), the General Manager, M. Alphonse d’Aprés Toi, noted considerable structural damage in the titanium welds, which inevitably led to the lawsuit (see below).

2.3.1 Bathroom Amenities

2.3.1.4 A selection of superior (Geo. F. Trumper’s of Mayfair, W1 is our preferred supplier) quality shaving soaps, hair-dressings (summer pomades should be WD 20 or lighter), balms, emollients and moisturizers, shampoos and the like should be neatly arrayed on each bathroom counter. After-shave: Trumper’s Extract of Limes, 1 litre size.

2.1.1 NOTE: A large bottle of antacid tablets, should be kept (and replenished twice daily) in a prominent place, preferably next to the defibrillator.

3 In-Suite Amenities

3.1 A greeting basket and iced Champagne is no longer necessary for strictly casual/social/country house [right click here] visits, and in lieu of chocolates on his pillow at bed turn-down time, and as he is on a strict diet, Mr. Maw prefers a corned beef sandwich. Hot mustard please.

4 In-Suite Communications

4.1 Three line telephone service, one cordless. South American area codes in a neatly typed, laminated (i.e. bath-suitable) format, prominently displayed. Large format, plasma screen televisions. High-speed internet access. Incidentally, should Mr. Maw require pocket money for the pub or other nocturnal visitations (I’m afraid he can be as absent-minded as HRH Prince Charles in this matter), please contact his banker, Hamish Huanquer at Coutts’ bank. The most efficient way to order in cash, however, is via e-mail to: www.ska.com./profile/holding/private.html. Then simply type in Mr. Maw’s entry password—“007”, followed by this code—“snacks”. The cash will usually arrive (in largish notes) within the half hour—please inform whether to front door or “tradesmen’s”. PLEASE NOTE: Mr. Maw is now strictly limited to a daily cash allowance of £2,000 and so we would ask you to ensure that he doesn’t get over-enthusiastic about buying your neighbours excessive drink at the, I believe, “Crooked Billet”.

5 BED LINENS AND GENERAL SLEEPING SPECIFICATION

5.1 Linens

5.1.1 Preferred supplier: Frette. Minimum Thread-count: 400. Reading Pillows: Goose Down. Sleeping Pillows: Hypo-Allergenic foam. Mattress: Hand wound horsehair under hand-tied independent coils, “pillow-top”. Preferred supplier: Savoy Hotels Group plc. Minimum size: Kindly specify “Farouk”.

5.2 Bedside Amenities

5.2.1 A selection of quality broadsheets and magazines; some local so that he can write about the cultural peculiarities of your region. Be assured that this is all the local research (with the exception of forays to nearby restaurants and drinking establishments) that he will require of you.

6.2.1 The bedside refrigerator should be stocked with beverages as mentioned above, plus sparkling water and two crystal drinking glasses or small vases.

6.2.2 “Black-out” curtains and sleeping tablets.

7 Massages

7.1 In-suite massages and Turkish baths are no longer a requirement for casual/social visits.

8 DINNER AND LATER

8.1 As Mr. Maw is keen to experience regional cooking and drink, we shall leave it to you to plan a suitable dining itinerary. Quite often, Mr. Maw will insist on “helping out” with the dinner check. He will not be insulted if you ignore this amusing aside—he really can be quite funny.

8.2 Mr. Maw will no doubt also offer to prepare a meal based on his extensive but regionally focused repertoire. Allow me to describe how this works. After leading you on impossible and highly expensive goose chases to local butchers, fishmongers, greengrocers and wine shops (beware his Siberian Peach Pie with Chateau Petrus, 1931), Mr. Maw will come down from his evening bath, circa nine o’clock, wondering why you and your family look so tired.

He will then enchant your other guests with tales of foreign intrigue, win all of the party games and seduce your neighbours’ wives. Their husbands will never speak to you again. He will then take all of the credit for cooking the meal, even if in tones of faux-modesty (“Heavens, it really wasn’t anything at all”), which your wife (who actually prepared the meal according to his specifications and recipes) will misunderstand and blame you for over the next decade. Your son, who has been hefting cords of firewood to Mr. Maw’s in-suite fireplaces all evening, will herniate a disc in his back and have to retire from any notion of a rugby career. Your daughter will never marry.

9 ENTOURAGE

9.1 Not Apllicable

10 INSURANCE

10.1 Following the flooding incident at Blenheim (which we have only just settled with the Duke of Marlborough), the fire at Buckingham Castle during Jubilee Week two years ago (Mr. Maw maintains that he had specifically requested “indoor fireworks” from his preferred Mexican supplier), and the liability suit launched by our solicitors when Mr. Maw lost his balance at The Savoy (gripping bar structural deficiencies, see above), we think it only prudent to add a temporary liability “rider” to your household insurance policy.

To quantify: If successful, Mr. Maw’s suit against Savoy Hotel Group plc would result in him owning the four hotels outright. Truth be known, he couldn’t give a hoot about the money, or so he claims, it’s just that he wants to fire Mr. Gordon Ramsay immediately from his duties as leaseholder chef at The Savoy’s sister property, The Connaught Grill. No doubt he would like to be able to dine there again as well.

11 SPEECHES AND SINGING ENGAGEMENTS

11.1 Mr. Maw is currently booked to deliver the following speeches:

11.1.1 Crowthorne Resident’s Association, care of Mr. Bob Wade, President; Saturday, July 7 at 2pm. Topic: “Promoting the Quality of Life in Crowthorne—A North American Perspective” Venue: St. John’s Parish Church. Duration: 17 minutes, followed by Q & A (eight minutes). Tea and Biscuits. Speaking Fee £1250 plus VAT.

11.1.2 Bagshot & District Horticultural Society, care of Cecily Wooley-Smallpiece, Speakers Committee Chairman; Saturday, July 7 at 2:45 pm. Topic: “The Role of the Privet Hedge in the Electronic Age—A North American Perspective.” Venue: Wooley-Smallpiece Residence (note: rear garden if clement). Duration: 17 minutes, followed by Q & A. Tea and biscuits. Speaking Fee £850.

11.1.3 Page 3 Girls of Berkshire Alumnae Reunion, care of Tanya, 22, from Bracknell; Saturday, July 7 at 3:30 pm. Venue: Crooked Billet Public House, Honey Hill. Topic: Mr. Maw will read from his novel-in-progress “Eating Out Abroad—The Diary of an International Food Critic.” He will also give out the annual “Honey Hill” trophy for “Best Preserved,” followed by a Mix and Mingle. Sponsored by Top Shelf Magazine Group. Pints and meat pies. Fee: £15.

11.1.4 Broadmoor Bowling Club, Ladies’ Section, c/o Mrs. Dennis Sherwood, Hon Sec’s wife. (01344 771727); Saturday, July 7 at 6:15 pm. Venue: BBC Clubhouse, Cricket Field Grove. Topic: “Bowling—A North American Perspective.” Tea and Biscuits. Fee: £650.

11.1.5 Crowthorne and District Culinary Society, c/o Mrs. Clive Freep, outgoing-President; Saturday, July 7 at 7:00 pm. Venue: The Iron Duke, 254 High Street, Crowthorne. Mr. Maw will prepare a seven-course meal while delivering his lecture: “The Art of Regional Cuisine—A North American Perspective.” He will be assisted by Tanya, 22, from Bracknell. Dinner. Fee: £ 2,000. NOTE: Mr. Maw will stay late to sign copies of his novel in progress (£45 plus VAT) and to present the CDCS “Silver Salver” award to Mrs. Freep for her long-standing service.

11.1.6 8:00 pm (sharp) Return to Crooked Billet for Page 3 Alumnae Banquet. Gratis.

11. 2.1 Singing

Mr. Maw has no active singing commitments at this time and is not to collect royalties in the bar.

NOTE: Mr. Stewart, it would be very helpful indeed if you would assist in collecting these speaking fees, hopefully in advance. Sorry about the extra running around. All cheques (or, preferably, bank drafts) should be made payable to the “Maw Family Charitable Trust”, c/o Coutts’ Bank as above. Tax receipts issued upon request. The Maw Family Trust, a related company of DIABLO MANAGEMENT LLC, as our brochure will clearly attest, is dedicated to the furthering of knowledge and international goodwill regarding regional foodstuffs, culinary anthropology, food research and other, associated topics.

In closing, Mr. Stewart, may I simply add that I apologize in advance for Mr. Maw’s behaviour, and, on behalf of all of the shareholders of DIABLO TALENT MANAGEMENT LLC, wish you and your family well during this home invasion. Of course, any invoices for repair or collateral damage in your village should be sent to me at once.

Yours sincerely,

DIABLO TALENT MANAGEMENT LLC

By: (Ms.) Ursula Rottweiler

Executive Assistant to the Chairman

CC: Hamish Huanker Esq, Coutts' Bank, London W1

Ur/Maw//Casual/Social/CountryHouse Reqmnts— Form 7A.

Edited October 23, 2005 by jamiemaw (log)

[Shalmanese]

Mr Maw has no preference as to the colour of his chocolate candies?

[ladyyoung98]

i think mr maw is way too picky.

[Andy Lynes]

I always suspected that Mr Maw was a man of taste and distinction, this confirms it.

[Gifted Gourmet]

I find Mr. Maw to be exceptionally impeccable, in a peccable world, and quite fastidious, a virtue in this otherwise increasingly casual, often sloppy, world.

[jackal10]

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/backstagetour/#theLinks

[Gifted Gourmet]

Jackal,

Mr. Maw is one of the guys with too many requests? Do his groupies concur with his culinary needs?

[jackal10]

I'm surprised by the modesty of his demands...this must be a fake.

Trumpers rather than Penhaligon? Surely not.

No fine brandy? Brand of champage not specified. Indeed no champagne at all...

No specifications as to flowers (not too perfumed and no lilies, I believe)...

Edited October 23, 2005 by jackal10 (log)

[Rebecca263]

Many a celebrated personage has been broken in and down by a stay at our humble and eclectic abode... there was the hit maker who it seems still tells of how I supplied him with a local map and instructions to "get out of the house, Dear, and have a good time" ... heck, South Beach is a WALKING town ... and of course our fantastic late afternoon cocktail hours ... all guests are expected to come home by this time AND to supply the crusty loaf from the local bakery(it WAS right on the corner!) ... it may be that I should write a guide for other hosts ... (still thinking of the lovely Swedish vegan who thought that eggs were OK )

[jamiemaw]

I'm surprised by the modesty of his demands...this must be a fake.

Trumpers rather than Penhaligon? Surely not.

No fine brandy? Brand of champage not specified. Indeed no champagne at all...

No specifications as to flowers (not too perfumed and no lilies, I believe)...

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DIABLO TALENT MANAGEMENT LLC

From the desk of: Ursula Rottweiler

Dear Mr. Jackal,

Mr. Maw has gone off the Penhalgion after he mistakenly drank a bottle and then summarily fired his man for 'contaminating the tonic water.' Fortunately, we were able to convince Smithers to rejoin our employ, albeit with an enhanced remuneration scheme and early retirement package.

Mr. Maw is no longer permitted to drink brandy, however his new 'hybrid' limousine runs well on it. In fact, we encourage his consumption of local stouts and ales to assist in keeping his weight up. His distant rugby past, clouded by the shrouds of time, only confirms this predilection. And not seeking to offend, he generally allows his host to select the Champagne. Ditto the flowers, although there is a rider (unattached) that stipulates 'Absolutely no gerbera daisies, carnations (especially of the striated ilk), baby's breath, or amanita phallloides as he finds the latter 'a bit of rough going on the kidneys if I get peckish.'

Sincerely,

(Ms.) Ur Rottweiler

Executive Assistant to the Chairman

Edited October 23, 2005 by jamiemaw (log)

[Gifted Gourmet]

amanita phallloides as he finds the latter 'a bit of rough going on the kidneys if I get peckish.'

More than a bit peckish, I daresay ...The deadliest mushroom in the world ...

certainly responsible for more deaths in the Western US than any other species

[Malawry]

Mr. Maw is one of the most appropriately-named individuals in the business today.

[jamiemaw]

Mr. Maw is one of the most appropriately-named individuals in the business today.

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Positively gaping.

[docsconz]

I can't wait to read more about "Eating Out Abroad- The Diary of an International Food Critic." I'm sure that it will be titillating.

[Rebecca263]

I can't wait to read more about "Eating Out Abroad- The Diary of an International Food Critic." I'm sure that it will be titillating.

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heehee... I hear it will be really ballsy.